“Razi?”
A look of distaste flickered across his face. “Yeah, Razi. He used to work at the agency too, but he left to go out on his own. Most guys do eventually. You get all the profits then. But anyway, for some reason Paul always had a soft spot when it came to Razi. I never really cared for him, but Paul insisted there was something more to him than just the slick exterior, something inside worth sticking around for. The news Razi thought I'd heard…” He stopped and gulped a few times before he could go on. “Razi told me that Paul was killed a few days ago.”
“Oh,” I said dumbly. I was more than a little ashamed at the rush of relief I felt at that revelation. “I'm…I'm sorry,” I stuttered, blushing hotly even though there was no way Micah could have read my thoughts and known how callous they had been.
“I don't expect you to feel bad,” Micah said, making me feel worse. “It's not like you even knew him.”
“Still, he meant something to you,” I said lamely.
“But not to you. Look, I imagine you have a lot to think about; I'm going to take a walk and leave you alone.”
I started to protest that it wasn't necessary, but I clamped my mouth to when I realized how nice it would be to be alone with my thoughts right now. Instead, I just nodded and he let himself out.
I threw myself down on the bed and allowed myself a few minutes of wallowing in self-pity. In one short night, my new fairytale romance had turned into more of a twisted Brother's Grimm tale, and it seemed grim indeed. My Prince Charming had turned out to be nothing like the man I thought he was. But then the dragon of rational thought once again reared its ugly head and I was forced to admit that nothing had really changed. Micah was still the same guy I'd been dating for the last few months and they same guy I'd given my virginity to just that morning. He hadn't changed. The only thing that had changed was that I knew a little more about him. Still, hissed that nasty little part of me not ready to give up my hurt and anger just yet, he did hide his past from you, even if he didn't outright lie about it.
In all fairness, the reasonable side of me argued, he did tell you that there was a part of his past he hadn't told you about yet. And he was going to tell you this weekend.
The simple fact of the matter was, though, that no matter how good a reason Micah felt he had for becoming an escort, I was still very uncomfortable with it. I knew my attitude was possibly due to the fact that I'd grown up very sheltered in a small town on the Eastern Shore of Maryland. While Maryland was a pretty liberal state overall, the Shore was still rural and conservative for the most part. It had been pretty much isolated from the rest of the state until halfway through the twentieth century when the bridge connecting the shore to the mainland had been built. In many ways, the people were still isolated and sheltered from the more urban areas on the western shore of the Chesapeake Bay, Annapolis, Baltimore, and DC.
Was my discomfort something that could be overcome? I just didn't know, at least not yet. I needed more time to figure things out. Did I still care about Micah? That much at least I was able to answer. Yes, I did. And with that thought, the pain inside me welled up again.
By now, I was physically and mentally wiped out. My rational mind finally gave up and let my emotions take over in a torrent of self-indulgent tears. By the time I'd cried myself out, I was well on the way to slipping into a restless sleep.
I awoke with a start when Micah let himself into the room. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was two o'clock in the morning.
“Where've you been?” I asked, my mind still a bit fuzzy from being woken so suddenly.
“In an all-night coffee bar down the street. You weren't the only one who needed to think. Sorry I woke you up.”
“S'ok.”
He started undressing and despite myself, my heart began to beat just a little faster. “What are you doing?' I asked stupidly.
“Getting ready for bed,” he said in a drained voice that didn't leave much room for argument.
I argued anyway. “You're sleeping here?” What can I say? I'm not at my best when I'm awoken in the middle of the night.
“No, Killian, I thought I'd sleep in the hallway. Yes, I'm sleeping here. And don't worry; I won't lay a finger on you.” He pulled back the blankets on his side of the bed and slid under the covers before turning his back purposefully to me.
I stared at his back for a while, almost wishing he would lay a finger on me; wanting him and being disgusted at the same time. Finally, my exhaustion overcame my warring emotions and I fell back into that fitful rest.
I woke up to find a morning suitably dreary to match my mood. It wasn't raining, but the sky was leaden and promised rain before the day was out. Micah was gone, but a note left on the desk told me he'd gone for breakfast and he was bringing me something back. I took a shower and was just getting out when Micah returned carrying a small paper sack.
“I got you a bagel with cream cheese,” he said. “I hope that's ok.”
“It's fine,” I told him, turning away to get dressed.
I felt him move up behind me and then felt his hands on my waist. I tensed up under his touch.
“Micah…” My voice trailed off.
His hands fell away.
“So what's going on?” he asked. “Are we breaking up?”
“No,” I said quickly, keeping my back to him as I pulled on my clothes. “I mean…I don't know right now. I need more time to figure things out.”
“Figure what out, Killian? Do you love me?”
“I…yes.”
“And I love you. What's to figure out?”
“It's not that simple and we both know it.” I turned to face him. “If it was as simple as that I'd still be with Asher and you'd still be with Paul.”
Hurt flashed in his eyes at the mention of Paul's name. At least that was what I thought that was the source of the pain until he spoke. “That's what it always comes back to, isn't it? Asher.”
“What? Wait, that's not what I meant.”
“What did you mean, then?”
“You said yourself just last night that you would always love Paul, but that you've moved on. That's just how it is for me when it comes to Asher.”
He sighed and knuckled his eyes. “Just tell me what to do to make this right.”
“I don't know,” I wailed, “I don't think there's anything anyone can do. You can't just wave a magic wand and make it right. It's going to take time and I don't even know if it'll be right then.”
“What's the problem? That I didn't tell you? I'm sorry, Killian, but at least everything is out in the open now. There're no more secrets. We can rebuild the trust.”
“That's not even it. Not really, anyway. I'm still a little hurt at the way I found out, but I know that wasn't really your fault. It was just really shitty timing.”
“Now you know why I didn't want to come to DC. But if that's not the problem, what is?”
“I'm just having a lot of trouble with the whole idea of you being an escort.”
“But I explained all that to you.”
“I still just…”
“It's a part of my past. I can't change what happened, and I wouldn't if I could. I'm not ashamed of what I did, you know. It put me through college and it's all a part of who I am today. I wouldn't be the same person if I hadn't gone through all that. I was good enough for you to fall in love, why aren't I good enough for you to stay in love?”
I was fighting tears again and I was damned if I was going to fall apart in front of him. I pulled myself together and took a deep breath. “We're not going to get anywhere now. I think we should just go home. I need a few days to work through all this on my own.”
“Oh great, you're asking for the infamous break. Everybody knows that's the death knoll for a relationship.”
“Micah, I'm not breaking up with you. I'm not even asking for a break. I just need a few days to figure out what I do want. This is a lot for me to take in. I mean I'm just a kid from the boonies. Give me a br
eak.”
“You sell yourself short, Killian. Just don't sell us short too.”
He picked up his suitcase and yanked open the door. “I'll be waiting in the car,” he said as he disappeared into the hall.
I sighed and zipped up my bag. I did a cursory look around the room to make sure we weren't leaving anything and then started to follow. I was halfway down the hall before I went back for the bagel. It was going to be a long ride home and I just might need the sustenance.
Chapter 8
The drive home was every bit as long as I thought it would be. We barely spoke the entire time, arriving home in late morning. I wanted to talk to Steve, but when we finally pulled into my driveway, only Kane's vehicle was there. He told me both Steve and Adam were at the B&B today since something had happened over the weekend. He didn't say what and I didn't ask. I was in no mood to deal with anyone else's problems when I had my own to worry over.
I was also in no mood to sit around the house doing nothing. I drove into the office only to find it empty as well. Novak was obviously out on his case. I typed up my report, relying heavily on my notes since my mind wasn't exactly at peak performance, but then I was left with nothing to do except fret. Finally, the clock said it was almost time for Jake to be getting out of school. More for something to do than anything, I decided to follow him again.
I drove to the school and parked in almost the exact same spot I'd chosen to wait for him last time. As I sat and waited for the final bell to ring, my mind began to wander. Of course, the first place it went was directly to Micah.
I was still shocked about the whole thing. I couldn't believe that Micah had once been an escort. He'd told me about his troubled childhood, the much older neighbor who had seduced him and kept him quiet with mental abuse. He'd told me how it had affected his self-esteem and his view of sex; and about how he'd slept his way through practically the entire male population of his school. He'd also told me that his views of sex had changed as he'd gotten older and he never wanted his relationships to be based on sex alone again. None of that had prepared for the big news, however. And even after he'd told me that he'd planned to tell me that weekend, I still couldn't help but wonder if he would have if Tad hadn't spilled the beans.
I heard the dismissal bell ring and registered it at the back of my mind.
The question was, now that I knew, how did that affect me, and what was I going to do about it? If I had to be completely honest with myself, I knew it really shouldn't affect me. It was a part of Micah's past. As he'd said, it was part of what made him who he was today. And I had fallen in love with him as he was, hadn't I? Hadn't I? Maybe that was the real question. Did I really love Micah or was I just trying to convince myself that I loved him? Maybe I was just in love with the idea of being in love.
I was so caught up in my thoughts that I almost missed Jake when he came out of the school with a friend and climbed into his car. In fact, I really didn't notice him until he was pulling out of the parking lot. I started my car and pulled into the line of cars waiting their turn to get out of the lot, cursing myself the whole time at my ineptness.
You should have been paying more attention, I scolded myself. Novak always says that you can't let your personal life interfere with your investigation, and that's exactly what I'm doing.
I finally managed to get out onto the street and the chase was on. Jake had a considerable lead on me thanks to an overly cautious teen driver that had been in front of me. Who's ever heard of an overly cautious teen driver? I quickly made up for the lost time, and vented my frustration at the same time, by driving like a maniac until he was in site again. It was just plain luck that he hadn't turned off the main road. If he had, I would have lost him for sure.
Once I had him in my sights, Novak's training took over and my mind was free to go back to worrying at the situation with Micah like a dog with a bone. The question loomed up once again. Was I in love with Micah? I enjoyed being with him. I missed him when we weren't together. I was undeniably attracted to him. Was that love? What was love? I'd loved Asher, and probably always would, but it was so difficult to define. What I felt for Micah felt different from what I'd felt with Asher. Did that mean I loved Micah less or was it different every time? And if I did love Micah, didn't that mean I should be willing to accept him as he was? Why was I having such a hard time with this anyway? It's not as if he was a killer-for-hire or something that actually hurt anyone. While the morality of being an escort could be argued, it all depended on whose code of morality you were using. Being an escort was perfectly legal in some countries and even right here in the US in Nevada. And more importantly, he wasn't an escort now. I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to handle dating someone who was still working as an escort. I was too insecure for that.
Maybe that's what this all came down to, insecurity. Was Micah comparing me to all those other guys he'd slept with when we were in bed? If so, I was sure I couldn't even begin to measure up. I didn't even know what I was doing. Why was Micah even interested in me? I was just a dumb kid from nowhere. He was a talented, bright, hunky, sophisticated man. What if he got tired of me one day and just up and left me?
I was so caught up in that train of thought that I didn't even notice when Jake turned off. I just suddenly realized he was no longer in front of me. I had no clue when he'd turned off or where. I let loose with a string of curses as I pounded the steering wheel in anger.
Great, just great, I fumed. I took a deep breath and tried to calm down. This was not turning out to be a good day. Maybe I should just drive home and lock myself in my room for the rest of the day, I thought glumly. Jake was definitely gone and I had no idea where he was going. That thought spurred another thought, I might not know where he was going, but I was pretty sure where he wasn't going. We had been driving in the opposite direction of his house. Maybe now would be a good time to search his room, assuming I could manage to stay focused on the job at hand and not allow my thoughts to distract me again.
I turned the car around and drove towards Judy and Jake's house. When I arrived, I was pleased to see that my luck seemed to be changing; Jake's car was nowhere to be seen. Better yet, Judy's van was parked by the house, so that meant she was home. I parked behind the van and Judy had the front door open before I was even completely out of the car.
Judy had never been married and as far as I knew, had not been lucky in love. She'd gotten pregnant as a young teen and moved away to raise the baby, Dashel, by herself. She'd gotten pregnant a second time after her brother-in-law, Jake's father, forced himself on her. That baby was Jake. She'd ended up allowing her sister to adopt Jake and raise him as her own. It turned out that her brother-in-law had not only been a rapist, he was also abusive to his older children. The oldest son, Todd, had snapped and killed Seth, another boy, and his own sister before trying to kill Jake, Asher and me. I'd shot and killed Todd to protect Jake and soon after the people who had raised Jake from birth killed themselves in a double suicide. All that was left of Jake's family he and his little brother, Jamie. Asher's parents had adopted Jamie and Judy had come back for Jake. She'd moved Jake to California where she lived with her older son, Dash.
Now that Dash was studying in Australia, Judy had decided to move back to Maryland to be closer to her only remaining family, Asher's parents. She'd started renting this little house a few months ago. It wasn't big or fancy, but then, they didn't need much space for the two of them. Judy had worked miracles in the yard in the short time she'd been there, though. The yard was a riot of color, even this far into October. She'd planned the gardens to look very natural, so that you could barely tell where the lawn left off and the gardens began.
“The yard is beautiful,” I told her as I walked up the flagstone path she's laid through the midst of the flowers.
“Thanks, it relaxes me,” she said. “You haven't found anything out.” It was a statement, not a question but I answered it anyway.
“Not yet,” I was thinking I could searc
h his room while he isn't here.”
She nodded silently and held the door open. “I hate doing this,” she said as I stepped inside, “but I can't just stand by and do nothing. I know something is wrong; I just don't know what. It's killing me.”
The anguish in her voice was so strong it stopped me in my tracks. I turned to face her and found myself hugging her spontaneously. “I'll find out what's going on,” I promised her.
“Please do,” she said, barely above a whisper.
I pushed the door to Jake's room open with a twinge of guilt. It was one thing to snoop through a complete stranger's personal belongings, it was quite another to be doing it to a friend. I felt like I was violating a trust between us.
The room looked like any typical teenager's room. A few posters were plastered on the wall, one advertising Showtime's Queer As Folk and a couple movie posters. Dirty clothes were scattered about, wherever they'd landed when Jake had removed them. A dirty plate sat on the floor and nearby a glass lay on its side, a dried skim of milk inside it. The room itself was on the small side and most of the floor space was taken up by a double bed, a dresser, a desk, a bookcase, and an entertainment center that held a TV, VCR, DVD and a game cube. I whistled softly at the electronics. That had cost a bundle and I somehow doubted Judy could afford all that, so where had it come from? I made a mental note to ask Judy before I left.
The Truth of Yesterday Page 11