by T. K. Rapp
“It can’t hurt to have them come with.”
I start to walk through the revolving hotel door when I am stopped by the voices of Braxton, Cole, and Haden. I turn to face them and Joey laughs softly, and I know he told them what was up. Haden walks over to me and tries to look me in the eyes, but I avoid contact.
“If you don’t want me there, I’ll stay here,” he whispers so only I can hear.
“It’s not that, I’m just scared. What if she’s a jerk? Or what if she doesn’t want to see me?”
“I think it’s safe to say that if she does either of those things, you’ll need us there to have your back.”
The hotel door spins once again and I step through as it leads me outside. It’s getting late, but we still have sunlight and the temperature is far better than it is in Texas. Haden wraps his hand around mine and I appreciate the gesture immensely. The five of us walk the mile and half toward a street that looks to be lined with small cabana houses. Each house has a beachy charm to it, with the windows open as if the owners were from a different time. A safer time.
I look at the map application on my phone and note that we are only a few houses away from my destination. From my birth mom.
There’s a small sports car in the driveway that looks almost vintage, but I’m sure it’s more modern than it appears. I study the house and log it to my memory. White siding, rust-colored shutters, and Spanish-tiled roof mark the home of the woman I’ve never laid eyes on and only learned about recently.
“What am I supposed to say? ‘Hi, Andie, could I interest you in a magazine subscription—or perhaps you’d be interested in a long-lost daughter that you gave up for adoption?’”
“You don’t have to do anything right now,” Cole advises. “There’s no rush.”
“He’s right,” Haden says, kissing my temple.
“I just want to see her,” I say, hoping to catch a glimpse of the woman from the pictures my parents showed me.
Joey places a hand on my shoulder and squeezes gently before turning around and walking off. One by one, the others follow until it’s just me standing here alone. They don’t go too far, but give me enough space to make a decision for myself.
“I don’t hate you,” I whisper at the phantom mom I’ve yet to lay eyes on.
The guys are at the corner of the street when I begin walking toward them but stop when I hear a screen door slam closed. I turn at a painfully slow pace to see where the noise came from and see a woman who looks to be my height checking her mail. She is blissfully unaware of my presence so I take the opportunity to watch her from this distance to see if we have anything in common I can spot, but the only thing I notice is our hair color.
“Someone went outside, but I couldn’t tell if it was her,” I tell the guys when I catch up. “I’m an idiot.”
“Why?”
“It may not even be her. Andie could have moved years ago and I’m the weird stalker who is thinking of showing up on someone’s doorstep unannounced.”
“Let’s get something to eat and maybe we can figure something out,” Braxton coaxes, and I finally give in after turning one last time to see the house where my birth mom, at some point, did live.
Chapter 33 ~ Finding Andie
Our hotel is a little sketchy, but it overlooks the beach so I have no complaints. Sitting out here alone on the patio, I find myself getting lost in the rhythmic sound of the crashing waves. The salty sea air touches my lips as the wind whips my hair out of my face. I glance through both screen doors and note that the guys are still sleeping so I stand up and walk out to the sand to enjoy the peace and solitude that the ocean brings.
It’s early, so the beach is relatively empty except for the few people running along the waterline with headphones on. I wonder if they know how lucky they are to live in such a beautiful place. There’s a spot that catches my eye so I take a seat on the sand and let my toes wiggle beneath to the soft, cool earth as I hug my knees to my body.
It’s still early in Texas, but I pull out my phone to check in with Mom and Dad.
Me: You up?
Mom: I am. Having fun?
Me: Yeah. It’s beautiful out here.
Mom: I bet. I guess you haven’t seen her yet.
Me: Not yet. Nervous.
Mom: You’ll be fine
Me: R u ok?
Mom: I am now
Me: I miss you
Mom: I love you so much and I miss you too. Always.
She doesn’t send anything else and neither do I. This is an almost perfect morning, and as much as I’d love to go for a run on the beach, there’s no time. If I am going to see her, I need to do it before my nerve is gone. And the guys and I decided we wanted to check out the zoo later before we head back home, so I stand up and shake the sand from my clothes before walking back to the hotel room.
The screen doors are still open when I return to the room, and the guys are starting to wake up. I look over to see Haden with his arms propped behind his head, watching me. A smile plays on his lips when my eyes meet his and he motions for me to come to him.
“How long have you been up?”
He rolls to his side and faces me so I sit next to him where his body curves.
He moves a strand of hair from my face and yawns. “Not too long. I saw you sitting on the beach, but you looked like you wanted to be alone,” he says.
“You should have joined me—could’ve used the company,” I answer and lean down to kiss his cheek. “It’s pretty out there.”
“Maybe we can go for a run later, or just lay out,” he suggests and my mood brightens.
“Everyone still up for the zoo?” I ask loudly for any that are up listening at the moment.
Braxton raises a limp arm before dropping to the pillow next to his head. Joey gets up from the bed and stretches, revealing his stomach as he steps outside to the patio. He looks back and gives me thumbs up, but Cole still hasn’t responded.
“Cole,” I wait to get his attention before continuing. “I need a favor.”
“If it calls for me leaving this hotel, count me out,” he says with his eyes shut as he fights the incoming light.
“Can I borrow your car?”
He sits upright and looks at me with wide eyes as if he didn’t hear me correctly.
“Please?”
“Where are you going?”
“To Andie’s house,” I say her name as if she’s an old friend.
“Just wait and I’ll come with you,” he breathes out at the same time as he reaches for his jeans from a pile on the floor.
“No, it’s fine. I’d rather go alone,” I tell him loud enough for everyone to hear.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Braxton says now that he’s fully awake.
“I love you, Brax, but I’ll be fine. You know I will.”
He watches me for any signs that I’m lying before giving me the Braxton Jameson smile he’s always been known for. Everyone usually follows his lead, so his confidence in me is a plus.
“You shouldn’t go alone,” Cole snaps, looking to the guys for support.
The room is silent, leaving only the sounds of the tide and birds squawking outside to fill it. Cole bites the inside of his mouth and looks out the window, clearly annoyed that no one jumped on his bandwagon.
“Cole, I’m going to do this alone with or without your awesome car, I’d just prefer to do it with. I’m not asking for permission to go—because I am going.”
“She’ll be fine,” Joey finally says from the patio and I smile knowing he believes I can handle whatever comes my way. Because I can.
“Yeah, Lai’s got this,” Haden adds, and turns to me. “Make sure you have your phone in case you need us.”
“Cole?” I say his name in an attempt to get him to look at me.
“Yeah, take it,” he says as he hands the keys to me but doesn’t let go. “We’ll be at the beach when you get back.”
“Thank you, you’re the best,” I say when I finally take the
keys. “Behave,” I warn before I rush off to get changed.
White shorts and a denim shirt are what I brought with me, which is nicer than I usually dress in the summer. I wash my face and apply a natural layer of makeup so I don’t look like I’m trying too hard, but there’s no doubt I am. I want her to like me. I finish the look with a pair of brown hoop earrings and pull my hair into a loose ponytail.
This is it.
I step out of the small bathroom but the guys are gone—all but Haden. I look around and he points out to the beach.
“You look hot,” he says and gives me a kiss. “I wanted to tell you I love you and no matter what happens, you’re going to be fine.”
“I know,” I smile confidently. “Thanks for sticking around.”
“Always,” he answers. “Text me so I know you’re okay?”
I wrap my arms around his neck and look him in the eyes as I let the gravity of what’s about to happen sink in. He leans his forehead to mine, closes his eyes, and wraps his arms around my waist. I could stay here with him, like this, and never want anything else, but I have something to do.
“I’ll call you,” I say, kissing him before releasing my grip, and as I walk to the door I turn to see him watching me leave.
* * *
“What am I doing here?”
I’ve been sitting in the car, parked across the street from the house I think belongs to Andie for twenty minutes, but I have not been able to get myself to make the next step: getting out.
“She’s going to think I’m crazy,” I say out loud again. “I am crazy: I’m sitting in a car. Alone. Talking to myself.”
Get out of the car.
I will my body to cooperate with my mind, but it doesn’t appear to care. The guys said I don’t have to do anything, and I know that, but I don’t think I’ve ever been afraid of anything as much as I am right now.
Maybe I’ll take a walk.
In front of her house.
That seems completely normal.
The mental pep talk I gave myself on the way over doesn’t seem to be working, so maybe good, old-fashioned self-deception will. When I open the car door to step out, I feel as if I’m running on autopilot without control of my body. The door slams shut behind me and I straighten my clothes in an effort to look presentable before checking my appearance in the side view mirror.
The car makes the familiar sound to indicate that it’s locked as I cross the street, but a car whizzing past stops me.
Maybe it’s a sign that I should turn around.
The thought comes to mind, but then I recall the words of Madame Rae: “…things are not always what they seem, so keep an open mind…”
You got this.
There are no cars coming, so I walk the three car lanes safely avoiding any mishap, but walk in the opposite direction of the house I want to visit. I think I need a few more minutes to prepare—or at least that’s what I’m trying to convince myself.
Turn around. What’s the worst thing that can happen—she rejects you? Been there, done that.
I close my eyes and take a cleansing breath as I force myself to turn around and face my fear. The last address I have for her is four houses away and the journey to get there is painfully slow. There are two women jogging toward me as they push strollers with sleeping babies in them, and for some reason I want to laugh. Maybe it’s nerves.
As I get closer, the butterflies in my stomach work overtime and I’m not sure if I’m going to make it, but I push through until I’m standing in front of the house I stared at yesterday. It’s small and the yard leaves little room for a pet since a blossoming garden takes over the entire site. Beautiful roses and exotic flowers grow wild and there looks to be a vegetable garden, too.
I look up at the house and prepare myself to walk the short distance to the door, but I lose my nerve when I see the children’s toys strewn across the small front porch. My body refuses to take the steps that lead me there and before I know it, I’ve turned around to make a hasty retreat for Cole’s car.
“Are you Charlize?” a voice calls from behind me and I freeze in place.
Don’t turn around, I tell myself over again, but my body doesn’t cooperate at all.
“I’m sorry,” I say as I turn around and I’m faced with a beautiful woman with dark brown hair, much darker than my own.
“Charlize?” she repeats with a smile.
I swallow hard and shake my head since the words don’t seem to want to come out of my mouth.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were the person I was interviewing for the nanny position,” she says as her cheeks flush. “She’s supposed to be here in an hour, but when I saw you standing on the sidewalk, I thought you were her and you were early.”
“I’m sorry, ma’am, I was just out for a walk,” I lie, unable to take my eyes off her.
“Do I know you?” She cocks her head to the side and examines my face as she offers a friendly smile.
“I don’t think we’ve ever met,” I answer genuinely because I have never met her. “My name is L—uka, my name is Luka.”
If I say “Laila,” she may figure it out and I’ll scare her. Thank God my parents gave my sister an “L” name.
“That’s a great name,” she grins and stares at me more intently.
“Mommy,” a little girl yells and runs out of the house into her arms. “Evan hit me.”
“I’m sorry,” she says to me before looking at her daughter. She has wispy blond hair that’s pulled into a small barrette, and electric blue eyes that catch my attention. “Ava, you two need to be nice. Go tell your brother to come here.”
“Terrible twos my ass,” she laughs. “Terrible threes and fours is more like it. I’m sorry, I didn’t introduce myself, I’m Andie—I’m sorry, but are you sure we’ve never met?”
“I’m positive, I’m not from here, I’m from—Arizona—visiting a friend.” It’s amazing how easily the lies are coming to me.
“Maybe you have a familiar face. I’m a hotel manager downtown and I see lots of faces.” She shrugs, maintaining her smile.
“That’s probably it,” I answer.
She extends her hand to me and I take with an easy smile.
Hi, Mom.
“Nice to meet you,” I say in return. “So you have two kids?”
Her face looks sad for a fleeting moment and she nods. “Yeah, twins just turned four.”
“It only gets crazier,” I offer. “My sister is five and she’s a handful.”
“Don’t tell me that, I’m so scared of anything over ten,” she says when the little boy comes running out to her begging to be held.
“Mommy, who’s dat?” he asks, pointing to me.
“That’s Luka,” she says. “Can you say hello?”
“Hi,” the two say in unison.
“Hi,” I say back.
I’m your big sister.
Observing my birth mom with her new family, one that she was actually able to care for, causes a mix of emotions in me. On the one hand, I’m thankful for the parents I have—they are amazing. But at the same time, why wasn’t I worth keeping? Was it easy for her to start this new life?
“I should get going and call my mom. If I don’t call every few hours, she starts to get worried.”
“I hope these two grow up to be as considerate as you,” she remarks as she sets Ava on the ground and looks at me appreciatively.
Something takes over and before I know it, I’m kneeling on the ground in front of Ava and Evan with a smile on my face. They each have an arm wrapped around their mom’s leg and watch me warily. I look up at Andie and wink as if we are in on our own secret.
“Hey guys, see this lady here? She works really hard to be a good mom to you both, so take it easy on her, okay? Because you’re pretty lucky to have her. Don’t you think?”
The twins smile as if I’ve given them the keys to some secret that no one else knows and nod in agreement.
“Good.”
I
stand up and when my eyes meet Andie’s, for a split second I think she knows who I am, but then the flicker of recognition is gone. The time has come and I need to go, so I extend my hand and she takes it. It’s soft with a few calluses, and shows the wear of hard work.
“It was nice to meet you, Andie.”
Goodbye, Mom.
“You, too, Luka.”
I smile one last time and wave to the twins but hurry away because I’m about to lose it in big, embarrassing tears in front of the woman who gave me life and has no idea who I am. For whatever reason, I can’t open the door fast enough and I climb into the SUV, burying my face in my hands as my sobs consume me.
The opportunity to let her know who I am, the person I’ve grown into, where I’m going in life, has passed me by. Yet I don’t feel like I missed out. I’ve just said goodbye to a woman I’ve never known and as painful as it is, I know it was the right thing.
Chapter 34 ~ Finding Home
“Call me later, after you’ve talked to your mom and dad,” Haden says after he kisses my forehead.
“Yeah,” I answer and take my duffle bag from his hand. “I love you.”
“Love you back,” he answers and stands at the end of the driveway while I walk to the door. I turn around to face him and watch him climb into his car and drive off.
“You’re back early,” Mom says and jumps off the couch to hug me. “Come tell me all about it. Did you see her?”
She looks scared by my answer and sits down to wait for me to join her. I’ve avoided sharing any details about meeting Andie because I wanted to talk to my parents in person.
“Is Luka sleeping?” I ask. It’s only six, but they make her go to bed early.
“Yeah, but she’ll be excited to see you in the morning,” she says through teary eyes. “I missed you so much.”
“I missed you, too.”
“Where’s Dad?”
“He was in the back, I’ll go get him.” She stands up and heads through the kitchen and leaves me sitting alone in our living room.
“Mommy?” Luka calls out from the stairs.
“Hey kiddo,” I call out, “what are you doing out of bed?”
“Lala!” she yells and bolts down the stairs and into my lap.