The fifteen-minute drive home had been done in comfortable silence. Quinn was pleased as shit she’d been sprung from the hospital and I didn’t have it in me to spoil her good mood.
“Do you like it?” I asked, pulling her car into the garage next to my truck.
“Yes. I’ve been in this house. My friend Leslie lived here when I was in elementary school. I remember it being awesome but I was also nine, so…”
“I only signed a six-month lease so if you hate it—”
“Stop. I won’t hate it. And I don’t think I said this earlier—thank you. I appreciate you taking care of me. I just wish you’d let me take care of you.”
“Baby—”
“Not now. We’ll talk later when we don’t have a house full of people. But I mean it, I love you and thank you for everything.”
“I love you, too.”
“By the way.” Quinn grabbed my arm before I could get out of the car. “If you tell me to go in and sit on the couch, I’ll castrate you. Straight up, I’ve been flat on my back for two weeks. I’m over it.”
Damn if she didn’t know me.
“I like you flat on your back.” I smiled.
“You also like me up on my knees and bent over. Which means you want to keep your balls intact—and to keep them in tip-top shape, you better not baby me.”
“Can’t promise you more than two hours.”
“Brice—”
“Two hours, then I’m putting on a cup and wading in.”
“Fine. Two hours.”
That was too easy, which meant she knew by the time her two hours were up, she’d be exhausted and ready to sit.
“Well-played.”
Her gorgeous smile told me I was right. It also reminded me she was alive.
* * *
I dipped out into the backyard to check out the new patio furniture Jasper and Emily had bought us when I heard the sliding glass door open, and Jackson, followed by Lenox, Levi, Clark, Nick, and Jasper stepped out onto the brick pavers.
I was trying to come up with something to say that would curtail this conversation but I wasn’t fast enough. Therefore I was unprepared when Nick spoke.
“When Meadow was taken, I died a thousand deaths.” He launched right in and my chest started to burn. “Then we found her in a dirty alley with a psychotic serial killer. Meadow was duct taped and she’d already been stabbed. I had so much guilt about how that played out I couldn’t even stay in the room while they fixed Meadow up.” Nick stopped and shook his head. “I called the one person I knew who could help and first thing he told me was he was proud of me—then he told me I had my head up my ass. A few hours later I had my uncles surrounding me and they refused to allow me to give up. And it’s a damn good thing I didn’t. So I’m gonna tell you the same thing my uncle told me—get your head out of your ass, go to your woman, and hold on tight.”
“Nick. I’m damn sorry—”
“Do you know what happened to my wife?” Clark cut me off. “Do you know she lost a kidney because I was too busy denying I was in love with her. That when I found my woman, not only had she lost a goddamn organ but she was being prepped so the motherfucking bastards could take her eyes.” I jerked at the ferocity in his tone. “Her eyes, Brice. The sick fucks were gonna slice up and take what they could from her body to sell, then leave her for dead. You wanna talk about a mindfuck? A monumental screw-up on my part? Yeah, I know a thing or two about guilt. You know what I repeated to myself a million times? As long as Reagan was breathin’ I could love her through anything. Thank fuck, Quinn’s alive and breathin’—love her through it.”
Jesus fuck! I had no idea Reagan had gone through any of that. There wasn’t a damn thing I could say so I said nothing. Clark’s words only made me feel like more of a pussy for not helping Quinn sooner.
“I wasted twelve years with Lily. Twelve miserable years, then when I finally got her back, she was kidnapped and almost taken from me—permanently. And considering she was pregnant with Carter, I would’ve lost him, too.” Lenox stopped, crossed his arms over his chest, and leveled me with a hard stare. “We all know how much you love Quinn. So what’s the problem?”
“There is no problem,” I grunted.
“Didn’t take you for a liar,” Levi interjected and my back snapped straight. “You think we don’t see it? You think we haven’t felt it? Man, that shit is tattooed on your forehead. It’s etched into your eyes. Each of us, every one of us standing before you have felt the guilt. We’ve tasted it, we’ve gagged on it. Something you haven’t figured out yet, but you will—in this family we don’t let shit fester. We will not stand idly by as you blame yourself for something you couldn’t stop, that none of us knew. And as much as I never thought you to be a liar, I never took you as stupid, which means you gotta know Quinn’s feeling this. She knows you’re bottling shit up and she’s knocking herself out to make it better for you.”
“You’re not weak,” Jasper boomed.
“The fuck I’m not,” I growled. “I fucking stood there, Jasper. Told you that. Her goddamned hair…” Why my mind kept focusing on that, I didn’t know. But I couldn’t get it out of my head. “Christ. I shut down. I couldn’t move. She needed help and what did I do, I stood like a motherfucking idiot while the woman I love bled out.”
My chest heaved and I figured I was moments away from passing out.
“Goddamn idiot.” Jackson stepped closer and I braced; he looked like he was getting ready to take a swing at me. Jack knew I’d acted like a pansy-assed bitch.
“I didn’t—”
“Shut up for a second and think about what you’re saying. Is your ego so big you think you’re some sort of superhero? That, what, it makes you less than because you love Quinn so deeply that seeing her on a sidewalk bleeding would stop you cold? Seriously? You think loving her that much is weak? I keep telling you this but you don’t wanna listen. You did nothing wrong.”
“I can’t stop seeing it. Every fucking time I close my eyes, I see it,” I told Jackson.
“See what?”
“I’m not talking about this with you. With any of you.”
Five men grunted and all of them closed in.
“Why’s that?” Nick asked.
“Because you all love her as much as I do. And I’m especially not talking about this with Jasper. None of you need this shit.”
“You got something to say, spit it out. You think you can shock us, you are wrong,” Levi offered.
Fucking hell, I didn’t want to do this. My molars were grinding to the point of pain. My temples throbbed and I could swear my throat was closing, making it hard to breathe.
“What do you see?” Jasper asked.
I shook my head and dropped it forward.
“What do you see?” he repeated. “Besides her bleeding?”
Wasn’t that enough? Her blood spilling onto the pavement. Fucking everywhere.
“Brice!” Jasper snapped.
“I see her fucking eyes looking at me like, fuck, like she found something beautiful. Her pretty emerald eyes, soft and so full of love. When I was frozen in place all I could think about was how I was never gonna get that look again. How I was never gonna hear her voice. Brush her hair off her neck so I could kiss her there. Years I wasted running from her. Years I’d never get to make up to her. So many regrets. Rivers of fucking blood all around her, bubbling out of her mouth and all I could fucking think about was me. How I should’ve asked her to marry me. How I was never gonna see that again. Goddamn, I’m a selfish prick. A weak, selfish motherfucker.”
After my outburst, silence fell. Damn, why did I tell them that? Why the hell did I admit what an asshole I was?
“You think that’s selfish?” Jasper whispered. “Then, son, I’m standing next to you telling you I’m just as selfish. The whole time my daughter was in surgery, all I could think about was how much it was going to kill me if I never heard her call me Daddy again. I couldn’t begin to comprehend how I was going t
o continue to live if she was gone. How would I console my wife and our other children when I knew I’d never recover from the loss? For the first time in my life, I’d resigned myself to failure because if Quinn hadn’t’ve made it, I wouldn’t have been strong enough to hold my family together.”
“That’s not selfishness,” Levi added. “That’s real. That’s love.”
I heard feet shuffling and felt a few pounds on the back, then the slider opened and closed. I still kept staring at the patio bricks.
“I need you to look at me,” Jasper called, and I reluctantly lifted my gaze to meet his. “I’ll tell you this as many times as you need until you let this go. I appreciate you loving my daughter the way you do. And I think you know me well enough to know, if I had a sliver of hesitation I’d make it known. I also think you know I don’t blow sunshine, I don’t sugarcoat shit, I don’t lie, and I never fuck around about my children’s happiness. A few weeks ago I welcomed you into the family and I see you don’t understand the full meaning of that. You’re more than Quinn’s man. You’re more than Jackson’s friend who hangs around. You’re family. You’re my son, you’re Levi, Clark, and Lenox’s nephew. Being one of us means you’ll never be left behind to sort yourself alone. We will always have your back. I’ll repeat that as many times as you need, as will they. One last thing before we go inside—tell Quinn what you told me tonight. Tell her what you were thinking. She deserves to know.”
“What?” I mumbled, still stuck on the part where Jasper called me his son.
“You take a second to think on it. What you think is selfishness, she will not. She’ll see the beauty in it and my daughter deserves every moment of happiness you can give her.”
Jasper headed back inside, leaving me alone with my jumbled-up thoughts. There was so much to sift through, so many feelings I needed to sort, but they’d have to wait because while Quinn’s cousins and uncles were outside handing me my ass, she’d been inside pushing herself to entertain.
Her two hours were up.
30
I was in the kitchen actively trying to ignore what I saw. When my dad, Nick, Jackson, and uncles all cornered Brice on the patio, my mom stopped me from going outside. Her tone may’ve been gentle but her words were resolute. She’d told me in no uncertain terms I was to stay in the house and trust my dad.
I did trust my dad, but Brice was twisting himself in knots and I hated he wouldn’t talk to me. Further, I was worried that Jackson would push until Brice snapped and the two of them would go back to being mad at each other.
So now I was looking around, searching cupboards, checking out where Meadow and Tuesday had blended my stuff and Brice’s together in the cabinets. It was obvious I’d had more than him because there weren’t many new pots and pans added to what I had.
I felt my hair brushed over one shoulder right before lips pressed to the back of my neck. “I’m wearing my cup, sweetheart.” My body started shaking at the matter-of-fact way Brice had made his announcement. “I love feeling you laugh.”
Damn, I’d missed this—missed Brice just being Brice. Sweet and funny instead of wound so tight I was afraid he’d snap if someone breathed in his direction.
I turned in his arms for reasons other than I wanted to see his face. When our eyes locked and his were soft and gentle, I shoved my face in his throat and I pinched my lips together as hard as I could and willed the tears away.
“I love you,” I reminded him.
Brice gave me a swift but gentle hug, ever so careful not to cause me any pain. It’s worth noting bullet holes to the chest were a pain in the ass. I had yet to look at them, and carefully kept my eyes diverted when the nurse changed the dressings. I also knew Brice hadn’t seen them. Something we were going to have to face together.
I was ready. I had a feeling Brice was not.
“Now that my balls are safe from injury,” Brice said as he rested his chin on the top of my head, “it’s time to sit down.”
I nodded the best I could and Brice stilled.
“What’s wrong?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“You agreed. Are you in pain? Do you need a pill?”
Of course he’d notice I wasn’t putting up a fight. The truth was I wasn’t in pain, but I was overdoing it and I knew because it was still hard for me to breathe. Something the doctor had explained would take months to heal. It didn’t hurt, but the shortness of breath was obvious. I figured I was better off sitting down and relaxing before I did something stupid like pass out.
That would send every family member currently milling around my new house right over the edge. So far they’d kept the babying to a minimum, but I wasn’t dumb enough to think that they’d all decided to leave me be. No, it was because they knew Brice was there and he’d lord over me until I behaved.
“No to the pain pill. I’m fine. We agreed on two hours. Is it so hard to believe I’d keep my end of the deal?”
“Yes. I know you.”
“I’m wounded,” I feigned insult.
“Right.”
“But since I’m behaving and all, do you think you could talk Delaney into letting me hold Emma?”
“No.”
“Damn. It was worth a shot.”
I heard Brice chuckle and my heart soared. I hadn’t heard that sound since the morning before I’d been shot. A sound I greatly missed.
“You may like feeling me laugh, but I love hearing yours.”
Brice’s body locked and I wanted to kick my own ass for making such a stupid comment.
“Brice—”
“Shh, baby. We got some stuff to talk about. But not with your family here. Let’s get you on the couch.”
With patience I normally didn’t have—somehow I’d managed to channel Emily Walker—I nodded and followed him to the living room.
Thirty minutes later, I yawned and that started a mass exodus. Everyone said their goodbyes and Brice locked up the house, leaving me to wander back to the bedroom.
Even though I’d already taken a tour of our new house, I was still taken aback when I saw the room. Tuesday and Meadow had unpacked and put all my clothes back in the dresser, or maybe they moved it over without taking anything out of the drawers.
When Brice came in, I was still pondering how awesome my family was. They’d dropped everything to take care of Brice and me. God, I loved them.
“Everything okay?”
“They even hung the pictures up,” I told him something he obviously knew considering he had eyes and could see just fine.
“I told Jackson I’d handle the unpacking, but Tuesday and Meadow insisted.”
“Sounds like them.” I nodded.
“I hope—”
I turned and found Brice leaning against the doorjamb, hands in his pockets, one ankle crossed over the other, his expression unreadable.
“It’s perfect. All of it. I know I was…bitchy when you first told me we’d moved. But honestly I didn’t want to go back there. I was too afraid to admit it.”
“Seems there’s a lot both of us are afraid to admit.”
“What are you afraid of?” I whispered, praying he wouldn’t shut down like he’d been doing the last two weeks.
“Of losing you.”
I sucked in a sharp breath and immediately regretted it when the burn in my chest bloomed, leaving me winded and in pain.
“Come on, let’s get you changed and in bed.”
I didn’t argue, mainly because I knew I’d lose but also because I was exhausted. I went about rummaging through my drawers, finding what I wanted. Then a great battle raged in my mind. I had two choices, go into the bathroom and hide or change in front of Brice.
Quite frankly I was tired of being scared. Neither of us was going to get past what happened if we kept bottling everything up and locking it away. I was never going to get over it unless I made myself.
It was easy to lie to everyone and say I was fine when really I wasn’t. It was easy to go into the other
room to change so Brice wouldn’t see what I was left with. It was easy not to look at the bandages. It was easy to look away so I didn’t have to see the scars. It would be far too easy to pretend that I wasn’t affected by what had happened when I damn well was.
Fuck it.
Fuck the fear.
Fuck the lying.
Fuck the asshole who tried to kill me so I couldn’t testify.
Fuck them all.
I was stronger than this. Brice was, too. We were stronger and we would move on.
I carefully slipped off my sweats and traded them for a clean pair, then started to unbutton my flannel. Delaney had gone out and bought me a bunch of bandeau style bras so I could step into it and slide it up over my hips. It was so much easier than trying to lift my arms, and forget a regular bra—the seams had rubbed and hurt like a bitch.
With half of the buttons undone, my courage started to wane. Brice was busy fluffing and stacking pillows, making me a soft nest in the bed and not paying attention to what I was doing. That made it a little easier to continue. I shrugged the material off my shoulders and paused.
“Babe?”
“Huh?”
“Open your eyes.”
Damn, I hadn’t realized in a moment of panic I’d closed them.
“No.”
Heat hit my back and warm breath fanned over my shoulder. “Baby. Open them.”
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. All of my good intentions had vanished. Gone. And all I was left with was a knot in my stomach. Stupid. I was so damn stupid thinking I was brave.
Brice’s hand went to my hip, his thumb glided over my exposed skin.
“So damn pretty.”
I tried to hold them back but tears pooled then spilled down my cheeks. Slowly at first until they were a steady stream and my body bucked.
So much for my fuck it all courage.
“Baby, open your eyes.”
Keeping Quinn: The Next Generation Page 23