Schedule? Just how detailed was Jelena’s plan? We were definitely having an in-depth conversation at lunchtime.
‘Your entrance was captivating,’ Lindsay told Jelena.
‘I loved your speech,’ Cassie said. ‘Except for the part about me and Scott — that was a bit embarrassing.’
‘Cass, don’t you want your love to spread its light and benefit others?’ Jelena said. ‘You’re a shining example of what the masses can hope for.’
Sara shook her head. ‘Okay — masses? And that chariot thing you rode in on?’
‘Lectica,’ Jelena said. ‘I was aiming for an ancient Roman feel — the ancient world is where democracy began.’
‘I thought you were meant to be of the people,’ Sara said. ‘Not above them.’
‘Regal bearing shouldn’t be taken for arrogance, Sara.’
‘You had slaves supporting your body weight!’ Sara objected.
‘They were willing participants,’ Jelena shot back.
Sara gave her a look. ‘Willing?’
‘I hired them,’ Jelena replied. ‘The money came out of my campaign budget. I’ve been setting aside funds since Year Seven. I’m not about serfdom; fair wages keep people from rioting. I have Russian ancestry, remember? I think the revolution taught me something.’
‘People!’ Mr Quinten waved his hands to get the crowd’s attention, which had waned now that Jelena had left the stage. ‘To round things up, our final campaigner. Although he’s relatively new to this school, he’s certainly not without enthusiasm for it. Alex West!’
We all looked at Jelena. Her elegant jaw dropped for an instant, but she quickly regained her composure. She knew full well that our gossip-loving classmates would be scrutinising her face for a reaction. She arched one brow like a disinterested cat and examined her manicure.
Alex West’s name had been taboo in our group following recent events. After courting Jelena, indisputably the Helen of Troy at Jefferson, for weeks, Alex had done a turnabout after finding out about my (short-lived) potential modelling contract. Not only had he pretended to be my secret admirer, but once rejected (like I’d ever go for a guy one of my friends was crazy about) he’d also spread a rumour around the school that I’d passionately kissed him. He’d sullied my reputation, portraying me as a man-stealing woman, and had nearly driven a betrayal-shaped stake through my friendship with Jelena. Thankfully Hayden had come to my defence and silenced the rumours, and Jelena and I had made up. However, a week later the whole situation was still pretty raw.
‘He’s no threat,’ Jelena scoffed as Alex darted up onto the stage. ‘After all, he’s blacklisted school-wide after his pathetic attempts at social climbing.’
What she said was true. I couldn’t believe Alex thought he’d actually win enough votes to be school captain. Then again, he’d never had a problem with confidence.
‘And here we go with another speech,’ Mr Quinten said, checking his watch.
‘I’m not about gimmicks,’ Alex said, taking the microphone from Mr Quinten. ‘My policies are grounded in the real world, not some utopian fantasy.’ He sent a pointed look Jelena’s way.
‘Funny, seeing as he was the one who claimed his fantasy hook-up with Aurora as real life,’ Jelena said loudly. People sitting near us let out snickers.
‘Other candidates can idealise all they want, even to the point of promising you princes and princesses,’ Alex went on. ‘But we’re nearly adults, so let’s not pretend this kiddie Disney stuff is going to miraculously change our lives.’
Okay, now I was seeing red. My program was grounded in reality! Why did people belittle love, or put it into gooey pink boxes labelled ‘schmaltz’? Love could change lives!
‘How about some policies that reflect the fact that we’re on the verge of adulthood?’ Alex continued. ‘I’m talking about membership for all Year Eleven and Twelve students at a real gym with professionally guided workout sessions. Let’s take our training to a level beyond doing laps round the oval.’
A roar of approval broke out from the section where the rugby and cricket teams were sitting.
‘Man! Think of the chicks we’ll pull after those workouts!’ one guy yelled. He flexed a bicep, grinning.
Matt Stevens looked decidedly uneasy.
Sara let out a sigh. ‘He’s pandering to male vanity. We’re done for.’
‘Pure brawn alone never won a woman, as Alex should know,’ Jelena called out.
Laughs broke out across the auditorium.
‘Aurora’s program doesn’t just get you dates, it gives you the inside knowledge on the opposite sex, arming you with tips and tricks to win any guy or girl over,’ Jelena continued. ‘She’s a personal trainer of the heart.’
Alex smirked. ‘Cue the Disneyisms. I have a feeling my opponent’s going to tell us to “wish upon a star” next.’
Jelena stood up. She looked like she was ready to take to the stage and snatch the microphone from him. Mr Quinten saved her the effort and stepped in front of Alex.
‘Yes, it’s set to be an exciting campaign this year! Fabulous to see that the candidates are so passionate about their policies. We look forward to hearing more from Mr West and Ms Cantrill on another occasion.’ He waved Alex off the stage.
‘Why did they outlaw beheadings?’ Jelena muttered when we met up for lunch. ‘Or putting someone in the stocks? Maybe I can make it my first ruling when I win the election. I reckon the boys who made my lectica could whip up some stocks. We could set them up in the courtyard near the fountain.’
‘Jelena!’ Cassie looked horrified.
‘What?’ Jelena said. ‘It’s not hurting Alex as such; it’s merely allowing some public jeering. Are you saying you wouldn’t like to throw a mouldy orange at the guy who humiliated me and almost ruined Aurora’s reputation?’
‘Alex deserves it,’ Sara agreed as we headed over to our usual lunchtime spot by the monkey bars. ‘He’s the definition of cynical.’
‘Technically, they used to throw rats and excrement as well,’ Lindsay said.
Mr Bannerman had obviously covered medieval torture with his usual gusto in Lindsay’s class last year too.
‘You might have a hard time getting buckets of excrement and cages of rats approved by the school board,’ I said.
‘Ew. Okay, no-one’s getting unhygienic,’ Jelena replied as she swung herself onto the top of the bars. ‘There are standards, people. Rotten fruit and vegetables only. And maybe we could write some embarrassing things on him with Texta.’
‘I suppose.’ Cassie still looked uneasy.
‘Hey, if Alex gains control of this school, he will not have one iota of mercy,’ Jelena said. ‘Think of Stalin.’
‘Okay, I’m totally with you on the whole stocks thing, but comparisons with Stalin might be taking it a bit far,’ Lindsay said as she unwrapped her sandwich.
Jelena took a dainty sip of her sparkling mineral water. ‘Well, I personally think he’s got the potential to become a despot, so now I’m even more committed to winning this election. We need to stop Alex from ascending the first rung of the ladder of political power.’
‘On principle, I’m not going to stand by and watch him scoff at the holiness of the heart’s affection,’ I said. After Alex’s ‘Disney’ insult, I was totally with Jelena.
‘Wow,’ Lindsay said. ‘That’s some statement.’
‘It’s partly Keats,’ I admitted. ‘We’ve been studying his poetry and letters in Mrs Kent’s class. Uber-romantic stuff.’
I’d recently been tempted to get Keats’s mantra, ‘Love is my religion’, tattooed on my wrist. Admittedly, the urge had lasted a total of three milliseconds before practicality hit (I’m totally needle-phobic), but I was still considering getting a T-shirt made up.
‘Now that’s the determination my campaign party needs,’ Jelena said, clinking her mineral water against my orange-juice bottle in a toast. ‘So, are you ready to launch the Find a Prince/Princess Program™ on Friday night?�
�
My resolve faltered. Yes, I’d always intended my program to go public, but I hadn’t planned for it to happen so soon. The union of Cass and Scott was testament to the program’s success, but apart from reuniting TylerandLindsay, that was my only test case so far. Plus, the defining principles of the program were still a little shaky. Originally I’d intended the program only for teenage girls. I knew what qualities a Potential Prince should have, but what should a guy look for in a Potential Princess? And what defined a successful love match? Chemistry? The can’t-stop-thinking-about-them factor? Or was it common interests and ethics? Where did the paths of common sense and emotion cross? How many dates did it take to declare that a person had found their Prince or Princess? These were the foundations of the program and I needed to nail them down, otherwise how could I expect people to follow my advice?
‘I just hadn’t expected to launch it just yet,’ I admitted. ‘Like Daniel said, are people really going to want to take advice from someone rocking the name Lethal Lips?’
Sara rolled her eyes. ‘Please do not start quoting that idiot. Or take on board Alex’s cynicism. Like his own romantic life is any huge success. You can tell by the Disney remarks that he’s got some deep-set issues. No-one’s that nasty about Jiminy Cricket and his star — I mean, come on.’
‘Well, you helped me land Scott, Aurora,’ Cassie said with a grin. ‘I can personally vouch for the program.’
‘Scott fell head over heels the second he beheld you,’ I said. ‘But I like to think I may have streamlined the process.’
‘Aurora, this election is everything to me,’ Jelena said. ‘Do you really think I’d be betting on you if I didn’t think it would all end successfully? Have you ever seen me associate myself with anything less than stellar?’
Hearing her say that only made me feel even more hesitant. If my program was a core part of Jelena’s overall campaign, there was even more at stake if it failed. The disappointment I’d feel if the program was unsuccessful was one thing. But what would happen to our friendship if she felt I’d cost her the election?
Jelena was still talking. ‘Even if there are some non-believers out there, the fact that they keep focusing on the Lethal Lips thing is actually a form of fascination. People want to talk about you and your love life. They always have. You know yourself how many people showed up at the Much Ado About Nothing rehearsal that fateful day when you and Hayden were supposed to lock lips. You always get the entire school talking. So when this program is launched, they’ll talk about that too. That’s what’s going to drive my campaign to the finish line ahead of everyone else’s.’
That, or we’d overturn, hit a tree and the campaign vehicle would explode into a fiery inferno.
I felt a twinge of guilt at the negative picture. I used to be such an optimist. What had my recent dating disasters done to me? Where was the Aurora who’d wanted to be Cupid’s wingwoman? The past four days had torn a nasty gash in my former resolve, just as I had in poor Hayden’s lip.
‘I just wish I’d had time to help a few other couples before putting my techniques out in the public domain,’ I said. ‘Then I’d have more examples of my work to bring to the table.’
Jelena shrugged. ‘Hey, you won Hayden Paris. No further proof needed. The entire female student body is in awe of how you got him to fall head over heels for you. They want a bit of that magic for themselves.’
Unfortunately, that was exactly what it felt like — magic. As in something elusive and unexplainable. It was a struggle even for me to know how I’d won Hayden. Until he’d revealed himself as my secret admirer, I’d spent most of our contact time firing feisty words at him, scowling at him in class and doing all I could to avoid him during the Much Ado About Nothing rehearsals. I’d just been lucky that by the time I realised I was crazy about him, my behaviour hadn’t obliterated his feelings for me.
Jelena could tell I wasn’t convinced. ‘You’re not a halfhearted person, Aurora, and you want to help other people approach their relationships wholeheartedly. All you have to do is turn your original passion for the program into direct action. Think about it overnight.’
‘And just remember,’ Cass said, ‘most of us want a little fairy dust in our lives.’
I smiled at her. It was amazing to see how my determination to ensure she and Scott reached Couple Central had paid off. Cass seemed to float through the school day, the weight of her backpack or the burden of an upcoming assignment never dimming the halogen-light brightness of her smile. Imagine if more of our classmates were tapped on the shoulder by Cupid. Senior-year stress levels would take a dive. Impatience during oral presentations would be non-existent. I had to give this further thought.
Matchmaker. Fanner of the flames of love. Amore-inducer. Love referee. How could I have so many synonyms for my chosen profession and still have no idea how to proceed?
I was sitting on my bed with my laptop, staring at the blank screen that should be outlining my Dating Doctrine. It had all seemed so simple in practice — i.e. coming up with tricks to help Cass catch Scott — but once I tried to put it down on paper it sounded so clinical.
Out of desperation I googled ‘matchmaking’ and scrolled through the search results, which were all sites for established matchmakers. I didn’t click on any links. I wanted my program to be one of a kind, totally different from what was out there already. Checking out my competitors’ tips and tricks wasn’t the inspiration I needed.
I tried another phrase: ‘love advice’.
I started when I saw Ovid pop up amongst the results. A Roman poet as matchmaker — that was more my style. I didn’t just want to be a relationship guru; I wanted to be a relationship guru who wrote. I clicked through, keen to learn how to meld my twin interests.
OMG. Ovid was the Dr Phil of his era! The article described how he’d written three books that were collectively called Ars Amatoria or ‘The Art of Love’. I scrolled down the page. Apparently his first book was a how-to guide for men on winning a woman’s heart. Ovid had covered everything from ancient Roman hot spots for meeting a woman (‘Book I, Part II, How to Find Her’) to the failsafe first-date outfit (‘Don’t delight in curling your hair with tongs’) and maintaining a positive outlook on your chances for love (‘First of all, believe there’s no-one you can’t get; you’ll attract someone, simply lay the net’). Book two (published at the same time) told his avid readers how to keep the women they’d won. His advice included ‘give her little tasteful gifts’ and ‘respect her freedom’. Apparently the Romans had gone wild for both books, so Ovid had quickly taken advantage of a keen market and followed up with a third one. This was aimed at the female market, with advice on everything from ways to handle a bad hair day to playing it cool with your admirers: ‘Don’t be too anxious. Make him wait a little.’ That was exactly what I’d told Lindsay to do when Tyler had been scrambling to win her back! Although scrolls had long been replaced by text messages, Ovid’s tips were still spot on, two thousand years later. I loved it! I excitedly searched for more quotes from Ars Amatoria.
‘Venus favours the bold’ — the words leapt out at me, almost like a challenge. Ovid’s statement didn’t just apply to wooing and winning; it was about seizing chances — whether it was reaching forward and grasping the hand of the one you’re crazy about or taking an unexpected opportunity to launch your truth upon the world. I snatched up my mobile and dialled Jelena.
‘Ovid,’ I said before she finished the word ‘hello’.
‘Influential Roman poet. Banished by Augustus in 8 AD. What about him?’
‘He published dating guides on how to win over the opposite sex! He’s my new mentor.’
‘Fabulous!’ Jelena said. ‘This is totally in line with my theme.’
‘Theme?’ I repeated.
‘As you saw today with the lectica, I’m trying to evoke the glory of the Roman era. Audiences don’t want boring schoolyard sermons; they want the theatrically compelling stuff.’
I i
magined Jelena launching into rhyming couplets for her campaign speech.
‘Politics and entertainment go hand in hand,’ she went on. ‘Think Julius Caesar — before he was emperor he made his mark by recreating epic sea battles for audiences. He threw a party in the streets with twenty-two thousand tables! The Romans totally realised that if he became leader there’d be no end of enjoyable events. He became one of the most popular rulers in Roman history.’
‘Until he got stabbed,’ I said.
I hated to be a killjoy, but we had to be realistic. Some of the Roman emperors were seriously off their tree. Last year, for an ancient history unit, I’d had to write about Caligula, who’d forced his legions to wade into the water then pick up shells as evidence that he was ‘conqueror of the sea’.
‘Hey, that was all to do with the haters in the senate, not public opinion,’ Jelena replied cheerfully. ‘High school is just as brutal as ancient Rome, and being popular is just as important as any policies I might suggest — probably more so when it comes to our classmates casting their votes. I’m already unofficial party-planning queen, so now all I’ve got to do is take it up a notch and emphasise just how enjoyable for all my rule as captain will be. That’s what Friday night’s all about — Rome in all its decadence.’
Caligula aside, I had to admit that I did support Jelena’s radical approach to modern politics. Anything that dragged our schoolmates’ attention away from Facebook and Instagram for even a brief period had to be a plus. I felt really bad for Hayden sometimes when I watched people shopping on their iPhones during the school-council meeting updates.
‘So taking Ovid as my muse is totally era-appropriate,’ I said.
‘Genius,’ Jelena replied. ‘You and I are innovators. I have no worries when it comes to you implementing the Find a Prince/Princess Program™.’
‘You don’t want to look through the guidelines once I’ve mapped them out?’ I asked, surprised. It wasn’t like Jelena to relinquish any iota of control.
‘As I said, I trust you. My chief decree is that you have a solid breakdown of how the program will work over the next few weeks. Basically, we need the three “matchmakees”, as I’m calling them, matched up and blissfully happy by the time election day rolls around. The details are your domain. All I ask is that the program runs seamlessly so we build a reputation for results.’
How to Convince a Boy to Kiss You Page 7