The tears I held came out with his last four words. How heartless could I be if I said no to him? “I love you too, Danny—forever.” He slipped the ring into my finger, stood up and before I could say anything, he kissed me. First tenderly, but once I gave in, our mouths fused into a passionate kiss. Food forgotten, he carried me to our room and made love to me. This time was different, it had more passion and the scenario scared me. I wasn’t sure if I had what it takes to love him that much without losing myself.
No, correction I needed to find who I was, before I could be the other side of a whole.
Chapter 21
I opened my eyes to a ruffling noise coming from the closet. The iPod dock marked five o’clock in the morning. Who the hell was awake so early? “Morning, little one.” Dan fixed his tie. He wore a dark gray suit, and his hair was still damp.
“Morning, baby.” I blew him a kiss.
“Ready, Brightmore?” Tyler’s voice came from outside the bedroom. “I swear this is worse than having a new born child.”
“What bit his behind?” I asked lazily, while indulging in the sight of my fiancé. He fitted perfectly on the front cover of a magazine. Perfectly shaved with damp hair and those penetrating eyes that I loved. It all made me want to beg him for a little rendezvous before he headed to the office.
“Woke him up early. We have a last minute meeting with one of the businesses in London.” Dan put on his jacket and walked towards the bed to give me a peck, but I captured his lips before he could retrieve. “Though I’d love to stay, I have to go, baby, before your brother explodes.”
It dawned on me. “Aw, it’s two in the morning California time, right?” No wonder he was in a foul mood. “He should go back home. Donna’s stable. God only knows how long she’ll be around, and his family misses him.”
Ashley had called me the night before, asking for her husband back. The time we’d spent together had solidified the sibling bond, but his family needed him. His wife was going crazy without him.
“I told him the same,” Dan said, “but he wants to be by your side when the inevitable happens. Which could be tomorrow or next year. That brings me to the conversation I had with Raj last night. I forgot to tell you.”
Raj needed to be reminded that Donna was my mom, not Dan’s. He should talk to me, not him. I should have been included, at least.
“How would she benefit from those tests?”
“They could try another round of radiation. Miracles can happen.” I frowned, because I thought they’d tried everything already. “Don’t look at me like that. He’s a doctor and likes to save people. Of course he wants to give your mom a try.”
I bit my cheek. On one hand, what would be the point of moving her when she was barely able to breathe? Then again, Raj was the doctor. I hated crossroads.
Then the images of her during her lucid moments overtook my decision. Donna ignored me, or ordered me to leave her side. I never fought her. I could have, but why submit myself to a painful scene?
“Let’s see how she does over the weekend.” I took a deep breath. “I don’t want to make the wrong choice, but if she’s better, then we’ll revisit Raj’s recommendations, and you can include Greg.”
Dan assessed me silently.
It scared me how well he knew me—better than I did. Even when I expertly hid my gloomy moods, the trick didn’t work with him. The thoughts of Donna’s impending death and my future exhausted me on a daily basis.
“Promise me you won’t blame yourself when she dies.” He cupped my chin and his eyes shone with anxiety.
I nodded.
“I’m afraid you’ll take up residence in Darkland and leave me here alone.”
After he left, instead of trying to go back to sleep, I moved from the comfort of the bed into the shower. There were some things that should be avoided before getting out of bed, and discussing your mother’s future was one of them. It would have been impossible to fall back asleep. After I got dressed, I moved to my office and opened the second drawer in search of my iPad, but found my journal instead. I had abandoned it, along with my therapist. I had told myself there were more pressing matters at the moment than giving time to the past, but really I just wanted to shove those memories back where I’d buried them.
I pulled it out of the drawer and flipped through it.
Dear Lisa,
Hey Lisa,
Lisa,
Long time no talk?
Dear Lisa,
I’m…
Several pages only had a greeting or a few lines. For the past few days—or weeks—nothing appeared to be relevant. As I turned the pages, I came across one full letter. It wasn’t written by me.
Lisa,
The more I think about the ways I could have helped you, the more I realize how much we messed up as a family. Maybe it all started back when you broke your arm and opened your head, using my skateboard without permission. Of course, they blamed me for leaving my dangerous toys around you. How dare they accuse me, for their lack of supervision? Their busy schedules stopped them from being parents. Dad always worked late, and Mom drifted away between her social events, her depression, and her medications.
“Give it to her,” they would say when you wanted something. “It’s your fault she broke her arm.”
For years, I had to bend over backwards to please you. They tried to make you happy by never saying no. When Mom died, Dad became impossible. He threw himself into his work, and left you with the nanny―who he screwed several times.
I fought with him, and begged him to get you help. “She doesn’t need it. You’re making things up. Leave her alone.” So many people complained about you—friends, total strangers, neighbors—but I confronted Dad again, and everything just escalated.
“Dad, she’s drinking hard and doing drugs,” I told him before leaving for college. “She’s fucking guys close to my age. She’s a little girl.”
Lisa, he knocked me out for being disrespectful, and I swore never to speak to him again. You told me several times to leave you alone. “I’m having fun. Mom would want me to be happy,” you said. Or, “I hate you, Tyler.” You cried the night I beat the hell out of the guy you were screwing in your room.
Dad came to me when he proposed to Donna Trent. “I’m making changes,” he said. “Donna has a nice daughter, and I know her influence will be good for Lisa.” I curse the day he imposed you on Becca. She became the little sister you always wanted… to torture.
We’re pretty close now. She’s the little sister I never had (You were more like the middle child). I regret not getting you help when Becca asked me to. And almost losing her, like I lost you. I don’t hate you, and I never will, but I hope you understand why I’ll never talk about you with my children. You’re a painful memory of my parents’ mistakes, and my own selfishness.
I hope your soul rests in peace.
Love,
Tyler
P.S. Becca, if you read this…. Whatever happened to privacy? I didn’t read your journal, though I should have. That’s what big brothers do, right? The bottom line is that I love you, and I’m here for you
Stumped, I stared at the journal for minutes—or hours. And read the letter at least five more times. Lisa’s childhood puzzled me. Did Greg marry my mom to give her stability? Or did he propose before deciding I’d be a good influence? Apparently, I didn’t reform her. There were a few times at the beginning of the marriage, when he’d suggested we went and hung out at the mall, or watched a movie.
“You’re talking silly,” Mom would intervene. “I’ll take Lisa to the SPA, or let’s do some shopping.”
Mom left me behind, as usual. Rebecca doesn’t like spas, she’d say. Or, she hates the mall. I’d never set a foot in a spa. Yes, I hated window-shopping, because I didn’t have money. A whole study of what came first—Lisa’s dislike for me, or her wicked ways—could have taken up an entire eight-hundred-page book. The girl had arrived with her own set of problems. Moving in with us didn’t
make her a druggie or an alcoholic. Was hooking up with Ian the reason her issues magnified? Ian, a guy who played two different roles and tricked everyone around him.
Donna’s ulterior motive behind keeping Lisa and me separated, puzzled me—bothered me. One of the multiple secrets she’d take with her.
I pulled out some courage and went across the hall to talk to Greg. He might have a few answers for me.
“Hey, Greg!” To say that he and I didn’t get along was an understatement, but I could try to ease this into a discussion between two civilized persons—just for today. “Can you spare a few minutes of your time?” He stiffened. “I only have a couple of questions, nothing heavy. As a favor? Maybe as payback for everything Dan’s done for you.”
He gave me a stern nod.
“We never got along.” I stated the obvious. “Can you tell me why not? What did I do to you?”
He studied me, pressed his lips tight, and shook his head. “Before my daughter?” he asked. “Donna told me you liked to be alone. It would bother you if I tried to get to know you. But after what you did, well, it’s logical.” Greg turned to look at Mom before he continued, his deep blue eyes were hard to read. I had no idea what went through his mind. “You get it, right? I didn’t buy the story that my daughter took her life—your mom heard the shots, and you were the only one left.”
He stood up before taking a deep breath, and leaned outside of the room where Mom slept. “This is how the story went, Rebecca. You were jealous of my daughter. She was beautiful. You envied her so much that one day you decided to get rid of her and—why not?—kill the boy who’d never spared you a glance. The police arrested you, but we all know money can move the world. The rich guy you were fucking paid off the police and convinced everyone you didn’t kill Lisa and Ian. Case closed.” Greg straighten up his shoulders and shot a couple of daggers through his eyes. “Let me tell you one thing, you whore. I’ll make you apologize to her, and to me.” He pointed towards Mom. “If it’s the last thing I do. You’ll confess the truth.”
My stomach was full of knots. My chest tightened and my throat dried. The man was delusional. His eyes harbored hate, and he seemed ready to pounce on me, like a tiger about to kill its prey.
“What truth? That she was an unfit mother? That she abandoned me from day one, and never gave me a second glance? Your theory is wrong. All wrong. I didn’t kill them. Plus Dan and I are only friends.” Filled with anger, and not thinking, I stood up and walked close to Donna. “Here’s the truth, Mom. I never did anything wrong for you to hate me.” I put my hand up to stop him from interrupting. “Lisa wasn’t your daughter. You were supposed to protect me, not her. And after all that, I still love you, Mom."
Consumed with rage, and done with him and Mom, I moved toward the door. “I’ll be glad when this is over, and I don’t have to see your face again. Mom doesn’t deserve me. I know it in my head, but my heart can’t seem to grasp that.” I walked out of the room.
“I’ll be glad when you no longer exist,” he yelled after me.
Not waiting for more insults from him, I left my old apartment and went back to Dan’s. Tired after the early morning, and depressed by everything that had been happening over the past weeks, I decided to indulge myself―eat some ice cream, and take a nap.
* * * * *
Everything was dark. Something pressed against my eyes, and I couldn’t open them. My hands and legs were tied up. The pain in my ribs was unbearable. The smell of gasoline overwhelmed me. I screamed for help. No one seemed to listen.
“I’m erasing you from the face of the earth,” Greg whispered. I struggled, but the ropes hurt me every time I moved. “No one will save you, because you’re nobody. Not even your parents liked you.”
“Becca.” A voice came through Greg’s loud laughter. “Princess, can you hear me?” The floor was shaking. I didn’t know where I was. “Baby, you’re safe. Wake up, sweetheart.”
Finally, I was able to pull myself out of the dream. The haze wrapped around me pretty tightly, but I could see Dan’s face. He held me, and I was sitting on his lap.
“Love, this one was bad.” Dan ran his knuckles around my jaw. He wrapped me in a blanket. I was shivering—a trembling frozen ball. “Don’t worry princess, no one will hurt you,” he repeated. “I’ll never let anyone touch you. I’m here to protect you.”
My lips quivered, and tears poured down my face like Niagara Falls. Dan tried to calm me. Panic ran through my veins. My heart pumped it to each cell.
“Why would you be pleading with Greg to release you?” His frantic voice demanded a prompt answer. “Did he… try something when you were little?”
His arms tensed, and a set of blue daggers had replaced his brilliant grayish-blues. The plan of attack seemed to be settled, and his stiff body awaited a command. I shook my head. When I found my voice, I shared my nightmare, and then added the earlier conversation with Greg.
“I love you.” I said, taking a moment to gather energy before I had to go out into the real world.
Chapter 22
Mom made it through the weekend. Against Dan’s wishes, I visited daily and stayed with her nightly. I continued doing the same duties—massaging limbs, and applying swabs.
On Monday night, while I massaged Mom’s arm, she woke up. Donna’s blue eyes gave me a blank stare. She didn’t pull her hand out of my grip like other times, nor did her nostrils flare, indicating my presence was bothering her.
“It hurts,” she murmured. A sore had developed close to her wrist where I held her. Stupid me, I wasn’t paying enough attention.
“Sorry.” I moved my fingers. “Nora, can you clean it, please?” I asked the nurse, who sat on the other side of the bed.
“Everything hurts, lady,” Donna mumbled. “Make it go away, please.” She winced when Nora approached, and I gently released her arm, moving away to let her work.
“Can you do something?” I wanted to relieve her from the pain. Those agonized eyes scared me a thousand times more than the ones filled with hate and fury. “Another round of morphine, a pain killer, anything to give her some relief. Look at her, she’s suffering.”
“Bex.” Dan’s voice came from behind me, and he hugged my waist, and then placed a kiss on top of my head. “You okay?”
I shook my head. Donna didn’t recognize me, and she was being decent with me. Not that I wanted her to kick me out of the room, but it saddened me that this—her agony—was what it took for her to treat me like a person
“Raj, can you come in here, please?” I lifted my head and turned a bit to find Dan holding his phone with the arm he’d taken away from my waist. His gray eyes met mine, and the tenderness in them released some tension from my body. “Not sure, bro, but Becca’s concerned. She’s not recognizing us.” He placed a kiss on the tip of my nose. “We’ll be here.”
“Let her do it,” Mom’s voice was barely there, but her eyes focused on me. Nora had started massaging her after taking care of the sore.
“Baby?” Dan’s questioning voice made me second-guess myself. Why wouldn’t, or shouldn’t, I do it? She was my mother, and she needed me, and had asked for me. This became a once in a lifetime opportunity for me to... what? Make her like me?
I moved closer to Mom. Her blanket was back to room temperature. I was in charge, I told myself. “Dan, change her blanket. Nora, clean all the sores on her body. I’ll keep massaging her.” I squirted some lotion on my hands and began with her left arm. “When can you administer more medication?”
“In a couple of hours,” Nora responded, clearly annoyed by my insistence. She rolled her eyes and took a deep breath before doing what I’d ordered. “Dr. Vadapalli might be able to administer a different pain reliever before then.”
“You hear, Donna? We’ll get you something soon.” Her eyes changed from hurt to a calmed gaze. Then she closed them and nodded slightly. “Hang in there, Mom. Maybe you can defeat this illness after all.”
“Oh, Becca, baby.” Dan’s
voice was full of sympathy.
Yes, I was still hopeful.
* * * * *
“Go to sleep, Becca,” Raj insisted.
He’d checked on Mom. There wasn’t much he could do at this point, he said.
I argued to stay for the night. “But you told Dan this could be over soon.”
“And we’ve known that since she arrived in Boston.” Raj crossed his arms, retaliating. “This is a guessing game. It could happen now, as we speak. Or later. You being here won’t make a difference to her. We don’t need you getting sick due to exhaustion, do we?”
“Come on, beautiful.” Dan didn’t wait for me to say anything. He picked me up like a rag doll. “Thank you, bro. I owe you, as usual.”
“Put me down.” I thrashed my arms and legs about. “I want to say goodbye to Donna. It’s important to me, Danny. She won’t kick me out of her sight, not tonight.”
“I don’t like this, love.”
“Not that it matters, Danny.” I said defensively. “Why would you care?”
“I’m trying to protect you, baby.” He put me down. “You’re the most precious thing in the world to me. I don’t like to see you hurt.”
“I’m not a thing, Dan, perhaps—” He didn’t let me finish, and kissed me. That’s when I noticed that Raj gave us a stare. Dan nodded, and I was at a loss. The moment had gone, and I had no idea what got me in such a foul mood. With our hands linked, he accompanied me to the room where Donna’s fading body lie. Her eyes focused on me.
“I’m leaving for the night, Donna. Tomorrow I’ll be here, taking care of you.” I caressed her face, and bent to kiss her forehead. “Rest, Mom.”
“Thank you, lady,” she responded.
The ambiguity of the moment didn’t hit me until Dan pulled me out of the room and walked me across the hall. Breathless, joyful, wanting to share my happiness with others because she’d thanked me, versus the bitter taste of being treated nicely by my own mother for the first time, because she didn’t recognize me.
Mom never saw the sun again. Around two in the morning, Nora called. I woke up to the sound of Dan’s voice.
Where Life Takes You Page 20