“Believe me, Lo. I know the difference between sex and love. They’re two different things in my world. I think you can have one without the other, but not many people find both.”
Now I was pacing, too. Both of us, pacing around the kitchen, saying the things that we waited seven long years to say. “Seriously? With your wild and free lifestyle you’re going to stand here and educate me about love and sex? Don’t you think that’s ironic?”
“There are things you don’t know about me, Lo. My lifestyle is fucked up compared to most people. I take pleasure when I want it, and I give it when I choose. Beyond that I’ve never felt the need to complicate things with love. You’re the only woman I’d ever consider sharing something more with.”
I was seething with anger. Apparently he thought I was some charity case, a damsel in distress that he could save in order to alleviate his own guilty conscience. “Are you done?” I asked coldly.
Judging by the look on his face, my clipped response caught him off guard. “For now.”
“You must think I’m some naïve little girl who still believes in fairytales. Well, let me set the record straight. After losing my mom, my best friend and my dad all to reasons outside my control, I stopped believing in fairytales a long time ago. So if that’s all, Parker, then I have to go. Mary and Tom are waiting.”
With that I turned and walked outside leaving him standing in my kitchen alone.
Seven
ULTERIOR MOTIVES
I had exactly five minutes to regain my composure before dinner. No matter how difficult it would be I had to shove the conversation with Parker to the back of my mind. I’d have time to analyze it later. Having made up my mind, I took a deep breath as I walked out onto the patio. The edges of the blue and white striped umbrellas covering the tables flapped gently in the warm lake breeze. It was the perfect night for dining outside, and I was determined to make the best of it. Forcing a smile I looked around and noticed every table was full inside and out. I stopped at the bar to check in, but with everyone hustling they barely had a moment to spare.
“Hey there,” Steve called over his shoulder. “I thought I told you we had this under control?”
“Yeah, yeah. I know, but you know me. I couldn’t stay away if I tried.”
“Yep, that sounds about right. Okay, so here’s the scoop. We’ll have three bartenders, six servers and three door guys tonight. I changed the special from prime rib to porterhouse after we ran out earlier. Current wait list is twenty minutes. We have a reservation for 15 at eight o’clock, and the band will start again at nine. Are you satisfied?”
“Yes, very. Now if only you and Matt could learn to make the ladies swoon like Tom Cruise in Cocktail we’ll make a fortune.” I rolled my eyes.
Matt piped in as his fingers dashed over the keys on the cash register. “Yeah, and then you could hire some Coyote Ugly girls to dance on the bar and we’d really have a show!”
Steve laughed and shook his head. “See what you started? Now I’m ordering you to get out of here. And by the way, it’s really nice to see you smile again. Now go enjoy your company, Lo, really.”
I made my way to the patio wishing everything in life could be as easy as dealing with my bar staff. They were like family to me, and they kept this place going through good times and bad. Now if I could just keep the rooms and the tavern full I might be able to reward them with more than just words.
Mary and Tom came downstairs right on time, but I noticed the worried look on Mary’s face right away. Looking past them my heart fluttered in my chest the moment I realized Parker wasn’t there. I tried to hide my disappointment as my eyes went from the stairs to the tavern door waiting for him to appear, but it was useless.
When we sat down Mary started to explain. “It’s such a gorgeous night. It’s too bad Parker won’t be joining us.”
I blinked at her expectantly, hovering on her every word. I expected him to be here with that same arrogant smile on his face. I thought we’d be able to keep things civil enough to get through dinner for Mary and Tom’s sake. I never considered the possibility of him not showing, and it gave me a strange unsettled feeling.
Mary continued on, “He stopped by our room a few minutes ago to let us know he had some business to take care of in town. Something about a meeting with an attorney that couldn’t wait.” She waived her hand gracefully as though dismissing his excuse. “You never know what that man has up his sleeve. He’s always thinking about business even when he’s on vacation,” she continued, “Sorry, Lo, it seemed like the two of you were getting on so well, too.”
I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach. How stupid can you be, Lo? Did you honestly believe he would come back for more? I tried to smile, but I could hardly contain the nauseous feeling in my stomach. “Business, huh? I wonder if the attorney is a female. I mean with his looks, personality and profession, I’m sure it happens all the time.”
I could tell by the looks on Tom and Mary’s faces that my snarky comment caught them by surprise, and I immediately regretted opening my mouth. Laughing nervously I tried to shake it off. “That Parker! I guess some things never change!”
I hid my face behind the menu to collect my thoughts. “So, where were we? Our special tonight is porterhouse. What sounds good to you, Mary? How about an appetizer?”
I waited, hoping that my clumsy attempt at changing the subject had worked. After a few seconds I peeked over the top just in time to see the two of them looking at each other as if they were communicating in some secret unspoken language that people only learn after being married for many years. Mary’s brows were arched in question, and Tom’s face looked like he was issuing a warning.
When their silent conversation finally stopped they both looked directly at me. Tom sighed deeply and looked apologetic as Mary began to speak.
“We’ve been trying to stay out of this, Lo, really, we have. But you’re like a daughter to us, and Parker is our nephew.”
Oh shit! This can’t be good!
“We can’t help but notice that something is…well I’m just going to come out with it. Something is going on between you two.”
I could feel the hot pink shame rise up through my cheeks. Speechless, I grabbed my drink and downed it in one gulp. Although it wasn’t a direct question, I knew she was waiting for some sort of explanation, and at this point I had nothing to offer.
I shifted nervously in my chair trying to avoid eye contact. What seemed like minutes passed, before Tom finally chimed in.
“Lauren, we didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” he soothed, giving Mary an admonishing glance. “What Mary… I mean what we were trying to say is that we love you both, and whatever may or may not be going on is really none of our business. We just hope that whatever it is you two may finally acknowledge it now that you’re older.”
Mary looked like she was about to explode, and I knew I was in for a healthy dose of her motherly advice. I took a deep breath and gestured to our server for another drink while secretly wishing she would bring the entire bottle of Gray Goose back instead.
“Lauren, I see the way you look at each other. Tom and I still look at each other the same way after forty years of marriage!”
With a thin smile, Tom raised his eyebrows, half in agreement and half in apology for what we were about to endure.
“I’ve known since you were teenagers that there was a certain spark between you. It’s something that just doesn’t happen every day you know. It’s very special, dear.”
I listened quietly and tried to absorb it all as I glanced at the door hoping my drink, or my bottle, would arrive any second.
“I know you’re engaged, and I know Parker’s had his share of well, companions, but I always knew in my heart that the two of you were destined to be together someday.”
I couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. When Tara finally arrived with my martini I dragged my eyes from the table to meet hers and managed to utter, “Keep ‘em coming plea
se.” She must have thought I was crazy, but she nodded as though she understood before disappearing back through the tavern door.
Sensing my discomfort, Mary added, “Lauren, please don’t be upset with us. We aren’t trying to interfere with your life. I’ve just been so worried about my nephew lately I thought that if he saw you again maybe he would…”
She was worried about Parker? Why? Why was she so concerned? Now she had my full attention. I needed to know the reason behind her mysterious worry, so I reluctantly joined the conversation.
“I love you, too, and I’m not upset with you, but I don’t know why you would bring him here hoping that I might be able to help him after all these years. What do you want me to do? I guess I just don’t understand.”
Tom and Mary exchanged glances. Mary’s eyes suddenly looked glassy, and she took a drink and cleared her throat. I studied her trying to figure out what was going on. Mary was always composed, laid back even. When Sarah and I were young she never even raised her voice when we got into trouble. Seeing her like this scared me.
Her voice cracked when she spoke, “Tell her, Tom.”
I waited anxiously for an explanation as Tom put his arm around Mary before turning his attention to me. “Lo, we’re concerned that Parker may never experience real love.” Looking at the table he let out a long breath.
“After his father died a few years ago, he quit the family business and started playing professional poker. We supported his decision at first, I mean he’s good. He’s built his own fortune, traveled around the world. We’re quite proud of him really.”
Mary wiped the tears that were now dripping down her cheeks and glanced at Tom before starting in again. “We always wondered why Parker never brought a date to any of our family gatherings. He’s never even talked about having a girlfriend. He’s been so distant since his dad died. For a minute we even thought he might be gay.”
She fidgeted with her wedding ring and laughed nervously as though she were relieving the built up tension. “I was getting so worried about him I started asking around-you know you can always dig up gossip in high society circles. It seems like every one of those old bags at the country club is on a mission to see who they can cover in the most mud. Anyway, I’ve heard rumors that Parker is living a very wild lifestyle. I don’t even want to say this out loud,” she lowered her voice to a whisper, “but they say he keeps company with high priced escorts, Lo.”
I sank back in my chair in disbelief as the word “escorts” rang in my ears. No! Parker Blackwell could easily have any woman he wanted. Why in the world would he spend time or money on prostitutes?
“I know what you’re thinking, Lo. I thought the same thing when I heard. Parker is much too handsome and too smart to do something like that, but it’s true, and I’ve been worried sick ever since I found out. I’m so sorry to have to tell you these things about him. I’m sorry I brought him here like this. I didn’t know you were engaged. I just had to see what would happen if you two were together again. I had to see if there was a chance…”
My heart ached as images of Parker rolling around in bed with prostitutes raced through my head. Suddenly, Mary’s voice seemed far away, almost like I was watching a scene from a movie. This isn’t happening.
“If that wasn’t bad enough,” Mary continued, “Rumor has it that he recently signed with some ruthless agent who’s exploiting his bad boy image to get him a deal with Rebel Spirits. Have you seen those awful liquor commercials where the men are draped in half-naked women?”
Tears were streaming down Mary’s face, and my stomach was churning. I began to regret downing two martinis in the last fifteen minutes, or maybe I just wished it had been four. Hell, I wasn’t sure at this point. I didn’t know what to say, and I was already planning my escape. When my phone started ringing from inside my purse I grasped the opportunity like a lifeline.
I looked at the two of them sitting across from me in despair, and almost changed my mind, but seeing them like that was more than I could bare. “I’m sorry, I’m going to have to take this,” I said as I answered the call.
When I heard the sweet sound of Nina’s voice on the other end I knew exactly what to do.
“Lo, sorry to interrupt. Steve said you were having dinner with the Blackwells, but I wanted to check on you since you haven’t called. I saw Parker in the lobby earlier, and holy fuck, you’re right about his…”
Trying to sound concerned, I cut her off in midsentence. “Absolutely, I’ll be right there.”
“What? What are you talking about?” I could hear Nina’s confusion as I hung up the phone and turned to Mary and Tom. It hurt to look at them. Mary’s nose was red, and her tears had left trails through the make-up on her cheeks. Tom was rubbing her back looking up at me as though I could offer something, anything to help them.
I hugged each of them quickly and excused myself. “I’m so sorry, but that was the front desk. There’s a problem that I need to attend to right away.” Leaving them like this made me sick, but it was the only thing I could do.
“I love you both so much. I know things with Parker will be just fine. I mean, he comes from a great family, right?” I bit my lip to fend off the tears. “Oh, and I had a really nice time with you this weekend. Please tell Sarah to call me.” Before the last words left my lips I was already walking away.
Eight
YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN’T HIDE
I knew Nina was worried, but she’s been my best friend since first grade, and I knew she’d understand once I had the chance to explain. Right now I couldn’t breathe. So much had happened in the last two days. I was so overwhelmed that my mind flipped the switch to autopilot as I passed through the tavern, across the lobby and out the back door in route to the one place where I could escape everything. When the fresh lake air kissed my face, I kicked off my shoes and kept walking until I felt wet sand between my toes at the water’s edge. Then I ran.
When everything was spinning out of control, running kept me sane. It kept my demons from catching up, kept me from screaming at God, asking why me, and it kept me from harboring the kind of self-pity that whittles away at a person until she is nothing but an empty shell.
I started the week my mom died. I was walking on the beach trying to understand why my life was being ripped apart at the seams. With tears streaming down my face and my heartbeat pounding in my ears I just kept walking faster and faster as if I could escape it all somehow. Finally, and without really knowing what I was doing, I started to run. I ran for what seemed like a mile in the sand until I couldn’t run anymore, until my legs felt like rubber and I collapsed from the sheer exhaustion of spent energy and emotion. Aside from sex it was the best release I’d ever known. With the intimacy lacking between Jake and I lately, the minute I reached a nice brisk pace my body told me I was way overdo.
Emotion. Funny how one little word could hold so much weight. It could steer me like the current and alter my course like the wind. One minute I was going along steady and sure and the next I was being knocked off my feet by some unexpected emotion. In the past it was grief, sadness, even anger, but now? Now, I wasn’t sure what I was feeling, and I don’t know what’s worse. Maybe something’s been missing, and I never even realized it until now.
Have you ever lost something and then forgot all about it until you suddenly needed it again? What did I need? What had I lost?
My mind went back to Parker’s words. “I take pleasure when I need it and give it when I choose. Sex and love are two different things…”
Pushing myself hard, I kept going until I reached the lighthouse and the brink of collapse. As I sat on the edge of the pier to catch my breath, something caught my eye. Parker was walking towards me. What was he doing here?
I leaned back and let the breeze cool me as I watched him move closer with confident strides. His unbuttoned shirt flapped in the wind exposing his chiseled chest and stomach. The five o’clock shadow he’d developed over the weekend complimented his da
zzling white smile that was visible from a mile away, and I wondered briefly why he had to be so fucking irresistible and aggravating all at the same time.
“I was on my way back from town when I saw you running down the beach. I had a feeling you’d end up here.” His eyes sparkled in the sun as he spoke. He towered over me, and my anger began to melt away as I thought about how his mouth felt on my body.
“So, you’ve resorted to stalking me now?” My lips pressed together tightly, as I wondered how badly my make-up was smudged and smeared from the mixture of sweat and tears.
He laughed. “Remember how much time we spent out here, jumping off the pier, racing up the stairs in the lighthouse?”
“Yeah, I do. We had some great times.” Staring down at the black boulders under the clear blue water below, I played back the many scenes, jumping off the pier in our bathing suits, racing to the buoy and back, and laughing until our stomachs hurt.
“Some of the best memories I had in my life included you, Lo, and I want to make more with that vibrant girl I used to know. I want to see you live again, you know? Feel the adrenaline pumping through your veins? When’s the last time you let loose and did something crazy?”
I sat in awe of the boy I used to know and the beautiful flawed man he had become. I almost forgot how much I missed him, how much he meant to me. If anyone asked back then, I would’ve said I hated his guts, but inside I knew better. Inside I thought about him day and night. I wanted to win every challenge just so he would admire me, and every time we were close enough I secretly wished he would kiss me and sometimes more…
I studied his face and thought about the pain he experienced in his life. He never had a stable home. All the money in the world couldn’t replace something like that. The gleam in his eyes made it hard for me to stay mad, but after a few seconds passed without a reply he relented. The way he tilted his head to the side and flashed his dimples I knew whatever he had to say was sure to be good.
Just Fall (The Fall Series) Page 6