“I’m going to the ladies,” I told the other two, and wobbled off my stool heading for the back of the bar. I washed my hands and hummed along to the latest catchy dance track playing through the speakers. I smiled at myself in the mirror and just to confirm my insanity I said out loud “Ella, you are not dumpy and plain, you are fierce and feisty!” I blew myself a kiss and giggled at my craziness as I opened the door to leave. Instantly I stilled myself in the doorway, my breathe catching in my throat. There, stood leaning against the wall opposite, smiling at me through his unbelievably long eye lashes stood Joe Madden. His hands in his jean pockets and a tight fitted black shirt that showed his chest and arms perfectly, he had just the right amount of muscle to make a girl weak at the knees. He was gorgeous and I was drunk, this was not a good combination.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I snapped and he smirked.
“That’s a nice way to greet me, did you like the flowers?”
I shook my head, “You can’t send me flowers we are work colleagues, it needs to stay professional,” I slurred the words out and stumbled a little on my heels as I walked away and into the wall clumsily. He caught my arm as I reached out to steady myself and sent shock waves through my body. Damn he smelt good close up. I looked up into his grey eyes and expected to see a mocking look but what I saw scared me even more, pure animal lust. He was staring straight down at me, determined, driven and obviously intent on getting what he wanted.
“What are you so scared of beautiful?” He whispered insistently into my ear, bringing his handsome stubbly face down towards mine and running one hand around my waist now. I gasped, this was heading in a direction that I wasn’t sure I could handle, especially after four glasses of wine. “You keep fighting me, pushing me away, but I don’t think you want to. I think you’re just scared to let yourself go. So what are you scared of? Maybe I can help you out, make you feel more….relaxed?”
I tried to push him off and walk away but he pulled me closer into him, my back to his front. I could feel his breathe getting heavier as he lent down towards my neck and ran his soft warm lips along the space between my neck and shoulders. Damn that felt hot and was twisting my mind and warping my self-control. With moves like this I wasn’t sure how much longer I could fight him off. Did I want to fight him off? The alcohol in my system was certainly helping me loosen up tonight.
I drew in a long breath to fortify my self-restraint and tried to stay focused on not offering myself up for the biggest heartbreak known to man. He ran his soft lips up to my ear and sucked my earlobe into his hot mouth, seductively biting down on it and gripping me tighter to him, my damn body started working against me as I found myself leaning into him.
“Come on sweetheart, tell me what’s stopping you letting go? I want to see you let go, really let go…..under me, above me, anyway you want me.” He chuckled.
“I don’t want to let go with you!” I said turning towards him and losing any self-control I had the second I looked at his mesmerising face, all full of lust. “Why won’t you leave me alone?” I begged in a half-hearted whisper.
“I can’t Ella, you see it’s out of my hands.” He pretended to look wounded, dropping his hands to his sides in a fake show of regret but his eyes still penetrated me with their silver sparkles. I glowered at him.
“What are you even on about?”
“Fate Ella, Destiny. That’s what I’m on about. Don’t you feel it, that pull between us?” he pointed between the two of us and moved towards me like a predator ready to strike. “Don’t you feel the sparks, the electricity running between us? I can’t even touch you without getting a shock to my system, you consume me Ella.” He smirked, looking down at his feet, then looked back up at me through his luscious eyelashes, “If this is what we do to each other with our clothes on imagine what we can do with them off.” He was full on grinning now and the smug look flipped a switch in my head.
“Bullshit, you just don’t like being told no!” I pointed at him and put some much needed space between us. “I want nothing to do with you, not now and not ever, so go and bother some other girl, I’m sure you have enough falling at your feet.”
He shook his head feigning sadness, “Oh Ella, but I only want you, why do you make it so hard for me,” he winked at me then and I turned to stomp away but he grabbed my arm and spoke in a hushed tone so only I could hear above the growing sounds of the dancefloor music.
“We are gonna fuck there’s no doubt about that beautiful. I can’t wait to be buried deep inside you, and hear you scream my name as I make you come over and over and over again. The sooner you accept that the sooner we can skip your pointless games. My games are much more fun…” he bent closer to my ear and the feel of his breathe on my hair and skin made my nerves tingle as he said “just so you know I like to fuck hard and fast.”
He pulled me back into him again and I could feel his impressively large growing arousal, hard and pressing into my back.
My tummy flipped over, and heat surged between my legs. Oh my God what was I doing, I wanted to let him do what he wanted and yet I wanted to run away as far as I could from Joe Madden. Being held by him like this, felt warm, passionate…right, but my head was still protesting even though my body was giving me away, my nipples straining against the silk of my playsuit and my breathing shallow and erratic. Why did he have this power and control over me? How was it he could say one thing and I was ready for him, willing and losing my reserve with every beat of my fluttering heart? ‘Get it together’ a tiny portion of my brain squealed inside me, and with shaking legs I broke away and walked as fast as I could back to the table to steady myself and get a grip. A familiar growl of manly lust echoed behind me, and I knew I had to get out of this bar before my resolve crumbled and I was another notch on Joe Madden’s bed post.
Chapter Eight
Saturday mornings were all about greasy fry ups to soak up the alcohol from a Friday night, and going out shopping in our great city. Robyn and I loved to peruse the high end boutiques and department stores, as well as the cheaper second hand emporiums full of hidden gems and a slight stench of moth balls hinting at the years gone by; where the outfits would have graced dances and ball rooms with much more innocence to them than today’s scene.
We woke up with slightly woolly heads, but felt much better after a bacon sandwich. Then we donned our skinny jeans, comfy jumpers and flats and headed out to trawl for treasure in the city.
“Harvey Nicks or Second time round bargain basement first?” Robyn asked.
“Let’s start with Harvey Nicks today, I love seeing how the other half live!” I grinned.
One day when I managed to get a promotion I’d promised myself I would take Robyn to Harvey Nicks and buy her anything she wanted. She’d been such a great friend to me, the best and she deserved to be spoilt rotten. My current salary wouldn’t even stretch to a scarf in that place though. The price tags were ridiculous.
As we made our way down the busy city streets through the crowds of tourists and die hard shoppers, my heart started to flutter as I saw the shop’s sign come into view. The windows glowing with sparkling lights making everything inside appear magical. This was my Mecca, it called out to girls like me, begging us to go inside and get lost in the wonders of retail. To worship at the altar of designer dresses, shoes and handbags. I was a sucker for shopping.
We went in and sauntered along the ground floor, past counters manned by stunning, picture perfect Barbie doll assistants, made up to perfection and not a hair out of place. They offered us a spritz of perfume, a sample of their face cream, anything to make a sale. They were wasting their time with us though, we might have held ourselves with an air of confidence but our purses were the opposite. We couldn’t afford the lifestyle choices they were pedalling. We were the same as them, catching the bus home and having a microwave ready meal for our dinner.
We took the lift to the women’s designer clothes and as the doors opened we both stepped out and brea
thed in that divine new clothes smell. No moth balls here, everything was pristine, exclusive and extremely expensive.
Occasionally if we saw an outfit or dress that called out to us we would throw caution to the wind and try it on in the amazing dressing rooms, hoping the assistants wouldn’t sniff us out as the frauds we were.
“I love this top, it would look incredible with my black skinny jeans.” Robyn said holding up a silky emerald green top with some kind of crystals or jewels encrusted around the halter neck. She was right, it would look awesome on her with her red hair.
“That would so suit you Hun.” I nodded, and continued wandering around the dresses on show. No rooting through the rails for what you wanted here, everything was on show like an exhibition or a show room. I turned a corner and audibly gasped as I saw the perfect dress for me. It was a short silver and black embellished creation covered entirely with crystals and looked so classy I had to try it on. It would be a crime not to. I reached for the tag that showed me it was Balmain and worth three times my monthly salary. ‘Dream on Ella’, I thought but Robyn came round that corner just as I released the price tag from my grasp and said, “Now that’s an Ella dress. That looks like it was made for you babe. Are you gonna try it on?”
“No, it’ll only depress me.”
“So? We always try on our favourite stuff when we come in here, otherwise what’s the point in looking? Just pretend you’re out flexing your millionaire hubby’s plastic friend.” She whispered and flounced off to look at the footwear across the store. I didn’t feel like playing today. I felt like a fraud and where most weeks I’d have laughed that off, today it felt different. I didn’t belong here.
“I think you’d look sexy as hell in that.” A familiar deep voice breathed into my ear and I felt the heat from his body radiate into me. My cheeks flushed in embarrassment. What the hell was he doing here, he seemed to pop up everywhere these days, I couldn’t escape him. “It’d look even better on my bedroom floor.”
I nearly choked, what a sleazy line I couldn’t believe he had used that one.
“Seriously? Resorting to the cheesy lines now are we?” I still couldn’t look around I just stayed rooted to the spot.
“It was kinda cheesy wasn’t it….but true.” I shook my head and walked away from the dress to where Robyn was leaning over the display of shoes and boots on the other side of the store, but he grabbed my arm to stop me.
“If you need any help to try it on I’d happily assist… to slide it on….zip it up… rip it off.” He ran his fingers up and down my arm making my skin goose bump and my breath catch in my throat.
“Why are you following me?”
“I’m not following you Ella, we just keep being drawn together. Like I said before. Fate. It’s out of our hands Ella.”
“You are so full of shit, do you know that? You expect me to believe you make a habit out of shopping in the women’s wear department of Harvey Nichols?”
He chuckled, “Maybe I’m looking for something for my Grandma? …So am I going to get a fashion show today or not?”
“Not a chance, I’d rather run through this store naked than dress up for you.”
“Sounds like a win win for me there, don’t let me stop you.”
I was rubbish at the come backs sometimes, run naked through the store, really Ella? What sort of a comeback was that? Robyn turned towards me smiling and holding a pair of black suede ankle boots. I turned to give him one final forceful ‘get lost’ but there was no one there. I looked around but couldn’t see him anywhere. Was he some kind of genie that could appear out of the blue then disappear twice as quickly? One thing was for sure, he’d totally unnerved me and was probably standing somewhere right now loving my jittery reaction.
“Please can we get out of here, I feel…spooked.” I shivered and held my arms across my chest in a hug.
“Sure… Ella this is supposed to be fun, if you aren’t feeling it today we can just go grab a drink at the pub, it’s no biggie. We can do battle with the Grannies at the Second chance store with the liquid courage in our system if that’s better for you?”
“Sounds much more up my street today!”
Robyn put her top on a random rail and hid the shoes under a mannequin wearing a ball gown and we linked arms as we headed for the escalator and out to the real world. Robyn rubbed my arm soothingly as I felt the anxiety roll off me. Being outside and back in the crowds was much more my style. No devastatingly handsome devil man could work his voodoo spells on me out here. I felt safer in amongst everyone else, less exposed. As much as Joe Madden intrigued me, he scared me more. His egotistical over confidence would only annihilate me, I knew it. After Adam I couldn’t take any chances, I had to protect myself from the hurt, the destruction and most of all the loss of self that being with a man like him could create.
Chapter Nine
The next week was probably the worst I have had in a hell of a long time. Monday morning started drab and drizzly, the city rain splattering the pavements and turning my curls frizzy and my patience paper thin. As I parked my little red car in the tiny car park we were lucky to have at the back of our offices I noticed a familiar sight that filled me with dread. I left my car behind and made the mad dash towards the back doors of Parker Hayes trying to avoid the rain as it fell unforgivingly on my mane of curls.
“Ella, please I need to talk to you.” Adam said pleading from the alcove that he stood in for refuse from the English weather.
“I have nothing to say to you Adam so just fuck off and leave me alone.” I replied but he grabbed at my arm to stop me leaving. “What is it with people thinking they can grab me and control me?”
“Who’s been grabbing you Ella, tell me and I’ll sort them out, I’m always here for you baby.”
“No Adam, you haven’t been there for me since you stuck your dick in the first girl you cheated on me with.”
He shook his head and made the effort to look remorseful. Too little too late asshole.
“What do you want Adam? Spit it out then get the hell away from me and let me get on with living my life.”
He sighed and looked at me with what appeared to be love, regret or hope in his eyes.
“I miss you Elle, I miss us.”
I laughed in utter disbelief, “Are you fricking kidding me right now? Adam you have fucked more women since we’ve been together than you ever had before we met. That’s not love! Now you come here telling me you miss me? You weren’t missing me when you were banging them!”
“I made a mistake Elle, I didn’t think… didn’t know what I was doing. It scared me, the commitment, you, us. But I know what I want now and it isn’t any of those other girls, it’s you Ella, I want you and only you…I’m lost without you.”
He was truly a piece of work. “You should have thought about that before you did what you did Adam. You thought with the head in your pants and these are the consequences. I don’t want to be with you Adam, I don’t love you anymore.”
He ran his hands over his face and continued pleading with me, “I’ll make it right Elle I promise. I’ll do anything to get you back. I can’t do this anymore, I miss you every hour, every minute of every day. I can’t concentrate at work, I’m miserable without you. Please….”
I shook myself free of him, “No Adam. There’s nothing you can do, it’s over and I’ll never go back there. I’ll never come back to you. Just…. leave me alone.”
I walked off hoping and praying that would be last time I ever saw him. He only served to fuel my insecurities and drag me down to the gutter. I had to stay focused on the stars, the light, on me.
When I returned home later that evening I walked in to find a huge cardboard box sitting on our coffee table in the middle of the living room addressed to me.
“What’s this?” I asked Robyn.
“I don’t have my x-ray specs with me at the moment Chick so I suggest you open it and find out.”
I tore off the strip of parcel tape along
the top and opened it to find a white box with black lettering, ‘Balmain, Paris’. Oh no, what had he done?
“Holy shit! Who’s sending you Balmain?” Robyn said with a glint in her eye.
“Someone I don’t want to see right now.” I sighed.
I pulled the white box out of the cardboard and opened it. On top of the tissue paper was an envelope and under all the packaging lay the dress I’d been admiring on Saturday in Harvey Nichols, sparkling and glistening as if it was begging to be taken out and worn. I couldn’t accept this, it was way too much and I certainly didn’t want him to have anything to hold over me. It felt like some sort of bribe.
I plonked myself down on the sofa and tore the envelope open.
Blue eyes,
This dress was made for you. I hope you’ll wear it when I take you out this weekend.
After all you were made for me beautiful girl.
Joe x
I didn’t have the energy to respond but there was zero way I was going anywhere with him this weekend, the next or any time this century. He was trouble with a capital T. Heart break wrapped in a killer body and a designer suit and I had dealt with my fair share of heartache lately.
Tuesday didn’t get any better. I swear the week for me was cursed. I got called into Frank’s office around midday and as I sat down in front of his large mahogany desk I knew it wasn’t going to be good news. He couldn’t look me in the eye and he was visibly nervous and fiddling around with papers on his desk.
“Ella, I know how hard you’ve been working lately...” He stuttered and looked out of his window with a big sigh, “I’m worried you’re going to burn yourself out petal, if you do that it won’t help any of us.”
“I’ll be ok Frank, I’m just not sleeping well.” I said as an excuse but I had a feeling there was more to this than me working longer hours.
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