by Nancy DeRosa
With a sigh, she saw her brother Louis’ number flashing.
“Oh shit,” she muttered. “Now he wants to tell me off.” She was growing jaded with all the calls from her family: each call an unhappygram, always an attack against her, as if they naturally vented their negative feelings by dialing her number. The only one who had ever supported her was Aunt Bess.
“Hello,” Penny said curtly.
“Hey Penny. I thought this was a good time to get you. You being so busy and all.”
“I guess you’re not used to that.”
“What does that mean?” Louis replied sharply. “Hey look, I’m just calling to see what the hell is going on. Mom and Dad are upset and hey, I haven’t seen you. Don’t you miss Alex, Paul and Carrie at all?”
She stopped walking and snapped, “Oh, so now it’s the guilt trip. I’m sure they’re not pining over me, so don’t give me that crap Louis. I’ve been invisible to all of you since, like forever. You’re so used to me living on the fringes of your life, when I’m not around you think I’m the one that’s selfish. And guess what? I think it’s the other way around.”
“What? That’s, just, crazy.”
Her briefcase fell onto the pavement and as she bent down to pick it up, her voice rose. “I’m no longer content being the Auntie that visits and baby-sits when you want to go out and have a good time. I want my own good time. Admit it Louis, you’ve always secretly pitied me and you never once thought I could have a life as good as yours.”
“Penny, that’s not true! God, I just called to see how you’re doing.”
She stood up with her briefcase, rubbing the small of her back. “Look, I’m sorry if I bit your head off. I’m just getting sick and tired of hearing how bad I am.”
“We just want to see you. I’m not on the attack.”
“Look,” she offered in a softer tone, “I told Dad I’ll be over for Thanksgiving.” She gave a short laugh, “I can just see already how Turkey Day will unfold.”
“Gobble, gobble,” he quipped. Penny knew he was trying to make light of the situation.
“You better warn Dolores—if she tries to gobble me up, I’m out of there.”
Chapter 33
Stepping onto the oncology floor, Penny felt grumpy and on edge. Nurse Reins was in a foul mood and everyone was doing their best to avoid her. Penny walked round the corner to see Reins standing furiously over Alyssa. Penny quickly gathered that Alyssa didn’t respond quickly enough to a patient’s buzzer. Her hotly proclaimed excuses were batted away by the grim-faced head nurse. Reins had a mini breakdown, and told anyone within earshot that she was overloaded with responsibilities and needed her team’s full support at all times, not just when they felt like it.
“There are people suffering on this floor,” she warbled. “We cannot afford to have any of our patients wait. That is, if we can help it.”
Penny knew she was right, and Alyssa could certainly flake out from time to time; but she couldn’t figure out why Reins appeared unhappy for so much of the time. Penny had learned from piecemeal gossip that she was unmarried and childless. She kept to herself and was very private, but for some reason Penny was drawn to her. She sensed that Nurse Reins had a good heart, strong and sturdy, and if anyone had a good sense of who they were, she did. Reins didn’t give a hoot what anyone thought of her. Alyssa would always tease her that she was Reins’ pet, but Penny secretly wished she could have the opportunity to know her better.
*
That evening, after a gruelling day at work, she and her friends decided it was time for a visit to Pig Out. Entering the restaurant with Alyssa, Josephine and Mike, she saw a few of the technicians from their floor already gathered by the bar. They yelled out greetings at the arriving entourage.
Looking around, all she could see was pigs. There were pig pictures, pig posters, ceramic pigs, glass pigs, wooden pigs, and pig statues as tall as she was. “Now I know why they call this place Pig Out,” she said to no-one in particular.
Snorting like a pig, Mike said, “They have a three pound pulled pork sandwich to die for. Very few people can finish it and if you do you get a pig prize.”
“Wow, that’s something to strive for,” she answered dryly.
Smacking Penny on the back, Alyssa said, “You are just too funny.”
But Mike wouldn’t be stopped. He cried out in excitement, “Oh my God, it’s crazy. The whole staff comes over and takes your picture with a huge pig hat and they sing the famous pig song.” He broke into a worring falsetto, “You are a pig, a big fat pig, ’cause you just ate something really, really big.” He clapped his hands together. “It’s so much fun, really. Then you’re picture and name go on the pig hall of fame plaque.” Pointing to the far wall on the right, he added, “See? Right over there, and they give you a pink pig statue, and they even put your name on it.”
Looking at the enormous plaque that hung on the wall, Penny said dryly, “Remind me to never order the three pound pulled pork sandwich.”
He cackled merrily and helped Penny off with her coat. She followed Josephine and Alyssa toward the growing cluster of Wayside employees around an imposing blue wooden pig at the end of the bar. She placed her drink on the porcine dais in the center of the table. She could not believe how hokey the place was but she decided there was something about Pig Out that made you want to have fun. Picking up her drink, she took a huge slurp.
Alyssa and Mike began to joke and flirt with two of the x-ray technicians. She wanted to join in but found it difficult: she wasn’t exactly the flirting type. Her friends evidently had a real flair for it, and Mike was even more of a natural than Alyssa. He was going all-out to charm Joe Fester—and everyone knew he was straight and had a girlfriend.
“That shirt suits you, the color is just fantastic with your eyes,” Mike blathered away. Joe actually blushed at the compliment. Smiling, Penny felt happy she was here. Before she knew it, her drink was finished and Josephine quickly ordered her another.
Loosening up, she joined in the banter with Joe and Rich Mahoney. She tried to mimic Alyssa and Mike’s social interaction: she had noticed that they both laughed at anything Joe or Rich said.
“So, are you in for strip poker next Thursday Penny?” Rich asked with a sneaky grin.
Tilting her head back, Penny said, “It depends on how high the stakes are.” Alyssa looked at her and laughed even harder.
Josephine shrugged and rolled her eyes. “Okay, who is doing a shot with me?”
Everyone put their hand up and shouted “Me!” in unison. Penny followed their lead, even though she knew that drinking a shot of vodka after downing two drinks would not be a very good idea.
When Joe arrived with the shots, she took a deep breath and did hers in one gulp. The liquid blazed down her throat and warmed her belly. Everything in her focus turned blurry, and she leaned against the blue pig with a decadent sigh.
“I really like this pig, it’s growing on me,” she announced fuzzily.
Josephine deadpanned, “I’ll try to find you one just like it for Christmas.”
Penny smacked her knees with a guffaw. “You’re a riot, Josephine!” She felt as if all was good with the world. She gazed at Joe and Rich, and tried to decide which one she would like to kiss. To her great disappointment, she didn’t feel any great desire to kiss either one of them. Having a good time talking to them seemed like enough.
“Here we go,” Mike announced, bringing yet another tray of vodka shots.
Penny hadn’t even noticed he’d been gone. Everyone took a drink off the tray and then looked at her. Tentatively, she picked hers up. She said sheepishly, “But we all have to work tomorrow.”
Joe shrugged. “Yeah, so? We’ll be sober by then.”
She grabbed her shot and downed it before anyone else had a chance to finish. The group yelled out their approval.
Through her waving vision she noticed Dr Bruck sitting at the end of the bar with some other doctors from Wayside. “Look over
there,” she whispered to Alyssa. She was too far gone to care that she was slurring her words.
Alyssa gave her That Look. “What did I tell you about him?” Her wagging finger was making her dizzy.
“Alyssa,” she began with indignation as she draped herself over the pig, “be a little deeper than that. Maybe the gossip about him isn’t true. Maybe… he has a wonderful soul.”
“Hmm. I think we should cut off your liquor intake for the rest of the night. You’re already getting wasted.”
Penny started to laugh uncontrollably, like a hedge trimmer that can’t be switched off. She felt crazy and out of control and all of a sudden the dizziness took hold. “I think I need to get a drink of water,” she declared, “And maybe some fresh air.”
But Alyssa had already stopped paying attention: she’d fixated instead on Joe. Penny decided now was the time to get her act together. Joey had already headed to the bar on another vodka run, and she’d rather not be in the vicinity when they arrived. If she had another drink, she would have to be carried out of Pig Out—and in her estimation that would be rather a low point in her life.
Watching her new friends plow down yet another shot, she thought, I’m not a teenager anymore. I’m pushing forty for God’s sake. How do they all drink like that and survive the next day? As she asked herself this question, she headed over to the bar to get a glass of water.
Out in the cool night air, she took in big gulps of the clean stuff, and felt her head clearing just a bit. After drinking some of the water, she breathed in more lungfuls of fresh air. Look at me, she thought, I am out in the world having a good time with my friends. She’s never felt happier. Sure, the alcohol was helping to infuse her with this propitious feeling, but she was still enjoying every moment of it. She had wanted to have this slice of life on her plate for a very long time.
“Look at what I’ve been missing,” she said out loud. “I love all of you.”
“Thank-you.”
Whirling around, she found Dr Bruck standing behind her with a look of amusement.
She put a hand to her mouth and stammered, “I didn’t know anyone was out here.”
He took a step closer. “It’s so refreshing to see a person with goodwill toward man. You’re in a jolly good mood.”
She said with a gleeful snort, “I like Pig Out. All the pigs are so cute in there. Have you ever had the three pound pulled pork sandwich?”
“No, I can’t say that I have. Are you hankering for one?”
“Not on your life. I’m not hankering to find my face plastered on the Pork of Fame.” She swayed sideways and put a hand on the railing.
Dr Bruck stepped in even closer. He was so close that she could smell his aftershave. A big knot of nerves hit the pit of her stomach, and she stared at him with wide eyes.
“Are you hankering for this then?” He leaned forward until his lips found hers. His arms surrounded her as if he was wrapping her for Christmas. Closing her eyes, she opened herself up to the kiss. She had wanted it, fantasized about it since she first saw him at Fernfair. Her arms slid around his waist, and she kissed him back with everything she had. She waited to feel swept away with fevered passion. She waited, and waited, and kissed him with all of her being, but there was nothing. Not a stir, not a flutter.
The only feeling that swept over her was extreme nausea. She pulled away from the delicious doc, and threw up all over his Italian leather loafers. He jumped back, exclaiming something that sounded like a German curse.
She didn’t answer him, as she was still throwing up. As if detached from the moment, she wondered how she would cope with the humiliation that would inevitably follow.
Dr Bruck said briskly, “I’ll get one of your friends,” and sloshed back into the restaurant.
In her drunken and sick haze, she twigged that if Dr Bruck had been the one for her, he would have leaned over and put a hand on her shoulder, maybe even helped her up and sat her on the front steps. Her body may have been responding correctly toward a man that had never addressed her by her name. She stood on the front lawn of Pig Out, feeling an enormous sense of relief that the nausea had passed.
Alyssa came running out the front door to find her slumped on the front steps. Penny heard her gasp, “Oh, shit, Penny.” Her follow-up laugh was an almost delighted sniggle of fun as she pointed down to the front steps. “Would you look at this mess you made girlfriend? Are you okay?”
Penny turned toward her friend and replied, “Even if Dr Bruck had the hugest, most enormous penis in the whole wide world, I still wouldn’t like him.”
Mike, who had just appeared at the top of the steps, laughed out loud. “We better get this one home, pronto.”
With a struggle, they folded her into Mike’s Dodge Dart and packed her back to her apartment. She snoozed most of the way, occasionally resurfacing to mutter, “I love you so much.”
“We love you back tenfold,” Mike said as he tried to yank off her boots.
“No,” she slurred, “But I really, really, love you really, so much. So many people have puked on my shoes you know. Payback’s a bitch.”
Josephine shook her head slowly. “She is totally trashed.”
“I don’t really speak to my family anymore you know. I haven’t seen them in a really, really, long time.”
“Okay,” Josephine said slowly. “If you’re going to continue, try to leave out the word really.”
Laughing and snorting, she slumped over to the side of her couch. “I don’t mind because it was me who wanted the split. It’s kind of like a divorce.”
“Well that’s good to hear,” Mike offered. “Just please, don’t get sick again okay?”
“I promise I won’t.” She made the sign of the cross on her chest. “Swear to God and hope to die. Did you know that I puked on Bruck’s shoes?”
“We do,” Alyssa said with a smile. “You’re going to wake up feeling pretty lousy in the morning.”
“I wonder how he’s going to feel about that? You know, having me throw up on his shoes and all. I really don’t miss my family so much and do you want to know why?”
“Sure we do,” Mike piped in.
“I don’t miss them,” she declared as she waved her arms in excitement, “because they don’t give me that special place in their heart that they give to everyone else.” She turned around to look at Alyssa who was sitting beside her on the couch. “I am special too you know. Everyone in the whole world deserves a special place, somewhere,” her right hand flopped down as she added, “or they will wilt like a dying flower.”
“Yes, you definitely would wilt,” Alyssa agreed with a nod of her head.
“I mean,” Penny continued, warming to the subject, “your family should believe in you and think you’re great, right? Even if you’re really just a big asshole. Do you know what I’m saying? So since no-one supports this asshole, what I’m doing is becoming my own cheerleading squad.” She slapped her leg wholeheartedly.
Mike said, “I think that’s a brilliant idea. I’ll be happy to join your squad.”
“Thank-you,” Penny said, clapping her hands.
“Me too,” Alyssa chimed in. “And I think I’ll also cheer for myself when I’m feeling down.”
Shrugging, Josephine added dryly, “Penny, your family sound like a bunch of losers.”
“Josephine!” Alyssa scolded, and patted Penny’s shoulder. “We’re going to put you to bed now. A good night’s sleep and you’ll see everything different in the morning.”
“She’s going to feel like shit in the morning,” Mike piped in.
“Shhhh,” Alyssa whispered with her finger to her lips. “Don’t tell her that.”
“I am seeing them on Thanksgiving! I have the courage you know. It’s time to see them and time to change everything over there once and for all. It’s all about space and place.”
Hauling her up from the couch, Mike mimicked, “Space and place, good job, brave girl.”
Alyssa, Josephine, and Mike
gently took her coat off and laid her down on the bed. They quietly tiptoed out of her apartment. Penny fell fast asleep in seconds. She had sweet dreams, and smiled often throughout the night.
Chapter 34
She woke, and images of Dr Bruck’s expensive, ruined shoes slapped her eyelids shut again. She put the pillow over her head and groaned.
Finally pushing herself out of bed, she couldn’t shake the memories of her evening at Pig Out. She had no idea how she would face Dr Bruck, but if she didn’t go to work today it would just be that much harder tomorrow.
The dizziness passed when she limped over to the bathroom, took three aspirins, and put the shower on hot. I have to face everyone and get through this excruciating embarrassment as best I can, she thought with a sigh.
At work, she walked gingerly into the locker room. To her great relief, no-one was around. She hung her coat and pocketbook in her locker, and ventured out into the corridor to get a cup of black coffee. Her head still felt like it was in a clamp and she prayed that the end of the day would come sooner than later.
Nurse Reins stood guard by the coffee stand. Seeing Penny, her stern features relaxed into a rare smile. “So I hear you got drunk with the rat pack of Wayside and threw up on Dr Bruck.”
“I… where did you hear that?”
Reins patted the nurse’s shoulder, passed by her and said, “Way to go.”
Penny spotted Dr Bruck strolling down the corridor. Reins turned round and looked at Penny with raised eyebrows. Her face felt hot and she knew it was probably as red as a beefsteak tomato. Her first instinct was to run away, but she stood her ground. She had to see him at least ten times today, so she had better get the first meeting over with.