by Molly Evans
“Keep your eyes on me. Focus on me, on us. I want to see you.”
She did. The connection with him, the fullness he created inside her, the stretch of her body to accommodate him kept her focused on him and only him. On the sensations pulsing between them, drawing open that door that had been closed between them.
Something in his eyes changed as he eased fully inside her.
Sweat popped out on her skin at the weight of him and a choking sensation closed her throat. The room spun around her, and she couldn’t breathe. Eyes wide, breath strangling in her throat, panic threatened her mind and she turned her face away and scrunched her eyes closed as images of her attacker flooded her mind.
“No. No!” Frantic, she pushed at his shoulders, tried to get him off her.
“Stay with me, love. Emily, stay with me.”
“It’s...your weight.” Being pressed down into the couch was what had done it, reminding her of the assault, taking her back to that awful night. Struggling to push it away, she battled to rise. “Get up, get up!”
He backed off and sat, his hands raised, waiting for her to make the next move. She straddled his thighs, taking control of the situation, her position facing him.
“Better?” His voice was soft, a mere whisper in her ears, encouraging her to proceed.
Chase kept his hands on her hips and pulled a nipple into his mouth again. “Oh, that’s it, that’s what I want, what I need.”
Slowly, she rose up onto her knees and his erection sprang upward between them. She positioned herself to allow him to enter her, and she angled her hips back and forth, teasing him, teasing herself with him, becoming more comfortable with the feel of him inside her as she eased onto him.
He threw his head back against the couch, drawing his breath in through gritted teeth at the exquisite torture. His fingers dug into her hips with the effort to control his body, control his mind.
When she was ready, when the moment was right, she took him fully into her and waited until her body molded around him. “Oh, my, Chase.”
“Emily.” He pulled her forward to kiss her, to plunder her mouth with his, and she gave him back everything she had. Hips angled, he pulled her back and forth over him, stimulating her flesh, and she clutched his arms.
“Oh-God-oh-God-oh-God.” She was going to climax again and she let her body go as she never had before. Chase clutched her hips and kept the pace up until she was nearly exhausted, and the trigger of her climax clicked. Pulses of heat, electricity and pure pleasure swept through her as she came. Her sheath clutched him over and over again until he stiffened and cried out with his pleasure.
Pulsing and electric, he released, letting her body work him over until he was just a mass of twitching nerve endings.
Hot and sweating, they clutched each other. Chase moved his arms upward to clasp her around the middle and began to rock her. Rocked back and forth, pushed her hair away from her face and pressed a kiss to her hand.
And she cried. For the first time since the rape she cried in his arms. His heart broke and tears filled his own eyes at the anguish and sorrow unleashed. The sound of her sobs would never leave his mind or his heart, and he knew he was responsible for them. Back then she’d wanted to forgive him, but he hadn’t been able to let her. Now he didn’t know. The pain was still so sharp.
“I’m so sorry, Emily. So, so sorry.”
Some moments passed as he held her, rocked, listening to her tears and releasing his own that had been pent up.
“This was beautiful, Chase, and something I didn’t know I needed. Thank you.”
Pushing her damp hair back from her face, he used his thumbs and wiped away the tears making black trails down her face. “Seriously?”
“I never thought I’d make love again. I’d convinced myself I didn’t need sex, or the physical contact with a man anymore, that I’d had enough in the years we were together.”
“That’s just sad.” He raised his brows at her, trying to make her laugh. There was healing in laughter as well as tears.
“I know, right?” She laughed, then tried to take a breath but snorted instead. And that made her laugh again, and Chase watched the joy of her unleash in his arms.
He laughed too, like he hadn’t done in years.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
THEY STAYED UP for half the night, showered together, made breakfast and coffee at 3:00 a.m. and then finally slept, cuddled together naked.
Emily slept like the dead for the first time in three years. No dreams, no nightmares, no waking up trembling from some unfamiliar noise she’d heard in the dark.
Chase slept deeply contented, with no haunting feelings of loss, of pain, or emptiness surrounding his mind or heart.
They woke to bright sunshine streaming in the window. Gone was the gloom of the past few days, and the overcast atmosphere had given way to the bliss of an Indian summer. The morning was half-gone by the time they roused, and dressed with a side trip to Chase’s townhouse for a change of clothing and his running shoes.
What was supposed to have been a leisurely walk around the park ended up as a competitive sprint, with Emily in the lead and Chase bringing up the rear, snagging her around the waist and dragging her to the grassy lawn. “Caught you!”
With a squeal she tumbled to the ground with him, gasping for breath.
People raced and ambled around them. On a Saturday there were all kinds of people out there in the park with them. Moms with babes in strollers, young people chasing Frisbees and throwing balls for dogs to retrieve.
The sound of thundering footsteps neared them as two young men chased around. One held up a beanie high in the air, like he was running across the finish line of a race. “I got it now, sucka!” Laughter followed him, and so did his companion.
“Come back here, you. Bitch!” The second young man raced after the friend with the hat. “You bitch, I’m going to get you!”
The smile on Emily’s face froze and her eyes widened, her breathing came in short little gasps. A humming began in her ears and drowned out everything else. She rose from the grass and began walking. She didn’t know where, didn’t know why, but she had to move, had to leave, had to get out of there. The sensation of panic, choking, drowning saturated her and stole the breath from her lungs.
Someone grabbed her by the arm and stopped her. Panic and finely tuned instincts surged to the surface. She lashed out with her fists and knocked Chase on his ass. “I told you not to touch me!” She stood there, hands in fists, legs braced apart as if she were going into battle.
“Emily. Wait. It’s me. It’s Chase.” He jumped to his feet, rubbing the center of his chest where she’d hit him.
“What?” The haze of panic began to lift, primal, protective instincts began to recede, and the world came back into focus. “What?” She blinked several times, looking at Chase as if she didn’t know where she was.
“Focus on me.” He panted, but kept a short distance from her.
“Why are you looking at me that way?” She took in a deep breath and blew it out, tried to get her heart to stop racing and quieten the buzz in her ears.
“Are you okay now?” Concern emanated from his face.
She looked around at the blue sky, the changing leaves on the trees swaying in a light breeze, the people moving around them. “I don’t know what happened.” She took a step closer to him and raised a hand to her forehead. “Chase?” Starting in her middle, the tremors began.
“Can I touch you now? Are you okay with that?” He held his arms out and let her move into his embrace when she was ready to.
Hesitating, deeply saddened, and shaking, she allowed her body to touch his and slowly raised her arms around his middle, and pressed her face against his chest. The thumping of his heart was strong in her ear, and she closed her eyes as he put h
is arms around her.
“What happened?”
“I...don’t know.”
“We were having a good time, then those two guys with the beanie ran by, and then you panicked.” He rubbed her back.
It all came back to her in an instant, and she pulled away from Chase. “We need to go now. I need to go home now. Or take me to the studio.” With quick strides, she began to walk away from him, but he kept up with her.
“Okay. I’ll take you home. I’ll take you to the studio, whatever you need—just tell me what happened.” They arrived at the car and he unlocked it and opened her door, but she didn’t get in.
The space was too confined, too narrow, too dark, even on such a bright day. “Maybe I’ll just walk home.”
“Nonsense. If you aren’t ready to get into the car we’ll wait. It’s okay.”
Anger flashed inside her like a lightning storm over the Chesapeake Bay. “It’s not okay. It’ll never be okay.” She slammed the door shut and covered her face with her hands. Tears hit like a storm, and she screamed until she thought she couldn’t scream anymore. Down on her knees, she couldn’t press back the force of the emotions swirling like a deadly tornado inside her.
“Emily, Emily!” Chase knelt near her and called her name. “Emily. Honey. Stop crying. Please, stop crying.”
Finally, his voice and his words penetrated her mind. Breathe, just breathe. The voice of her sensei entered her mind, emerged from the depths of the place she’d crawled into when she’d first entered her recovery. She took a breath, then another and another. Controlling the shaking in her limbs was quite another issue. “Okay. Okay.” Tears still streamed down her face, but her breathing was better.
“That’s it.” His voice was soft and soothing to her, the same way Rose’s had been, and she turned into him now, pressed her face into his shoulder and allowed him to help her up. “Can you stand?”
“Yes. I think so.” She nodded and clutched his arm. Then he placed his other hand at her waist and helped her back to the car. He opened the door, but before helping her inside he opened both windows all the way.
“This might help.” He assisted her into the passenger seat, reached in to buckle her, then hurried around to the other side of the vehicle, got in and pulled out of the parking lot. “Where do you want to go?”
“Take me home.”
“Okay. Do you want to go to the studio?”
She took in a few breaths. “No.” Her voice was flat and unemotional, reminding him of times past. “It’s too crowded there today. Too many people. Just take me home.”
Minutes later he unlocked the door to her apartment, pushed it wide, and they entered. “You can go now.” Emily started for her bedroom.
“No. You stay put. I’m going to check out your apartment, make sure everything’s okay. Then we’ll talk.”
Emily ignored him, her brain paralyzed by the event at the park. She needed her control, needed her armor on to protect her. Now. Shucking her clothing, she put on her gi and tightened the belt around her waist.
For the first time in an hour she could take a deep breath, felt the energy of who she was now flowing over her as if it poured over the top of her head, down her shoulders and all the way to her feet, encapsulating her in the protective shield she required for her personal safety. She’d momentarily forgotten it.
With her eyes closed, she stood by the bed and focused, turned inward. Raising her hands against her shoulders, palms facing out, she slowly moved her hands away from her body as if she were pushing out of a balloon, enlarging her energy to a larger bubble. Another deep breath, and she could feel the presence of her new self returning to her, having been temporarily displaced.
“How are you?” Chase spoke from the doorway.
She opened her eyes, blinked, having forgotten he was there. Then it all came back to her and her shield pulsed strongly, more protectively around her. “You can go.”
“I’m not leaving you.” He took a hesitant step forward. “What happened back there? One minute we were having a great time, and the next you weren’t there.”
“It doesn’t matter.” She brushed past him to the living room and spread out her meditation mat, sat down on the edge of it. Her feet were tucked beneath her, and she sat back on her heels, something Chase was certain would cause him considerable pain, but she moved into the position as if she’d been doing it for years. Maybe she had. Hell, there was so much about her he didn’t know right now, but really, really wanted to. If she would let him.
He sat down on the other end of her mat with his feet extended.
“I said you can leave now.” The only things that moved were her mouth and her eyelids opening. “I actually need you to leave.” The tone of her voice was flat, unemotional, controlled.
“I’m not leaving.” He kept his tone even, his eyes on hers, but inside he raged, at the universe, at the rapist, and the society that had made such a creature, but mostly at himself for not seeing her PTSD when he’d needed to. It all made sense.
“I left you before, and I’m not doing it again.”
“You think you’re helping me right now, but you’re not.”
“I don’t know that I’m helping you, but I want to. Something set you off back there, and you need to talk about it. I’m here, and I don’t have to be anywhere until Monday morning.” He spread his hands out in front of him. “Tell me.”
“No.”
“Emily, holding stuff like this inside you only gives it more power.”
“Like you’d know anything about it.” Anger finally blazed in her face, seeming to shoot out the ends of her hair, the blond tips looked like they were on fire.
“Why don’t you tell me?” Now he kept his voice modulated and calm, not reacting to the emotion in hers. He needed to be a rock for her now.
She closed her eyes, shutting him out. Okay. If she wouldn’t talk, he would. “I wanted to kill him. I wished I had found him and killed him myself.”
She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“No, you wouldn’t have. It’s not you, not who you are.”
“I wanted to.”
“So did I. For a while, then I had to let it go so it didn’t rule my life.” She opened her eyes, now calmer, and he could almost see the energy swirling around her, soothing her, and he wished he could do that for her. The powerlessness he felt at the moment overwhelmed him, emasculated him and nearly drove him to his knees.
She was withdrawing into herself right in front of him, and he couldn’t do a damned thing about it. She was back to the distant figure he’d known before.
“Come back, Emily. Stay here.”
“I can’t, Chase. Not right now.”
“I’ll wait for you here.”
“No. You need to go. I’m fine.” Another deep breath. She rose elegantly from her position. “If you care about me the way you say you do, you’ll leave now and never come back. I don’t want you. I don’t need you.” Tears filled her eyes. “I thought I could come back here and pick up with you, could have a relationship with you, but I realize now I can’t. It’s too much for me.”
“Emily...” The pain in his chest was almost unbearable. He couldn’t do it, couldn’t walk away from her. “I do care about you, more than ever.” How could he tell her he’d never healed, never recovered from the trauma that had ripped apart both of their lives?
“Then go.” She took a breath, and he heard the jagged edges of it catch in her throat. “Please.” Her voice was just a whisper, but it cut through him as surely as a scalpel would have.
Hurt, pained beyond comprehension, he went to the door and paused. “I’ll leave, but not because I want to. We’ll talk again soon.”
“It’s what I need right now.” She stayed in the living room, keeping as much distance between
them as possible.
He paused with his hand on the knob, took one long look at her, opened the door and stepped outside, then closed it behind him. He would wait until she locked the door before he left, he’d make sure she was safe this time.
Then something overcame him, in that nanosecond of waiting for her to lock the door, it possessed him at a cellular level and urged him to action. He twisted the knob and burst back through the door.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
“I WAS ABOUT to lock that.” She stood in the kitchen, her eyes wary, her body stiff and tense, watching and waiting for him to make a move.
“The hell you were. I’m not leaving. I love you, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“Chase...” she said, and her voice cracked. “Don’t say that. You don’t mean it, and I don’t want to hear it.” Not now. Not ever. Never again would she set herself up for being hurt that way.
“I do, and I know you still love me. I don’t know how I’ve gotten through these last few years without you.” He gave a caustic laugh and looked down. “Actually, I do know. I was arrogant as hell. I don’t know why you stayed with me as long as you did. I was an idiot for not being more patient, having more insight, and I don’t know how you can ever forgive me.”
She paused, her eyes narrowed at him, her face flushed. “Are you asking me now to forgive you when you wouldn’t let me do it before?”
“No.” Another harsh laugh erupted from his throat. “There’s no way I’m asking that. No way you should do it. I’m just hoping we can move past this.”
“Then what do you want? You wouldn’t let me forgive you back then. If you won’t now, there’s nothing. Without forgiveness, there’s no future for us, or anything.” That was a lesson it had taken her a long time to understand. Letting go, forgiving. They were the same to her. But if he didn’t allow her to forgive him and forgive himself, there was nothing for sure. Neither of them would have lives.
He raked both hands through his hair, then punched the air. “Hell, I don’t know. I don’t know, Emily, I just know I can’t go on this way, pretending you don’t mean anything to me because you do.” He paced the kitchen several times, then clutched his hands to his head and yelled. “Argh!”