by Ruby Dixon
“It is true,” Bek insists, and then goes to one of the storage baskets at the back of the cave and pulls out a pouch. He moves to sit next to me by the fire, folding his legs under him with incredible grace given his size. His tail flicks on the furs, close to me but not too close, and he offers me the pouch. “Trail rations. It is not much, but I am not leaving you to go hunting until I know you are well.”
I stare at the pouch, torn. I’m starving and still shaky, and I know that eating will help, but my stomach twists into a knot just thinking about it. What if…what if this is a trick?
Bek’s jaw clenches when I don’t reach for the food. He shakes it at me and then gives me an exasperated look. “Do you not like trail rations?”
I would eat cardboard right now. My stomach growls, betraying my thoughts, and Bek narrows his eyes at me. “Eat.”
I swallow hard, because my mouth is watering. Everything in me wants desperately to eat, but I can’t force myself to reach for the food.
“Ell-ee,” he growls in his throat.
I know. I know I’m being ridiculous and scared. I fight back tears of frustration. Does he think I want to starve myself? I want to tell him off, to point out that I’m not stupid, but the knot in my throat won’t let me speak.
“This is ridiculous,” he says, words biting with frustration. “Do I need to eat a bite to show you how to do so?”
My head jerks up and I give him a look of hope.
His eyes widen. “Is that it? You need me to eat it first?” When I bite my lip, he takes one of the ration cakes and takes a hearty bite out of it, chewing, then offers me the pouch.
I reach out and snatch the bitten one out of his hand and cram it into my mouth, chewing so fast that crumbs are flying down the front of my leather tunic. I don’t care. I just want to eat. The taste of it is extra spicy, like the sa-khui prefer their food, but it’s delicious. I try to swallow and cough on the mouthful.
Bek hands me a waterskin and then hesitates, takes a sip out of it, and then offers it to me.
I shoot him a grateful look even as I grab it out of his hands and take a big sip.
“Eat slower,” he commands me. “It does no good if the food does not reach your stomach.” He pulls another cake out of the pouch, takes a bite out of it, and then offers it to me.
It takes everything I have not to snatch it away again. I force myself to take it from him gently, to take small bites. No one is here to snatch it away from me. I can take my time if I need to. I sip more water and nibble at the cake. My stomach hurts from putting food into it, but I’m not going to stop eating.
Bek just watches me as I chew. When I finish my cake, he takes a bite out of another and gives it to me, and we repeat the process twice more until he puts the pouch away. “I would give you more, but if you have not been eating, you will get sick. We will have tea, and then more cakes when your stomach can handle it.”
It makes sense. I don’t protest as he gets up and puts fresh-scooped snow into the boiling pouch, then adds a sprinkle of leaves. “Is this why you are not eating, Ell-ee? Because you feel others must eat your food first?” He looks over at me, his gaze intense.
I don’t know how to explain to him, to make him understand. My throat knots up again, and I shrug.
“Is it because you feel the food is bad?” When I don’t respond, he continues to guess. “Something else? You do not trust the food?” At my tiny nod, he looks surprised. “Has someone given you food and taken it away before?”
I gaze down at my hands. There are still remnants of grease on my fingers, and I have to fight the urge to lick them, because my fingers are filthy. All of me is filthy.
Bek moves to my side and crouches low next to me. He extends his hand, and I look at him in surprise. He just sits there, waiting, and I know what he wants. I suck in a breath, trying to be brave, and put my hand in his. His fingers grip mine, and his hand is warm. Reassuring.
“Did someone give you bad food in the past, Ell-ee? Is that why you won’t eat unless I do?”
With his hand holding mine, the knot in my throat loosens a little. “Sick,” I tell him in a near whisper. “To make me sick.”
His nostrils flare, and I shrink back at his anger.
“Who would try to make you sick? Why?”
I lick my lips, trying to be brave. “They thought it was funny.”
His expression grows tight. “What is funny?”
Oh, it’s hard to use words after hiding away from them for so long. I shrink into myself, not wanting to explain. It’s hard to say things aloud, because a small, hard part of me still worries that my words will be used against me. But then Bek’s thumb strokes over the back of my hand, and I feel a little better. “Humans…when we get sick, we vomit or sweat. Make faces. I had an owner that…he thought it was funny to watch. He would trick me by giving me good food one day, and then something bad the next.” I swallow hard, because I can still feel the burn in my throat from those days, the taste of vomit on my tongue. I want more water…but I also don’t want to pull my hand from Bek’s comforting one.
His thumb strokes the back of my hand again. “So you eat…only when someone else eats before you?”
I nod slowly. “Safe.”
BEK
Her words make my heart feel as if it is being ripped apart.
Who would do such a thing? Who would make a female sick just to watch her vomit? Give her bad food to make her ill? It makes no sense to me. I do not understand this at all, but I know Ell-ee does not lie. The answer is in her big, haunted eyes and too-thin face.
I want to crush her against me and stroke her hair. My mate has been hurt in the past. If she lived in a place where even the food was not safe…no wonder she does not trust. No wonder she is afraid to eat. No wonder she looks at everything with such fear in her eyes.
And yet…this makes her quiet strength all the more remarkable. Of course she tries to run away. I think of Trakan and his collar and feel sick to my stomach. I think of the way I leapt upon her after the sa-kohtsk hunt and held her down so she could get her khui. It was for the best…but will Ell-ee see it like that?
I rub my thumb over the back of her small hand. So soft. So fragile. Even this small touch feels like a gift. Every whispered word, a treasure.
No one will ever hurt my Ell-ee again. That she is here with me is enough for now. We will take it slow.
“Would you like some tea?” I ask her. When she looks hesitant, I get to my feet and take my favorite bone cup out of my pack, the one my mother made for me when I was a small kit. It is one of the few things I have left of her, and I have never let another touch it. I scoop it into the hot tea and then lift the cup to my lips, taking a sip before offering it to my mate.
She gently takes the cup from my hands and puts it to her lips. Her eyes close, and her expression is one of such pleasure that it makes my cock swell even as my chest aches. “Good?” I ask, voice husky. At her little nod, I mentally note the mixture of tea leaves and decide I will make sure she has it every day for the rest of her life.
Ell-ee finishes her tea slowly, and I refill her cup (after taking a sip of it myself). The pallor is gone from her cheeks, and they seem to be rosy underneath the layer of dirt. At first, I thought she was dirty because she was slovenly, but now I wonder. Is the dirt another thing she has learned because of her past? The other humans are quick to take advantage of bathing, but Ell-ee does not. I vow to find out, but it will take more time. And I will not rush her. She can have all of the time she needs, my sweet mate.
I will be at her side making sure she is safe and protected through all of it.
After she drinks her tea, she seems reluctant to talk more. That is fine; she has said more words to me than she has said to anyone else in all of the days she has been here. I take a bite from another cake of trail rations and offer it to her, and she devours it eagerly. I try not to stare at her as she eats, but it is not easy. I want to devour her features, want to memorize them
for every small detail. Will she smile if she eats something sweetly pleasant, like the hraku the other humans are so fond of? I decide I will get some for her, along with fresh meat. Not today, though. I am not leaving her side.
She finishes the cake and fights a yawn.
“Lie down and rest,” I tell her, picking up my spear and settling across from her, the fire between us. “I need to sharpen my weapons for tomorrow’s hunting.”
Ell-ee pulls the furs close to her and props her head up on one arm. Her eyes close, and I watch her for a moment before picking up my sharpening stone and running it along the thin bone edge of my spearhead.
“Can I go with you? Tomorrow?”
Her words are so soft I think I imagine them for a moment, but when I look up, she is watching me.
“Hunting?” I am surprised she asks.
Ell-ee nods. “I like…outside.”
“Then we shall go together, if you are strong enough.”
She nods again and closes her eyes.
I do not sleep much that night. I am too afraid that I will wake and Ell-ee will be gone. That this will all be a dream and when I open my eyes, I will be as alone as before. But she stays, and in the morning, she awakens, her eyes a little brighter than before. I smile at her and do not even mind her ripe scent because it tells me that she is here. I do not mind that her dirty fingers brush over mine, because we are touching.
I make Ell-ee tea, and we have more cakes for breakfast. She seems stronger this day, her expression more alert, and once we finish eating she pulls on her boots and begins to lace them to her calves, readying to go out.
“You are strong enough?” I ask her. “Not feeling faint?”
She gives me a firm little nod that tells me she’s fine, and so I put the fire out and ready my weapons.
“Ho,” someone calls from outside the cave.
Ell-ee stiffens. I want to groan in annoyance. It is my chief. If he has come to steal my mate away from me, I will… I look at her small form, her eyes wide, and I blow out a breath of frustration. I will let her go, I suppose, because I do not wish to alarm her. “Wait here,” I tell her. “It is Vektal. I will see what he wants.”
She gives me a little nod and remains in the furs, waiting by the firepit.
I emerge from the cave and head out to greet my chief. Vektal has a pack on his back and his oldest daughter, Talie, with him. I am happy to see that—it means this visit will be both friendly and brief. “My chief,” I greet him.
“Bek,” he greets me evenly. “I should like to speak to you for a moment.”
It is on the tip of my tongue to ask if he is not shunning me this day, but I do not wish to be unpleasant in front of a kit. “Of course.” I smile at Talie, who looks more like Shorshie than her father today, her brown curls tied up in two twists atop her head. “Ell-ee is inside the cave. Will you go say hello to her?”
“Of course,” Talie says in that direct, firm tone I have heard from Shorshie so many times. She smiles up at her father, then releases his hand and races toward the cave entrance, all kit once more.
Vektal’s expression is soft as he watches his daughter and then grows neutral as he looks to me again. “Ell-ee chose to stay with you?” His words are mild, but I know the question behind them—am I pushing her to stay because I want it, not because she wants it?
I feel a flare of irritation but push it aside. He is simply being chief. “It is true.” I switch to sa-khui instead of the human English and tell my chief of Ell-ee and Erevair’s appearances and Ell-ee’s collapse. When his expression grows concerned, I explain to him her lack of eating and her strange mannerisms. How she will only eat after I have taken a bite. “Something has wounded her mind greatly in the past,” I tell him.
He nods slowly, expression thoughtful. “Shorshie said she worried as much. They saw some terrible things when they were taken, and she says bad things might have been done to Ell-ee. That when the others take slaves, they do not treat them like people.”
I frown at this. How else would they be treated? It is something I still do not understand. “Ell-ee is safe with me,” I tell him. “I know she is slow to trust, and I want her to have as much time as she needs.”
“Even with resonance?” my chief asks, arms crossing over his chest.
“Even so.”
He studies me. “I believe you…and I am glad you are being reasonable.”
I scowl at his words. “Why would I not be reasonable?”
“Why would I trust you to listen to reason after what you have done, Bek?” Vektal rubs a hand on his jaw and looks tired. “If you wanted a mate so badly, why did you not tell me of your plans? So we could work out the best possible way to handle it with the homeworlders?”
I clamp my jaw shut. I did not ask him because I knew he would say no. “I wanted a mate, and I did not care the consequences.”
“Exactly. The moment a mate is a possibility, every male in my tribe loses their heads.” He throws his hands up in the air. “What am I to do as your leader? Let you upset half the tribe with your actions? Do as you please even if it causes harm?”
“You were right to have the tribe shun me,” I tell him. “Though I think it is a stupid punishment, you had to do something.” I have had many days to think about this. If he had not exiled me, perhaps he would be chasing down Taushen, Harrec, Warrek and Vaza after they had stolen females. If there were no rules, none of the females were safe. “You did what you felt was necessary.”
Vektal just stares at me. Then he moves forward and puts his hand on my brow.
I jerk away. “What are you doing?”
“Are you fevered? Where is this reasonable Bek coming from?” He tries to touch my brow again.
I slap at his hands. “He is about to stick a spear up your nethers.”
He just grins at me, dropping his hands to his sides. “You did a good thing, retrieving Erevair. It almost makes up for your actions with the females. Almost. Have you decided to apologize yet?”
I still think demanding an apology is foolishness, but if it will make the tribe happy, I will do so just to quiet them. “Not yet,” I tell him. At his surprised look, I add, “Not because I am unwilling, but because I wish to spend some time alone with my Ell-ee. Perhaps if we are away from the tribe a bit longer, she will learn to trust me.”
Vektal nods slowly. “And perhaps resonance will be fulfilled?”
The idea seems so very far away from where we are right now. He does not realize how much of a gift it is simply to feel the touch of Ell-ee’s hand. Mating with her seems as close as the stars themselves. “I am prepared to wait.”
He claps a hand on my shoulder. “That is a good answer, my friend.” He glances over and calls out, “Talie, come. We are leaving.”
A moment later, Talie skips out of the cave, all bouncing curls and swishing furs. “I am ready, Papa!”
Vektal holds his hand out. “How is Ell-ee?”
Clever chief, to send his little daughter in so I cannot protest, and so Ell-ee will not be scared. “She is stinky,” Talie says cheerfully. “But I saw her smile.”
I am hit with a furious bolt of envy at that. Ell-ee smiled…and I was not there to see it.
Vektal nods again. “Good. Come, we will set some traps and see what we can catch, yes?” At her happy nod, Vektal raises a hand to me. “Return when you are ready, my friend.”
I nod, arms crossed over my chest as I watch my chief and his daughter leave. Then I turn back to the cave. Ell-ee is there waiting for me in the entryway, my spear in her hands.
And I am filled with pride and joy at the sight of her. I will get her smiles soon enough. I can be patient until then.
10
BEK
ONE WEEK LATER
“Eat,” I tell Ell-ee. “You have only had three cakes this morning.” I take a bite out of the cake in my hand—cake number four—and then hold it out to her.
She bares her teeth at me in a mock snarl, but takes the cak
e from me anyway and eats it with slow, reluctant bites, her look mutinous.
I just smile, pleased. Every chance I get, I push food into Ell-ee’s hands. I make sure she eats several times a day, and I watch which meals she prefers to see what I should feed her next. It seems that my mate enjoys fresh meat—and unlike most humans, will eat it raw—and so we go hunting every day to ensure she has good food for her belly that night.
My mate still does not talk much, but she is becoming more relaxed with me. Now, when I push too much, she does not flinch. She lets me know her displeasure. She sleeps fitfully sometimes, but she has not tried to run, and she eats everything…as long as I take a bite out of it first. The hollow look is slowly fading from her eyes, and it seems to me that she is already putting on weight, which makes me happy. If she were as plump as Mah-dee, I would be greatly pleased. Mah-dee is very healthy and strong. Even as I think this, though, I do not care if she remains as small and fragile as she is, as long as she is healthy.
I am learning my mate’s personality, too. She loves the outdoors. Snow does not deter her, nor does a sudden storm. If anything, I think she likes the bad weather more than the good. She loves a high breeze, she loves the sun on her face, and more than anything, she loves the stars at night. Sometimes she wanders out of the front of the cave and sits in the entryway just so she can gaze up at the stars. I join her, just to be at her side. To me, they are nothing but lights in the sky, but she can stare at them for hours.
Even more pleasing, my Ell-ee loves to go hunting. She is not good with a spear, but she loves to walk for hours and take the trails with me. She is patient, and her hands delicate, and she has learned to set some of the easier snares. I am proud of how clever she is, how willing to learn. I enjoy the company, too. She walks at my side tirelessly through the day, though at night she is quick to fall asleep, exhausted. She is smart when it comes to hunting, as well, staying out of the way when an animal flees, or handing me the right weapon when I must change tactics at a moment’s notice.