by Kay Maree
Closing her eyes tightly, she turned to see him hauling the plastic branches out to the skip-bin. There was no way she would win the fight, but she needed to know.
“I thought you said you weren’t going to see Mariah anymore,” she said. She sucked in a deep breath, awaiting the answer she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear.
“I never promised that,” he deadpanned.
Kiera’s jaw slackened.
“She works with me, Kiera. What am I meant to do, huh? Quit my job? You know I can’t do that. What would you live off then? Fresh air and sunshine?”
“Karl,” she whined. Immediately hating herself for the tone of her voice.
“Have you been reading my messages?” His face reddened with anger.
“I didn’t mean to,” she lied.
“So you’ve been checking up on me? Snooping?”
“No, I . . . .” She stopped in her tracks, what could she say? She had been snooping.
“You have no right to look through my phone. You have your own phone. Do I snoop through that?”
“You’re the only person I have on there,” she argued. “No one else wants to be my friend, remember?”
“No wonder, if you go around spying on them.”
“I wasn’t spying. You said . . . ,”
“I said she was filling a need you weren’t. Anyway, I Just had her organising an appointment for me.”
“An appointment?” That made sense; the message had read 10 AM. “What for?”
“Her brother is a gynaecologist.”
Kiera snorted. “Yeah, right.” Then seeing the seriousness on his face. “What would you need to see a gynaecologist for?”
“It’s for you. I want you to see him about getting your tubes tied.”
“But . . . but you can’t make me do that. What if I don’t want to?” Salty tears stung the edges of her eyes, and her voice faltered as a heavy weight fell over her, threatening to take her legs from under her. How could he do that? Did he know she had tricked him? She had hoped they could try again one day but now? He wanted to rob her of that.
“I told you right from the start I didn’t want children, Kiera. Don’t pretend like you didn’t know.”
Her palm flew involuntarily to her flat belly. She had felt lost and empty since losing her baby.
“Look, I’m not a complete monster, Kiera. I know how much it hurt you losing that baby. I couldn’t possibly see you go through that again,” he said, losing the angry stance. “Seeing the look on your face that day in hospital . . . I just couldn’t, Kiera.” He moved closer to her, reaching out, he took her hand in his. Her gaze remained on the floor at her feet. “I love you more than anything in the whole world. I always have. I can’t risk losing you.”
Tears dripped down her cheeks, and she didn’t try to stop them as she looked up to him. “I wanted a family. Shouldn’t I get a choice in all of this? We can use something else, a different kind of contraception.”
“You’re not well, Kiera. You’re confused. You don’t know what you want. I’m making the right choice for both of us. We’re in this together. We can’t live without each other. We’re like Romeo and Juliet. I couldn’t live without you, or you without me. All that shit out there,” he waved his arms behind him, “none of that matters, Kiera. All that matters is you and me. We belong with each other. No one can change that. Not your family. No one. We are a family. Not them.”
Wrapping his arms around her, he pulled her tight against his chest. She wanted to pull away. She wanted to run, but at the same time, she wanted to believe he was right.
“Does she know?” she managed out. She thought about Mariah’s message; she’d said she missed him. What was that all about? Did she love him?
“Who?”
“Mariah.”
“It’s got nothing to do with her,” Karl snapped. Then turned and pulled down a box from a high shelf before dropping it to the concrete floor with a thud.
“Or me, it seems.”
“Do we have to go over this again and again?” he sighed long and hard.
“I just feel like I should have a choice,” she stared hard at the floor.
Karl moved in front of her, and she could see his feet, feel his nearness, but she didn’t look up.
“Do you want to be with me?”
She didn’t respond. What could she say? The only life she knew was one with Karl. He had been her high-school sweetheart. She had vowed to love him until death, and they were both still alive.
“Do you?” he demanded more forcefully. Kiera knew he hated to be ignored. She reasoned it was from his childhood, years of being ignored, neglected, and abandoned.
“Of course, I do,” she finally ground out.
Again, his voice softened. “Then you will do this one little thing for me. It’s not a big operation, they can do it through key-hole. Mariah had it done and was back at work two days later.”
Kiera bristled at the mention of the woman’s name. “So she does know. Why are you discussing our personal business with her?”
“Oh, for God’s sake, Kiera. Would you get over your jealousy already? It was just that she had it done. Then she mentioned her brother had arranged it for her.”
“Isn’t that kind of weird?”
Karl shrugged in the way he did when he was a boy, and for a moment, she saw the old Karl, her friend. “I guess. I never really thought about it, to be honest. She was just telling me about it, and I suggested you should see him too. So she arranged an appointment for you.”
“Tomorrow,” Kiera whispered, accepting her fate. “Tomorrow at ten AM.”
Chapter Twelve
“How old are you, Kiera?” The doctor asked, his pen poised in his hand.
He was a lot younger than she had expected. A thick mane of dark hair, a perfect man-scaped trace of beard ran along his jaw with a thin line that ran from his chin to his bottom lip. His upper lip appeared to have been freshly shaved. His broad shoulders were adorned with an expensive suit jacket, under which he wore a dark blue, cotton shirt with the first few buttons loose, no tie.
“I’ll be thirty in September,” she answered, her gaze flitting to Karl. She hoped the doctor would say she was too young, let her off the hook.
“And you have not had any children?”
“Well, except for . . . ,”
“No,” Karl interjected.
“I see.” He tapped away at his keyboard. “We don’t routinely agree to this procedure in a woman with no children.” Kiera felt the air escape her lungs in relief, but the doctor went on. “However, we do make exceptions. You do understand this is a permanent form of birth control? We not only cut the tubes, but we also cauterise them. We do this because there have been rare cases where due to scar tissue, the tubes have reattached.”
“So, it’s one hundred percent effective?” Karl asked.
“It is considered permanent, yes. There have been known instances where later a woman has changed her mind, and we have been able to reattach the tubes; however, the rate of her going on to have a successful pregnancy is greatly reduced, and we generally recommend other methods in these circumstances, such as IVF.”
“When can we have it done?”
The doctor ignored Karl’s questioning and carried on. “Are you one hundred percent sure you no longer wish to have children, Kiera?”
“She doesn’t,” Karl interrupted again, not allowing her a chance to speak. “It’s her mental health, see.”
“Kiera?” The doctor’s eyes bore into hers, and she looked to the wall in front of her, then to Karl, before turning back to him.
“Yes, I am sure,” she said firmly.
“Okay,” the doctor turned back to his computer and tapped at his keyboard again. “If you choose to be admitted as a public patient, I can organise the paperwork and have you added to the list. The wait time can be anywhere between six and twelve months for a tubal ligation.”
Karl fidge
ted nervously in the chair beside her, and she placed a hand on his thigh.
“Alternatively, you can go privately, in which case, we could book you in for, hmm, let me see . . . ,” he tapped a lead pencil at the screen, then pulled a small paper notebook from his draw. “I could do it next week, Tuesday.”
“We’ll take that.” The words were out of Karl’s mouth before she could even process what the doctor had said.
Doctor Hislop nodded and scribbled something down in his notebook. “I will have my assistant book you in. She will see to it that all the necessary appointments are made. You will need to meet with anaesthetist on Monday.”
“She’ll be there. Thank you, Doctor.” Karl rose to his feet and held out his right hand. “I appreciate you rushing this through for us. Kiera does too.”
The doctor's gaze fell to her, giving her a sympathetic smile. Kiera’s stomach twisted. It hadn’t been her choice. She wondered if Doctor Hislop had any children. If he knew his sister had been having an affair with Karl. Would he feel the same way about things then? Maybe it was all part of an elaborate scheme to get her to do what they wanted.
“Come now, we have to see the receptionist.” Karl tugged at her hand, and she rose from the chair.
Somehow, leaving the room meant that she had agreed to everything. She had said she was sure, but she wasn’t. It wasn’t what she wanted at all. Why couldn’t this man see through her lies? What had she hoped for? That he would refuse to do it? Yes! That was precisely what she had hoped. But he wasn’t on her side. No one was.
* * * *
“Have you ever thought about finding your biological father?” Kiera asked over dinner.
Karl dropped his cutlery to the plate with a clatter.
“Why would I want to do that?”
She shrugged. “You’re scared of being a dad because you don’t want to be a deadbeat like him. Maybe he’s not so bad. Maybe he had a good reason not to stick around.”
“Scared?” he scoffed. “I’m not scared.”
“Did he even know about you? I know your mother told you he didn’t want you, but she was on drugs. Maybe it was her he didn’t want. Not you.”
Karl rested his elbows on the table. “Where is all this bullshit coming from? It’s not about me, Kiera. You think this is all about me?” She fiddled with her cutlery. “I’ve lived here with you. I have seen how losing that baby has affected you. You’re not well, Kiera. You think having a baby will fix that? It will make it worse.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do know that. I’ve seen a lot more than you know.” He tapped his temple with his index finger. “I’ve seen crazy. You think because you grew up in a stable home, with a mum who worked full-time, that families are all about being loving and sweet. They’re not. Most families are fucked up. It wouldn’t be fair for us to bring a child into this world and fuck it up.”
“It doesn’t have the be that way. I love you, you love me. We would be amazing parents, Karl. We would love our child and show it how a proper family should be.”
“See, you’re delusional,” he rolled his eyes. “You live in a fantasy world. This is real life, Kiera. Wake up. You’re not in a book now.”
“I think you’re the one who’s wrong,” she muttered under her breath.
“I heard that, you crazy bitch. You better tone that down, because I’ve had enough of it.”
Kiera bit down hard on her bottom lip, almost drawing blood as she rose from the table and collected the empty dishes. There was no point arguing. She wouldn’t win. Karl had made up his mind, and there was no changing it. Tuesday would come, she would have the procedure, and he was right, maybe it was for the best. Maybe he really would be a terrible father.
* * * *
This time at the hospital, Karl barely left her side, maybe concerned she might not go through with it. When she woke, he was by her side, flowers in hand, and a wide smile.
“Why are you so happy?”
“Because my love, now I know it will be just you and me, forever. I’ll never have to share you with anyone.”
Is this what this was all about? She wanted to ask, she wanted to scream, but she didn’t. She didn’t need to ask. She already knew. His whole life, Karl had nobody, or at least he felt that way. The one woman he loved had died long before her time. He still carried the guilt of her death, even though he was nothing more than a young boy. He hadn’t killed her, but he hadn’t been able to save her either; to him, it was the same thing. Now, Karl was a grown man, but deep down inside, he was still a broken, scared, little boy.
Chapter Thirteen
Everywhere she went, Kiera saw pregnant women, their bellies proudly on display, and it was a constant reminder of what she had lost and what she would never have.
Karl either didn’t notice her sorrow or didn’t care. He had his own issues. The construction company he had worked with since leaving school was going through a massive change up. The original CEO had called a meeting and announced he was retiring, Karl hoped to be his successor.
“I mean, I can’t think of anyone who would be better for the role than I,” he told her. “I’ve been with the company for more than ten years and helped it develop.”
“Don’t some of the executive team have engineering degrees?” she asked.
Karl shrugged it off. “It’s just a bit of paper. They don’t know half the stuff I know. I have worked on-site. They sit at desks and move papers around. Most of the time, they ask me how to do things. They’re a bunch of clowns, that’s all. When I take over the company, I’ll probably fire them all.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t get your hopes up so much.”
“What, you don’t think I’ll get it? Geez, Kiera, if my own wife can’t support me.”
“It’s not that.”
“What then? You just don’t think I’m good enough, do you?”
“Of course, it’s just that if other people are more highly educated.”
“Say’s she,” he scoffed. “You think you are so fucking smart? You dropped out of school the same time I did, remember?”
How could she forget? She regretted it many times over, but she had been young, in love, and so very impressionable.
“I’m sorry, Karl,” she resigned.
“You’ll see, you won’t be degrading me when I’m earning twice what I am now. Will you?”
“No,” she replied softly.
The truth was, she didn’t care how much he earned. She couldn’t imagine him earning more would make any difference. As it turned out, after several weeks of hearing about it, someone else was chosen for the position. Karl was livid.
“They are complete idiots. I told you. The company is going to go to the dogs now. We are going to lose all our contracts.”
He refused to believe anyone could run the company as well as him. Kiera’s heart ached for him, she wanted to tell him she agreed, but she didn’t. The original CEO wasn’t a fool. He wouldn’t have left someone in charge that didn’t know what they were doing.
“So, I told them where they could stick their job.”
“You quit?” she asked aghast.
“I sure as shit did. If they can’t see what they’re missing out on, I’m going to show them. They can’t treat Karl Kingsley like that and get away with it. Who do they think they are?”
“Oh, Karl, what are we going to do?”
“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “Maybe it’s about time you got a job.”
“Me?”
He looked mockingly around the room. “Do you see anyone else here?”
“But I . . . what would I do?” She had wanted to work years ago. She had begged him to allow her to work, but he had insisted he wanted to take care of her.
“Well, you better hurry up and work that out.”
A mixture of excitement and terror-filled her, as her mind whirred with the possibilities. “Okay, I’ll start looking.”
“Now, make me lamb cutlets with mashed potato. I need comfort food.”
“Okay,” she grinned as she skipped toward the kitchen.
“Oh, and carrot cake too,” he called to her back.
It was going to be a huge change in her life, but one she was excited about making.
Chapter Fourteen
Finding a job when you’re over thirty, with no prior skills, was not an easy task. Most places wanted someone with experience. Kiera even had several managers laugh in her face when she told them she had never worked.
“Where’s the rest of it?” one asked while looking over her one-page resume.
“That’s it. I haven’t had a job.”
“So, why would I hire you?”
“Because I need to start somewhere,” she shrugged. If she were honest, she wouldn’t hire her either.
“Look,” the man said, his smile somewhere between sympathetic and sarcastic. “I’m sorry, but I can hire an untrained junior and pay them almost half what I’d have to pay you to do the same job.”
When she told Karl, he had laughed at her and told her she was useless. As if she didn’t already feel bad enough about herself. Finding a job was hopeless.
The only thing that brought any happiness to her life was knowing that Karl was no longer in contact with Mariah. Karl, it seemed, had no contact with anyone from his old life. It was as if he completely switched off and became another person the day he walked out on Archibald Construction. Now his life consisted of laying on the couch, playing video games, and ordering her around.
*
“The mortgage payment is due soon. Have you found a job yet?” Karl called from where he was fast making a permanent indent on the couch.
“I’ve been everywhere, no one will take me on.”
“Well, what are you going to do?” he struggled to hide his smirk as he watched her squirm.
“I don’t know,” she sighed. “Maybe we can sell something?”
Kiera had always relied on Karl. She hadn’t learned to balance a budget, write a cheque, or pay a bill. He had done all of that. Once a week, he would dole out a sum of money he felt she required for the weekly shopping.