‘Okay, so Cass and I are feeling a bit better,’ I said to Jelena, relieved. ‘But it’s not fair to write off Lindsay and Tyler.’
‘My parents met at fifteen,’ Cass told Lindsay. ‘Though they didn’t actually become a couple until university. But I’m sure if they had taken the plunge in their teen years, they would still have lasted.’
Lindsay looked slightly happier.
‘You obviously don’t want to call it a day,’ I said to Lindsay.
She nodded. I knew that whatever was going on for her was hugely complex. Lindsay didn’t do things on a whim. Even when it came to shopping trips, she weighed up potential purchases for hours before putting her credit card down. She wouldn’t call it a day on Tyler until she was truly sure.
‘You forgot the word “yet”,’ Jelena murmured.
‘Jelena!’ we all cried.
‘Is it so wrong that I think Lindsay deserves a more mature man?’ Jelena asked. ‘A senior, maybe?’
‘Are you sure that’s not just your preferences talking?’ Sara said.
‘I don’t understand why one minute you’re holding them up as the Holy Grail of couples and planning for Tyler to present Lindsay with jewellery,’ I said. ‘And the next minute, you’re encouraging Linds to toss Tyler away.’
‘Firstly, I’m not saying drop him to the kerb like garbage,’ Jelena huffed. ‘More like gently hand him in to the charity shop, like a dress you don’t want to wear any more. You want someone else to be able to enjoy the item.’
‘I don’t know …’ Lindsay said. She looked slightly green at the idea of another girl snapping up Tyler like a lucky charity-shop find.
‘Secondly,’ Jelena continued, ‘I don’t want Lindsay unhappy. As her friend, I’m very aware of her dating market value. Why should she have to put up with something sub-par? And finally, having an unhappy couple as a representation of the program completely undermines both the program and the election. I either want them madly in love, or, if that’s not possible any more, not together at all. That’s why if Lindsay’s leaning towards closing this chapter with Tyler, I want her to decide ASAP what she’s going to do. Either end it completely so that Aurora can set her up with a fantastic new candidate in the next few weeks, or be considerate enough to hold off on dumping Tyler until I’m sworn in as captain.’
‘You are truly selfless,’ Sara said, bowing in servitude to Jelena.
Jelena merely smiled as if Sara was serious.
‘Lindsay, obviously I don’t want you to stay in a relationship that’s unhappy,’ I said. ‘But I really don’t think that’s the case. You love Tyler — and he loves you! There’s a holiness in that —’
‘And here comes the John Keats reference,’ Jelena interrupted.
I ignored her. ‘I don’t think you want to do a charity-shop drop-off when it comes to Tyler. You just want to shake things up a bit. And in order to do that, you need to amp up the passion. I’ll send you some links to the more advanced tips for stoking the fire.’
‘And me?’ Cass looked at me imploringly.
‘I could make a sculpture of a tongue-lashing creature?’ Jelena butted in. ‘I’ll make a plaque with Scott’s name on it, and come presentation day I’ll slice the tongue off with my scalpel. Or I’ll get one of the guys from the other class to do it, then it’s not so personal. Señor Stabby will totally get the point.’
We all gave her a look.
‘Too much, right?’ she said. ‘I’m telling you, the peg’s the answer. Or maybe at assembly you should do one of those Maori haka dances where you jab your tongue out instead of the Beyoncé number?’
‘Jelena, besides Cass, you’re the one who most needs this picture-perfect romance to work out,’ Sara said. ‘So just hush up and let the love guru do her thing so you win the election.’
Everyone turned to look at me. Wow. I couldn’t believe my friends still saw me as the dating expert after recent events. They had overwhelming faith in me.
‘Cass, I think you need to be straight up with Scott,’ I said. ‘From what I read last night, it’s kinder to say something than put up with it. Otherwise one day you’ll be unable to take it any more and the whole thing will fold in on you.’
‘But what can I say?’ Cass asked. ‘I’ve imagined every possible scenario and there’s never a right way to break the hard news.’
‘The articles I read said that you have to focus on the positive, not the negative,’ I replied. ‘So rather than saying, “Scott, your stabby tongue’s really off-putting,” you should say, “I really love being kissed gently” or “I love it when your tongue is relaxed”.’
Jelena, Sara and Lindsay collapsed laughing.
‘No!’ Sara gasped between snorts of laughter. ‘You can’t say that!’
‘I looove it when your tongue’s relaxed,’ Jelena told Sara.
Sara stuck her tongue out and lunged towards Jelena. Jelena shrieked and tossed a piece of clay-streaked paper at Sara. The paper bounced off Sara’s tongue and hit Lindsay on the shoulder.
‘Girls!’ shouted an irate Ms Collins.
‘You see how tongues wreak havoc?’ Jelena said. She was nearly crying with laughter as she slung an arm round Cass.
‘I think we need to have this conversation privately,’ I whispered to Cass as Jelena pulled her arm away and tossed more paper at Sara.
‘I know,’ Cass said. ‘I just can’t believe Jelena’s claiming superior maturity to Tyler.’
We both looked over at Tyler, who was diligently working on his sculpture in the front row. Meanwhile, Jelena was using her apron to mock-whip Sara.
CHAPTER 11
‘By the way,’ Jelena said to me as we headed out of art class half an hour later, ‘are you able to prepare a little statement for an announcement at 2 pm? I’ve cleared it with Mr Bannerman — he doesn’t mind if you miss five minutes or so of history so we can announce the chosen candidates.’
‘We’re picking the candidates this afternoon?’ I said, surprised. ‘You didn’t want to make an event of it?’
From the discussion on Saturday, I’d assumed Jelena would have a follow-up party this weekend at her parents’ house. The renovation was due to be finished on Thursday.
Jelena’s voice turned furious. ‘Bloody Travis. His disgusting mess on the couches meant I had to compensate Hayden’s parents the cost of their dry-cleaning. And replace the highly expensive outdoor lamp he smashed. All of which ate into my funds considerably. After all those years of saving, I now have to choose what to lay down cash for, can you believe it? Anyway, I’ve got bigger things in the pipeline for the next couple of weeks, so we’ll have to resort to a free public announcement.’
‘I feel like I should have prepared this more thoroughly,’ I said, getting worried. ‘Two o’clock’s only a couple of hours away.’
Jelena shrugged. ‘I didn’t want you building it up into a major thing and getting jitters. It’s pretty straightforward. All I want is a brief introduction about how beneficial the program will be, just in case some people were unable to make the party. Then I’ll draw names from the box and announce them with my usual flair.’ She shrugged again. ‘Easy. Then it’s on to determining the best matches for the three lucky candidates, setting them up on a series of dates, then finally selecting their Prince or Princess. Hey presto, the election is won. Anyways, I’d better run to business studies.’
How could she see it that simply? Once the names were drawn, the romantic fate of those individuals would be in my hands. It was a heavy responsibility.
With this notion dancing around my head, I became immediately jittery. And stayed jittery until 2 pm, by which time my jitters had reached a level akin to drinking three extra-tall coffees.
‘Um, nervous leg much?’ Jelena lightly kicked my left calf as she fixed her lipstick. We were sitting on a desk in the media room while the tech students set up for the filming of our segment. ‘Nip it in the bud. Live TV’s all about poise.’
Poise. That meant
no shaky sentences or visibly rapid breathing. I hated that I was this nervous. I usually had no problem with oral presentations, but this time I wasn’t sufficiently prepared. Even so, I had to kill this phobia right now. If I became an author, like I desperately wanted to, I would have to do public appearances and sit on panels at writers’ festivals. I couldn’t go pale while on a panel!
‘Okay, girls, could we have you in your spots, please?’
My heart became a jackhammer. I followed Jelena as she hopped up from the desk and headed over to take her place in front of the camera. She was wearing a blinding smile.
‘How can you not be nervous?’ I whispered to her as the camera guys fiddled with the equipment.
‘I have a general affection for the proletarians,’ Jelena replied perkily. ‘Even though they can be a little dull-witted at times. It’s like the Queen of England and her subjects.’
Thank goodness the cameras hadn’t started rolling.
‘Live in ten seconds,’ Andy, one of the camera guys, said. ‘I’ll count you down to three, then I’ll do a visual countdown with my fingers. The little light on the front of the camera will go green and you’re safe to go. Okay, ten, nine, eight, seven …’
Jelena gave me a nudge, frowning. My left foot was close to tap dancing. ‘Sorry!’ I mouthed. Jelena plastered the smile back on her face and I mimicked her. I’d read that pretending you were confident tricked your body into thinking you really were.
‘Six, five, four,’ Andy said, then held up his fingers to indicate the last three seconds. The light on the front of the camera changed from red to green. We were live to all classrooms.
‘Good afternoon, Jefferson High,’ Jelena said, her voice honey-smooth. She was wearing a bright yellow dress and I was sure she looked utterly radiant onscreen.
I wished I’d known to wear something a little more special than a white T-shirt. I’d been running late this morning. Thank god I’d had enough time to run the GHD through my hair at least. And I had on Hayden’s gorgeous necklace. He must be watching from history class. My heart did a sudden backflip. Do not think of boy you like, do not think of boy you like, I commanded myself. My cheeks were already flushed; I didn’t want them to become a virtual wildfire. I forced myself to focus on Jelena.
‘It was wonderful to see many of you on Friday night,’ she said. ‘I hope the party gave you a taste of the type of successful social event I would execute on a regular basis as school captain. I’m talking school formals and winter dances on a scale never seen before. I should also remind you that under my rule not only will you have superior celebrations to look forward to, but three lucky winners will be attending those events with their dream dates. Yes, the time has come to announce who will take part in Aurora’s revolutionary romance program. An overwhelming number of you filled in questionnaires at the party, which proves that finding that special someone is one of your top priorities. I’ll be drawing the names straight after Aurora’s explained how the program will operate. Aurora?’
The camera zoomed in on me. I swallowed nervously, focusing on keeping the smile on my face. All I had to do was pretend I was selling the benefits of the program to one of my friends. I never had any issues with confidence then.
‘By participating in the Find a Prince/Princess Program™, you’ll not only have access to a wide range of potential matches through our extensive database, but you’ll receive personalised coaching throughout the dating process as well,’ I began brightly. ‘The dates will be tailored to the shared interests of you and your potential partner, which means no stress for you in planning that perfect rendezvous. There’s no need to worry about accidentally taking a vegetarian to a steak restaurant or buying tickets to a romantic flick for a secret action buff. We also focus on post-date evaluation. If you aren’t interested in a candidate after your date, we’ll handle the embarrassing rejection process for you. If you are interested, we’ll gauge the interest of the datee, and if they’re similarly smitten, we’ll arrange for the two of you to proceed to the next date. There’s no danger of mixed signals and no need to agonise over whether or not to text first.
‘We also aim to remove the time-wasting factors that hinder your progress towards finding your Prince or Princess. For example, overanalysing your performance. In the real world, if you have what seems like a perfect date but then never hear from the guy or girl again, you can spend hours wondering what on earth went wrong. In the program, we can ascertain any performance blips that may be putting dates off and provide you with that helpful feedback. We also eradicate the fraudsters and cheaters before you waste time and energy on them. As you can see, the program provides an unbeatable level of care during the initial stages of a relationship. Jelena and I don’t just want to get you to that glorious finish line in the race of love, we also want to get you there easily and efficiently. Let us do the difficult work for you.’
I paused for a breather. I was amazed by how much passion had come to the fore during my spiel; it had completely knocked my nerves out of the way. I waved to the camera assistant, who rolled a whiteboard into shot.
‘Here are the three main aims of the Find a Prince/Princess Program™,’ I said, ‘set out step by step.’
I indicated the first bullet point. ‘H(appily) — H stands for “Helping find candidates a suitable match based on common interests and romantic goals”. This is where the questionnaires come in. We feed the data into our unique Chemistry Calculator to narrow down the three most compatible matches for each candidate.’
I indicated the second bullet point. ‘E(ver) — E stands for “Evaluating the suitability of selected candidates through a series of dates”. The evaluation process assesses physical chemistry, intellectual rapport and shared goals and values. A third party is crucial here. Many of us mistake electrifying chemistry as a sign of true compatibility, but that’s not always the case. Our program helps to identify whether you and your match share the crucial factors that contribute to long-term happiness.’
I pointed to the final bullet point. ‘A(fter) — A stands for “Arming the couple with the tools to maintain a healthy relationship into the future”. This is the stuff that you don’t think about in those early stages when you’re floating on clouds of happiness. We aim to give you techniques for handling issues such as jealousy, money and arguments, and we also consider your future goals. We don’t just want to find your perfect match; we want to make things work for you both long-term.’
I paused again to let the invisible audience take in my words. I visualised them leaning forward in their chairs, super keen to find out more, all hoping their name would be drawn today.
‘Jelena and I believe we have something truly special to offer in the Find a Prince/Princess Program™,’ I finished. ‘I’m incredibly excited to hand over to Jelena to announce the three very lucky matchmakees.’
The camera moved back to Jelena and the assistant handed her a stylish bowler hat filled with scraps of paper.
‘The level of attention given to these three matchmakees will be phenomenal,’ Jelena said. ‘For those whose names aren’t drawn, you can still share in the fun. Aurora and I will be keeping you in the loop about the matchmakees’ progress via the Aurora Skye: Find a Prince/Princess Program™ Facebook page and regular Twitter updates. We can all feel like we’re sharing in these love stories.’
I tried not to look surprised. Jelena hadn’t mentioned a Facebook page or Twitter feed to me. Still, these days you had to be multi-platform in your approach.
‘I should mention now that as part of their free-of-charge participation in the program, all candidates and their dates must sign a contract agreeing to the details of their experiences being documented in social media, advertising materials and at school for the period of the campaign,’ Jelena added smoothly. ‘So, enough delay. Let’s draw the first name from the hat.’
One of the tech guys started rapping a desk as a makeshift drum roll. Jelena pulled out a scrap of paper with a flourish.<
br />
‘And our first extremely lucky candidate is …’ She paused for effect.
I felt as nervous as if I’d put my own name in for selection. I’d be working intensively with these three people for the next few weeks. I hoped they were people I would be able to build a strong rapport with.
‘Chloe Butler!’ Jelena cried.
I quickly forced a huge smile onto my face as the camera focused back on me. ‘Congratulations, Chloe! I can’t wait to work with you,’ I said, hoping my momentary apprehension hadn’t been apparent.
Chloe Butler? This was going to be more than a challenge. Chloe, also known as Crazy Chloe, had been on the dating blacklist ever since her break-up with her boyfriend Max at the end of Year Nine. Max had ended things with Chloe so he could date a younger woman (i.e. a girl from Year Eight) and Chloe had gone slightly askew with grief over the betrayal. We’d been reading Virgil’s Aeneid in English class at the time, and Chloe had found a historical kindred spirit in the wronged Queen Dido, whom Aeneas abandoned after totally making out that their relationship was on during a pit stop in her city of Carthage. In my opinion, Aeneas was the equivalent of a philandering naval officer today. He’d probably had a queen in every port.
Anyway, two days after the break-up, Chloe built a Dido-esque funeral pyre in the middle of the sports oval, underneath a gum tree. She’d gathered as many of Max’s belongings as she could (sweaters left at her place, sports shoes and socks stolen from his gym locker, all the gifts he’d given her during their one-year relationship), piled them up on the oval and set them alight, just as Max and his soccer team came onto the field. Chloe had then climbed the gum tree and made out that she was going to throw herself onto the pyre, just like Dido had.
The act had been more of a cry for help than a serious intention, as Chloe had willingly climbed down once the fire brigade arrived, bursting into tears when she regained the now rather charred ground. It had been over a year since the Dido moment and Chloe had received extensive counselling. However, despite the fact that she was gorgeous, clever and, these days, totally bright and cheery, she hadn’t had a date since.
How to Convince a Boy to Kiss You Page 15