The car stopped in front of us. Mr Paris turned off the engine and opened the door.
‘Hayden.’ His voice was displeasure personified.
Any hope of redeeming myself in the Parises’ opinion vanished. I looked like a siren who’d lured Hayden down from the house, and who had no respect for the Parises’ rules or their property. ‘Mr Paris,’ I said miserably, ‘this isn’t Hayden’s fault.’
‘Aurora, I think it’s best you go home.’ Mr Paris gave me a disappointed smile. Part of me would have preferred him to be angry. Disappointment always struck me to the core. ‘I need to speak to Hayden.’
I didn’t dare disobey him. I handed Hayden the basket and walked back to the fence, resisting the temptation to break into a sprint. Funny how horrendously awkward it is climbing over a fence late at night while your crush’s father is watching.
CHAPTER 9
Sunday was torture. I was unable to see or speak to Hayden through any medium, so I didn’t know what further punishment his parents had issued after last night’s events. Knowing Hayden, he would have claimed the whole thing as his idea, to divert all responsibility away from me. I dreaded to think what Mr and Mrs Paris would say when they discovered the dented window. If the glass had splintered at all, I was going to march next door and hand over the money for the repairs. I might have snuck into their yard, but I wasn’t going to sneak away from my responsibilities.
I played the events of last night again and again in my mind, imagining myself stopping at the fence, or not picking up that stone. But always I ended up with the image of Hayden standing in front of me, his face close to mine. Lying on my daybed on Sunday morning, I imagined his fingers entwined with mine and felt my face flush as I relived the feel of his lips on my forehead, his breath on my cheek, the warmth emanating from his skin as he moved closer and closer. I wanted that kiss. I wanted it so badly.
Only I couldn’t seem to bring it fully to life. The moments leading up to it were all startlingly real — the nerves, Hayden’s smile, the smell of his green-apple cologne, the trembling of my hand in his — but after that, after I’d envisaged his lips meeting mine, nothing. No pressure, no sensation of skin against skin, no momentous fulfilment of the thing I most wanted. It was as if the trauma of our last lip-to-lip moment had wiped out everything else, leaving only blankness in its place. It was as if I had never experienced a kiss at all.
I opened my eyes with a start. What if the same thing happened when Hayden and I next attempted a kiss in real life? What if I completely froze, too terrified of the accidents that might occur when our mouths met? I imagined Hayden’s mouth moving over my completely unresponsive one, and shivered. That would make me the worst type of kisser — the dead-fish kisser. I’d heard Sara shrieking about a guy who kissed like a dead fish after one unfortunate movie date. We’d all laughed at her outburst, but as I reflected on it now, I realised poor Andy had been shaking in his boots when he asked Sara out. It must have been nerves that had paralysed his lip muscles.
I couldn’t let it happen to me. I had to become a kisser extraordinaire, like now! But how? I thought back to the advice Jelena had issued the day I was dubbed Lethal Lips. The internet!
I had to admit, I was unconvinced that the electronic domain could act as tutor for such an intimate act. But when I wandered downstairs to find my laptop and googled ‘kissing tips’, my doubts were erased by the innumerable results: ‘First kiss do’s and don’ts’, ‘Twenty types of kisses to win him over’, ‘Nose placement know-how’, ‘To French or not to French — the role of the tongue in the initial liplock’, ‘Kissing someone taller than you’. I barely knew where to start.
I clicked on ‘Your first kiss: breaking down the basics’ and excitedly started reading, clicking on further links as they appeared. I jumped up and grabbed a notebook, then began scribbling notes.
As more and more pages filled up, I started to worry. The basics didn’t seem basic at all — in fact, they seemed overwhelming. I’d never considered the sheer number of factors that made up a successful kiss. You couldn’t just stick with your lips meeting his. Oh no. Terms like ‘pucker position’, ‘yield and give’, ‘over and under extension’ were thrown around, and each was deemed crucial. Some descriptions made me think of scuba diving. ‘Don’t forget to come up for air’, one article warned. It seemed, just like Cassie had mentioned, that there was a real risk of expiring mid-act.
The more I googled and the more notes I took, the more questions arose. Lip pressure was supposed to vary throughout the kiss, but who started first? What if I initiated the kiss and launched into it enthusiastically, but Hayden preferred soft kisses? Or vice versa? Every kissing tip mentioned being responsive to your partner’s kissing style. One site advised, ‘Kissing conscientiously is often sadly overlooked. You should be able to ascertain appropriate pressure from your kissing partner. Try to subtly anticipate their movements.’ Being a newbie to the art, I doubted my intuitiveness was that developed. Knowing me, I’d get into a panic and flail from one style to the next, in the hope of getting something right.
Timing was a factor too. Apparently a good kiss was somewhat spontaneous; and yet you couldn’t be too spontaneous — any sudden movement heightened the chances of knocking noses or kissing chins instead of lips and so forth. You had to simultaneously consider all of these factors, while still maintaining complete focus upon your partner and abandoning yourself to the moment. Distraction was a punishable offence in the kissing domain, it seemed — if you were distracted, your partner would sense it and all intimacy would be lost. So while multi-tasking I had to ensure I wasn’t perceived as multi-tasking. My kissing had to appear effortless.
As I moved on to the pages on French kissing, my head clouded further with confusion. Part of me wondered if God truly intended tongues to be used in kissing. The whole idea of two slug-like things ‘dancing and curling around each other’, as one site put it, was really unappealing to me. There was no mention of tongues in fairytales!
And how wide was too wide when it came to mouths? Obviously you couldn’t come at someone with your mouth open like the shark in Jaws, but you couldn’t gracefully manoeuvre your tongue out between your lips and into his mouth without a significant gap in the case of both parties, could you? What if you stuck your tongue out and his lips were closed at that very moment?
‘Arggh.’ I shut the lid of the laptop, overwhelmed. I needed more intensive help. A 3-D visual would work wonders, but I could hardly check out Cass and Scott and take detailed notes. That would be creepy.
I opened the laptop again and typed in ‘kissing demonstrations’. I started with excitement when a video link popped up. A real-life tutorial — perfect! This way I could view the process of a pash bit by bit, from initial contact to final breakaway — and rewind if necessary.
I pressed play. A youngish guy with an encouraging smile popped up onscreen.
‘Hello, I’m Kai, the Kissing Guy. I’m here to ensure your introduction to the poetics of the pash is as breezy as possible.’ Kai’s voice was super enthusiastic. ‘Today we’re going to run through the fundamentals of a successful kiss, including head alignment, lip pressure, the technicalities of tongues and the successful breakaway. We’ll examine each stage in detail so you get a good feel for it.’
Kai was wearing a purple skivvy. I had to wonder how he’d scored enough kisses wearing that thing to be experienced enough to give a tutorial.
‘You may want to follow along, practising on the back of your hand,’ Kai continued. ‘Some people practise on a pillow, but in my opinion the sensation of skin against your lips will help you to assess appropriate saliva levels.’
I looked at my hand. This was straight out of some embarrassing eighties movie, where a teenage girl with a bad perm stared longingly at a yearbook picture of an unattainable quarterback.
‘I encourage you to break away from your hand every so often and examine it,’ Kai said. ‘If there’s no saliva on your hand, you know
your kisses are too dry and your mouth should be more open. If your hand is trickling with saliva, obviously your kisses are too wet. This is a result of having your mouth open too wide, or not engaging enough and merely letting your mouth hang open so the saliva seeps out.’
My stomach churned. I so didn’t want trickles of saliva running over my hand. Maybe I could just watch rather than actively engage in the tutorial.
‘This may seem unappealing to many of you, but a bit of practice goes a long way,’ Kai continued. ‘You’ll be thankful you put aside your doubts when you’re kissing the guy or girl of your dreams. Experts say that the first kiss can determine the eventual outcome of the relationship. If it’s a good kiss, the couple will continue building their bond. If it’s bad, the couple are extremely unlikely to form a significant relationship. In fact, in a recent study, fifty-nine per cent of men and sixty-six per cent of women reported that they lost their attraction to a formerly desirable partner after a less-than-perfect first kiss.’
At least Hayden and I had had a sensational first kiss. But now, saliva or not, I couldn’t risk ruining our future relationship due to my hesitation over using my hand as a make-out partner. I pressed pause on the video and drew the curtains over the lounge-room windows. Thank god the NAD was out. I sat back on the couch, sighed and raised my wrist to my mouth. I turned the sound up so I could hear Kai’s instructions while my hand was half over my face.
‘So, the big moment has arrived,’ Kai said in voiceover mode as the scene changed to a shot of him and a girl in a matching skivvy standing close together against a white backdrop. ‘He or she is standing in front of you, their lips millimetres from yours. If this is your first time, you’ll be asking yourself, “When do I shut my eyes?”’
That was a fair point.
‘You don’t want to shut them too early. Eye contact is key to building intimacy. Our pupils dilate when we’re attracted to someone, and we are instinctively attuned to register this reaction in our partner’s eyes. If pupil dilation is occurring effectively, you are likely to feel slightly dizzy and drawn in by your partner’s gaze. This is when most couples move into “pash position” — their bodies are urging them to get closer. Now, if you want incredible build-up, try to hold one another’s gaze until you’re too close to maintain eye contact.’
I paused the video and took up my pen. I couldn’t do this half-heartedly. I drew a pair of eyes on one side of my hand, then added a nose and mouth. I had to have some idea of where to place my lips, otherwise I’d be roaming all over the place and end up making out with Hayden’s cheeks and chin. Having an outline made sense. In an attempt towards realism, I added a pair of masculine eyebrows. No-one could say I hadn’t given my all to this kissing thing.
‘Staring deeply into your partner’s eyes, move your face closer inch by inch,’ Kai continued.
I looked at my hand. It was hardly giving off the look of love. I pretended it was Hayden, remembering the way his eyes had looked last night when he’d pleaded for a kiss. Bam. I got that hazy feeling. Pupil dilation was obviously kicking in.
‘You’re probably so close to your partner that you think you’re going to go cross-eyed,’ Kai said, breaking into my slight delirium. ‘Close your eyes at this point. Some of you may be a little worried about missing your mark now you can’t see. But if you’ve lined yourself up correctly and tilted your head to the right so as to avoid any collisions, you should meet your target easily. Do NOT keep your eyes open. I cannot emphasise this enough. No-one wants to kiss a freaky starer.’
I shut my eyes, doing all I could to block the overwhelming sense of the ridiculous from my mind. You are kissing Hayden. Not your hand. Hayden. I repeated the mantra to myself.
‘Relax your lips,’ Kai said. ‘Relaxed lips are kissable lips. Be sure not to over-purse them — if you make your pout too Angelina Jolie, your lips will seem hard and immovable to your kissing partner. It’s easy to tense up when you’re nervous, but that’s exactly what you’re aiming to avoid. Remember to keep breathing. Part your lips ever so slightly and make contact.’
I felt like a complete idiot with my mouth poised millimetres from my own hand. You’ll be grateful later, the voice in my head chastised.
My lips met the skin on the back of my hand. I resisted the urge to jerk away.
‘Press your lips against your partner’s,’ I heard Kai say. ‘Keeping your lips ultra relaxed yet controlled …’
How did you stay relaxed yet controlled?
‘… move your lips gently over your partner’s. Press your lips together and then apart. It’s much like the motion you’d use to kiss someone on the cheek, but more drawn out. If you’re practising on your hand, you’ll be able to feel how you can adjust the pressure of your lips. Try building up to a firmer pressure as the kiss gets more passionate.’
I tried to make the liplock more intense, but without a pair of lips pressing back it was extremely hard to ascertain the correct positioning. Plus, it felt utterly alien to be fervently pashing my own hand.
‘A great move is to place your upper lip just above your partner’s upper lip, so your lower lip is nestled between their lips. Try nipping and lightly sucking at their lips, tilting your head accordingly. When you’re ready, switch round so your upper lip is between their lips and you’re nuzzling at their lower lip. For anyone practising on their hand, you can try this on the edge of your thumb.’
I’d totally moved off the marker guidelines and was currently nuzzling Hayden’s ear. Why did nuzzling make me think of a bear?
‘Okay, the kiss is going tremendously well,’ Kai said. ‘Now is the time to momentarily break away, without pulling back entirely from your partner.’
I released my hand from the passionate embrace. Both of us were grateful for the break.
‘Make sure you’re still breathing steadily through your nose,’ Kai instructed. ‘When you’re ready, commence the kiss again, but this time part your lips and allow your tongue to slip through them. Tentatively at first, trace your tongue along your partner’s lips.’
I resisted a shriek as I felt my tongue tickle the back of my hand. It was like when Snookums licked salt off my hands, only minus the roughness.
‘Not too fast now,’ Kai warned. ‘If your partner likes the sensation, they will mirror your action with their tongue. This is your green light to proceed. Slowly open your mouth slightly wider and push your tongue forward to explore your partner’s mouth. Do NOT lunge your tongue into their mouth or point it in a stabbing motion. Your tongue should be a tentative explorer.’
I tried to imagine Hayden’s tongue as a tentative explorer and got a picture of a nineteenth-century traveller hacking his way through the jungle. I burst out laughing.
‘You should be lost in the moment at this stage,’ Kai said.
I looked at my hand and laughed harder. What was wrong with me? This was meant to be my introduction to a soul kiss!
‘French kissing is the most challenging technique,’ Kai said. ‘It can go disastrously wrong or incredibly right, depending on how you execute it. It’s the area where you’re most likely to be deemed a good or bad kisser, so I’d encourage you to spend time practising this one.’
The idea of being judged on my ability with my tongue struck terror into me. I rewound the tutorial several times so I could rehearse from start to finish.
At the end, Kai turned to face the camera while the dark-haired girl looked at him longingly.
‘I encourage you to watch my second instalment, which goes to the next level,’ he said. ‘In the meantime, may your kisses be as perfect as possible!’
The next clip popped up, entitled ‘Make-out Mastery’. What the heck, I’d gone this far. As I clicked play, I pictured myself delivering a knockout kiss that left Hayden reeling.
Kai was now wearing a yellow skivvy. He obviously took fashion tips from The Wiggles.
‘Mastery denotes extreme proficiency in a specific area,’ he began. ‘If you’ve watched my
first instalment, then you’ll be feeling A-okay with locking lips and working the French thing quite confidently. I’m now going to show you how to engage your whole body in the kiss and take things to the next level.’
This was exactly what I needed. All of the sites had warned against letting your hands hang limply by your sides; you had to involve them in the kiss. I was confused about whether to put my hands round Hayden’s shoulders, or place one hand on his cheek, or run my hands through his hair. Did I want things to be romantic or sexy or passionate, or all three at once? Was that even possible?
I heard a bang in the hall and shot up from my seat, feeling close to a heart attack. I pressed pause, then went to investigate. Snookums had stuck his head into one of my shoe boxes and was banging it against the front door. Bebe was attempting to knock the box off him. I returned to my laptop and pressed play again.
‘This is where we amp up the chemistry,’ Kai instructed. ‘So, we’re kissing passionately …’
I turned my attention back to my hand and resumed lip contact. I was starting to get way more control over the pressure — my tongue muscle was adapting. I guessed these tutorials were the equivalent of bicep exercises.
Kai broke away mid-kiss to face the camera. ‘Here’s where it heats up. You want to show your partner that this is one passionate and sexy kiss. Just warning you, this move can be tricky to pull off and it’s crucial to keep kissing as you do it.’
I watched almost hypnotised, my hand still at my mouth. There was another bang at the door. Probably Bebe, still wrestling Snookums for the box. I turned up the sound, super keen to progress to the next step. It was going to be groundbreaking stuff from Kai’s serious tone.
I watched as Kai pulled the girl closer to him and shifted his hand from her waist to her breast. OMG, this wasn’t just kissing, he was going for the grope! The girl let out a breathy sigh.
How to Convince a Boy to Kiss You Page 12