by Nancy DeRosa
“I understand,” Penny said, and she genuinely did.
Mrs Rittin continued, “The only crappy part is watching how hard it is on the people I care about. I look at my family’s faces and I see their anguish. That’s killing me as much as the cancer, I have to tell you. I wish I didn’t have to put them through this. My husband will be lost without me, poor thing. We do everything together.”
Gently, she put her hand on Penny’s arm. “I know it’s an old cliché but I’m going to say it anyway. When your time comes to leave this earth, your world gets smaller and so many parts of life that you thought were so important no longer hold your interest. Your thoughts are only with the people that matter to you. That’s all there is, that’s it.” She snapped her fingers and settled back down in her chair.
“Mrs Rittin, thank-you for reminding me of that. No-one needed to hear that more than me.” Penny was seized by a deep feeling of sadness.
Okay, so she wanted to weave a life with a much richer tapestry, painstakingly sewn with intricate threads of people to love and care for. It was always about that. As she went into the locker room to get her coat, she thought: And that’s why I have alienated pretty much everyone in my life. I’m just doing great, moving along. When I go, probably no-one will care.
Chapter 30
She drove home in deep thought, and prepared for her date. She took great care with her make-up, and slipped on her new brown corduroys and light blue v neck cashmere sweater. She had also purchased a lacy camisole to go under it, and it made Penny feel sexy when she observed the way it peeked out of the sweater. She struggled into her new cowboy boots, and added a spray of perfume and the big gold hoops Theo had given her last Christmas. She checked out her butt in her new pants and decided that it didn’t look that flat at all. I feel really good, she thought, finally satisfied to venture out. She felt a growing excitement: she hadn’t taken such care getting dressed up in a long time.
Driving toward the restaurant, she gave a low whistle. James sure had nice taste in food establishments. Not bad, she thought as she took in the valet parking and the charming wraparound porch that circled a beautiful, massive Victorian home. A burst of colorful mums had been arranged all around the circular porch. Along the sides of the massive staircase, positioned in the middle of the restaurant, were green cabbages in white cement planters with little cherubs carved into them. She smoothed down her hair and pressed her lips together so they wouldn’t appear too glossy. Satisfied with the results, she slipped out of the car to meet her date.
James was waiting for her by the bar holding a Martini in his hand. His dark suit was seriously sharp, and it worked well with the purple silk tie. He had told her he would be wearing purple, but she’d assumed the purple would be on a shirt or a sweater, not on a dressy silk tie coupled with a fancy suit. Her eyes hadn’t adjusted to the darkness, but she could make out that all the waiters wore tuxedos. She felt a wave of panic set in: she wasn’t dressed appropriately for the evening. Quickly scanning the room, she saw women in black evening dresses and pearls, paired off with men in navy or black suits.
Why didn’t he tell me it was so dressy? she asked herself as she watched James quickly approach her. He had stood up from the bar stool the moment she arrived. As he came closer, Penny noticed how handsome and polished he was.
He stood before her with a huge grin. Wow, he was tall. And those were some broad shoulders. His large brown eyes slanted slightly up, giving him an exotic look. The dimple on the left side of his face made him all the more appealing; his smile said sexy but the dimple gave him a boyish appeal.
“Hello Penny,” he said in a deep husky voice as his eyes quickly assessed her. “So, we finally meet. You look so much better in person.”
“You don’t look half bad yourself.”
He stepped in behind her and removed her jacket. “I’m glad you’re not too disappointed. And you smell good too.”
Turning around to look up at his face, she felt warm from the compliment. “Thanks! It’s Shalimar, I’ve been wearing it for years.”
“My Mom wears Shalimar,” James replied with a cheeky smirk.
The warmth turned into a flush of embarrassment. “Oh, well, I think your Mom has good taste…” Her voice trailed off.
He let her off the hook with a laugh, “Of course she does, that’s where I get it from.”
Watching a woman stroll by in a mink wrap, Penny stammered, “I’m not nearly dressed up enough. I didn’t know.”
“Are you kidding? You look perfect.” He handed Penny’s jacket to the coat attendant, took her elbow and gently steered her toward the bar. “What are you drinking? The hostess told me it would be about fifteen minutes before they seat us. I asked for a table beside the fireplace.”
Perching on the barstool, she replied, “Sounds worth the wait. I’ll have a gin and tonic.”
James continued to stand as he ordered. An awkward silence followed, which he promptly filled, “So, let’s get to know one another. What do you like to do in your spare time, any hobbies?”
Penny blanked for a second, as she didn’t have an answer. She didn’t have a hobby, or a passion that she could think of other than trying to get a life. She quickly thought of Bob and Winston. “I like to take my dog for long walks and hang out with my cat Bob. I love animals and if I had a bigger place I would have a little zoo living with me.”
Laughing, James replied, “So we have an animal lover in our midst. I can’t say I share your enthusiasm for them.”
She shrugged; she felt deflated by James’ remark. She asked tentatively, “Did you have any pets growing up?”
“Me? God no, not even a turtle. My parents always said they had no interest in animals. They’d say they slobber, smell, and need all sorts of annoying attention. Just a huge nuisance they said. I must have agreed with them because I never asked for a cat or dog growing up.”
“That’s unusual for a boy,” she said carefully. She was beginning to feel uneasy.
“I even came to despise going over my best friend Owen’s house. I stopped going there because I detested his big, slobbering, smelly, hairy mutt jumping on me every time I walked in.” He shivered at the memory. “The damn hair, it would take my mother days to get it off my clothes.” He emitted a jarring laugh. “Then I’d have to hear her bitch about it.” James laughed at the memory. “After a while she wouldn’t even let me go over there anymore anyway, not that I minded.”
Her sinking feeling had now sunk so low that she had a strong urge to stand up and leave the restaurant. She knew, in that instant, James was not the one for her. She knew it was a snap assessment and she should give him more shots, but the guy’s harsh laugh told her otherwise.
I’m trapped, she thought with rising panic, I’m stuck here with him for the duration of the night.
She looked at her watch, smiled at him and said, “Okay, strike one, so tell me about some of your interests.”
Before James could respond, the woman at the front desk approached and informed them that their table was ready. James canceled Penny’s G&T, much to her chagrin.
The dining room was as impressive as she had suspected it would be. A crystal chandelier glistened in the center of the room and gorgeous oil paintings of various landscapes draped the dark cranberry walls. She sat opposite James, feeling uncomfortable. She wished she were anywhere other than here. From the substantial stone fireplace next to her, the roaring fire warmed her almost to roasting point, but her heart felt cold and empty. This date was a mistake. The people dining here appeared elegant and cocksure, and that made her feel all the more out of place in her simple outfit.
“So,” James began as if stating a point, “You’re a doctor at Wayside. What’s your specialty?”
She looked at James with wide eyes. “I’m not a doctor. I’m a nurse. I work on the oncology floor.”
“Sarah told me you were a surgeon.”
She felt the lump in her stomach grow to larger proportions. �
�I’m surprised she would have told you that, she knows I’m a nurse. I’m sure you must have misunderstood.”
“Nope.”
Shrugging, she said tightly, “Well, I’m sorry to say, but she misinformed you.”
He looked disillusioned. He didn’t answer, and an uncomfortable silence ensued.
Thankfully, the waitress arrived to take their drinks order and it was a welcome diversion.
Without even asking what she wanted, James ordered a bottle of Château Roquefort. “You like red right?”
Before she could answer, the wine was ordered. She sat quietly, nervously folding and unfolding her napkin. She only drank white wine, and now she realized she couldn’t even get drunk on this date. Talking about her job would be taboo, given James’ intense disappointment. Stories about IVs and blood tests would not impress, nor interest James in the least.
She fished for a subject that would click for them both. “So James, what do you like to do in your spare time?” She smirked and added, “Maybe you hunt deer or something or kill small animals.”
“Ha, funny,” he grunted. Stroking his chin for a moment, he said, “I love fine wine, fine restaurants, and fine women.” He looked straight at Penny with his eyes narrowed. “Do you want me to be honest?”
She now felt as if ping pong balls were doing flipflops in her stomach. She didn’t want him to be honest at all. “Absolutely, of course.”
With a sly smile, James said, “Alright then, here goes. Sex is my biggest interest. I love sex and if I could I would have it three times a day with as much adventure, variety, toys, and positions I could manage to dream up.” He looked at her square in the eye. “And believe you me, I can conjure up a whole lot of stuff.” He leaned in closer to her, and the crackling fire played off the face that she had initially found to be so attractive. “Am I scaring the hell out of you with all this?” He laughed suavely as if he had just told the most perfect dinnertime anecdote.
She kept her voice level, though a bolt of anger was ricocheting around her insides. “I don’t think I needed to know about that particular interest, James. It’s a little too much information on a first date, don’t you think? I was hoping for something a little less personal, maybe something like what kind of sports you like to watch on TV.”
His laugh turned harsh and ugly. The waitress arrived with the wine and opened it at the table. He sampled it and told her to pour both of them a glass.
Penny watched him practically finish the first glass off with two big gulps, and then to her horror he promptly filled his glass again. She knew he would be that much more offensive with each drink. He was already trying to see how far he could go. He took another large gulp of wine.
She sat watching him butter his roll. Evidently he was having a lot of fun at her expense. He had most likely written her off as a potential girlfriend the moment he found out she was a nurse.
“My sister’s a surgeon,” he said suddenly through a mouthful of bread. He swigged it down with more wine. “And she works her ass off, let me tell you.”
“Good for her,” she countered. “Look, let’s find some commonality here or this could be one long dinner.” But she felt as if she’d just been slapped with a huge chunk of ice. She was shocked that Sarah Bentley had put the two of them together. It dawned on her that Sarah may have not have had good intentions. What could she have against me? she thought with sudden horror.
Her assumptions were confirmed when her Romeo for the night said leeringly, “I told you my interests. Come on, we at least have that in common. Don’t we?”
She could feel the heat in her cheeks; she realised with dismay that she was out of her element. She’d never dealt with a man like this.
He put his hand on Penny’s arm. “Don’t tell me you’re a prude or anything ’cause that would disappoint me something awful. We could have a great night ahead of us.”
“You’re kidding me right?” She felt that little place inside her, that little sense of self she was trying so desperately to build, crumple like a used-up tissue. She was at a loss what to do now. She was used to being made to feel small, it felt so familiar to her. She could step into being belittled as naturally as stepping into her shoes. She was ready to bear the rest of the evening as best she could.
Just play along and let this asshole have his thrills and get home as fast as you can, she told herself.
“I never joke about lovemaking. Ever.” His fingers were lightly tracing the stem of his wine glass, and he smiled. “I’m one serious guy when it comes to that.”
She took a deep breath. Penny thought of how far she had come and how far she will continue to go toward the inner knowledge that she is worth so much more than that. Anger burst forth so quickly that she didn’t have time to process it. But in that quick instant of overwhelming fury, she understood that she couldn’t bear anyone making her feel small and insignificant. She’d had enough of that.
She stood up, picked up her untouched wine, and poured it into James’ half-full glass. The wine spilled over onto the table. She snarled, “I can’t stand red wine and I can’t stand spending another minute with you.”
The hostess appeared to have teleported out of nowhere, and was looking from Penny to the table and back with wide eyes. “Everything alright miss?” the young girl asked. Penny was stunned by her own actions.
She grabbed her bag off the table; James grabbed a napkin to wipe off the wine that had spilled on his pants. His purple tie, face and suit, spattered red, looked like a kid with measles.
“I think you should take your fancy suit to the cleaners as soon as possible,” she said snidely. “Red wine stains, that’s why I don’t drink it.” Two male waiters were now standing nearby, ready to lend assistance; uncomfortable expressions all round. She felt a surge of bravery and added, “No wonder you have to go on blind dates. Who would go out with you once they met you?”
He answered through clenched teeth, “Go home to your stupid dog. Who else would want you?”
She felt as if she’d been punched in the stomach. Blinking a few times, she felt the tears come, even as she silently prayed that they wouldn’t. Deep down, she wondered if this horrid man had, perhaps, spoken the truth; but she certainly didn’t want him to see that.
She turned on her heel and marched through the line of wait-staff to the coatroom. Thankfully, James did not follow her out to continue the altercation. With a huge sigh of relief, she jumped into her car and sped away from the restaurant.
The tears came freely then. With each tear that fell, she felt the despair wrap around her all the more. All she had tried to build in these past few months, the courage it took to make the changes in her life… it seemed so futile now.
Nothing’s changed, she thought as a sob caught in her throat, I’m still going home alone to sit with Winston and Bob; James is right, I should never have believed that someone could love me the way I want to be loved.
She told herself to be content with her new friends and her new job and not to expect anything else. Like a smartly dressed leprechaun stealing a bag of gold with a sex-laced leer, James had successfully stripped her of her budding confidence in one short evening. She hadn’t realized how fragile she was; she should have been more careful.
Dolores’ words blared into her mind like a siren. Her well-wrought phrases clamour into your ears, spinning unchallenged around your head as if they’ve charged down the gates and won the battle: Penny don’t do this, it’s not worth it; Penny why are you doing that? It’s a mistake; Penny, don’t try that, don’t do it, and don’t go, you can’t…
She stopped listening and swerved to the side of the road.
From the distance a car approached. She fought to regain control over her emotions. The car hushed past through the dark, and she glanced over to see if it was James. She was almost sure that it was.
Grabbing her cell phone out of her bag, she called Aunt Bess. When she answered, her voice was filled with sleep.
Drumm
ing her fingers on the steering wheel, Penny’s voice cracked. “I’m sorry I woke you.”
“Penny! Are you okay? What’s happened?”
“No, Aunt Bess I’m fine, I just… I just had to talk to you.”
“Thank God, I thought something dreadful had happened. How was your date?”
“Awful,” she answered with a sob. “He was a horrible man and I left him at the table before we ordered appetizers.” Crying in big gasping gulps, she sputtered, “All my life, I never cried and now it seems as if I can’t stop. I was never a cry baby was I?”
“Never, ever. Even when you fell and scraped your knee, you were always a brave little soldier.”
“And, and, I never yelled at people did I? Even when I got mad?” she asked as a fresh wave of sobbing gripped her.
“Not that I can recall.”
A sense of relief rush through her. In the space of a few minutes she had faced many of her demons, and she was still in one piece.
“God, Aunt Bess, who knew? All I do is yell at people. I’m an angry mean person and I am scaring the hell out of myself.”
“Whoever you yell at must deserve it. And probably deserved it for years.” She laughed. “You may just be warming up, you know.”
“Don’t say that!”
“The blinders are off, my dear. The power Dolores has had over you is losing its mighty grip. You may not see it, but I do. Just a short time ago, you would never in a million, gazillion, years have left anyone at a restaurant, even if they hit you over the head with a crispy duck.”
The crying stopped, and Penny managed to laugh. “Am I such a wimp? God I’m so confused. Well at least you love me Aunt Bess, and I hope I’m done with being mad at everyone else.” She felt as if big boulders had been lifted from her shoulders. Having no confidence had held her down; now she realized she had a chance to take care of herself. Walking out on James had proven that to her.
Penny knew what she had to do. She would attend Thanksgiving dinner at her parents’ house. She would face her brothers and her sisters-in-law, and she would be overjoyed to see her nephews and niece. But more importantly, she would try to make her family see her in a different light, and she could only hope to gain their respect.