I felt a small part of me resist but that was overwhelmed by nostalgia, maybe a wish that things could go back to the way they were. Despite coming to terms with Carl’s infidelity and the divorce, not to mention finding Steve, I’d have preferred none of it ever happened. Carl wasn’t perfect nor was he handsome in the way Steve was, but he was the love of my life at one time and part of me wanted that back.
Carl, or at least the man I married almost twenty years ago, was the man of my dreams. He represented my girlish fantasies, a loving husband, a nice house, two beautiful kids and most importantly, growing old together. Now, as Carl began to thrust inside me, I could see that dream again. I could imagine nothing had happened, or at least ignore the past, and look ahead to a future with Carl again even as I knew it was foolish and nothing but a pipe dream.
Still, I grasped at Carl as he made love to me. I hugged him close and he whispered in my ear, “You’re so beautiful. I’m so sorry, Penny. Please forgive me.” Damn, I wanted too. I wanted to do as he asked and the insistent climax that built made it hard to think of anything else. Suddenly my body arched and I came. The physical sensation was nothing compared to the mental satisfaction or reliving my past but even that was already fading.
“Carl, we...,” I began to say but he quietly shushed me as he drove towards his own orgasm. I began to feel strange. This wasn’t right. What was I doing? Then Carl went rigid and grunted. He flooded my warm tunnel with his orgasm.
“I love you, Penny,” he cried out and suddenly I was horrified. I pushed Carl up and away as I squirmed from under him. Carl clutched at me as I squirmed free. “Penny?” he pleaded.
“What the fuck are you doing? What the hell am I doing? Oh my God!” I said as my emotions began to well up. How could I have done this? How could I have betrayed Steve? I didn’t want this. As I backed away, horrified, I realized I had committed the same sin Carl had. I slept with him but now two others were likely going to be hurt, Steve and Crystal. “Why?” I shouted at Carl, “Are you trying to hurt me, are you trying to destroy any chance at happiness I might have. Damn you, Carl. God damn you!”
“Penny, I don’t want to hurt you. I love you. I need you, Penny. I can’t pretend anymore. I messed everything up and I regret it. I need you back. I want what we had. I want my old life back,” he said and I understood. This wasn’t about me. This was about Crystal. Carl was scared. He was afraid of committing to Crystal. He was terrified of raising his baby. He didn’t want me as much as he wanted to escape his future.
Carl had grown tired of our mundane life. He wanted the freedom and passion Crystal and her young supple body promised and he succumbed to the allure. He abandoned me and our children to chase that dream and now he was discovering that his sexy, young girlfriend wanted from him exactly what I did when we got married. A husband, a father for her baby and most importantly, the stability that he could provide. Now his dreams of wild sex and unlimited freedom with Crystal were quickly turning into exactly what he had left behind.
“Oh, Carl. You weak, pathetic fool! You made your choice when I found you fucking Crystal. You chose that life over ours and now it’s not what you thought, is it? We can’t go back, Carl. I won’t go back,” I said, my voice getting louder as I said it.
“Penny, you can’t tell me you didn’t feel it. I know you did. We can get it back if you just let it happen. I knew you couldn’t resist it. All I had to do is tell you want you wanted to hear. It can be that eas...,” Carl explained. He planned this? He knew I’d fall prey to his words and his touch. He knew our past could be used to lure me into his trap.
“Fuck you, Carl! Fuck you! You manipulated me on purpose? You came here to fuck me and ruin everything? What the hell is wrong with you? I believed you on some level but you don’t love me. You’re just afraid and jealous. Aren’t you? Aren’t you?” I demanded, seething now. How could he lure me into his arms, use the good times we’d shared together against me?
“No, it’s not like that. I swear. I didn’t want to hurt you,” he said meekly.
“But you have. You cheated on that sweet, naive girl like you cheated on me. She loves you, Carl! You’re the father of her baby!” I reminded him and suddenly he looked wounded. He didn’t want to hear that.
“Stop it, Penny!” he said angrily.
“And now you’ve probably ruined what I was building with Steve. I’m not like you are. I can’t be with him and lie to him too. I’ve got to tell him what we did,” I said as I broke down and began to cry.
“I don’t want to hear about him. I can’t stand the idea of you having sex with that man. Why does he want you? Look at him. Penny, you can’t really believe he wants you?” he said. That’s what he had said on Monday. I got it now. He was jealous but not of Steve. Carl was jealous that Steve was apparently able to look beyond my weight and my age and see the woman underneath. Whether Steve was really into women like me didn’t matter, though I believed he was. He wasn’t after my body. He liked me, maybe even loved me, for who I was, not what I looked like. Carl was angry he couldn’t manage to do the same and had ruined our marriage because of his weakness.
“I feel dirty. Get out of here, Carl. Go and never, ever try to do this again. Go home and beg that beautiful girl for forgiveness. Maybe you can save that relationship so you don’t destroy another family. Now I have to figure out how to fix my relationship. I love him, Carl. I love him,” I admitted more to myself than to Carl. I realized that the fact I was so comfortable just being with Steve without any expectations proved I loved him. He made me happy and that’s all that mattered. I didn’t need a ring or for Steve to profess his undying love. I just needed him.
“Penny?” Carl pleaded one last time. I marched to the door, fighting the urge to completely lose it, opened it and waited.
“Go, Carl. You’ve done enough damage. You’ve hurt enough people. Go home to Crystal and hope she is a better woman than I was. You fucking, selfish bastard,” I scolded Carl and he hung his head as he walked past me. He barely hit the front porch when I slammed the door behind him. I leaned against the door and felt sick. I hadn’t felt like that since the night I caught Carl with Crystal in his office. I sank down to the floor, hugged my knees and lost it. I hadn’t cried after I found Carl cheating and that along with what happened tonight came flooding out right there as I curled up on the entryway tile and wept.
>>O<<
I couldn’t tell you what time I finally picked my ass up off the floor and went to bed, but I know I fell asleep sometime around two in the morning. That’s when I looked at the clock last. I also know I woke up at eight-fifty-two. That’s when I rolled over and found Deb sitting on my bed.
“Morning,” she said as I rubbed my eyes and then looked around.
“What are you doing here?” I asked her.
“I let myself in. I saw Carl leave and heard you slam the door. I almost came over last night to see what happened but thought better of it. The door was open and I was worried,” she said. I felt the urge to cry but I think I was all cried out. “You’ve been crying. What happened?” Deb asked and reached out to pat my hand. Did I look that bad?
“I slept with Carl,” I said and Deb gasped audibly.
“What? Why?” she asked. I told her the whole story. She knew about his visit at the beginning of the week already so I told her how he called and apologized and then asked to come see me. Then I told her how he told me he missed me and began touching me and then kissed me. I told her how it made me feel, how it made me remember the way things used to be. Then I told Deb how, before I knew it, we were making love.
“Penny, is that what you wanted?” she asked and I explained the rest. How as soon as it was over I felt dirty and used. How Carl went from apologetic to hurtful when I spoke of Steve and Crystal. I told her my suspicions that Carl was angry at himself for not being able to love me for who I was instead of what I looked like. How I was sure what drove him to do it were his feelings of inadequacy along with a healthy dose of
fear.
“Sweetheart, I’m so sorry. What are you going to do now?” she asked as I sat up and hugged my knees.
“I’m going to own up to what I did. Look, Carl might have been manipulating me but I did it. I let myself give in. I let myself get caught up in what I wished could have been instead of remembering what I have now. Deb, I love Steve,” I told her.
“I know. Maybe you shouldn’t tell him. It was a weak moment and you shouldn’t have to lose him over it,” she suggested. She wasn’t done before I was already shaking my head.
“No. I would rather be honest and lose him than have him in my life and know it was based on a lie. I couldn’t live with myself. He accepts me for me and I owe him the truth,” I declared.
“I knew you were going to say that. So would I. Damned conscious,” she said and I laughed. Deb always made me laugh. Then Deb sneered and said, “The worst part, that snake is probably fucking red as we speak pretending nothing ever happened and not feeling the slightest bit guilty.”
“No, you’re almost right. He’s probably doing just that and pretending he doesn’t feel guilty. Last night proved he does but he can’t deal with it,” I countered.
“Good. I hope it eats him alive,” Deb told me.
“I don’t. I feel bad for that poor girl. For her sake and the baby’s, not to mention Josh and Audrey, I hope Carl finds the courage to be the man I thought he was,” I said. I meant it. I didn’t blame Crystal. She was young and naive. Maybe she wasn’t as weak as I thought, however. Maybe she would make Carl live up to her expectations. I hoped so.
“You’re a better woman that I am,” Deb said and then she stood up and went to my closet. She found a pair of capri pants, a sleeveless blouse and some low heeled mules. “Let’s go get brunch at the Indian casino. Get your ass out of bed,” she said as she went to find me some underthings.
“Deb, no. I’m not in the mood,” I complained.
“Look, whatever happened, happened. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. Because you’re not in the mood is exactly why we should go. That and I’m hungry and could use a few mimosas,” she said. That made a lot of sense. Lying in bed wasn’t going to help but some mimosas might.
“All right, but we should call a cab. I need to get drunk,” I told her. Deb smiled.
“It will be OK, Penny,” she said. I knew what she meant and I hoped it was true. I hoped Steve could forgive me. I hoped I could forgive myself.
>>O<<
The next day, work seemed to drag on forever and at the same time rushed by faster than I wanted it too. Steve would be home and I knew he’d be over at the house as soon as I got home from work. I wasn’t looking forward to it. I resolved to tell him exactly what happened and let the chips fall where they may. I didn’t feel any better about having sex with Carl. In fact, I might have felt worse.
Deb and I got back home about two the day before. Audrey came home about an hour later and Josh around dinner time like I’d told him too. Between dinner and catching up on laundry, I was able to push the episode from my mind. I never did get drunk; I just wasn’t in the mood. However, when bedtime rolled around, my mind just wouldn’t shut off. I began to blame myself. Carl hadn’t put a gun to my head. He might have stirred up old feelings but I laid there and let it happen.
I could have stopped him. I could have resisted but I didn’t. I wanted it on some level. I didn’t ask for it and I wouldn’t have told you I wanted it if you asked, but somewhere inside I wanted my old life back just like Carl said he did. The difference was I wanted what I thought I had with Carl but he wanted what he wished could have been.
I thought Carl was a different man than he turned out to be. Maybe he was that man once but whether he had changed or he had been hiding his real self, I loved that man. On the other hand, Carl wanted something that never existed. He wanted me but not the real me. He wanted the woman he wished I could be. He wanted the sexier, slimmer, younger me. We both were living a lie though only one of us, Carl, knew it.
The worst part of the whole thing was the feeling that one moment of weakness could ruin everything. I had no idea how Steve would react. I’d imagined everything from a simple shrug because he saw me a merely a fuck buddy, as Deb put it, to Steve storming out, hurt and angry never to forgive me and just about everything in between. I loved him but I didn’t know him inside and out. We had no history and my love for him was just budding. I just didn’t know what to expect.
The kids dug into the fried chicken we’d picked up on the way home. I wasn’t hungry and I definitely wasn’t in the mood to eat. Besides, I felt like I’d be busy. Well, at least I hoped I would be. Talking about it, though probably not much fun, was the best outcome I could imagine. It beat indifference or storming away angry. I waited and pondered changing clothes. I never made a decision, however. Steve showed up before I could.
“Whoa, I like. You look sexy in that,” Steve greeted me. I was in a white blouse and black skirt, tan pantyhose and black heels. I appreciated the compliment but it didn’t make me happy. Steve seemed to notice. “What’s the matter?” he asked.
“We need to talk, Steve,” I said. He frowned.
“This sounds bad,” he said.
“Can we do this at your place? The kids,” I asked. He agreed and I told the kids I’d be back in a while. Audrey asked where I was going after saying hello cheerfully to Steve. Josh, barely looked up from his food, but he did say hello to Steve after Audrey did. He liked Steve, as did Audrey, and the thought having a Major League pitcher hanging around was pretty cool but Josh was a little protective of me and not quite over the divorce. That made this all the worse. The kids were beginning to become attached to Steve and that might all come to an end tonight.
Once we made it to Steve’s house, he offered me a beer, which I gladly took, and then he asked, “You’re breaking up with me, aren’t you. It’s because I told you I loved you. I didn’t want to do it like that but it just came out. I was going to tell you, I was planning it, but I guess my feelings came out before I was ready. I meant it, you know. I’m falling in love with you, Penny.”
Damn, why did he have to say that? That didn’t make this any easier. I should have been thrilled but instead, it broke my heart because I was about to break his. “Steve, that’s not it. I slept with Carl on Saturday,” I told him and after a moment, Steve’s face went from a hopeful smile to blank to a vague look of pain.
“Penny, what do you mean?” he asked struggling to come to terms with my revelation.
“He came on to me and I gave in. I felt the way I did when I married him, when we had the kids, all over again and I...,” I said but couldn’t finish without making myself cry but ended up breaking down anyway.
“So what does that mean? Do you still love him? Are you back together?” Steve asked me.
“No! It wasn’t like that. I did it because for a moment, I felt those old feelings. They’re gone though. I just figured that out too late. Steve, I love you too. I’m so sorry. I know this is painful and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You make me feel pretty and sexy and beautiful. If I had to choose between going back in time to recapture the good times with Carl and being with you, I’d choose you.”
Steve ran his hand through his hair and stood up. He paced back and forth a few times and then looked at me. I waited for him to speak, but Steve started pacing again. What was he thinking? I wished I knew. I wished I could make this all better. Steve stopped pacing and turned to regard me.
“I don’t know what to say. I don’t understand, Penny. I know we were just starting out and I don’t have a claim on you, but I don’t get it. I need to know why,” he told me. I told him everything. Carl’s attack the week before and his subsequent apology. I told him Carl professed his love for me and told me he wanted me back. I told him how we ended up making love in enough detail to impress upon Steve it was a spur of the moment act.
Then I told Steve
why I thought Carl did it, that he was afraid and jealous. I told Steve the way Carl made me feel, the way his words and his touch took me back to a time and place that no longer existed, a place part of me obviously missed and now mourned. A place I should have buried long ago but hadn’t. But I didn’t want to blame it on Carl. I took full responsibility for what I’d done. I could have stopped it but I didn’t.
“So let me get this straight. He sweet talked you, you got all nostalgic and then he put it in and gave you a single orgasm before he popped his cork?” Steve asked as he sat next to me. It was an odd point to clarify but I did.
“Yeah, that’s about it,” I answered. Steve began to laugh. I was at a loss to figure out what he was thinking or why this was so funny.
“Jesus, Penny. You told me you made love to him. I had this picture in my head of you two in your bedroom, candles burning, Barry White playing, naked and going for it,” he said.
“No! God, no. I was regretting it before he finished. He barely blew his load before I was crawling out from beneath him. It made me feel sick,” I said and Steve laughed even harder. “Why is that funny? I betrayed you. Aren’t you made or hurt?” I asked.
“When I thought you made love to him, yeah. Now that I know it wasn’t like that, not so much. Do I wish it didn’t happen, sure. But you didn’t do it because you wanted to or because you have feelings for him, did you?” he asked.
“No, no way. I love you, Steve. I realized that afterwards. Hell, I think I fell in love with you that first night you came to dinner. I realized that the feelings the memories Carl stirred up paled compared to the way you make me feel,” I said. Was this going well? Was I setting myself up for a serious let down by thinking it was?
“Wow, that’s romantic. Horrible sex with your ex made you realize you love me,” Steve said with obvious sarcasm. He was smiling though.
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