by Molly Evans
“No need to be. I could have taken him down had there been a need.” She leaned forward. “I would have protected you, too.”
Now, that made him laugh full out. It was a good feeling. And having experienced the way she’d dropped him to his knees in the utility room, he believed her. “I have no doubt.”
“Good night, Chase.”
“Good night.” He didn’t say her name out loud. He’d vowed back then never to say her name again and watched as she disappeared into the night.
CHAPTER FIVE
BASKETBALL MADE HIM SWEAT. Handball made him sweat. Racquetball made him sweat, too, but nothing made him sweat the way last night’s thoughts and erotic dreams of Emily had.
Dammit.
He didn’t want to think of her, didn’t want to remember, didn’t want to want or hold or need or ache for her the way he used to. He’d moved on. He’d moved on. So had she. But last night it had all come back to him. All the pain, the pleasure and the bitterness. For just a moment there in the parking lot he’d been okay, been able to talk to her, but then he’d remembered. Really remembered. Against his will, against everything he’d vowed not to do, he’d remembered. And he’d ached for her.
Everything that had happened to her had been his fault. His responsibility. The changes, the tears, the rape, the attack, the sorrow. Everything. And there wasn’t a damned thing he could do about it.
He couldn’t change it, couldn’t take it back, couldn’t make it better, and it would never, ever go away. And he could never, ever forgive himself. Occasionally he could forget about it, but it never went away.
Rolling over on the bed, he looked out the window at the rising sun. At this time of the year life was in suspended animation. Fall and its crisp air hadn’t hit yet, and the heat of the summer lingered on for a few more weeks, giving a false sense of pleasure that summer tranquility was going to last forever. Trees to the east glowed gold with the light behind them, the leaves taking on a gilt edge with each second that passed.
Unable to rest any longer, he dressed in running shorts, a T-shirt and trainers, then plugged in some music on his phone loud enough to quiet the voices in his head and took off out the front door.
At this time of the day morning joggers were a fair-weather lot. Some people he’d see on a regular basis, others only when the mood struck them and others sporadically. Today he didn’t care. Foul in mood and in mind, he took off at a moderate pace, not wanting to injure himself but fast enough to challenge himself.
And he began to sweat. Again.
Someone slapped him on the arm, and he nearly stumbled. Slowing, he yanked the headset out, prepared to give someone a piece of his mind.
“What are you doing?” the man beside him asked.
“Dammit, what are you doing?” He’d forgotten. After the events of yesterday he was lucky he remembered his own name.
“You were supposed to wait for me.” He took off, and Chase fell into place beside him.
“I forgot.” Dammit.
“Forgot, hell. You never forget anything.” Danny Hoover, firefighter, running and racquetball partner, and Emily’s brother, jogged with him in the early-morning sun.You could have told me.” He glared at Danny, unleashing the full brunt of his anger.
“Told you what?” Danny took the inner part of the path around a corner, and Chase moved into the outside position. Danny looked a little like Emily at times, but not so much that Chase felt he was looking at her when he saw Danny. Over the years he’d been able to compartmentalize things and just forget they were siblings.
“You know exactly what I mean. That she was coming back. You could have told me.” Like he hadn’t known.
Danny grinned and narrowly dodged a tree. “What, and take away the element of surprise? Besides, you said you were over her. It shouldn’t have mattered, right?”
“I was. I am. It doesn’t. But some warning would have helped.” He was over her, wasn’t he?
“Helped what?”
The man was a pea brain. Maybe he’d inhaled too many toxic fumes during house fires and they had begun to affect his brain. “The first time I saw her. It would have helped me prepare.”
“Why would you need to be prepared? You said you were over her.” Another turn on the path, a flock of ducks down by the pond looking for an early morning hand out.
“Because I...” Why had he wanted to know? Good question he really didn’t want to answer.
“You want to be in control?” Danny provided the suggestion.
“No, I don’t.”
“Really? Isn’t that why you’re a surgeon? Couldn’t be God and that was the next best thing?” He grinned.
Chase gave Danny a shove and nearly knocked him off the trail. “Where’d you hear that? That’s not me, and you know it.”
“Around the station. One of the guys is married to an OR nurse. Her opinion of surgeons in general, I think.”
“I see. Which one?”
“No way! I’m not ratting her out. You’ll just have to be on your best behavior in the OR from now on.”
“Like that’s gonna happen.” He knew what most surgeons were like in the OR: giant toddlers with scalpels. He’d had his moments, for sure, but now that he was a little older, a little more experienced, his confidence in his skills had grown, and he didn’t need to yell at the people around him in order to work with them. Others hadn’t evolved as much.
“So, a leopard can’t change its spots, right?”
“Don’t change the subject. You’re not off the hook for not telling me she was coming back.” Hardly. Danny would be paying for that one for a long time.
“I know. But I couldn’t decide which was worse, telling or not telling you, so I let the universe decide. If you two ran into each other then it was fate, meant to be. You’re both grown-ups. You can deal, right?”
“Right.” Chase jogged along in silence through the beauty of the low country, what was called the Tidewater, an area strongly influenced by the ocean tides. The area was filled with marshes and estuaries for waterfowl and major fishing grounds for the commercial industry. A place he’d called home his entire life. A place where something had been missing until yesterday.
“So how is she? I haven’t seen her yet.”
“Fine.” He paused. “But she cut her hair.” It had once been a source of pride to her, and he’d loved the way it had looked on her. Now she looked like a completely different person. Still beautiful, but very different.
“Oh, yeah, she did that a couple of years ago. Right after. Then.” He cleared his throat. “What color is it now?”
“Brown and red and blonde.”
“Ha. Used to be platinum, then orange for a while. Even dyed it black and gold for her favorite football team once.” He shook his head and laughed. “She’s a kick in the pants.”
“Literally,” he said, thinking of her new martial-arts skills. “First day on the job yesterday and she took on some drunk without breaking a sweat.”
“That’s my sister. Doesn’t take crap from anybody anymore.”
“The guy was the husband of a patient. Beat his wife up pretty bad. Had to take her to emergency surgery, and then this drunk comes in, trying to give her a hard time.”
“Emily wouldn’t have taken too kindly to that.”
“No. Especially not when the guy put his hand on her, or at least tried to.” Chase still couldn’t believe how deftly she’d handled that particular issue when he’d touched her in the utility room. His pride still stung that she’d gotten the drop on him.
Danny whistled as they rounded another turn. “I’d have paid money to see that.”
“She was so fast.” Chase barked out a quick laugh. “She was just cool as could be.”
“Only on the outside.”
&nb
sp; “Huh?”
“She was cool on the outside, appeared to be calm. Inside, I’m sure there was a storm of rage boiling.” They arrived to their usual turnaround spot and headed back the way they had come. “Been a problem for a couple of years, the rage, but she’s learning to channel it.”
“That’s what she said later. She was meditating in the supply room. She never used to meditate. What’s up with that?”
“She’s learning new skills. Goes along with the martial arts. Calm mind, strong body. Nobody messes with you then.”
“I see.” Chase paused a moment, letting that sink in. He’d loved her once and wanted her to be whole again. “She did give me quite a warning when I touched her.”
“Ouch! You still have a hand left? She could have killed you without breaking a nail.” He laughed. “I’m surprised she didn’t.”
“Still have both hands, but...I don’t know why I touched her. Or tried to offer her some comfort.” It had been stupid, even he knew that. They were over, history, and he’d had no business speaking to her in more than a professional way.
“Comfort? From you?” Danny gave a whistle. “Wow.”
“Yeah, even from me. She didn’t need it and didn’t want it, so I left it at that.”
“She’s tougher than she used to be, that’s for sure, but it saved her soul, know what I mean?” Danny gave a quick glance at Chase.
“I know what you mean. And I’m glad she’s doing well. I hope she finds a place where she can be comfortable again, even if it’s here.”
“Really?” Danny stopped to laugh. Chase stopped, but didn’t get the humor.
“What’s so funny?”
“You are! You believe that crap you just told me? You hope she finds where she belongs, blah, blah, blah. Really? You’re so full of it you can’t see it for yourself.”
“What are you talking about?” Chase tried to ignore the squiggle of something in his gut and it wasn’t his breakfast. Maybe it was his intuition, or guilt, or maybe his conscience. In any case, it bothered him.
“You’re not over her, never have been and never will be. So get over yourself, over your lies, and be a man. Go talk to her.”
“I’ve talked to her. At work. Just yesterday.” That was the absolute truth. He ignored the irritation rocking up his spine at the suggestion he was lying to himself.
“That’s not what I mean, and you know it.” Danny stopped laughing, his eyes now serious. “You owe it to her and yourself to see if there’s anything left before you either of you can move on. It doesn’t matter how much time has passed, it’s not been over for either of you. It’s time you settled it once and for all.”
* * *
“Ha!” Pause. “Ha!” Pause. Emily faced herself in the mirror at her early-morning class at the martial-arts studio. This was the first place she’d taken a self-defense class and returning here felt like the homecoming she’d been waiting for. The people here had understood her needs at the time, after her attack, and had given her the skills she’d needed to defend herself and the privacy to work out her grief. She’d surrounded herself with women of courage and strength, and some little bit of those elements had seeped into her psyche every day. Every day she’d grown a little stronger, until she could stand on her own.
Then, it had been all she could do to live in the moment, let alone plan for an uncertain future. So she hadn’t planned anything, other than going to the first class, then the second class, and the next after that.
“Hey, Emily, looking good.” Approaching her was the dojo owner, Rose. Asian, small and petite, she looked as fragile as her name on the outside, but Emily had seen the woman take down men three times her size with hardly any effort. This was not a woman to mess with.
“Thanks.” She rolled her shoulders and stayed focused on her stance. Focus was the key. If she let her brain loose, it just went wild.
“I wanted to ask you about teaching some classes for us.”
Surprised, Emily lost her focus. “What? Me?”
“Yes, you.” Rose took a stance beside Emily and mirrored her movements. “You’re perfect, and uniquely qualified to teach self-defense classes for women.” Rose referenced Emily’s attack that had led to her quest in martial arts without bringing up the pain of it.
“I see.” She moved into another position, held it, focused on her breathing.
“Do you? You’re ready now.” Reposition. Breathe.
“But I don’t think that is my path.” Reposition. Breathe. “I am a student of hapkido but not a master by any stretch of the imagination and certainly not qualified to teach.”
Rose kept her gaze soft, looking at the floor far in front of them. “Are you going to make me say it?”
“Say what?” Had she missed something? Rose rarely spoke in metaphors or in the vague ways some masters did. She was just a regular woman with an interesting job where she got to hit people without being arrested.
“Seriously?” Rose broke her focus with a laugh, her eyes crinkling up at the edges, and she actually snorted. “You must be tired if you’re missing this one.”
“Oh, quit and just tell me.” What? What had she missed? Was she seriously brain dead today?
“When the teacher is ready...” Rose rolled her hand in a circle, indicating Emily should finish the sentence.
“Oh, God...and the teacher will appear.” She closed her eyes. “You have students already, don’t you?”
“The first class is full, and we have a waiting list.” Rose grinned at Emily in the mirror, and then returned to her pose. “Keep breathing. It will be okay. Remember, it’s okay if all you do sometimes is breathe.”
“I think I saw that one on social media somewhere.” She narrowed her eyes at her friend in the mirror. She would have to reconsider the wiliness of her friend.
“It’s been revamped for the current culture, but it’s based on an old saying that doesn’t translate the same way.”
“So, when’s the first class scheduled?” Emily gave a mental sigh, knowing she couldn’t let Rose or the students down. Just as her patients needed her nursing skills, these students might need her personal protection skills. If even one of them could protect themselves from an assault, it would be worth it.
“After we’re through here we can look at the calendar and work it with your schedule. Just once a week.”
“Oh, good.” She relaxed a little. Maybe she could handle this. Maybe she could learn to be a teacher if it was just once a week.
“For now.” Rose gave a Cheshire-cat smile.
“What?” Anxiety started to leak out her pores.
“No pressure.”
“Really?” Emily raised one brow at that.
“Really. But with a waiting list...”
“You’re such a bad liar. You have a plan already, don’t you?” Why she was surprised, Emily didn’t know, but she was.
“Of course. I’d love to have you become the key trainer for women’s self-defense here.” Rose clasped her hands together. “That would be just fabulous.”
“You are out of your mind if you think I can do that.” Really. “I have a career as a nurse.”
“Yes. One that has served you well, and I’m not suggesting you give it up. I’m only suggesting you consider expanding your horizons, for lack of a better term, to help other women defend themselves in a way you could not.”
Emily stood stone-faced. Her friend knew the whole story, the details of her assault as well as the aftermath and the agony she’d gone through. For her to make a suggestion was a serious thing, and one Emily was certain she hadn’t considered lightly.
“You’re really serious, not just yanking my chain?”
“I’m very serious. Women are determined to take care of themselves, and they need someone to teach them how.” Ros
e also concealed her emotions from her expression. “They need you, and I would be honored to help facilitate their quest to find the right teacher.”
Emily wiped the sweat from her forehead and faced Rose directly. “I will have to meditate on this, but I am honored and humbled you think I’m capable of this mission.” It was a mission. She’d embarked on it when she’d begun to heal and had never stopped. Maybe it was a quest, as Rose had just said. Either way, she needed to consider it from all angles before coming to an answer.
Placing her palms together, she bowed to Rose, who returned the gesture.
“Meditate on it and let me know. You’re ready.” Rose laid those dark, dark eyes, filled with knowledge of the ancient ways, on Emily.
“I will let you know as soon as I can.” She left the studio with her heart a bit lighter and decided to stop by the hospital to check on her patient from yesterday. That should be a nice, short distraction, then she could go home, shower, finish unpacking her stuff and make plans for the next few days.
She knew how to work the system of being a travel nurse. She’d been at it for years. Get moved into the apartment provided by the agency she worked for, unpack the necessaries, get through orientation, work hard for three months, and then move on to the next assignment. After three years she had it down to a system that worked for her.
Right now she was going to violate her own policy by going to the hospital in her practice clothes, her gi, which would give others too much information about her but maybe it was time to expand her boundaries a little, let her guard down just a bit.
She pulled into the parking lot of the hospital and parked in the employee lot, hoping she wouldn’t run into Chase, that he’d be somewhere else, but as she put the car into Park she looked up and there he was, like he’d been waiting for her.
Was it her fate now to run into him at every moment?
CHAPTER SIX
TOO LATE TO back the SUV out, he’d seen her and nodded. He stood at the edge of the lot near the green space where there were trees and a little brook where patients, staff and family members could sit at the picnic tables and visit or smoke.