They settled at a table with a good view of the Christmas-crazed shoppers sweeping past the window in waves, although Helen was more interested in her friend. ‘I know you owe your nan a lot, Phoebes, but if she thinks it’s the right thing to do then so should you. You haven’t had a life of your own since …’ She paused as she tried to do the maths but then gave up. ‘Since forever.’
Phoebe didn’t want to talk about it. There was a part of her that was looking forward to having so much freedom, but there was another part that wondered if she could adapt to a new life on her own. Selling the house and finding a little apartment she could finally call home was both thrilling and utterly terrifying. The last time she had had that much freedom was when she was a teenager, fighting against her nan’s control, and that had gone badly wrong. Her nan had said often enough that she couldn’t be trusted on her own and all evidence so far suggested she was right.
‘And I’m sorry for dragging you out. You could probably do without this right now,’ Helen continued. ‘I know I can be high maintenance, just ask my beloved ex-husband.’
‘No, it’s fine,’ Phoebe said with a smile and enough conviction to put Helen’s mind at ease. ‘I’d rather do this than stay at home watching Nan like a hawk. I think she’d rather I went out too. Are you sure Julia won’t mind that we didn’t ask her?’
Helen wiped froth laced with chocolate from her upper lip. ‘Of course not, stop worrying about it. Look, if Julia were here she’d only be trying to make us stay sensible, while I was thinking maybe we could stop off for cocktails on our way home as a reward.’
‘I can’t stay out late.’
‘Not a problem. I was intending on being drunk by four o’clock anyway.’
‘Julia definitely wouldn’t approve of that,’ Phoebe said with a guilty smile. It was as if they were little schoolgirls again, conjuring up tricks to annoy their babysitter.
‘She need never know,’ Helen replied, but then saw the look of concern reappear on her friend’s face. ‘Stop worrying, Phoebe. If anything, Julia will relish the prospect of telling us off if she does find out – which of course she will.’
‘I don’t know how you two do it. You’re at each other’s throats one minute and the next you’re so close I couldn’t separate you with a crowbar.’
A frown began to form as Helen asked, ‘You do know that you can do the same, don’t you, Phoebes?’
And yet, Phoebe never had. If there was a difference of opinion, it was second nature for Phoebe to back down because she had been brought up in a household where her opinion rarely counted. The last time she could remember arguing with one of her friends was when Helen had tipped a pot of paint over one of her drawings in Mr Whitwell’s class when they were eight.
‘I don’t like falling out,’ she said.
‘We don’t fall out,’ Helen insisted. ‘We fight like cat and dog and then we get over ourselves.’
‘Are you sure about that?’ Phoebe asked. ‘This whole baby thing is getting to you, isn’t it?’
‘Isn’t it getting to you?’
Phoebe shook her head, not because it wasn’t, but because she wouldn’t dare acknowledge those feelings. ‘I’m just worried that it’s created a wedge between you and Julia. Is that the real reason you didn’t want her to come today?’
‘Look, I love Julia to bits and even though I’ll admit it’s a bit tense at the moment, I wouldn’t let anything break up our friendship. I promise.’
Phoebe pulled a sliver of buttery pastry from her Danish and decided to let the matter rest. ‘So how are things at home?’ she asked. ‘Is Milly any happier about becoming a sister?’
Helen snorted and almost choked on a mouthful of pastry. ‘John and Eva took her shopping the other day to pick out baby clothes. They’ve known the baby’s sex for a while and were intending on keeping it a secret, but with Milly as she is, they thought it would be nice to go into the baby section of John Lewis and start picking out blue vests and dungarees.’
Phoebe smiled. The idea sounded sweet but judging by the face Helen was pulling, not to Milly.
‘By the time they left the shop, Milly had made her position clear. She didn’t want anything to do with a smelly, stinking brother.’
‘Oh dear.’ Phoebe was still smiling.
‘It’s no laughing matter,’ Helen said coldly. ‘If things get much worse then there’s a chance Milly won’t want to spend as much time with her dad, which means I’ll have more childcare headaches than I do already. And it would be muggins here who has to manage Milly through her teens.’
Phoebe was crestfallen. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh. I just didn’t realize how much of a problem it would cause.’
Helen fixed Phoebe with a glare. ‘Oh, for goodness’ sake don’t apologize. What I really need is for someone to tell me I’m overreacting.’
‘You’re overreacting,’ Phoebe said quickly.
Maintaining her glare, Helen continued, ‘I know Milly will come to her senses eventually and even if she doesn’t, there’s no way she would cut John out of her life completely. For one thing, John wouldn’t let her.’
‘It sounds to me like you don’t need me to tell you you’re overreacting after all,’ Phoebe said, relaxing a little.
After draining her coffee cup, Helen said, ‘Maybe you’re right, but enough talk about the annoying stuff. Have you researched our holiday yet?’
‘I’ve had a quick look and I think ten days is doable if we want to keep to a tight budget. I don’t see any point in adding extra days if it leaves us too broke to do anything with our time, but the final bill is going to be dependent on the dates. Nan hasn’t been able to think up any objections so far and I’ve checked with work and it looks like I’m OK for any time in February.’
‘I’ve already got the February half-term holiday booked off and I don’t think there’ll be a problem asking for a few extra days. My biggest problem will be convincing John to have Milly – or should I say, convincing Milly to stay at her dad’s – but I won’t take no for an answer. That just leaves Julia, and she can suit herself about taking time off, so let’s go ahead and book it,’ Helen said with growing decisiveness.
‘No, let’s wait. We said we’d fit around any appointments Julia might have.’
Helen raised an eyebrow at Phoebe’s assertiveness, making her friend blush. ‘OK, but at least it sounds like we’re getting there.’
‘As long as the final bill doesn’t end up being extortionate – I’d like to keep something in reserve for proper driving lessons.’
‘Things not working out with Paul?’
‘No, far from it, but he’s the first to admit he can’t teach me all the proper manoeuvres you get tested on these days.’
Helen was thoughtful for a while. ‘Paul does talk to you, doesn’t he?’
Phoebe had managed to sidestep Julia’s earlier remark in the pub, but she wouldn’t be able to fob Helen off so easily. ‘A bit, but you can’t blame him. Julia has us to talk to. All he has is his mates, and you know what blokes are like.’
‘I wasn’t blaming him,’ Helen said as if there hadn’t been a hint of an accusation in her question. ‘As a matter of fact, I’ve had the odd private conversation with Paul myself, although I can’t say I’ve been able to get him to open up. What exactly does he tell you?’
‘No more than we already know,’ Phoebe replied. ‘He feels under pressure just as much as Julia, and it only seems to be building.’
‘I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried,’ Helen said. ‘But there’s not a lot we can do except be there for both of them. Oh, and for me not to moan so much about Milly the Millstone.’
Phoebe was relieved that Helen hadn’t launched into a thorough cross-examination. She wasn’t ready to admit that she looked forward to her driving lessons far more than she should. ‘Julia really doesn’t like it when you call her that,’ she said.
‘I know, which is why I’m glad she’s not here to listen to me com
plaining about all the little extras my precious daughter has added to her Christmas list. I’m afraid I’ve reserved that particular pleasure for you.’
‘And on that note, should we get going?’
Helen picked up her bag and took out her phone to check for messages before they left. Phoebe glimpsed a screen full of missed calls and texts, some from John and others from Milly. ‘You’re popular,’ she said.
‘Oh, bugger!’ Helen said as she opened a text from John. ‘Eva’s gone into labour.’
‘Is she all right?’
‘I think so,’ Helen replied as she opened up the last message from her daughter. ‘But I need to pick Milly up from the Women’s Hospital. Sorry, Phoebes, I’m going to have to get moving.’
‘No need to explain, just go,’ Phoebe said and when Helen remained rooted to the spot, unsure of what to do next, she added, ‘Go, Helen!’
Milly was sitting alone in a row of chairs running along the corridor. Leaning forward with her elbows on her knees and her chin propped on her hands, she stared intently at the wall opposite and didn’t notice Helen approaching. Even when she recognized the sound of footsteps, she turned in the wrong direction towards what Helen presumed was the labour room where John and Eva would be.
Helen was almost at her side by the time Milly turned towards her mum, lifting her head to reveal red puffy eyes brimming with fresh tears. The questions that Helen had been ready to fire at her daughter were immediately swallowed back.
‘It’s all right,’ she said, sitting down and wrapping her arms around her little girl who had shrunk to such an extent that Helen was reminded of the sweet little toddler she had once been able to rest on her hip. She kissed the top of Milly’s head. ‘I’m here now.’
Milly’s shoulders began to shake as she buried her head. ‘Everyone keeps saying it’s going to be OK, Mum, but I don’t believe them. Dad looked so scared and so did Eva. Is she going to die?’
The only information Helen had gleaned so far was that Eva had gone into labour and they were concerned about her blood pressure. ‘I’m sure she’ll be fine. People have babies every day,’ she said and tried not to think of her own experiences as a nurse which had taught her that life was far from risk-free, even new life.
As she rocked her daughter, Helen looked up and down the corridor. At first glance she had thought the nurses’ station deserted but then spotted a nurse coming out of the backroom.
‘Shall I go and find out what’s happening?’ she asked, although the real question was whether or not Milly was willing to let go of her.
‘Yes, please.’
Despite the seriousness of the situation, Helen found herself smiling at her daughter’s new-found politeness as she approached the nurse.
‘Hi, could you tell me what’s happening with Mrs Butler?’ Helen asked, trying to ignore how odd it felt using her own name to describe John’s second wife, the mother of his new baby – hopefully.
‘Are you a relative?’
‘That’s my daughter,’ Helen said, nodding towards Milly who was watching them keenly. ‘I’m here to take her home but I’d like to be able to give her some reassurance that her stepmum and the baby are all right first.’
‘I don’t think there’s anything to be too concerned about. Do you want me to let them know you’re here? Mr Butler’s been worried about leaving Milly out in the corridor alone and he’ll be relieved to know you’re here.’
Helen wanted to say no. She hadn’t wanted to be at the hospital at all and intended on leaving as quickly as she could. She had never expected to be this close to the birth of John’s new family. ‘All right, but tell him he doesn’t have to come out,’ she managed to say. ‘Tell him to stay with Eva but if he has a message for Milly, that might be good.’
Returning to her daughter, Helen began pacing the floor while Milly resumed her previous pose of staring blankly at the wall. Helen had expected the nurse to return almost immediately but the minutes dragged on and when she did reappear, she gave Helen an encouraging smile that might have been a suggestion of good news or could just as easily have been hiding bad – Helen had offered her fair share of both. ‘He won’t be a minute,’ she called down the corridor and then quickly disappeared behind the nurses’ station again.
‘Is something wrong?’ Milly asked when she saw the unease on her mum’s face.
Helen gave her own version of a false smile. ‘No, of course not. She would have come over and said something if there was,’ Helen said to convince them both.
There was a gentle creak of a door and then John appeared. He was tall with unkempt russet hair and his usual pale complexion was blighted with bright red blotches that made his cheeks glow, exaggerating the beaming smile on his face. He bounded towards them and was looking at Helen when he said, ‘She’s had the baby and they’re both fine.’
Thankfully for both of them, John remembered to turn his attention to his daughter and he knelt down in front of Milly to cup her face so she would keep his gaze. ‘I’ve only ever felt this happy once before and that was the day you were born, Milly.’
Helen pressed her lips together in a tight line that rippled with emotion, the smile she had been trying to maintain all but forgotten. She could remember that day so perfectly and even though she and John had barely been more than children themselves, they had both immediately recognized how momentous the occasion was. While they had been terrified and even a little reluctant to become parents, they hadn’t taken their new roles lightly. The pregnancy had been a mistake, as was the marriage, but there was a part of Helen that didn’t mind the fact that she had apparently skipped her youth and was fast-forwarding into middle age. She might complain but she wouldn’t have it any other way. The day Milly had been born remained by far the best day of her life.
That pink bundle of delight was a person in her own right now, someone who formed her own views and opinions, and Helen focused on working out how Milly was dealing with the news.
‘They’re not going to die, are they?’ she was asking.
‘Eva is a bit knackered but she’s fine otherwise, and the baby was balling his eyes out as soon as he was born. Do you want to see him?’
Milly’s eyes widened and at first Helen thought it was with horror but then she said, ‘Can I?’
John pulled himself up and Milly along with him, no longer holding her face but her hand. After taking only a few steps, however, he stopped and turned to Helen who hadn’t moved.
‘Aren’t you coming?’
Forcing herself out of her stupor, Helen remembered herself. ‘Seriously?’ she scoffed. ‘Your wife has just given birth and you think she’s going to appreciate her husband walking back into the room with his ex?’
‘She wouldn’t mind,’ John said. ‘You two get on well and she might even appreciate your support right now.’
Helen shook her head in reproach while wishing it was only Eva’s feelings she was trying to protect. ‘You really are a man, aren’t you, John?’
The proud father gave her a smug smile. ‘Yes.’
If Milly hadn’t been within earshot, Helen would have made some cutting remark about his manhood, but she was forced to bite her tongue. ‘I’ll wait here,’ she said simply.
The expression on John’s face changed and it was as if he had been blessed with an insight that had eluded him during their brief marriage. As he watched her wrestling with unwelcome emotions, Helen felt exposed and wished he would go away. It took a tug of the hand from Milly to get him going.
‘Has he got a name yet?’ Helen asked quickly before they disappeared.
‘Oliver,’ John said and then looked down at his daughter for her approval.
She shrugged. ‘It could be worse.’
It was John rather than Milly who gave Helen one last look before disappearing into the labour room. It was a look that rooted Helen to the spot long after the door closed and the pale cream corridor began to ripple behind a film of tears that had washed over her eyes.
She inhaled deeply and cursed under her breath. Why the hell was she being so emotional?
It wasn’t as if she had feelings for John any more and it had been a long time since Paul had needed to act as their go-between. They had settled their differences and maintained a fairly close relationship, not so much like brother and sister but distant cousins perhaps. She had genuinely been happy for John when he remarried, if not a little concerned about its impact on Milly, and again, the same feelings when he announced they were having a baby. So why on earth did she want to burst into tears? Why did the thought of going into that room and seeing John’s second child all brand new and wrinkly give her palpitations?
Ignoring the sign that told her not to use her mobile, Helen quickly texted Phoebe. Her hand was shaking as she sent her friend a message telling her the news and apologizing once again for leaving her high and dry. She then scrolled down to find Julia’s number. This was news that couldn’t be delivered by text but neither could she make the call, even though of everyone she knew, it was Julia she wanted to speak to most. She needed an adult to make sense of feelings that felt distinctly adolescent, but there was a chance if she phoned now she would burst into tears and make a fool of herself.
There was the now familiar creak of a door as Milly reappeared, thankfully on her own. She held her body taught with her shoulders hunched, and judging by the smile on her face, she was a tense ball of excitement. ‘Oh. My. God!’ she exclaimed as quietly as she could. ‘He’s sooooo adorable. They let me hold him and he was crying but then he stopped and he was looking at me and I thought he was going to smile but then his lip started trembling and it was really funny when his face scrunched up and then he started crying so I gave him back to Eva quick and then he really started crying and they—’
Helen put her hand on her daughter’s arm. ‘Milly,’ she said slowly, ‘remember to breathe, sweetheart.’
The Goodbye Gift Page 12