by Nancy DeRosa
Penny blurted out, “What I was expecting with the way you carried on, you should see me without my support hose and lift up bra. I think you look great.”
“Mm. I’ve had four children, all C sections.”
“Four kids? Get out. You have got to be kidding me.”
“They were well worth every stretch mark, sagging skin,” Mrs Somers announced proudly. “And they are so worth the fight to get well again. They can’t lose me, not yet. I still have more work ahead of me.”
Steering Mrs Somers into the warm shower, Penny thought that indeed Mrs Somers did look wonderful, despite her cancer, despite carrying four babies to term, and most of all despite the cuts and bruises one gets along the way on life’s difficult path.
She handed Mrs Somers a washcloth; she had such a strong impulse to hug her. She wished that Mrs Somers could see how beautiful she was as she stood under the spray of water. If she could take a picture of her beauty and capture it she would, but she knew it would be hard to describe it to another. She handed Mrs Somers the soap; and before she took it, Penny gave her hand a gentle squeeze. It was all she could think of to show her she cared.
“Thank you,” Mrs Somers said.
“Any time,” Penny replied.
Chapter 22
The phone rang just as she arrived home that night. She ran to get it and almost tripped over Bob.
“Sorry baby,” she called as she lunged for the receiver.
“Hi Pen,” her father said just as the receiver reached her ear.
She felt a quick clench of sadness grip her heart. She put her other hand to her chest. “Hey Dad,” she replied tentatively. “What’s up?”
“What the hell happened yesterday?”
“You don’t mince words,” she said in surprise.
“Mince words? Penny, I’m really disappointed in you. You come late to the church yesterday, and then to top it off, you just take off and don’t come to your brother’s luncheon. You didn’t even seem to care about your nephews, who by the way, you’re supposed to be crazy about. What is going on with you?” Ron’s voice was rising at a most alarming rate.
Penny was reeling; she had never heard him so angry. This onslaught of words was quite unlike her father. She began slowly. “Dad… you and I have always had a pretty good relationship in spite of Mom. I’m trying to forgive you for not supporting me when I needed you… you’re human, and God knows I’ve been blind to a lot of things myself,” she took a deep breath to continue, “but I’m not blind anymore. Until your wife can treat me with the respect I deserve, I will always walk away. I’ve finally realized that no-one can protect me better than myself.”
“But it was an important day for the family and you.”
“I was there and I was prepared to go to the lunch afterwards but Mom can’t undo me any longer, Dad. I can’t afford to be undone. Sorry, but that’s the way it is.”
“Penny… I just don’t understand what’s happening to you.”
“Alright then, maybe you will understand this.” Her voice rose. “I’m as wonderful as Charlene, Steve, and Louis, you so need to know that. I really have to go. I’ll see you.” Before she realized what she was doing, she slammed the receiver down.
She couldn’t believe she just hung up on her Dad.
Winston and Bob were staring at her, heads tilted quizzically. Kneeling down, she stroked both of their heads. “It’s okay guys. I’m fine. I’ve only just totally lost my mind and I’m probably having a nervous breakdown, but don’t worry, I promise to find someone in the family to look after you.” She realized she was making empty promises to her pets, because she doubted she would have a family left after this evening.
The phone rang again. She gingerly picked up the phone and said hastily, “Look Dad, I’m sorry I hung up on—”
Her neighbor Sarah broke in, “Look if you’re going to make some freaky confession or something, stop now, I’m not your Dad.”
Nervous laughter. “Oh no, I was just going to tell him something really silly.” She stopped there before she made an even bigger fool of herself.
“Well, whatever,” Sarah bubbled. “The reason I’m calling you is I have that blind date set up for you. You remember? His name is James Normen and he’s looking to do it next Thursday. That is, of course, if you’re free and that works for you.”
“Blind date?” Oh yeah; Sarah had wanted to set her up with a guy when they had walked a few weeks ago. She was shocked that Sarah had actually followed through.
“I hope Thursday works for you.”
Say no, that does not work for you, she told herself, you don’t want to do this. “Sure, Thursday’s perfect.”
“Great, say around seven at Park Place? They have great fish.”
“I love fish and I would love to try Park Place. I’ll be there. What’s his name?”
“I just told you, James. James Norman, remember?”
“Oh yes, James,” Penny repeated nervously. “I appreciate this Sarah, I’ll see you Thursday.”
“On Thursday, me? Oh, no, I won’t be there. It’s just going to be the two of you. Mike and I have a family engagement. James is really looking forward to meeting you though and he’ll be calling you later in the week to confirm.”
How can I get out of this now? she asked herself as panic took hold. Beads of sweat began to form on her upper lip. This night has been too much for my already frayed nerves. She gripped the phone and asked weakly, “You’re not coming? How awkward. How will I know who he is? I don’t know anything about him.”
Sarah laughed, “He knows you. I showed him a picture that I had of you standing in the snow with the dogs last Christmas. Remember?”
She thought in dismay, Oh yes, I remember. I was in the awful bulky white coat that I wear when it snows. “Great, I look like a big white snowball in that photo. James has guts, I will say.”
“Oh stop that, you looked great. Good luck and let me know how it goes. He has a great sense of humor and he makes a good buck. What more could a girl ask for?”
“Right,” Penny said as she slowly hung up the phone. She looked down at the floor. Bob had crapped on the living room rug again. She could not believe she had missed seeing the big pile of shit until now. She leaned over him. She was just about to raise her voice, but when she looked down at his furry little face she didn’t have the heart. Instead of scolding Bob, she sat down on the floor and took him in her lap. “No-one likes to be yelled at do they?”
The phone rang again but she didn’t rise to answer it. Whoever was calling abruptly hung up before the answering machine went on. She suspected it was her father, or even worse, Dolores. A stab of panic took hold, and she fought the acute sensation of fear.
Leaning against the wall, she thought about her new job to comfort herself. In a way it was odd that an oncology ward should be her “safe place”, but she realized that every day she routinely observed courage and strength. It had galvanised her own desire to fight for what she wanted. Her patients’ battles were much more difficult then her own.
She knew then that she would go on that date and even if it was a disaster, so what? A drink and dinner with a stranger would not scar her for life. If he wasn’t Mr Right, she would just move on to something else, something better, because life was too short not to.
She cleaned up Bob’s crap. If only someone would have thought me worthy when I first started to walk, she thought, then I wouldn’t be wobbling all over the place now.
Chapter 23
Walking into work the next morning, she was exhausted and cranky. She hadn’t slept well; one dream in particular was quite dismal. She had been transformed into a little yellow duck and had lost her place in the line by the pond. The other ducks had ditched her and left her all alone to quack by herself. Great, she thought to herself as she opened her locker at Wayside. That’s a dream to feel really good about.
Alyssa Winkins slapped into the locker room, huffing and out of breath. Penny remembered their
coffee date for later in the week. She perked up instantly and shot Alyssa a grin.
“Hey what’s up?” Alyssa said listlessly. She wasn’t her usual perky self.
“Everything okay?” Penny asked, concerned.
She laughed sheepishly. “I guess I can’t hide my feelings can I? No, everything is not okay.”
“Want to talk about it over coffee? I can meet you today too.”
She looked blank for a moment, then smacked her forehead, “Right, coffee, I had completely forgotten about that. Thursday, right? Yeah… I can meet you in the cafeteria today at 1:30 as well.”
“See you then,” Penny confirmed. Alyssa was already halfway out the door.
Stepping out into the hallway to start her day, Penny ran smack into Dr Bruck. His smile immediately sent her heart pounding.
“In a hurry?” he asked with an amused expression.
“Yeah, um, kind of.” Smooth. She really didn’t want this man to know how much he unnerved her.
“Not many women can look as fresh and beautiful as you do this early in the morning. What’s your secret?” he asked, clasping both hands in front of him. He peered down at her waiting for a reply.
She stammered, “I don’t, I don’t really know how. I don’t feel like I look so good, and actually…” she knew she was beginning to ramble but couldn’t help herself, “I had a couple of bad dreams last night and I tossed and turned.”
“Sounds rough. How about you and I get together and you can tell me all about them?”
Her heart felt as if it was about to burst out of her chest. “Get together?”
He laughed easily. “It’s what people do when they want to get to know one another.”
Her own laugh was nervous and hesitant. “Yes, well, of course I know that, and yes, that’s good, yes.”
Dr Bruck’s pager bleeped, and he began to walk away briskly. “I must go to the ER; we’ll make a plan soon.”
Great timing beeper, she thought with disgust as she watched Dr Bruck turn the corner. But she felt a burst of pleasure, as if a flock of birds were let out in the center of her chest taking flight all at once. She leaned against the nearest wall and gathered her wits. Of course I’m wonderful, so why wouldn’t he want to see me again? Get a grip Penny, she told herself. You have patients to see and you can’t afford another panic attack.
“Hope the wall is doing a good job holding you up,” Reins stated smoothly as she passed Penny in the hallway.
Standing almost to attention, she answered quickly, “No, no, I don’t need the wall. I’m fine, just a little headache is all.” She strode purposely down the hall and started her rounds.
Around the corner, she practically began to skip toward the front desk. It’s a new life and a new day, she told herself, giddy with happiness. If her insides could smile, her whole being would be wearing a grin from ear to ear.
Chapter 24
At 1:30 sharp, she bustled toward to the cafeteria to meet her brand new friend Alyssa. She raked through the topics she might bring up. She wanted to appear as interesting as possible. I was a school nurse for twenty-some odd years and I lived the most boring life possible, she thought with a chuckle. Yeah, that will really spark her interest.
Alyssa was sitting by herself at the far end of the cafeteria. Her head and shoulders were slumped and she was tearing off small pieces of Styrofoam from the top of her cup of coffee. This doesn’t look good, Penny surmised. She rattled her own coffee from the dispenser and settled in the chair opposite.
Alyssa looked up and then slumped down again. She took a sip from her semi-demolished cup.
Penny began to feel uncomfortable. She realized this was not going to be a fun, let’s get to know one another coffee klatch, as she had thought. She did the only thing she could think of: she touched Alyssa’s hand gently and asked, “What’s going on? Maybe you need to talk about it.”
Tears formed in her eyes. “I did a really stupid thing and I should have known better.”
“What did you do?”
“I don’t know if I can trust you.”
“You can trust me, and besides, I don’t know anyone around here anyway.”
Alyssa smiled a bit at that disclosure, then looked away. “I’m ashamed to admit it.”
She hated to admit to herself that her curiosity was getting the better of her. “Come on,” she cajoled, “sometimes it just feels better to let it out in the air.”
“I’ve been sleeping with Bradley Munson and he’s dumped me like a bag of garbage.”
“You mean that little x-ray technician guy who wears the big black glasses?” she asked in astonishment.
“Don’t let his appearance fool you,” she said passionately, leaning forward. “He’s an unbelievable lover. So many women don’t know that about him.” She waved her hands in the air. “I can’t even tell you.”
Penny thought about his pale face, high voice, and skinny body. She was pretty surprised with Alyssa’s disclosure, but kept her opinion to herself.
“Now mind you, I didn’t say I’m having a relationship with that whore of a man, because Bradley does not do relationships. His quest in life is to play video games, hang out with his buddies and surf the Internet. I can’t believe I fell for him but I really thought that he felt differently about me and we had something special.” She smacked her forehead. “I can’t believe how stupid I am. You think I would have learned. I mean, someone like Bruck, a woman knows to stay away from.”
“Bruck? What about Bruck?”
Alyssa’s eyes widened and she put a hand to her mouth, “He got to you already? Don’t get involved with him Penny, you’ll be so sorry.”
“What? What did you say?”
She looked around then whispered conspiratorially, “He’s the biggest womanizer I’ve ever met: goes after every lady in this hospital. He doesn’t care a hoot about anyone but himself. I kid you not.” She held up her hand as if asking for peace. “And that is the absolute scoop on him. If I hadn’t been warned, I would have went off with him in a second. Damn, but he’s a good looking son of a bitch. You can’t take that away from him, but he’s broken so many hearts.”
“I… thought he was one of the good guys.”
She nodded. “Who would have thought? He acts so nice, but he’s as down to earth as a space rocket. Look, I can already tell you’re really into him, but I did you a favor giving you the heads-up on that man.” Lowering her voice Alyssa continued the scoop on Dr Bruck, “From what I hear, a nurse on the maternity ward had a nervous breakdown when he broke up with her.” Looking around to make sure no-one was listening, she added, “She didn’t come to work for over a month and that I can vouch for.”
“Maybe none of the talk is true,” Penny practically pleaded. “He could be a great guy and there may be more to him than that.” She thought of her own mantra that she repeated to herself over and over: I am worth so much more than that. Maybe, she decided, Dr Bruck was too. Perhaps gossip, hearsay, had created assumptions about the man. She knew she had to find that out all on her own.
Putting a hand on top of Penny’s, her new friend quickly interrupted, “Maybe so, but Frannie Felder tells me she had slept with Bruck like three times and just like that, for no reason, he never called again, doesn’t give her the time of day. Now come on Penny, that’s rude.”
“That is pretty rude.”
Sighing loudly she added, “She did say he is unbelievable in the sack. But that doesn’t excuse the fact that he still tries to hit on any woman he can get his hands on. He’s bad news Penny, plain and simple.” Her face turned sad. “But I thought Bradley was different. I really thought we had something and he’s dumped me like an old sack of potatoes.”
Penny conjured up a picture of Bradley Munson and again all she could see was his puny little face and skinny white body. She knew she should never judge a book by its cover, but she had never thought someone like Alyssa could fall for someone like Bradley.
Disappointment wrapp
ed around her like a dark, damp, blanket and it made her chest feel heavy. She thought: How can I be this upset over a bit of gossip concerning a man I barely know? Well okay, Dr Bruck had been her beacon of light when she began the painful process of progression in her life. She had appointed him to be the fantasy man, her ideal male, her anchor in turbulent waters.
Looking down at her hands, she confessed, “Alyssa, I am really attracted to him. Ironically, just a few moments ago, he asked me to get together with him and I floated to the cafeteria on a cloud.” She laughed out loud. “Now I feel like a deflated balloon. I can’t believe I’m telling you this… you must think I’m the biggest idiot…”
It was Alyssa’s turn to laugh. “He’s beautiful and charming, so who could blame you? But you will thank me for filling you in. If you think you feel let down now, just think how you’d have felt if you spent the night with him and then he never called. I just saved you a lot of pain my friend. Besides, I’m the idiot. Who’s the asshole that slept with Bradley? Listen, keep this a secret. If this gets around the hospital I’ll be the laughing stock.”
“I promise I won’t tell a soul. You made a mistake, some men can just get to you. Dr Bruck would have had me before cocktails given the chance.” Penny added softly, “When it comes to guys I don’t have the best judgment and I certainly haven’t been around the block… in fact I’ve barely been off the curb.” She laughed, shocked that she would disclose this to a near stranger; but for some reason it felt good to share this with another woman. Especially a woman who appeared genuinely interested. “As sad as this is to admit, I would not have thought twice about being with Dr Bruck in any capacity he would have had me.”
“He doesn’t have the sense to stay true to someone as nice as you. He’s always looking for another conquest. Who would want to put up with that?”
Penny grinned. “Damn, back to the drawing board! I guess I’ll find someone else to have a crush on, but that could take a while.”