As I Am

by AnnaLisa Grant

  “Kinley,” Cal says softly, stepping toward me. “Can we talk?”

  “I don’t know that we have anything to talk about.” I squat down to where my camera bag is sitting on the ground begin to pack my camera. It’s mainly a diversion tactic so I don’t have to look at Cal.

  “Please.”

  Zipping the bag closed, I give myself a second before I stand and face him. His confident stance has been replaced with drooping shoulders. His hands are in his pockets and he’s shuffling his feet nervously.

  “What do you want, Cal?”

  “I just wanted to tell you again how sorry I am … about everything. I should never have gone along with Addison’s plan. I really liked you, Kinley. I never had such a good friend who was a girl. Most girls I know aren’t interested in being my friend. They see a Notre Dame football player and they want the status that comes with being associated with that. You never wanted anything from me. I’m sorry that I ruined that.” Cal takes his hands from his pockets and takes my left hand in both of his. “I also know that I ruined things with Miller in more ways than one. I really do wish I could take all of it back. But … I can’t, so the best I can hope for is that one day you’ll forgive me. Whatever I have to do to earn your forgiveness, I’ll do it.”

  Cal’s once-powerful voice has become drenched with remorse and I think it’s the first time I’ve ever been on the receiving end of a truly repentant apology. I search his eyes, looking for the selfish loophole I usually find in Addy’s eyes when she apologizes to me, but I don’t see one. All I see is regret.

  I thought I wanted to stay angry at Cal for what he did to me, and maybe even for what happened with Kara, even though I defended him, but I can’t. I can’t listen to his tone or search his eyes and feel anything but better. It doesn’t fix what happened, but at least I know that he’s sincere in his remorse.

  “Thank you,” I say with a sigh of just a little relief. “I think I can do that. What I need is time, though. I’m kind of beginning to find my own way, and I’m afraid if I don’t disconnect from the things that distracted me from paying attention to that before, that I’ll get lost again.” I take my hand from its place tucked between Cal’s and give him a crooked smile.

  “I can understand that. Just promise me that you’ll rediscover the girl I spent the year emailing. She’s awesome and I really want to be friends with her again.”

  “I liked that girl, too. She gives me hope.” I hesitantly step forward and into Cal’s arms. It’s also a step toward starting over. I want the friendship Cal and I had before Addy barged in, and choosing to forgive him is the only way I can even begin to hope for that. My choice. The first of many to come.

  Chapter 15

  Three months go by terribly slow when you’re trying to do things you’ve never done before. It wasn’t until I was moving out of my and Addy’s dorm that I realized how much I had really relied on her. I was attempting a purge of some things, as one does when they move, but I felt overwhelmed at not knowing what I should keep or toss. Some of the things I was torn over were things I wasn’t sure I even liked, but I had them because Addy said I needed them. Whether it was a table lamp or a piece of clothing, I looked at some things and squinted my eyes in confusion.

  I only feel slightly bad about leaving Addy at Lake Hollis the way I did. Amy agreed to take me to the train station and I made her promise we’d leave on the first shuttle to the main gate. Some counselors have to take an early train to the airport so Jim starts shuttling at seven a.m. I said goodbye to my friends the night before and asked them not to tell Addison I was leaving that early. I didn’t expect a single one of them to get up and quietly meet Amy and me outside the next morning, but that’s exactly what they did.

  “Promise to call?” Matthew said as he hugged me.

  “Will you be off the phone with Jeffrey long enough to take another call?” I joked.

  “We’ll see.” He smirked.

  I hugged Carrie and Bridget and we did our best not to tear up. “Are you sure you don’t want me to go get Addison?” Carrie asked. “You don’t want to regret anything, Kinley.”

  “I’m not leaving her forever. I just need to put some distance between us. She knows what she has to do to make this right. In the meantime, I’m going to do what I have to do,” I told her.

  When I got to Pete, I knew exactly what he was going to say. “So if I ever see Miller I have your permission to kick his ass?” he smiled.

  “You may not kick his ass,” I laughed softly. “Everyone has crap that they have to deal with. He’s just figuring out his crap.”

  “I hope he figures it out fast because now that your eyes are open, it won’t take long before some other guy steps in. And there’s a strong possibility it’ll be me,” he said.

  “That’s sweet of you to say,” I told him. “It means a lot to me.” I wrapped my arms around Pete’s middle and let him envelop me with his. I don’t know if I’ll ever see Pete as more than a friend, but it’s nice to feel so safe with him.

  “Let’s go, Kin, or you’re going to miss the next train,” Amy said. I was on my way to climbing into the van with Amy and two others when I saw Cal sitting on the steps to porch. I didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye, so I sat down next to him.

  “I thought about what you said the other day,” I told him. “I don’t want you to worry. We’ll get back what we had.”

  Cal lets out a sigh and puts his arm around me. I lean into him and rest my head on his shoulder. “I’m really glad to hear that, Kinley. I didn’t like the thought of us not being friends.”

  “Well, like I said, don’t worry. Um … can I ask you what was in your letter from Miller?” I asked. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but, if I’m honest, I’m dying to know.”

  I was dying to know if Miller said anything about me. I got an ambiguous “this isn’t goodbye” from him in mine, and I just wanted to see if he gave Cal any indication of how he felt about me.

  “He actually said he didn’t blame me, which I’m still trying to believe. I don’t know that I’ll ever not feel responsible for what happened to Kara.”

  “Cal …”

  “No, I know. It’s just going to take some time.” He gave a little chuckle. “So I guess you and I are going to be great friends with time. Think we’ll come out on the other side ahead?”

  “Definitely.” I kissed Cal on the cheek and left him sitting on the porch steps, feeling confident that the friendship we once had could one day be restored. I wish I had the same confidence in my and Addy’s relationship.

  I went straight to campus that day and filed the necessary request to change dorms. As luck would have it, there were three that had just become available by students who would not be returning to school. I pulled out the map of the city campus and chose the closest one to the building I have most of my classes in. It’ll be a nice change from walking seven blocks to class because I had to live in the dorm Addy chose, which was closest to her classes.

  Dad tried to convince me to stay with Addy, but I told him it was really her idea in the first place when she decided it was time for us to not room together at Lake Hollis. Since Dad is clueless when it comes to me and Addy, and it wasn’t going to cost him any more, he let it go.

  It’s been two months since I’ve seen or spoken to my sister. She texted and said I had left a few things behind in our dorm. I would have waited until she was not there to go pick them up, but I had to turn my key into Housing when I moved. It was a quick exchange of my backup ear buds and a pair of socks Addy said were mine. She asked how I was doing and I could say with confidence that I was doing great. A month of clearing the chatter she filled my head with had done wonders. And I had already connected with my new roommate, Marissa, really well.

  “In fact,” I told her, “I’m on my way to meet up with Marissa now, so I can’t stay.”

  “That’s great, Kin,” she said. Her tone was different. Not defensive or pretentiou
s like it could be. “I know it’s couple of months away, but I’m still hoping you’ll be at my mid-semester show. It looks better for us if we have a lot of people there. I mean, you don’t have to come if you don’t want to, but I’m hoping that by then you will. It would really mean a lot to me if you were there.” I looked at Addy and could see that something was happening inside her. She didn’t use words like “family” or “obligated” or “duty.”

  “Oh, yeah … um … I don’t know. You can email me the date and I’ll check my calendar,” I told her honestly.

  With a small smile she said, “That’d be great.”

  I left that day not necessarily intending to let two months go by without really communicating with my sister. I just kind of fell into this new groove of my own and have been happily exploring this world without being joined to Addison’s hip. I don’t have a ton of time between school and the freelance jobs I’ve been getting, so it’s nice to fill that time with things I want to do.

  Today I’m filling that time in my favorite coffee shop. I’ve got a chai tea latte in one hand and a book in the other. Marissa and our friend Samantha are meeting me later and we’re going to go to a movie, or shopping, or both.

  “Excuse me?” a tall guy with dark hair to his shoulders says to me. I look up and raise my eyebrows in acknowledgement of him. “Are you using this chair? I mean, are you saving it?”

  “Oh, no, I’m not. It’s all yours!” I smile and go back to my book.

  “Uh, hey … I’m sorry to bother you again, but, um … aren’t you in Pendleton’s class on Mondays and Wednesdays?” he asks.

  “Yeah,” I tell him, biting my lip when I realize he recognizes me but I have no clue who he is.

  “I thought I’d seen you before. I’m Jared.” Jared extends his hand to me and smiles. It takes me a second to reciprocate, but when I do he shakes my hand a few more times than is necessary.

  “I’m Kinley. It’s nice to meet you,” I tell him.

  “Maybe we can meet for coffee and study sometime,” he suggests with a smile. He’s cute, in an unrefined way. Precisely the kind of guy Addy would say is beneath her, and exactly the kind of date that would be a huge test to see how far Addy has come, if at all.

  “Maybe.” I surprise myself and smile flirtatiously at him. He nods with a grin and takes the seat he wanted from my table over to his waiting friends.

  That was interesting. Normally Addy would shoo away a guy like that because he doesn’t fit her GQ standards. I thought he was cute. Would I really go out with this guy? I haven’t heard from Miller since he left Lake Hollis and I’m beginning to think I’m never going to hear from him again. I miss him and really wish he would get in touch with me. I don’t want to rush him, though. I mean, he’s been through so much and then to discover what he did about Kara … It’s a lot. I’m sure it’s going to take a while before he can look at me and not feel like I betrayed him by defending Cal.

  I told Marissa about Miller. She’s a hopeless romantic so she thinks I should just go down to SCAD and tell him how it’s going to be. “We’re together and that’s all there is to it!” she said I should tell him. She even said I should pull out the Notting Hill line about being a girl standing in front of a boy. Samantha, on the other hand, says that Miller gave up his spot when he walked out and that I need to move on. It doesn’t matter that I told her Miller had a serious family issue he had to deal with. If she were here she would have already found a way to put my number in Jared’s phone. Either way, the bottom line is that I’m not really over Miller, and no amount of flirting with a guy in a coffee shop is going to speed that up.

  “I don’t think that guy really wants to study,” I hear a familiar voice say. I turn around and find Cal Harper standing behind me. He’s wearing a suit and looks hotter than I have ever seen him. I catch his eyes with mine and, just like that, the distance that I’ve put between Lake Hollis and now has made everything better. I immediately put my book down and bolt up to hug him. On my toes I’m able to wrap my arms around his neck and I hold on for what feels like dear life. “Wow. This is an even better response than I was hoping for!”

  “What are you doing here?” I say with a hint of a squeal. “Sit down! Sit down!”

  “I’m in town for a consulting job,” he explains. “I was going to email you about being in town but I wasn’t sure how that would go over.”

  “I’m sorry I haven’t emailed or anything,” I say apologetically. “I feel just terrible about it, especially since the second I turned around and saw you I was filled with this ridiculous amount of joy. I don’t think I realized how much I missed you until this very moment.”

  “It’s okay, Kinley. Sometimes fate is in charge. I walked into this coffee shop on a whim and here you are.” Cal smiles at me and pulls his leg up to rest his ankle on his knee. “How are things going?”

  “Great, actually. I moved out of the dorm with Addy and I have a great new roommate, Marissa. She’s awesome and we’re great friends. School is good, and I’ve got some prints around town at different coffee shops and wine bars. In fact, I got an email yesterday from one of them saying that I had sold the largest framed print I had there. You’re going to laugh, but … it was one of the moonlight ones you helped me with.” A warm feeling revisits as I recall that night with Cal.

  “I know. I was there when it was purchased. I kind of told the guy he should buy it because I knew the photographer personally and that when she’s famous he’ll want to say he owns one of her very first pieces.” Cal gives me a wide smile. “I hope you don’t mind.”

  “Mind? I’m grateful! You really are a great friend. Thank you for that.”

  “Have you … .heard from Miller?” he asks hesitantly. It’s a sensitive question but I would have been shocked if he walked out of here and didn’t ask.

  “No,” is all I can say.

  “Have you tried getting in touch with him?”

  “No. When he’s ready … if he’s ever ready, he’ll let me know.”

  “Kinley, you know‒‒”

  “He’ll let me know, Cal,” I say, cutting him off. I can’t force Miller into something he’s not ready to revisit. He said it wasn’t goodbye, so he at least has some intention of seeing me again … one day. “Can I ask how you’re doing?” I say, redirecting the conversation with a tone that hopefully explains my deeper meaning of wanting to know how Cal is dealing with the Kara issue.

  “I’m … okay,” he replies, seeing no benefit in arguing with me. “I’ve started going to therapy, which is about six or seven years late, but, better late than never, I guess. It’s helping. It’s a process,” he says.

  “I’m happy for you, Cal.” I smile and sigh and look to move away from the heavy discussion. “So, how long are you in town?”

  “My meetings are over this afternoon and I fly out tomorrow morning. Can you have dinner with me tonight?”

  “I would love to have dinner with you tonight,” I tell him excitedly. “Give me your phone and I’ll put your number in.”

  “Great! I’ll call you around six.” Cal checks my contact in his phone and then puts it back in his pocket. “I’ve gotta get back, but I can’t wait to see you tonight.”

  We stand and I give Cal a long hug, feeling grateful to fate for stepping in and bringing him into this coffee shop of all the ones he could have chosen. Cal goes to the counter and orders a regular coffee as evidenced by how quickly he’s walking back toward me. Before he reaches me, he stops and leans over into the guy who wanted my extra chair’s ear and whispers something to him. Jared looks at Cal and then looks at me before turning his attention back to his friends.

  “What did you say to him?” I ask Cal as he walks past me.

  “I told him you were out of his league.” I roll my eyes at Cal’s silliness. “I should know. You’re out of mine.”

  I watch Cal walk through the door and down the sidewalk. My heart flutters with excited anticipation to see him again tonight. Not the ki
nd of heart-flipping excitement I felt when I was going to spend time with Miller, but the kind of happiness that fills your heart when you’re with a friend who seems to make everything better. Time has healed the wound between Cal and me and there’s not even a scar left behind.

  I read for another twenty minutes and smile kindly at Jared as he and his friends leave. I don’t think he’ll be suggesting a study date anytime soon, thanks to Cal, which is fine by me.

  When Marissa and Samantha arrive, they demand we immediately take a cab to the shopping district and spend more money than we should on things we don’t need. It sounds like a fun girls’ day out plan to me, so I take the last cold swig of my latte, and toss my book in my purse.

  “I think I might actually buy something today,” I say as we walk into our fourth store.

  “I’d just be happy if you’d try something on!” Marissa says as she pulls a silky top off the rack and holds it up against me. “I haven’t seen you try a single, solitary item on during any of our shopping trips!”

  It’s true. We’ve been shopping five or six times and I have yet to pull anything off a rack. I have several new headbands and accessories, but no new pieces of clothing. In my teenage and adult life I’ve never been shopping – for-real-I’m-buying-new-clothes shopping – with anyone but Addy. I guess I’m nervous that I’ll pick out something that won’t look good on me.

  What if I don’t remember the rules Addy taught me about what I should look for in cut and shape and color? What if I try something on and Marissa and Samantha laugh at my lack of style?

  I squeeze my eyes shut and imagine a soundproof wall going up around my head as the chattering voices come marching at me. My heart begins to race so I take in a big breath and let it out, long and slow. I suppose I should have anticipated a moment when the perfection of my recovery would hit a snag.