Julie eventually confessed her feelings to Madge and Catriona. For years, pride had forced her to put on a brave front and continue with her usual perky, ‘Sure, I’m OK’ attitude.
They lavished sympathy and support on her. But there was nothing practical they could do. They had even clubbed together to help her pay to hire a private detective for a short time – too short, as it turned out. There had been a few rays of hope from him over the long months but nothing came of it in the end. He’d never even found out the address of the foster parents the baby had been given to for the first six weeks of her life. He’d need a lot more time. Or so he said. Everyone said the chances were the detective was angling for more money. But the money had soon run out and Julie could not bring herself to accept another penny from Madge and Catriona. She felt guilty and ashamed enough as it was for accepting so much already.
‘Some help you are, as usual,’ Madge told Alec.
As it turned out, Alec was the one that might prove to be the most helpful of them all.
‘You know how Sammy’s in the Red Cross now?’ he said to Julie. ‘Well, among other things, he’s had to do nursing training in hospital. He’s been to the Royal. Now he’s doing a stint at Rottenrow. Wasn’t that where they took you?’
Flushed with sudden, painful hope, Julie nodded.
‘Well, I was thinking …’
Before Alec could say anything else, Madge bawled, ‘You never think. You just open your big mouth and put your foot in it. It was nearly thirteen years ago. What could Sammy or anybody else possibly do now? We’ve all been trying for months. Julie’s been trying for years.’
‘No, Madge,’ Julie pleaded. ‘Let him go on.’
‘I just don’t want your hopes to be raised, hen, just to be disappointed again. You know what it’s been like. And I know how you’ve suffered.’
‘I was thinking,’ Alec tried again. ‘There’s always a weak link …’
‘Aye, you’re a weak link,’ Madge said.
‘And in this case the weak link might be the nurse.’
‘The nurse?’ Julie echoed faintly.
‘The nurse who took the baby away.’
‘Yes, but … I don’t get you, Alec.’
‘Aye, and you’re lucky you haven’t got him, believe me.’
‘There was more than one nurse,’ Julie said. ‘I mean, there were different shifts of nurses attending the wards during the time I was in there.’
‘Yes, but that particular one. Do you remember her?’
Julie hesitated. All her attention had been on the baby, not the nurse. And it was so long ago.
‘I think so. But why do you ask?’
‘Well, she must have met the couple who have your wee girl. They’ll have come to the hospital to collect her and that nurse …’
‘Oh yes,’ Julie cried out, crimson now with excitement. ‘You’re right, Alec. Why didn’t the detective think of that? Oh, thank you, Alec.’
Madge cut in. ‘Now, just a minute, hen. Even if what he says is true, it’s thirteen years ago. That nurse is probably dead by now or married with a family of her own, living dear knows where. She could have emigrated for all you know and, even if by some miracle you find her, do you think she’d remember every patient or one baby among the thousands that’s gone through her hands? And, even if she did remember, do you think she’d tell you anything? She’d be breaking the law for a start. See him and his mad ideas! I could murder the silly ass.’
‘I was only trying to help, Madge. And if Sammy agrees to help as well, he’s in a better situation than any of us.’
‘Alec’s right,’ Julie said. ‘Oh, Madge, it’s worth a try. Have you asked Sammy, Alec?’
‘No, I thought I’d speak to you first. Even though he’s always known about what happened. Anyway, I don’t see him as often as I used to since his mother moved in with him. There was a time when he used to come here for his tea quite a lot but he doesn’t like leaving his mother and she always has his tea ready for him.’
‘Don’t worry, Alec. I’ll talk to him myself.’
‘I hope I haven’t raised your hopes too much, Julie. As Madge says, it would be a bit of a miracle if anything comes of it. But it just occurred to me that, if anything or anybody’s going to be able to help you in all this, it might just be that nurse.’
‘You’re right, Alec. You’re right,’ Julie said. ‘And it’s definitely worth a try. It’s very kind of you to think about me and try to help me like this.’
‘Listen,’ Madge said, ‘you’d better watch yourself, hen. I know his way of helping women. He helped Catriona, I remember.’
‘For God’s sake, Madge,’ Alec growled, ‘will you never forget that?’
‘No, I will not, so just you watch it. I’m keeping an eye on you, remember.’
Julie laughed. ‘Oh, Madge, I feel really cheered up. Don’t be angry with Alec.’
‘Aye, he’s good at cheering the girls up.’
‘I’m good at cheering you up.’ In a sudden switch to his normal good humour – Alec could never be serious for long – he grabbed Madge and began tickling her. She screeched and tried to push him away but she was in good spirits now as well. Eventually, having succeeded in fighting him off, she said breathlessly, ‘See that big midden, one of these days I’ll give him a right doin’.’
Lighting a cigarette, his eyes at their sexiest, Alec groaned, ‘I can’t wait. Make it soon!’
Madge rolled her eyes but she laughed and so did Julie. Then, turning serious again, Julie said, ‘I think I’ll walk down the road and go and see Sammy tonight. Right now, in fact. It’ll save me having to travel from the Gorbals to Springburn.’
‘Aye, OK, hen. But try not to get your hopes up too much.’
‘Madge’s right, Julie. There’s another thing – you never know with Sammy …’
Julie looked puzzled. ‘How do you mean? I’ve known him for years.’
‘Well, you know what he’s like. He has a knack of making life complicated at times when he thinks he’s just being straightforward. What do you bet he’ll think about the couple who have adopted your wee girl, as well as about you? And what’s best for the wean?’ He cast his eyes heavenwards. ‘God, the more I think of Sammy, the more I think I shouldn’t have said anything to you.’
‘Now he worries,’ Madge said. ‘When it’s too late and the damage has been done. That’s so like him, the stupid big midden.’
‘It’s all right, Madge. I can cope with Sammy. And I still say it’s worth a try. I’m glad you told me what you thought, Alec. I really am. Even if nothing comes of it.’
Before leaving, she hugged and kissed Madge and blew a kiss to Alec.
‘Watch it, you,’ Madge warned but pleasantly.
Julie hurried down the stone stairs, stiletto heels making a fast, echoing tattoo. Out in the street, she turned to give her usual wave up at Madge’s window. Then along Broomknowes Road, round the corner, past the Co-op grocery and across the road at the Wellfield school. Down the hill now, all the time concentrating and praying that Sammy would be on her side and would agree to try his best to help her. She knew exactly what Alec meant. She liked Sammy very much but he could be very awkward at times. Look how he’d been during the war. And his father a sergeant major and a real patriotic type as well. She fleetingly wondered why his mother had left the old man and was now living with Sammy. She’d heard rumours right enough – but surely they couldn’t be true – about the old man burying a dog alive. The old man had maintained that the dog was ill and he’d believed it to be dead when he’d buried it. Sammy couldn’t have believed him. That must be why he had taken his mother to live in Springburn Road with him.
The old man was a respected member of the Masons and very well thought of by outsiders. He’d always been very polite when he’d passed her in the street, lifting his hat and saying good afternoon or good evening. But she had never liked the sound of his voice. It had a coarse, gravelly edge to it as if he needed to,
or was about to, spit.
She didn’t hesitate when she reached Sammy’s close. She hurried through the shadowy tunnel, which smelled of cats’ urine, and up the stairs. It was Sammy who opened the door. He looked surprised. She’d never appeared at his door before. Quickly he recovered and asked her in. The flat was spotlessly clean, cosy and attractive. Sammy’s elderly mother was fussing with pots at the cooker.
‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ Julie said. ‘I’ve come in the middle of your meal.’
‘No, no, dear,’ Mrs Hunter said. ‘This is soup and stew I’m making for tomorrow. I like to have as much as I can done in advance. Tomorrow I’ll just have to prepare the potatoes and vegetables and the pudding.’
Sammy laughed. ‘You’d think she was feeding the whole of Springburn. I’ll be getting as fat as a beer barrel.’
‘It was just something I wanted to talk to you about, Sammy. I wondered, you see, if you could help me.’
‘Sure,’ Sammy said, ‘if there’s anything I can do, you only have to ask. Now, why don’t you sit yourself down and tell me all about it. Any chance of a cup of tea, Ma?’
‘Of course, son. Of course.’ Mrs Hunter happily bustled over to the sink and filled the kettle.
20
‘Have you thought this through?’ Sammy asked.
‘For years. I’ve been thinking about it for years. Deep down, I’ve never stopped thinking about it.’
Mrs Hunter said, ‘You poor thing.’ It was about the third or fourth time she’d repeated it.
Julie paid no attention to her. She was concentrating on Sammy’s worried stare. ‘It’s not that I’d try to take her back. I know I’d have no legal right to do that. I just want to see her and make sure she’s all right, that she’s well and happy. Right from the moment she was born, Sammy, I’ve only wanted what’s best for her.’
There was silence for a long minute, broken eventually by Mrs Hunter getting up and fetching the teapot. ‘Have another cup, dear.’
Then Sammy said, ‘I can’t really see how I could be of any help, Julie.’
‘Doesn’t the Red Cross do things like that? Find people? You’re working in the hospital. You could enquire about that nurse. If she’s still there or, if not, find out where she is. I could take over then. I could talk to her.’ Julie thought it safer not to say that he might be in a position to get access to records.
‘It’s a long time ago, Julie. She could be long retired. Dead even.’
‘No, no, she was just a young woman. I can remember her. Her name was Webster. Nurse Webster. She was just a girl. Only in her early twenties at most. There’s a very good chance she’s still there. If she was in her early twenties she’ll just be in her thirties now.’
‘If she married, she won’t be there and she’ll have a different name.’
‘Oh please, at least try, Sammy. I can’t bear to go on like this for the rest of my life. I can’t bear it.’
‘You poor thing. Drink your tea, dear.’
‘Please, Sammy.’
‘All right, Julie. I’ll do what I can but it’s better not to get your hopes up. At the moment I can’t really see …’
‘Oh thank you, Sammy.’ She lunged over at him, flung her arms around his neck and caused his cup and saucer to fly from his hand.
‘Oh, I’m so sorry.’ She withdrew, flushing bright scarlet with embarrassment. It was unlike her to be so demonstrative or indeed to show her feelings at all.
Sammy laughed. ‘Never mind the dishes. You’re welcome to hug me again if you like!’
‘It’s all right, dear.’ Mrs Hunter retrieved the cup and saucer from the floor. ‘Nothing’s broken.’
‘I’m so sorry. I’ve been an awful nuisance. Coming so late. Bothering you like this.’
Sammy got to his feet. ‘Nonsense. You’re welcome any time. Isn’t she, Ma?’
‘Of course, dear. Of course.’
‘Come on. I’ll see you home.’
‘No, no, Sammy. I can’t allow you to go all the way to the Gorbals and back.’
‘Just do as you’re told and get your coat on. I’m not letting you trail away down to the Gorbals by yourself.’
‘It’s really very kind of you.’
‘Here you are.’ He helped her into her coat.
‘Thank you.’ Then, remembering Mrs Hunter, she turned to the old woman, hesitated and then went over to kiss the loose parchment cheek. ‘You’ve been very kind. Thank you.’
Mrs Hunter looked pleased. ‘Come again, dear. Any time. I’d be glad of the company.’
On the way home with Sammy by her side, Julie was desperately trying to swim through a stormy sea of emotion. Excitement frothed to the surface. She was going to be reunited with her daughter. Despite Sammy’s doubts, she felt sure it was going to happen. It must happen. And, if anyone could make it happen, it would be Sammy. Everyone knew what a determined character he was and always had been. Once he made up his mind to do something – from refusing to put on an army uniform to helping the Quakers in their work with violent prisoners in Barlinnie Prison – he never gave up. Never accepted defeat. He kept doggedly on. That’s what he’d do until he found Nurse Webster. Julie felt sure of it.
They chatted about this and that on the way to Gorbals Cross. His work at McHendry’s. Her work at Copeland & Lye’s. Their friendship with Madge and Alec Jackson. How the Jackson offspring were doing. The twins were at the Glasgow Art School and shocking Madge but delighting Alec with their nude drawings.
Sammy laughed. ‘They wanted me to volunteer to be a male model in my spare time. Apparently they’re short of men in the Art School. I turned them down. I’m not the right shape, I told them.’
It occurred to Julie then that, in fact, he was in very good shape.
‘Didn’t Catriona tell me that her Andrew had seen you at karate?’
‘Sitting in an office all day can make you stiffen up if you’re not careful. One of the clerks persuaded me to go along for a few lessons. He’s a bit of a keep-fit fanatic.’
‘I was quite surprised.’
‘Why?’
She shrugged. ‘It’s not the kind of sport I’d expect you to take up.’
‘What did you think I’d be more likely to take up? Tiddlywinks?’
She laughed. ‘Not exactly. But you being a pacifist and a Quaker and all that …’
‘Being a pacifist doesn’t mean I have to be gutless. In the First World War, they shot conscientious objectors. They knew they were going to be killed but it didn’t frighten them into changing their beliefs. It was the same with the Quakers in the old days. They were persecuted for having the courage to uphold their beliefs. They suffered worse deaths than anyone in any war. It would make your hair stand on end if I told you some of the terrible things they had to suffer. And just for speaking out against the injustices of the time. Not being violent about anything. Just for speaking the truth as they saw it. Man’s inhumanity to man, as Burns said, makes countless thousands mourn!’
Julie didn’t know what to say to that and so didn’t say anything. In silence they reached her close.
‘Here you are.’ Sammy smiled down at her. ‘Delivered safe and sound.’
‘Thank you, Sammy. I really appreciate what you’re doing for me.’
‘I haven’t done anything yet – except see you home.’
‘You know what I mean.’ Impulsively she reached up to kiss his cheek but somehow their lips met. She was astonished at the floodgates of passion that immediately opened up. The shock of it made her turn and run through the shadowy close and up the stairs. Once safely in the house, she leaned against the door, breathless, heart racing. After all the excitement of what Alec had said to raise her hopes and then of Sammy agreeing to help, this new and unexpected emotion was too much.
It brought back painful memories long since locked away and forgotten. Or so she’d thought. She remembered the sexual passion she’d felt with her husband. It was so long ago now. She’d thought she’d never feel any
thing like it again. She didn’t want to. She belonged to Reggie and always would. That’s what she’d believed.
Suddenly, it all came back to her now and she wept. All the claustrophobic years with Reggie’s mother weighed unbearably down on her. She and Reggie’s mother had never let Reggie go. They shared him in a secret, private world they’d created. They kept him as a real but invisible presence between them, carefully cherishing his memory.
Now she didn’t know what to think. She went to the front-room window and stood half-hidden by the curtains, staring out at the street below. At first she didn’t see Sammy. Then she caught sight of the stocky figure striding away into the distance.
She’d known Sammy Hunter for years. Why should she suddenly feel like this about him? She could only think that, with one thing and another today, she’d just got herself into an emotional state. She began to feel acutely embarrassed. How could she face him again? What must he think of her? But then, he probably hadn’t thought or felt anything unusual about the kissing incident. As for her racing away from him, what of that? It was late and she had reached home. He wouldn’t have expected her to hang about in the draughty close chatting to him. They had been chatting all the way from Springburn. No, it was perfectly all right. She dried the tears from her face, went through to the kitchen and put the kettle on. She made a cup of Horlick’s and took two aspirins to help her to go to sleep.
She was all right the next day. Copeland’s was busier than usual, so busy, in fact, that she was run off her feet. She was quite glad in a way that she had promised to visit Mrs Vincent after work. Her mother-in-law would have a delicious tea ready for her. Better that than having to go back to the Gorbals and start cooking a meal for herself. Then having to do the washing up. Even the thought exhausted her.
It was only when she reached Botanic Crescent and saw Mrs Vincent glued eagerly to the window as usual and giving her usual delighted wave of expectancy that the depression and the claustrophobia returned.
The New Breadmakers Page 13