As I headed out into the hall, hoping to make the last ten minutes of history class, I saw glossy oversized campaign posters suspended from the ceiling all along the corridor. They were at least two metres high. I moved closer to get a good look. A shot of Cass and Scott entwined in a passionate embrace made up the top half of the posters; the bottom half was the now infamous shot of Tyler on one knee pleading for Lindsay’s forgiveness. Printed in bold black letters at the bottom of the poster was The Find a Prince/Princess Program™ — it works. Vote Jelena Cantrill for School Captain, with Facebook and Twitter links. The posters hadn’t been here an hour ago — Jelena’s campaign team had obviously been on the job while we were making the announcement.
‘I’m fighting the urge to pull them all down in protest,’ Lindsay said behind me.
I turned around to see her looking extremely unimpressed. She stretched right up on her tiptoes to see if she could reach one of the posters, but it was another handspan above her. The campaign team must have had a ladder.
‘The matchmakees and their dates might have to sign a contract, but Cass and Scott and Tyler and I certainly never okayed the use of our photos for promotional purposes.’ Lindsay leapt for the bottom of the poster with no success. ‘Tyler’s hiding out in the sick bay. The soccer team nearly fell down laughing when they walked along here half an hour ago. Apparently every time Tyler tried to score a goal during practice, the goalie sunk down on one knee. After about the fourth time, Tyler got so angry that he kicked the ball too hard, tripped and fell flat on his face. He came limping into the library ten minutes ago, covered in dirt and totally furious at me.’
‘Why is he angry with you?’
‘He thinks because Jelena’s my friend that I’m somehow responsible.’ Lindsay rolled her eyes. ‘He asked me if I was letting her embarrass him in public as some way of getting even with him for the dumping thing.’
‘What?’ That was a really jerky thing for him to assume. ‘You’re not like that.’
‘Exactly!’ Lindsay said. ‘Even after everything I went through in the break-up, I’d never do something like this! You’d think he’d know me well enough that he’d have a little faith in me. But then, after three years of knowing him, did I ever suspect he’d break up with me out of the blue? No. I don’t know anything any more.’
We both fell silent. It was hard to know what to say. I’d thought that when Tyler and Lindsay got back together, things would be okay again. But I was beginning to understand that something very precious had been smashed when Tyler ended things on a whim. Although they’d put their relationship back together, the cracks from that experience would always be there.
‘I need to keep a closer eye on Jelena,’ Lindsay said, frowning up at the poster. ‘If this type of thing keeps happening, Tyler and I are going to be finished.’
‘Why don’t you join the campaign?’ I suggested. ‘Then you’ll be in on the marketing plans. No more two-metre-high surprises.’
Lindsay looked wary. ‘I don’t know if I want to be under Jelena’s command. There’s close and then there’s too close. Have you seen some of her campaign team? Sheree’s developed an eye tic from stress.’ She suddenly brightened. ‘Why don’t I help you with the matchmakees? I’ll tell Jelena it’s in exchange for leaving Tyler and me out of her campaign from now on.’
I was stoked to have her on board. ‘I’d love the help. It’s a bit daunting playing Cupid on my own.’
‘Settled.’ Lindsay gave me a hug. ‘Plus, I get to pay you back for all the support you gave me during the break-up.’
‘More than pay me back. We’ve got some serious challenges ahead with our candidates,’ I replied with a laugh.
‘I still can’t believe Jeffrey’s name was chosen. Do you remember how shocked you were — we all were — when we thought he was your secret admirer? Jelena was nearly in hysterics.’ Lindsay looked guilty. ‘I shouldn’t say that, it’s kind of mean.’
I sighed. ‘No, it’s the truth. None of the girls see him as dating material. As do none of the guys when it comes to Chloe. And Sara doesn’t even want to date.’
‘What?’ Lindsay said.
Sara not wanting to date was like a dog not wanting to go for a walk. It seemed against nature.
‘I’ll explain later,’ I said as the bell rang for our next class.
‘So where do we start with the set-ups?’ Lindsay asked as we hurried down the corridor.
‘I need to meet with each of the matchmakees this week. Well, Chloe and Jeffrey. We already know what makes Sara tick. Actually, I really reckon that we know better than she does what type of guy would change her world. We just need to bring her round to seeing that nice guys can be a fun choice. With the other two, I want to get a clearer picture of what they’re looking for in a relationship. The questionnaires are great, but I need as much information as possible to ensure I get the best matches for them.’
‘Okay, sounds great,’ Lindsay said. ‘Let me know the time and date of the meetings and I’ll be there taking notes or doing whatever else you need.’
She gave me a wave as she headed into chemistry.
‘I want her to be bootylicious,’ Jeffrey Clark said, beaming across the table at me as he described his perfect woman.
Jeffrey had been like an eight-week-old puppy after the announcement. He’d bounded over to me the moment I’d arrived at English class. If he’d had a tail, he would have wagged it. He’d begged me to start the search for his Potential Princess that very second, but I’d managed to persuade him to wait until Tuesday afternoon. We met at the picnic tables near the fountain after last bell. Fortunately Lindsay had a free afternoon and joined us with her laptop so she could take notes.
‘That’s the first quality you look for in a woman? Bootyliciousness?’ I asked, stunned. I knew boys generally rated attractiveness higher on the scale of importance than women did, but still. We weren’t casting for a rap video here.
Jeffrey took in Lindsay’s and my displeased expressions. ‘Uh-oh, you think I’m just talking about jelly.’
‘What?!’ We both gaped at the word.
‘You know, girl bits.’
Lindsay gave me a panicked glance. Her hand was poised on the top of the laptop, like she wanted to slam it shut and run home.
‘Jeffrey, a woman doesn’t really like her body parts being compared with dessert,’ I said, trying to be firm without showing I was mentally freaking out at the likelihood of him dropping that term on a date. ‘It’s disrespectful. Yes, the word “jelly” may have featured in a very popular Destiny’s Child song, but you’ll find it doesn’t cross over into real life. Totally not PC. Best not to mention it to any of your dates.’
‘Or to any woman hereafter,’ Lindsay added with emphasis.
Jeffrey looked highly amused. ‘You ladies have got it allll wrong. Bootylicious is like Beyoncé-ish. You know, a woman thinking she’s all fine.’
He re-enacted Beyoncé’s hair swing from ‘Crazy in Love’. This was getting more confusing by the minute.
‘You want a woman who’s highly confident about her looks?’ I asked.
Jeffrey shook his head. ‘Ladies, this ain’t about looks. Sheesh! I’m king of the nudie runs — I’m all about freedom from image-consciousness.’
‘Mmm-hmm.’ Lindsay raised an eyebrow without looking up from her computer. She was typing furiously. Likely noting that Jeffrey needed someone who wasn’t offended easily.
‘I want a lady who knows she’s all that,’ Jeffrey explained. ‘Confidence is like the sexiest thing. You know the girls who are rocking it when they walk in the school gate. But she can’t be arrogant.’
‘Confident, but not arrogant?’ I said. That was a fine line in high school.
‘I like nice girls,’ Jeffrey said. ‘But they need to be bold enough to tell me if I cross the line. I keep going on these dates and apparently saying something wrong, but the girls never tell me what. Instead they go all silent. Then they refuse a second date and I never know wh
y. Women need to be straight up, like you two just were. I’d never have known about the bootylicious thing otherwise.’
I nodded. ‘Okay. I’m getting a picture here. You want someone assertive who’s not afraid to tell you what’s okay and what’s not. I’m assuming you want someone funny?’
‘Yeah. I guess.’ He sounded unsure.
‘You’re not looking for humorous?’ I said, shocked. This was Jeffrey we were talking about here. His life was humour.
Lindsay stopped typing and looked up at us.
‘I don’t know.’ Jeffrey’s face was serious. ‘Girls are always telling me, “Oh, you’re so funny,” but they never want to go on a second date. When I asked out Tess from maths, she started laughing because she thought I was having her on.’ Jeffrey looked hurt. ‘Aurora, I’m used to people falling over laughing at my jokes, but when it comes to that special girl, I want her to fall for me. Basically, I need you to make me Ryan Gosling instead of Jonah Hill.’
I saw the edges of Lindsay’s mouth twitch as she held back her laughter.
‘Ryan Gosling is …’ I tried to think of a nicer word for ‘unattainable’. We had to be realistic.
Jeffrey whipped his shirt above his head. ‘I reckon I could get the abs. I’m lean, but that’s good, right? It means if I get muscles, they’ll pop out real good.’
Lindsay and I both stared at Jeffrey’s very un-Ryan-like chest. So did a group of girls coming from netball practice, who were smothering laughter. I reached over the table and yanked down Jeffrey’s shirt.
‘Women like funny,’ I said, in what I hoped was an encouraging voice. ‘Sure, they talk about guys like Ryan Gosling, but in real life he’d be way too brooding. We don’t want you pretending to be someone you’re not. You’re a humorous guy. We’ve just got to show your dates that you have a serious side too.’
Jeffrey smiled back happily. ‘I guess that saves me time at the gym.’
‘Physical characteristics of your ideal match?’ I asked, before Lindsay lost her composure.
‘I like blondes,’ Jeffrey said. ‘You know, cute, kinda like Emma Stone. Or those models from Victoria’s Secret. Their curves are like kapow!’ Jeffrey pretended he had whiplash.
‘Why do men always think they’re going to land a Victoria’s Secret model?’ Lindsay said. ‘I hate those parades.’
‘Hey, if Tyler’s making you feel like you’re lacking, you should know you’re not,’ Jeffrey told her. ‘You’d fill out those bras without any fillet things.’ He took in her shocked expression. ‘I don’t mean that in a sleazy way, I mean it in a you-should-have-confidence way — oh crap. Aurora, that’s the look I get on my dates!’
‘You weren’t lying when you said our candidates would prove to be a challenge,’ Lindsay said wryly after we’d finished Jeffrey’s assessment. She pushed the laptop over to me so I could read the notes from the session.
‘He’s completely inappropriate at times, I know,’ I said as I scrolled down the list of characteristics desired by Jeffrey. ‘But he’s sweet too. He’s obviously super keen for a real relationship. I felt sad for him when he told us about Tess’s rejection — he looked genuinely cut up about it. I think he’s just watched too many gross-out comedies over the years so his sense of male–female relations is slightly skewed. If we can get him to improve his filter, he’ll start having better luck.’
Lindsay didn’t look totally convinced, but she nodded.
I looked at my watch. ‘Oops! We’d better dash to meet Chloe.’
Chloe had added me on Facebook after the announcement, and had private-messaged me asking if we could meet at the coffee shop just round the corner from school at 4 pm. When Lindsay and I walked in, Chloe was in one of the booths, focused on a textbook.
‘Hey,’ she said, taking off her reading glasses.
I was always amazed by Chloe’s eyes. They were like the violets in Mr Paris’s garden.
‘Hey, Chloe,’ I said. ‘This is Lindsay. She’s my assistant on the Find a Prince/Princess Program™.’
Chloe smiled at Lindsay. ‘We don’t have classes together, but I know you. I felt a bit of a connection with you during the whole Tyler thing. Sorry if that seems too personal.’
‘Believe me, I’d rather people talk to me about it in person than behind my back,’ Lindsay said. ‘I got really tired of the whispers.’
She slid into the booth opposite Chloe, leaving enough room for me to slide in next to her.
‘At least the whispers were sympathetic,’ Chloe said. ‘The whispers about me cast me in the same light as that movie Carrie. Which I totally get — I do regret the decision to turn arsonist. I can’t really explain it. The pain of the break-up was so bad that I kind of lost control of my own actions. I remember reading Emily Dickinson a couple of months later and she had this line: “Parting is all we need of hell” — that’s the closest description I’ve ever found for what I went through.’
Turning to poetry for solace — Chloe was a girl after my own heart.
‘I almost slashed Tyler’s BMX tyres the day after he dumped me,’ Lindsay said, letting out a giggle. ‘It’s kind of normal to slightly lose the plot. I know a lot of girls at school have fantasised about doing just the sort of thing you did. You were kind of an unofficial antihero.’
Chloe’s eyes became less intense and she let out a laugh. ‘I should have got a superhero T-shirt. Aurora, honestly, do you actually think I can take part in this program? I’m wondering if I should bow out gracefully. I don’t want you to have to bribe boys to take me out. That’d be mortifying.’
‘The incident was over a year ago,’ I said. ‘That’s light years in teen time.’
‘Yeah, no-one’s discussing the whole Alex-betraying-Jelena thing any more and that was only a few weeks ago,’ Lindsay assured her.
‘I’m sure everyone’s forgotten about it,’ I said.
Sure, that was stretching the truth, but the more we focused on improving Chloe’s situation instead of dwelling on the past, the better.
‘I’d hoped so too,’ Chloe said. ‘But when my name was announced, the boys in my ancient history class literally gasped in horror. I swear the guy next to me pulled his chair as far from mine as you could get. And someone shouted that they were going to get their name removed from the program.’
‘That’s horrible,’ Lindsay said, looking disgusted. ‘I’m so lucky I never had to deal with that when I was single.’
‘That’s ’cause people saw you as the wronged party,’ Chloe said. ‘They saw me that way at first, until the bonfire. Then they felt sorry for Max. You know how popular he is.’
‘Only with the boys,’ I reminded her.
Max had insensitively dumped about five other girls since he’d ended it with Chloe. He’d had to start dating girls from other schools because the female population of Jefferson didn’t want to be his next conquest.
‘Mmm.’ Chloe’s violet eyes had become the deepest purple-blue, like a stormcloud.
‘Chloe, you can’t let the incident define you,’ I said in my most encouraging voice. ‘I know you retreated into books, but it’s time to get back out there. You’ve got a ton of things going for you — you’re so smart you’ll get into any university of your choice come graduation, you’re as gorgeous as Elizabeth Taylor in Cleopatra —’
‘Totally.’ Lindsay nodded furiously. ‘Richard Burton married her twice he was so enraptured. He had no problem with a passionate woman.’
‘Lindsay’s right,’ I said. ‘Yes, you took your emotions too far on one occasion, but there’s nothing wrong with being a passionate woman. You’re a person who cares deeply about things and you shouldn’t be ashamed of that.’
Come to think of it, Chloe was very much like Marianne in Sense and Sensibility. Marianne had almost died of a broken heart after that cad Willoughby betrayed her. I was beginning to see that in some unfortunate cases, first love took a huge toll.
‘You have so much love to give,’ I said. ‘What Max f
ound too much, someone else will see as an amazing gift.’
‘Don’t let Max win!’ Lindsay said loudly as our coffees arrived. She thumped her fist on the table to emphasise her point.
‘Okay, okay.’ Chloe laughed as the waitress uneasily backed away from our table. ‘I’ll dip my toe in the dating pool, but on one condition. I only want you to set me up with guys who are emotionally intense. I want someone with depth who can understand what I’ve been through. Max made me realise that guys who are sensible about love are generally incapable of it.’
‘Of course,’ I said. I could understand where she was coming from. Plus, I could see that from a guy’s point of view, you’d have to be pretty intense to handle staring into Chloe’s eyes for extensive periods of time. There was a lot going on under their violet surface.
‘Emotional yet still masculine,’ Chloe added. ‘I want to feel protected from the world when I’m with him.’
Hmmm, a guy who was into the gym but could still do D&Ms. I didn’t want to stereotype, but that was getting tricky.
‘He must be artistic in some way too,’ Chloe continued. ‘Some of the world’s most powerful poetry, art and music have come out of deep suffering. Think Van Gogh or Edvard Munch. I want to be able to take my date to the theatre, switch on a symphony on the iPod or visit an art gallery and know that he’s experiencing the same rapture that I feel.’
I was beginning to build a picture of her ideal man. He was a little like Hugh Jackman in Kate & Leopold — slightly not of this era.
‘That sounds like Hayden,’ Lindsay said. ‘He sent Aurora poetry when he was wooing her.’
Chloe smiled at me. ‘Hopefully you haven’t nabbed the only one out there.’
‘No, no way,’ I said. There had to be some art or music lovers with passionate temperaments at Jefferson.
‘And I want him to have an impulsive side,’ Chloe added enthusiastically. ‘Max hated spontaneity — except for when it came to dumping me. I want someone who, instead of complaining about the rain when we come out of the movies, sweeps me up in his arms and kisses me while the raindrops fall around us.’
How to Convince a Boy to Kiss You Page 17