“You make it sound so easy,” I tell him. “I was angry enough with Addison to let my rage drive me to say and do the things I did, but in reality, I don’t know if I can be that strong all the time.” I look down and fidget with my fingers.
“That’s where my tattoos come in.” Miller scoots away from me and takes his shirt off. I have to admit that Addy was right about his tattoos making him hotter.
“What do they all mean?” I ask, scanning the top of his back and shoulders, and down his arm.
“Well … I’d be lying if I said they all had some deep and prolific meaning,” he chuckles. “It took a butterfly and two flowers before I stopped wagering tattoos on pool games, and when I had to admit that I was terrible at pool. There’s one that’s an inside joke between me and Mikey, and one girl’s name. I was very drunk that night and I’ve since had it turned into something else.”
“What about the others?”
“The others? They’re truths. Truths about who I am. Truths about what those who matter most have to say about me. And reminders that my life is precious and not to be wasted.” Miller opens his arm, revealing the tattoo of the girl. “This is Kara, and that’s what she’s here to remind me of.” She looks young and beautiful with dirty blonde hair neatly straightened and disappearing behind her shoulders. It looks like a school picture. I can’t help but wonder how long before she took her life was she sitting and smiling sweetly like this.
“Tell me about the rest of them,” I request with a quiet voice as I trace my fingers over different designs and words.
Miller smiles softly as he takes my hand and places it on his chest over his heart where the word kairos is written in thick block letters. I feel his heartbeat and mine starts racing. I catch his eye and it feels like this is one of those moments that could turn into something else if we aren’t careful. Not that I necessarily want to be careful. “This is a Greek word for time. Not chronological time, but the right moment or opportunity. It reminds me that I have to recognize the moments that come along that are almost divine, or serendipitous. Really, every moment has the potential to be a kairos moment.”
My eyes graze over his arm and up to his elbow. Just above the bend is a sentence that encircles his arm with a thick line above and below it. “My suffering does not define who I am,” I read aloud.
“That’s to remind me that I am more than a guy who had parents who should have never had kids. I’m more than ‘the brother of that girl who killed herself.’” His voice is strong and confident and it makes me hopeful for my recovery. “This one, though … this one is my favorite.” Miller runs his finger down the inside of his forearm. Among all of the other words and designs everywhere else on his arm, this is a single line, seemingly set apart.
“I have nothing to prove, and only one to please.” I lower my chin to my chest. “I’ve spent my whole life trying to prove myself to Addison. I don’t know what it feels like to have nothing to prove.”
“Kinley.” Miller turns to face me completely and takes my face in his hands. “There is only one person you have to please. As long as that’s happening, screw everyone else, even me. You will never hear me tell you that you have to be anything other than who you are. You were made perfectly and it’s not anyone on this earth’s job to change you. In fact, I’d prefer that you stay exactly as you are forever.”
Miller’s eyes dive into mine and the only thing I want to do is pick back up to the moments before I caught Cal with Tiffany. Once again, Miller Conrad has found a way to reach in and quench my thirsty soul. I try to think of some way I can thank him for being the first person to give me permission to breathe. I say the first thing that comes to mind and hope it conveys everything I want it to.
“Green light.”
Miller smiles and his lips are on mine in a second. His kiss is warm and comforting. It’s soft and passionate, and as our lips move together I feel a rush of excitement bolt through my whole body. I reach up and put my hand on his chest over his kairos tattoo. The way that Miller is holding and kissing me definitely feels like a divine moment.
This is an entirely different feeling than when I kissed Cal. Every feeling with Miller is different than with Cal. I’m not afraid of Miller’s hands on me. I’m not worried that when he moved his hand to my waist that he felt the little roll there and is just waiting until he can move it to someplace that feels sexier. And I know that Miller is kissing me because he wants to, not because he’s doing me some grand favor. This is the kiss I’ve been waiting for my whole life.
Tears sting my eyes as the culmination of all my thoughts peaks inside me: I don’t have to settle. I can have everything I ever wanted and more. I can do more than just survive, and I’m going to do just that. I’m not only going to survive this, I’m going to destroy it so it never happens to me again.
Chapter 12
Miller and I talked and kissed until dark. Neither of us had a flashlight so we talked until it was so dark you couldn’t see your hand in front of your face on the moonless night. We could have never made it back to The Lodge in the dark, so at some point we fell asleep. It was chilly in the night but Miller’s arms kept me warm. We didn’t say anything when we woke with the sun. We just stayed exactly as we were and watched the sunrise together again.
It’s true what they say about things becoming clearer in the morning. There’s something about a good night’s sleep that enables you to allow your body and mind time to calm down. It’s hard to see things as they are when your emotions are freaking out. I know I’ll have to talk calmly with Addison, and apologize for how I handled things. I won’t apologize for being furious at what she did to me; she needed to know how what she did shattered me.
“Good morning, sunshine,” Miller says to me with a kiss to the top of my head.
“Good morning,” I reply, leaning into him a little more. He pulls me in and I feel his arm tighten around me. This is the safest I think I have ever felt. I really don’t want this to ever end.
“I guess we should get back. How are you feeling this morning?” Miller asks as we separate ourselves from each other.
“I feel … okay. Now that the height of the situation has passed, and my emotional roller coaster has stopped, I think I can handle things with Addy. I’ll need to talk with her again at some point. She may have completely betrayed me, but she’s my sister. I owe it to her to tell her I’m walking away from our dysfunctional relationship,” I tell him. I arch and twist my back to work out the kink that formed in the night. The ramifications of leaning against Miller as he leaned against a boulder all night are not fun.
“Do you need me to do anything?” he asks.
“Maybe just be there with me? I don’t know what she’s going to say or do and my ability to filter out the chatter that is Addison is only hours old.” I pause for a moment, needing to say something to Miller but not sure how to say it. “Miller, um … it could be a while before I’m able to fight off those voices … the chatter. The green light is super bright, but I want to give you an out if you’re not feeling up to …”
Miller cuts me off by taking me in his arms and holding me. “Shut up, Kinley. I’m here for you and I don’t have any plans of leaving you to wade through the battlefield of your mind all by yourself. In fact, I don’t really have any plans of leaving … period.”
“This is also a new concept for me, so, as long as you’re going to stick around, be patient. I know I’ll get there, but it’s going to be an uphill battle.” I tighten my hold around Miller’s waist and soak in the happiness.
I pull out my ponytail and tie it up again three or four times before I get it so there aren’t lumpy pieces mountaining across my head. Miller gets slightly impatient with how long it’s taking me because it’s keeping him from being able to hold my hand. My heart flutters with each of his exasperated breaths.
We stop when The Lodge comes into view, both knowing that we’re about to enter a tense situation. I don’t know if Addy is going to be r
ude and completely oblivious, or if by some miracle she’s thought about what she did to me and has any repentance in her heart for how she hurt me. I’m fairly sure Cal feels terrible about the whole thing, so I’m not concerned I need to be worried about how Miller will respond to him. But I behaved so crazily in front of everyone that I’m now feeling embarrassed. It was totally out of character for me and I’m sure I’m about to get some looks.
Miller tightens his grip on my hand and I nod at him as we take the first steps forward.
No one is really up yet so we step quietly into the house. When we reach the top of the stairs Mia is coming out of the bathroom.
“So I guess the idea of giving up your V card in the woods wasn’t as bad an idea as you originally thought,” she says, giving us the onceover with narrow eyes.
“Back off, Mia. It’s not what you think,” Miller says, defending us even though there’s nothing to defend.
“Hey, I’m not judging. You can screw around with whoever you want. I mean, you could have done Cal Harper, but …” she begins again.
“Shut up, Mia. Leave my sister alone,” I hear Addy say from her bedroom door. I turn and make eye contact with her, searching for more of where her defense of me came from. Her face is soft, almost defeated, and that makes me happy. It means that there is some hope that she’s on her way to understanding.
“Whatever,” Mia says as she scoots past me and Miller and walks into her room.
I don’t say anything to Addy. It’s not the time or the place to get back into it with her, even if it would be a much more clam approach. I take Miller’s hand and walk to the end of the hall where my room is. I creek the door open and see Amy asleep on her bed and Pete, Bridget, Carrie, and Matthew scattered around the room between the floor and my bed.
“Don’t let it be said that you don’t have any friends,” Miller chuckles.
“Oh my God! Where have you been?” Amy says loudly as she bolts upright in her bed.
“Holy crap, Amy!” Matthew scolds.
“What the hell?” Pete says as he pulls my pillow over his face on my bed.
Bridget rolls over on the floor in her makeshift bed and sees me. “Kinley! You’re okay! We were so worried!”
At hearing my name, the others twist and turn and stretch to try and wake up. They slowly sit up and the questioning begins. “Did you get lost or something?” Carrie asks.
“No, I didn’t get lost. I left the pavilion and walked to the spot where Miller and I watched the sunrise last week. Then, Miller found me there,” I tell them with a smile on my face. “It got dark and neither of us had a flashlight, so we were kind of stuck out there.”
“Are you okay?” Pete asks me. “Is she okay?” he immediately reiterates to Miller.
“She can answer for herself, but I think she’s doing great,” he answers, squeezing my hand.
“I am doing great. Between Amy’s motherly psych session and Miller’s advice, I think I’m going to be better than I ever have been, actually,” I tell him.
“’Cuz I can grab Dave and we can kick anyone’s ass that needs to be kicked. Seriously, Kin … Cal’s kind of overdue.” Pete stands up and stretches his back and neck like he’s preparing for a fight.
“There will be no ass-kicking, but I appreciate the gesture. I really just want to close out the last week and a half here on as high a note as I possibly can. So, just keep being awesome friends and that’s definitely going to happen.” Hugs go all around and Pete and Matthew leave me with the girls and Miller.
“I’m going to take a shower,” he says to me. “I’ll see you at breakfast, okay?”
“I’ll save you a seat,” I tell him. Miller kisses me on the top of my head and closes the door behind him.
“Alright. Spill it, girl! What happened out there?” Bridget asks anxiously.
I smile and laugh at her excitement, then sit on my bed that now smells like Pete after a day of hiking. Lovely.
“There are no juicy details to spill,” I tell them. “I was really upset and Miller came to help.”
“And now you two are an item?” Amy asks with wide eyes.
“Wait. What?” Carries say. “How did I miss that?”
“They were standing here holding hands! How did you miss that?” Bridget chimes.
“Yes, I guess you could say we’re an item,” I blush.
“How did that happen? I mean, things were intense out at the pavilion, and Cal looked pretty bad.” Bridget sits on my bed and crosses her legs. “What went down out there?”
“You didn’t tell them?” I ask Amy.
“I just told them Addison added the final straw and you were fighting back,” she answers. “I only know what Pete told me anyway. So…what’s the story?”
“Addy asked Cal to do her a favor and show some interest in me. She was pulling the strings the whole time. He was never into me. I wasn’t really feeling it anyway and was on my way to break things off with him when I ran into Miller. I told him how I felt about him but I didn’t feel right doing anything about it until I had talked to Cal. Turns out I didn’t have to talk to Cal because we caught him and Tiffany going at it in a canoe,” I tell them. Feigned looks of shock paint their faces when I tell them about Cal’s cheating. “Alright, alright. Yes. You were all right about Cal being a total douchebag. The worst part was that he and I had been good friends and he let Addy manipulate him into lying to me. He ruined everything because he listened to her. Part of me, though, wants to cut him some slack because I know just how manipulative Addison can be. It can be hard to say no to her.”
“I’m sorry it went down the way it did, but I’m not sorry it went down,” Bridget says. “You deserve so much better than Cal, and you deserve better than Addison. I know she’s your sister, but that doesn’t mean you have to take her crap.”
“I think I know that now,” I say with a smile.
“And it looked like Miller helped you realize that,” Carrie says, nudging me on the bed. “What’s the scoop on that?”
“He did.” I try to keep from grinning like a fool, but it’s hard not to. “He’s really awesome. He likes me for who I am. He even told me not to change at all. That was right before he kissed me.” Squeals erupt from the girls and for the first time I’m the focus of a Grease-like “Tell Me More” performance. They ask about the details and I give them the highlights. I keep most of the details of our conversation to myself because most of it was so personal for both of us. But I don’t hold back too much when I describe what an amazing feeling it was to be really kissed by Miller.
“I’m so happy for you, Kinley,” Amy says. “You totally deserve this.”
“Thanks. You guys have really been there for me. I’m going to miss you when we’re all gone again. I think we’ll have to start using Skype so we can all talk together!”
We make promises about staying in better touch this year before getting ourselves together for the day. Miller and I end up almost colliding at the bottom of the stairs in The Lodge on our way out. Laughing, he takes my hand and we walk with our friends to breakfast. Cal approaches me and barely gets my name out before Miller looks at him and simply says, “Don’t.” Avoiding a conflict, Cal just nods and walks away.
Breakfast is uneventful. Addy and Cal take their places at their usual table, leaving me and my friends completely alone. Cal looks rough. Unlike Addison, I can see he feels badly about what happened. He’s quiet and his eyes are dark, like he didn’t get any sleep. She doesn’t look at me once, but is back to her fake Addison self, laughing and smiling and pushing her boobs in Alan’s face. If they haven’t already, she’ll bed him before the week is out.
I used to look at Addy and wish I had her confidence. There’s no way I’d take even an ounce of it now. Miller was right. Her confidence is all a farce as she overcompensates. It’s sad, really. There’s so much potential for Addison to be more than she is. I wonder how she would feel if I started trying to mold and shape her into being more like me. Well,
more like the person I’m becoming. That would be an interesting turn of events.
*****
I’ve been trying to catch up with Margaret for a few days. Now that things have calmed down and I’m on the other side of the Addy and Cal explosion, I feel mentally stable enough to talk to, well, most people. I kept quiet for a day or so just to get my bearings. There were occasions where I had to really stop and ask myself if I was doing or not doing something based on what I had been trained to do or not do by Addison. Getting dressed was an issue. I usually just pulled out outfits that Addy put together whether I liked them or not. I was a hot mess for two days, but once I slowed down and took my time picking things out, I didn’t do too badly.
“There’s my little wordsmith!” I say to Margaret as I find her coming out of the dining hall. “Finish your toothpick replica of the Eifel Tower already?”
“We’re making pretty stamped stationary today since we all leave in a few days. I’m kind of sad, which I wasn’t expecting to feel. My cabin mates and I have grown very close. We definitely have a strong mizpah,” she says.
“I’m guessing that has something to do with friendship?” I speculate at the meaning of the strange word she’s used.
“Oh, that’s close!” she says excitedly at my quasi interpretation. “It’s a deep, emotional bond between people, especially those separated by distance. The girls all live so far away from me. I’m afraid I’ll never see them again. They were all so kind to me. Kinder than any of the girls at home every have been.” Margaret twists her mouth to the side as she considers the life she’s going home to.
“Can I give you a little advice that I just got from some very wise friends?” Margaret nods and smiles hopefully. “Shut out all the voices that don’t affirm who you are. Unless they’re saying things that are reminding you of how smart and wonderful and worthy you are, they aren’t worth listening to.”
As I Am Page 17