I released a tired sigh and reached for my laptop, unable to shake an uneasy feeling. My screen lit up the nearly black night around me. As our honeymoon days dwindled, my thoughts had wandered further from the simple life we’d enjoyed here. More and more they circled around the life we were going back to.
In the bedroom, Erica slept and I hoped it was soundly. She’d been restless most of the night. I wasn’t sure if my restlessness was having the same effect on her, or if the same brand of anxiety riddled us both.
We’d promised to unplug, yet here I was, unable to ignore the reality that we both had enemies, and the most important responsibility I had as Erica’s husband was to protect her. Keeping her safe as we navigated halfway across the world was one thing. Keeping her safe back home was another.
I wanted to be the one to fight for her. For her safety and her happiness. Erica was young, but she’d survived more than anyone should ever have to. I may have tried to keep the upper hand between us, but I never doubted her strength for a moment. Still, I’d made a promise to protect her.
I skimmed my email, ignoring the instinct to start clearing out the list of things to do that had amassed over the past few weeks. The list was too long to consider at this late hour. No, work would have to wait.
I pulled up another tab for the news. We’d caught snippets of world news at the various places we’d been, from Paris to Cape Town, but nothing about Boston had made its way to those channels. Now, front and center, was the familiar home page of The Globe, the headline proclaiming that Daniel Fitzgerald had won the Massachusetts governor’s seat. A landslide victory.
“Prick,” I muttered before clicking the link to read more.
I hated the man. I hated that in a very real way he was the only family Erica had, and still he’d brought nothing but terror to her life. If she needed protecting from anyone, it was from him. I tried like hell to keep my opinions to myself, not wanting to see the pain in her eyes whenever the topic of Daniel came up. But I believed it was the years of his neglect and all the ways he’d failed her over time, more than my words, that cut her deep in those moments.
No matter what she said, or didn’t say, I wasn’t going to let him come between us again, and I was going to make sure he stayed far away from our lives.
The article touched on the trials of the past few months of the race, the tragic death of his stepson Mark—the man who’d raped Erica years ago, a fact only a handful of people were privy to. Then the very public discovery of Erica, his biological and illegitimate daughter, and, lastly, the shooting…
I closed my eyes and my stomach lurched as I relived the memory of Erica’s bloodied body in my arms. I stayed strong for her then, those few terrifying minutes that I thought would be our last together.
She was everything to me. Everything. A kind of desolation had swept through me when her eyes fluttered closed and her warmth began to fade. I thought I’d lost her. I’d held her, refusing to leave as I shook with rage and despair. Everything inside me fought the urge to scream, to find Daniel on the street and take my vengeance on him.
Daniel had pulled the trigger on the man who’d shot her, but he could never protect her. He would only cause her more pain, more of the heartbreak she’d tried valiantly to hide from me. I’d fantasized about a thousand ways I could ruin the man, but I knew better. I bottled up those plans, confident that a man like him was more than capable of ruining himself given enough time.
By some miracle, Erica had survived. The moment she’d lost consciousness, it felt like my heart had stopped beating. I was living and breathing, but existing only on the verge of survival until the doctors promised me she was going to be all right. And the moment in the hospital room when she opened her eyes again, warmth flooded my heart. New heat hit my veins, and the world became a place that I could live in again. She was with me. Safe, mine. But never the same.
I didn’t know then what else could be lost. I opened my eyes. Unclenching my fists, I tried not to think about what her wounds could deny us.
I slammed the laptop shut and leaned forward, shoving my hands through my hair. Christ, five minutes online and my mind was running amuck, lost in a sea of dark thoughts. Resentment of what had been lost, lingering fear of what we still faced.
A second later, Erica’s quiet footsteps padded across the cool marble floor of our bungalow. I turned toward the sound. The moonlight provided just enough light to see the outline of her body in the darkness.
“Hey.” She slowed beside me, her questioning gaze landing on the laptop in front me.
“What are you doing up?” I asked.
“I thought you weren’t going to work until we got back.”
“I wasn’t working.” I reached for her hand, brushing my thumb over her knuckles. “Promise.”
Her skin was warm, almost hot to the touch. No surprise in the balmy climate of the Maldives, but I didn’t take for granted that was why.
“You all right?”
She answered with a silent nod.
“Another dream?”
“I’m fine,” she murmured.
The way her voice became small gave me pause. Tension coiled in my gut, my resentment for the people who’d taken the peace from too many of her nights lodged tightly there. Instinctively, I wanted to pull her to me, save her from those demons. But in the wake of the night terrors that had faded considerably over the past few weeks, she could sometimes mistake me for the worst of them. Before I could question her, she pulled away, breaking our connection.
“I’m going for a quick swim. I’ll be back.”
Walking away, she tugged off the loose shirt that clung in places to her damp torso. She slowed at the edge of the infinity pool that blended the edge of our space with the endless ocean beyond. Her panties slid to the ground. The sliver of moonlight hit the curves of her body. The blond waves that fell to the middle of her back floated as she descended into the water and then submerged entirely, out of sight.
My body prickled with lust, but something far deeper took hold of my heart.
I rose and followed her to the edge of the pool. She stood in the center of the water, her hair slicked back, her breasts barely covered by the shallow water. I itched to touch her, every splendid inch of her. I’d had her plenty, but somehow it was never enough to sate my daily hunger for her.
“Mind if I join you?” I could barely hide the tone suggesting that I wanted more than I was asking for.
She smiled. “Of course not.”
I stripped and stepped into the water, just cool enough to be refreshing. I walked toward her and stopped before we touched. We were inches away. I wanted her desperately. I wanted to haul her against me and show her exactly how much. But I waited, harnessing my patience.
After a long moment, she reached for me. Her fingertips trickled lightly up my torso. I caught her hand gently, holding it against my heart where it raced beneath my ribs. Every bittersweet ache, every rush of love felt there belonged to her.
Her lips parted and a single step closed the small distance between us. Unable to hold back any longer, I reached for her, gliding her against me. The water rippled around us. I brought her arm around my neck and she repeated the motion with the other, clasping her hands at my nape, holding us close. Her warmth radiated against me, and I released a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.
“Erica,” I murmured, capturing her lips in a slow kiss. My wife. The twenty-two-year-old beauty who’d taken over my life and made everything else fade into the background. I wanted to give her everything, and if I couldn’t, I had to give her enough to make up for what all the others had taken away.
I swore it, a silent vow made when I slid the ring onto her finger and made her mine forever. I wanted to give her the solace that I could only find when we made love.
Every time meant more than the last.
Thoughts circled around the crazy love I felt for her, channeled into the gentle melding of our mouths. She hummed, nibbling my lip,
sending a surge of blood south. I pulled back a fraction, catching my breath, but she pulled me to her again. I groaned, pressing against her firmly. I wanted her now, here. But something stopped me.
I cupped her cheek, gazing into her eyes now clouded with desire. I searched for an answer to a question I hadn’t been able to ask her yet. I didn’t want to see the hurt there, in the pale blue depths that matched the ocean around us.
A small wince wrinkled her brow. “What’s wrong?”
My beautiful wife… I ran my thumb across her lips. “I want to ask you something, and I want you to tell me the truth.”
“Ask me.”
“Erica…” I paused, the words knotting in my throat for a moment. “Do you really want a baby?”
She stilled and tried to look down, but I wouldn’t let her. I tipped her chin, lifting her gaze to mine.
“Tell me,” I whispered. “I want to know if this is what you really want.”
She swallowed and slid her hands down to my chest. “I want to share every possible experience with you, Blake.”
“I want that too.”
“I don’t know if we’re ready, but…”
“But what?” I asked, keeping my voice steady, objective. I wouldn’t let on how my heart thundered in anticipation of her confession.
She drew in a deep breath. “I’m scared that if we wait… that we’ll never get a chance.” She pulled the edge of her lip between her teeth. “It’s so soon. Maybe too soon. I don’t know if it’s something you could possibly want right now. And, also… I don’t want to disappoint you.”
I grasped her hand in mine and squeezed gently. “That’s impossible. You know that, right?”
Her gaze flickered to mine, a hint of a smile playing on her lips.
Meanwhile a hundred disjointed thoughts whizzed through my mind. I’d narrowed my vision of the world to encompass only work for so many years. Then my relationship with Erica had changed how I saw everything. Widening that view further to accommodate the possibilities of parenthood was new. Not unwelcome, but unsettling in its own way. The question of having children was never one I’d had to answer until circumstances threatened the possibility altogether. Then suddenly, the resounding answer in my mind was yes. I wanted to give Erica a baby. I wanted to watch her grow round with our child. I wanted that experience, as thrilling and terrifying as it seemed.
Everything was uncertain now. When, how, if… Worst of all, so much of it was beyond my control.
I could hack my way into some of the most sophisticated systems in the world, but I had no control over the science of her body and the damage that had been sustained there, the consequences of which still remained to be seen.
If the prospect of having a child with Erica was new and a little mind-boggling, being helpless to ensure she could have that experience turned everything upside down. I had wealth, influence, and technology at my fingertips. I’d worked for all of it and in many ways took for granted the level of control over my world that came with it. Now I had the woman I loved in my arms, and despite everything, we were at the mercy of chance and nature’s whim.
The fact both frustrated and emboldened me. I’d do whatever I possibly could to bring us closer. Come hell or high water, I’d meet every need, wish, and desire she had. I tightened my hold on her a fraction, the fervency of my silent admission wreaking havoc on my emotions. “If this is what you want, it’s what I want. And I’m ready if you think you are.”
A small smile crept over her lips. “We’ll never be ready. I think we just have to be crazy enough to try.”
I locked my gaze to hers. “Believe me, I’ve been trying.”
Her breathing sped up, and a shiver worked its way over my skin. I’d never said it before, but I’d been trying like hell since she’d healed enough for me to have her again. She hadn’t gone back on the pill, and I’d been inside her every night. I’d fucked her deeper and harder than I ever had, secretly hoping that doing so would give her what both of us feared we’d never have.
The two of us would be enough. I’d never need another, only her in my bed, in my arms, every day of our lives. But this is what she wanted, and deep down, I wanted it too. This would be more, so much more than I could really comprehend right now.
Hope glimmered in her eyes, hiding the sadness I’d seen there before. “How can you have that much faith, after everything we’ve been through?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. I feel like if we want it enough, it’ll happen. Or maybe I’m just not used to taking no for an answer.”
Overcome with all the things I couldn’t completely make sense of, I held her against me and kissed her again, more deeply this time. The soft press of her body was the sweetest kind of torture. The kiss became urgent, our tongues tangling. Her taste stirred my hunger. Her hips brushed against me, and I hardened. I wanted to claim her then, to sink deep inside her, again and again.
A groan left me, and I lifted her legs around me. She clung to me tightly as I walked us out of the pool.
Fingertips sliding over my scalp, thighs gripping my waist, she took over my senses as she’d done so completely, so many times before. I forced my eyes open between her kisses to find my way to the cabana next to the pool. I laid her down on the white terry sheet that hugged the lounging bed, and she tugged me down over her.
* * *
ERICA
My touch trembled over Blake’s shoulders. Rivulets of water trailed over his skin and down the strands of his hair onto me. Behind him, the night sky was an endless blanket of navy. Stars shimmered through the sheer fabric draped around the cabana.
Moments ago, I’d been scrambling to escape from my unconscious, wrapped up in scenes I’d relived too many times. Now I was in Blake’s arms, healed and whole, and the magnitude of what we’d shared moments ago had left me breathless. Could this be real?
I wasn’t convinced that what he’d just asked me hadn’t been a dream. I’d thought about it, of course. Every time we made love there was a possibility, but I’d never imagined that he was wishing for a baby too, that he was trying…
I wound around him, tangling our limbs as a surge of wanting coursed through me. He took my mouth, moaning. I could taste the love in our kiss, sweet against his tongue as he tantalized me with tiny delicious licks. His body was firm against me, every muscle flexing and taut as we moved over each other. Had there been a moment when I’d loved him more than I did now? I couldn’t remember. My heart swelled against the walls of my chest, flooding my veins with a rush of potent emotion.
“I love you,” I said, breathless when we separated. “God, I want you so much right now.”
He trailed kisses along my jaw, down my neck, to the tender place below my ear. He sucked and nipped, sending shivers over my skin.
“Erica,” he whispered against my neck, “I want to give you a baby tonight.”
The sweet proclamation stole the air from my lungs and the words that wanted to follow. My doubts. My fears. He’d wash them away anyway. He’d make them seem small and impossible in the face of what he wanted, we wanted.
“I want that too,” I said quietly.
He drew a damp stroke across my cheek, holding me with his gaze. Moonlight glittered off the droplets on his skin. “I know you’re scared.”
I didn’t want to admit to all those unspoken thoughts, but he was right. I only nodded, not wanting to give them a voice. Not tonight.
“I am too. If we’re going to try… if we’re really going to do this, I need to see it in your eyes. When I make love to you, I need you to believe it.”
“I want this, Blake.” My voice quivered, and my heart seized with emotion. “Make love to me… please.”
I smoothed my hands over the hard planes of his chest and over his taut abs. His erection throbbed against me, hot and demanding. Grasping it, I circled him and stroked the soft flesh to the tip. He hissed, gliding between my fingertips with a slow thrust.
I grew slick, evident when
he shifted so his erection slid against my folds. He repeated the motion, sending jolts of pleasure over my clit until I could no longer stand it. I pivoted my hips, hoping to guide him inside me. He grasped his erection, teasing the tip against my opening. I bit back a frustrated moan. The man loved to tease. Then, his focus riveted on the intimate place where we joined, he pressed into me slowly.
“Christ, you’re beautiful.”
He caught me by the knee, holding me open as he pushed in. I gasped for breath. The sensation of him filling me, of my body stretching for him, unraveled me every time. I pressed my fingernails into his forearm, a silent plea for him to claim me deeper.
“Watching my cock slide into you… it’s almost too much. Makes me want to lose it every time.”
I arched against him. “I want you deep.”
Palming my breast, he groaned and covered my body with the heat of his own. The hair on his chest teased my nipples, now hardened and hypersensitive. He kissed me, thrusting deeply. Then he gave me exactly what I asked for, as he had every night since I’d become his wife.
Nothing had ever felt so completely right.
I sank my head into the pillows behind me and pulled him down to me. I wanted us as close as we could be. Nothing but the sound of the waves and my cries as he made love to me filled the air. I closed my eyes tight, waiting for the rush of sensation to take me over.
“Erica… look at me.”
I opened my eyes, and the face of the only man I’d ever loved filled the frame of my vision. His lips parted with ragged breath. Each muscle flexing with effort. The vision was intoxicating… breathtaking.
We were all too human then, the vast ocean surrounding us and the tiny island we inhabited. We were two small beating hearts in this world, yet what we sought now seemed enormous. What we wanted and what could be created between us, a spark of life, so small and fragile, was too overwhelming to fully comprehend. My heart beat heavily in my chest with the weight of what we were trying for.
Hard Love Page 2