“It’s no bother,” Nate said. He cheered when Ethan caught the disc in midair.
“He’s a natural,” Emma commented.
“He’ll be on Weston’s Ultimate Frisbee team in about fifteen years or so,” Nate agreed.
Emma watched Nate and the boy playing and couldn’t keep the smile off her face.
“He’s adorable,” Brooke said, catching Emma’s attention.
“Yeah, you have one cute kid there, Brooke.”
“I meant Nate. You haven’t stopped staring at him. What’s going on? You look super happy.”
“I do? I mean, thanks?” Brooke’s words flustered Emma.
“Didn’t I see you eating breakfast together at the campus center this morning? What’s up?”
Emma debated telling her freshman roommate to mind her own business, but Brooke was harmless. “We’ve been spending a lot of time together this weekend. We’re both here alone, and it’s been fun to catch up.”
“Well, the way you’ve been looking at each other, it seems like you’ve definitely caught up and are moving right into the next phase.”
“You think?” Emma hated that she was blushing, but she supposed it made sense Brooke would be able to pick up on the signals she was throwing out. Her feelings—lust and all—were too strong to keep inside.
“I always liked Nate. The haircut is a huge improvement. Did you hear his ex-girlfriend Kate is gay?” And with that, Emma was relieved to let Brooke steer the conversation toward reunion news and away from her churning emotions.
***
“How can you possibly be hungry again? We just had pizza,” Emma said as Nate dragged her into an ice cream store a few blocks from campus.
“That was dinner; this is dessert,” he explained. “What’s your pleasure?”
He watched her examine the case of flavors. She looked young and pretty in her aquamarine sundress and thin white sweater. Not like an insatiable sex fiend, that hidden side of her that had miraculously been revealed to him. The sundress was rumpled from when he’d bunched it up in his fists and out of the way so he could fuck her on the third floor of the library that afternoon. They’d escaped an exceptionally boring art history seminar, and somehow they’d found themselves making out in the stacks. They’d ravaged each other’s mouths like teenagers until the need to have her gorgeous pussy clamped around his cock grew so urgent he’d nearly wept with relief when she’d pulled him toward the unisex bathroom. He’d never been excited by the concept of bathroom sex before, but with Emma involved, it was hot.
She was hot. Everything about her turned him on. He couldn’t keep his hands off her, and when his mind strayed back to the unforgettable image of her on her knees sucking him off in the shower that morning, which it had every few minutes like clockwork, he’d easily felt like the luckiest guy in Massachusetts. Maybe the entire Eastern seaboard.
They’d had fun together, going to the various campus events, meeting up with a few old friends at the picnic lunch. Having a quickie in the library. Damn. Was it nostalgia, or was there something real between them? He wanted to believe they could keep this chemistry going, but initial sparks didn’t always mean a couple was destined for the long haul. They had to take it one step at a time. Right now, that step involved ice cream and getting her back into bed as soon as possible.
Cones in hand, they climbed back up the hill toward the dorms. The sky was full-on dark, and the oppressive humidity of the day was turning into threatening rain. The first drops started to fall as they neared the green. A huge white tent had been set up, and “Billie Jean” was blaring from the speakers. Streams of people headed in and out—mostly in—due to the rain.
“The all-school dance. Let’s go check it out.”
Emma pulled him toward the noise, and he laughed in sheer happiness. Rain, ice cream, and a beautiful girl who wanted to dance with him.
Inside the tent, swarms of people of all ages were getting their groove on while disco balls threw colorful lights around the otherwise unprepossessing space. Emma finished the last of her cone and pulled him deep into the center of the action. They rocked out for a while to the mostly nostalgic dance music, Nate remembering how much fun it could be to let go and make a fool of himself to a beat. Emma was game, smiling and jumping up and down, her moves naturally seductive as she wiggled her hips in time to the music.
Half the crowd groaned, and the other half cheered when “I’ll Make Love to You”—the classic Boyz II Men jam—came on. Emma giggled and wrapped her arms around Nate’s shoulders, old school, slow-dance style.
He drew her in close, not caring about anything except how good she felt in his arms. “Wow,” he said, “This has been an awesome day, Emma.”
“For me, too,” she whispered. She leaned her head against his shoulder, and they swayed together to the music.
Emma’s nerves prickled with a mixture of pleasure and trepidation. Nate was the kindest, most fun, most attractive, sexiest guy she’d been with in…maybe forever. She wanted to take this weekend fling to the next level when life returned to normal after the magical reunion weekend was over. But his words from the night before, the terrible story he’d told her about his ex-wife, made her realize if they were going to have a future together, she’d have to tell him something that might make being together impossible. And she’d waited long enough. If she told him, and things didn’t work out, she wanted to end it before she fell more deeply in love with him than she already had.
When the slow dance ended, and an old Madonna song had the crowd singing along, Emma looked into Nate’s piercing blue eyes. “Can we go somewhere a little quieter? I need to talk to you about something.”
“Sure,” he said, taking her hand. When they reached the entrance of the tent, they saw the sprinkles had turned into a downpour. “Hmm, want to make a run for it?”
Emma looked around and gestured to an empty table just inside the tent. Maybe it would be easier, less intimate, if they stayed near people. She sat down, steeling herself with a calming breath.
“I wanted to say what a good time I’ve been having with you.”
“Me, too,” he said immediately.
“And I hope we can see each other when we’re back home.”
“Absolutely.”
“I wanted to tell you something so we’re completely honest with each other.” Emma struggled to look him in the eye as she spoke. She hadn’t shared what she was about to tell him with many people. It was harder than she thought to talk about. “I was so touched that you told me what had happened between you and your ex-wife last night. I know how you feel. But I also know how she felt, maybe, a little bit.”
Nate looked confused.
“I had an abortion. About five years ago. I was in a bad relationship. After I finally broke things off with him, I found out I was pregnant. I’d never been pregnant before. All I’ve wanted since I was a kid was to get married and have a baby, but I couldn’t face having a child with a man I couldn’t stand, and I was working all the time and…well, I had plenty of reasons. So I did it, and I don’t regret it, but I miss that baby every day, even if it was barely here. So I wanted you to know that about me.”
She tried to gauge his reaction, but his eyes were shuttered.
“Did you tell the guy about it?”
She swallowed. “No. I didn’t want to get in touch with him. It was easier—”
“Oh.” Nate stood up and stepped away from her; Emma felt the gap widening between them as if he’d physically pushed her away. “I’m not sure what you want me to say.”
She rose out of her chair, and he stepped back again. “You don’t have to say anything. It’s something I thought you should know if we’re going to keep seeing each other.”
“I-I have to think about this.”
He might be saying he needed to think, but his body language yelled, “This is over.” Emma felt her eyes fill with tears and willed herself not to cry. “Nate—”
“You’re like her,
making decisions for other people, lying.”
“I’m telling you the truth,” she said, trying desperately to stay calm even as the censure in his tone hit her like a punch to the gut.
“Whatever. Two people made that baby; the father should at least have known it existed. Just because it didn’t work out between you, just because it was easier…. I didn’t realize you were so selfish.” He shook his head, and Emma was torn between empathy, as he was still plainly hurting from what his ex-wife put him through, and ire at his black-and-white view.
“You don’t know what it’s like to have something growing inside you that you both want and can’t have. I still think about it all the time—”
“You’re right. I don’t know, but I know I can’t be around you right now.” He turned and disappeared into the rain.
When Emma could no longer hold back her sobs, she started the slog back to her little-used dorm room, more than the rain chilling her to the core. The chirp of her phone gave her a hint of hope. Maybe Nate was calling to apologize. At this point, she wasn’t sure if she would accept an apology. A different name read on the screen. She ducked into a doorway to protect herself and the phone from the rain.
“Hi, Mom.” She didn’t bother trying to hide her tears; her mother always knew when something was wrong anyway.
“Beautiful girl, what’s wrong? Is it too late to call?” The lightly French-accented voice of Juliette Delvaux came on the line, instantly transporting Emma to a warm and loving place and making her feel better even though she was three thousand miles away from the comfort of her mother’s arms.
“I’m fine. I’m at the reunion. It’s raining.”
“What happened?”
“Just another stupid boy.” Emma sighed, her desire to cry stemmed when she realized that, yes, Nate was yet another stupid boy in a long line of them. She’d been fooling herself again, thinking he was different, that they were starting to mean something to each other. The saying once burned, twice shy didn’t apply to her. She’d been burned too many times to count, and she still held out that girlish hope of finding the perfect guy. Well, Nate Hirsch wasn’t him. Even if he seemed to fit her to a tee, he’d proved he wasn’t up for a real relationship with her. So that was that.
“Oh, Emma, I’m sorry,” Juliette said. She’d held her daughter’s hand through plenty of breakups. Emma couldn’t keep giving her the opportunity to do it.
She wiped her eyes dry. “It’s really fine. The reunion has actually been pretty fun on the whole. It’s been nice to see old friends.”
“I want to hear all about it when I see you.”
“I can’t meet your plane, but I can send a car for you,” Emma said. Her mother’s quarterly visit was coming on Friday, and she experienced a sudden and deep wave of homesickness for her.
“Don’t be silly. I’ll take a cab. It’s easier, and I’ve made dinner reservations at that bistro we like near your office.”
“Lovely, thanks, Mom. I can’t wait to see you.”
“Your father and I love you. Don’t forget you’re my strong, smart, beautiful girl. Bisous.”
“Bisous,” Emma said, then turned off her phone. She didn’t want any more calls tonight.
Her initial heartache at Nate’s extreme reaction to her story had turned into something of a temper by the time she reached her building. The hallway outside her room was littered with empty red cups and a few stray Ping-pong balls. Everything stank of beer and cigarettes.
“Ugh. Slobs.”
She wanted to grab the nearest trashcan and start cleaning up, but instead she kicked a cup out of her way and stomped to her room. She was wet and cold, and she needed a hot shower. She wouldn’t think of what had gone down during the last shower she’d taken. She wouldn’t think of it because she didn’t want to think about Nate and how his eyes crinkled when he laughed and how unselfconscious he was about holding her hand in public and how she’d—evidently prematurely—started imagining chubby dark-haired babies with almond-shaped blue eyes. He’d been judgmental and hurtful. She should probably cut him some slack, considering his history with his ex, but she was mad he hadn’t had the decency to appreciate what she’d gone through herself and how hard it had been for her to share that with him.
Emma navigated party detritus on her way to the community bathroom, travel case of toiletries and towel in her arms. She wouldn’t be so upset or so angry if she didn’t feel so strongly about Nate. He wouldn’t have been able to hurt her if she hadn’t started caring for him so deeply, more deeply than she should have after a night of fucking, a day of hanging out, and yes, more fucking. She’d let the incredible sex, their easy camaraderie, and their overlapping goals and values fool her into thinking they were destined for more than a one-weekend fling. Well, if that’s all it was, fine. She could find someone better than Nate Hirsch in a New York minute.
She started the shower in the bathroom that was identical to the one in Nate’s building, scrubbing herself briskly as if hot water and vigorous exfoliating could make her feel warm and new and all right. Then the tears started falling again and Emma sagged under the flow of water.
Damn it. Damn him. She wouldn’t find anyone with his combination of smarts and humor and sex appeal and kindness. Why did he have to go making her feel all happy and tingly and…in love?
It had been a while since she’d considered herself in love with someone, but she recognized the signs. Tingles in her stomach. Goofy grin. Insatiable sex drive. Imagining their darling multiracial babies.
She’d pack up her stuff and get a cab to the train station first thing in the morning. Why stay for commencement if she wasn’t going to sit through it with Nate at her side, trading whispered quips and sarcastic commentary? Emma took her time drying her hair and brushing her teeth, nodding absently when a few people came and went around her. Yeah, it would be better to go home, get away from Weston and the happiness she’d thought she’d discovered here. She could do some work on the train, get a head start on Monday morning at the office. Her mother’s visit was something tangible to look forward to. She’d plan out some activities for them to do together, even though they usually ended up spending their days shopping and their nights drinking a lot of red wine.
Avoiding the mess in the hall, she made her way to her room and quickly shut off the light. Longing for a bit of oblivion, she slid on her eye mask, popped in her earplugs, and fell into a dark, dreamless sleep.
Chapter Six
Nate walked until the rain, which had long ago plastered the shirt to his back and made his sneakers sodden, poured into his eyes in rivulets. He marched forward, unable to see more than a few feet in front of him. He had no destination; he’d had an overwhelming need to put distance between him and Emma. He’d felt so close to her all day, and then her bombshell had made him look at her and see a stranger.
Wasn’t that what she was? Sure, they’d hung out back in the day, but he hadn’t seen her for ten years, and here he had thought a couple of orgasms meant they had a future together. He didn’t know if he could handle being with someone who’d made the same selfish decision as his ex-wife.
Of course, Emma had a right to make choices about her own body. And she hadn’t been with the guy who’d impregnated her when she’d made the choice to have an abortion. Undoubtedly, she’d made the decision she’d had to at the time. He sighed. He stopped walking and noticed he was in front of the track field, a good mile from where he’d started out. He slowly turned around, shuffling back toward the heart of campus.
Even with Alison, it wasn’t the abortion so much as how cavalier she’d been about lying to him, about everything from having an abortion to wanting to have kids in the first place. He saw now they hadn’t been right for each other. He’d gotten to a point in his life when he had been ready to settle down, and Alison was the one he’d been with at the time. Marriage was the next logical step. He’d never been obsessed with the idea of finding a soul mate. His parents had been happily marrie
d for years, but he wouldn’t describe their marriage as a passionate love affair. He’d never found anyone who had made him feel more alive, more in tune with himself and his surroundings, or who had given his heart greater pleasure or more pain than he’d ever known before. He’d thought that person didn’t exist, and he’d been willing to settle for someone he loved in a quiet way, someone he could raise a family with.
Until Emma. Her words in the tent had shocked him, hurt him more than they should have. Why should it matter to him what this person did half a decade ago when he didn’t even know her? It shouldn’t, except it did, because she mattered to him, more than a woman he’d effectively been with for twenty-four hours should.
All right. He was being unfair. And he’d probably wounded her with his lack of compassion. He thought about her smile and how eliciting one from her made him feel like a million bucks. He thought about how she wanted a family, marriage, and kids, and so did he. He’d been carrying around the burden of his failed marriage for a year, and he’d unfairly dragged Emma—the smartest, sexiest woman he’d ever had the pleasure of knowing—into his quagmire of emotional baggage. Damn. He deserved to be cold, wet, miserable, and alone in the dark.
At least the rain seemed to be letting up a bit. He crested the hill overlooking the green and the main buildings of campus. The Ashworth dorm complex was downhill and off to the right. He thought he heard a moan coming from the direction of the observatory, whose dark stone presence perched on top of the hill like a sleeping bird of prey. He took a step toward the building, the noise worrying him for a moment until he heard the distinct sound of someone saying, “I love you,” followed by another moan that was more of a grunt and an unmistakable one at that. He smiled. He wasn’t the only one getting off in strange places on campus this weekend. The words came again. “I love you.” Suddenly Nate knew why he’d been so devastated by Emma’s past actions, why he’d felt everything so intensely from the moment he first laid eyes on her again. She wasn’t perfect. He’d needed the reality check; she had flaws like everyone else. But he suspected she might be perfect for him.
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