I rolled my eyes and huffed at him. “Uh-uh, big guy. You know the rules. You do not discuss my love life in public, nor do you even mention it between the two of us.”
“Oh come on, Mae. You’re perfect. What isn’t to love?”
I twisted my lips and fought a smile as I pointed a finger at my face. “Umm, I really hope Theresa bought you some glasses this year. Seems you’re having trouble seeing properly.”
He scowled at me which was usual for our traditional conversation over my life. “Fuck that, Mae. Your inner beauty is what makes you the special person you are. You are stunning. Your huge eyes, bloody hell, even Theresa is jealous of those. The way your lips pout naturally makes you a stunner, and those bloody sculptured cheekbones… fuck… hot, Mae.”
I stared at him then let out the laughter. “Shit, Spud, don’t let your wife hear you say those things. Sounds like you have a bit of a thing for me.” I knew he was just trying to be nice and his heart was all there but to be told you’re beautiful by someone who’s practically your brother doesn’t have the same effect.
I reached up and placed a tender kiss on his cheek. “You have a good Christmas, Spud. I’ll see you in the new year.”
He smiled then let out a deep sigh. The sadness in his eyes descended quickly but he shifted it when he saw my reaction. “Well, if you change your mind about Christmas dinner you know Theresa and I would love to have you.”
“I know.” I smiled widely, thankful for his friendship and care. “But I’ll be fine. Me and the TV have a hot date… oh and the bottle of Chardonnay that has my name on it.”
He nodded once then wrapped me up in his arms. The wool from his coat itched at my nose but I held on as tight as he did, relishing in his companionship and affection. It would be the last I saw of him until the factory opened up again after the Christmas break. “Well, Mae Swift. Happy Christmas, darling. I really hope this one grants you your dreams,” he whispered before he was gone, leaving me holding the door to Bert’s open, furious shouts of ‘its freezing, shut the damn door’ echoing around me.
I stood behind the man in the long grey coat already ordering coffee at the counter as I pulled my purse from my bag. I flicked through the coins and sighed.
“Usual, Mae?” John shouted over the shoulder of the man to me.
“Just coffee today, John, thanks.”
He scowled at me as I counted the right change and placed it on the counter then went over to my usual table by the window and settled to people watch.
I unwrapped my scarf from around my neck and pulled off my gloves, flicking my gaze over the outside world of shoppers, commuters, and just Sheffield in general. The tram slid past and I smiled to myself. Everything was as it should be. The 5:15 commute from Meadowhall to Sheffield central was running on time. Bob, who ran the small hardware shop across the road, lifted his hand to me before he brought in his shop sign. Mavis from the florists smiled and waved as she slid into her beat up Punto. And John placed my double shot, white coffee on the table in front of me – with my favourite cherry lattice pastry. I scowled at him. He winked before he went back to see to the other customers.
I ripped the corner of the sugar packet and poured the brown contents into my coffee then picked up the spoon to stir. The spoon clanged against the cup when each single hair on my body rose in awareness, ice trickled along my spine as my muscles seized up in fear.
I spun round in my chair, my eyes furiously scanning my surroundings to see what had set my instincts on high alert. The usual regulars carried on with their conversations. John and Bert laughed at something playing on the cheap TV that was housed on the precarious shelf at the back of the workspace. The snow continued to pile up outside, but there was something off, something that had my heart racing and my throat closing in.
“Hi, Mae,” a voice shouted from the other side of the café. Before turning I glanced again through the window, desperately trying to spot what had the attention of my sixth sense. A shadow moved through the tiny alleyway beside Mavis’, a tall silhouette with a masculine frame and gait, his long grey overcoat blew out behind him as he hurried around the corner.
“Mae?”
I jolted and whirled to see Shirley grinning at me with her crooked yellow teeth, the many strands of hair that jutted from her chin causing me to shudder. “Sorry, Shirley. I was miles away.”
“That you were, my dear. Anywhere nice?”
“Not really.” I grimaced and scanned the room for the guy who had been in front of me at the counter queue. “Did you see a man in here, Shirley?”
She lifted her eyebrows then laughed, her manic cackle reminding me very much of the witch she also resembled in appearances. “I see lots of men, lovey.”
I quirked a brow back at her but she winked and patted my shoulder. She fixed her eyes then tilted her head curiously and snatched her hand back from me as though my shoulder had shocked her. She gasped and held a hand to her chest. “Oh my.”
“Okay, Shirley.” I peered at her hesitantly. “Way to go on the freaky shit.”
She blinked but shook her head as she continued to scrutinise me. “I…” She shook her head again then turned and walked off, sitting herself back in her seat at her regular table in the other corner of the room. Her eyes fixed on me, her odd stare penetrating me for the whole duration of my time spent there.
I purposely ignored Shirley as I hurried through my cherry Danish and coffee, my eyes roaming the street outside the entire time. Nothing seemed unusual, yet I couldn’t help but wind myself up. The anguish and fear raged through my veins, building the pressure in my head until I felt like I would explode.
The fifteen minutes journey home took a record ten minutes as my little legs hurried along the three streets to my apartment, my eyes glancing in every direction as my head turned left and right to check for any company and my ears were open to the slightest noise around me.
The build-up of pressure was becoming unbearable as every fibre in me throbbed mercilessly and my brain thumped against my temples. The incessant bang, bang, bang made my teeth grind against each other as my stomach coiled with fear.
The kids on the estate gave me their usual welcome home as they greeted me with taunts and pelted handfuls of ice that scratched my cheeks and lips, one particular chip cutting an inch of skin above my right eye, it’s deep gash actually doing me a favour and giving me enough of a reprieve against the pain to get me to my apartment. To them I wasn’t Mae Swift, the pizza maker whose life was hanging in the balance. No, I was the ugly freak, the weird girl who lived on the ground floor in apartment 4 who never had company, never made a connection with any of them or even looked their way, the hideous scarred weirdo who provided them with entertainment on a housing estate that didn’t offer any other source of amusement.
I shoved my front door closed behind me, placing the four chains in their housings, sliding the lock into place and slipping the three bolts into their catches.
I flicked every single light on my journey through my apartment, obliterating the shadows that threatened to choke me as I worked my way through to my bedroom. I dropped to my knees in front of the wardrobe and dug my hands under the blankets at the bottom, feeling for what I wanted.
As soon as the small tin found my fingers I sighed as release was suddenly realistic and not held just beyond reach.
I dashed into the bathroom, finally flicking the little pull cord that operated the little strobe light above the sink and pulled open my battered little tin. The contents fell into the sink in my haste but I didn’t care, it made it easier to find what I wanted.
I grabbed at the button on my jeans, ready to pull them off before I realised I wouldn’t be seen in public for over a week and didn’t need to hide.
I yanked off my coat and tore at my sleeve until it was rolled above my elbow.
My shoulders sagged, my brain sighed and my veins tingled in ecstasy at the first stroke of the blade across the underside of my forearm. My vision swam in delight as I watch
ed the bubbles of blood surface against the paleness of my skin.
My whole body relaxed, my chest unwound, and a deep tranquillity flowed through me with the second pull of the razor against my tight flesh. My heart started to slow back to its regular beat as my chest slowly rose and fell. A heavy sigh vibrated through me, my veins now allowing my blood to flow uninhibited around my body as the constriction eased.
I opened the mirrored cabinet above the sink and hunted for the cotton balls I knew were in there. I moved things around when they didn’t show up.
“Strange, I could’ve sworn…”
My whole life ended when I closed the cupboard door. My heart stopped as a whooshing noise echoed in my ears and my stomach actually gurgled when the acid in it ate the fear that filled it. It seemed too surreal to be real. I was dreaming, that was all; maybe I had banged my head without realising on the way home.
The reflection in the mirror showed the blood leave my face, the flush in my cheeks disappearing as another face materialised over my shoulder.
His mouth twisted into a sinister grin as his threatening chocolate eyes darkened. “Hello again, little lamb.”
Chapter Four
‘Accept the pain. Fear the agony.’
The door opened. I didn’t have the energy to turn myself towards the light that streaked into the room; I simply closed my eyes to it.
I heard the slow plod of his heavy feet on the concrete floor, however I no longer feared him. Fear wouldn’t save me, it wouldn’t end this nightmare. Fear was of no use to me now. I was too exhausted. I just wanted a reprieve from life. I wanted him to get it over with and end it.
The twitch in my big toe was back, the strain from being suspended for so long with just the soles of my feet softly touching the floor causing the slight imbalance in my nerve endings and strain to my muscles.
My legs ached from my shins to my thighs and a fierce burn in my calves ate at my muscles. My arms were numb, my fingers no longer belonging to me but to the chain they had been curled around for so long they had set, giving me an almost garden sculpture resemblance. I had laughed at that thought, many hours ago, the thought that I’d actually die attached to a chain with my fingers seeking support from the thing that caused their pain, my grip so tight I had become one with the metal.
Footsteps circled around me, their slow pace rhythmic and calming after the long silence, their thud, thud, thud sending me into a conscious unconsciousness. His breaths were heavy and loud, regular and paced precisely as he inhaled through his nose then exhaled through his mouth. It was amazing what your senses picked up after a deep quiet.
He moved away, the bump of his feet growing softer the further he got. I tried to regulate my breathing to the pattern of his movement, inhaling or exhaling every time his foot connected with the ground but his steps were a tad quicker than my shallow breathing.
I was suddenly dropped, my body screamed out at the sudden release, my muscles shrivelling and my bones cracking with the abrupt action. The side of my head bounced off the concrete, my neck unable to support it as my body sagged to the floor. Pain shot to every single section of my body, the knock causing me to cry out as I tried to lift my hands to cradle my head, but the muscles in my arms were too weak.
“Nadu, Mae.”
I fought with the heaviness of my eyelids but the effort was too strenuous. He repeated himself and I prised my eyes open, the harshness of the light in the room piercing my brain and stinging my eyes.
I winced unconsciously when he dropped to his haunches before me, his forearms on his thighs as he studied me intensely.
“You have a lot to learn, Mae,” he said, his tone calm but controlled. I stared at him, unable to give him any response. “But you will,” he finished with a sigh before he stood back up and tilted his head as though waiting for something. “Let’s make this simpler for you.”
I squealed when he bent and gripped my hair then yanked me upright, my legs splayed out by the side of me as he supported my weary body with his hold. “When I enter, you will kneel with your knees apart and your hands on your thighs. Do you understand?”
I squinted, bewilderment and confusion now an enemy when his words jumbled in my head. I shook my head as much as I could. Why the fuck would he want me to kneel?
He sighed faintly and pulled on my hair, lifting me further off the ground as pain shot through my scalp and into my brain. I yelped when he kicked at my legs. Instinct drew them into my body as I tried to tuck them underneath me to protect them.
He tutted and sighed when I obviously didn’t meet his satisfaction. “Look at me, Mae.”
I blinked furiously when my eyes still refused to accommodate the light, the pain torturing me until I gave in and left them closed. I cried out when the back of his hand shot across my cheek, firing a deep burn through the flesh as my head knocked against the ground once more.
“Look – at – me.”
I squeezed my eyes shut then attempted to open them, furiously trying to ignore the pain and focus on him.
“Better.” He pulled in a breath and crouched low again, his hard eyes on mine, daring me to close them again. I whimpered when he lifted up a bottle of water and waggled it in his fingers. “You want this, lamb? Are you thirsty?”
I gave him a simple nod as I begged him with my eyes.
“Speak.”
I swallowed against the dryness and clog in my throat that had settled there hours ago. “Yes,” I managed to croak out, gulping again at the soreness in my throat.
“Then kneel.”
I stared at him for a moment, checking for any humour on his face but there was none. This man was deadly serious. If I didn’t want to die of dehydration then I needed to kneel.
I shifted slowly, palming the floor as I tried to push myself up. My knees screamed at the bent position after being vertical for so long, however I managed to manoeuvre until I resembled some sort of kneeling position before him.
“Chin up.”
I sighed in frustration and lifted my face until I was staring straight at him in his crouched position. His eyes pierced mine, the rich brown melting before my eyes as a blaze fired in them. He propped my chin a little higher with a finger until my eyes were on his forehead. “You will never make eye contact with me again.”
What was with him? He needn’t worry though, I never wanted to look at him again. Those eyes had haunted my nightmares for years.
He stood and slipped a foot between my knees. “Open your legs slightly.”
I was too tired and thirsty to argue, in addition to the extreme pain over-ruling every single thought in my head so I did as he asked and shuffled my knees apart. “Further,” he whispered. I gulped at the throb that fired in the pit of my gut with his soft tone, fear and terror controlling my blood system and surging dread into every nerve ending with his tender tone.
I sank my teeth into my bottom lip as I held onto my new found temper. It festered inside me, allowing me to nurture it and give me strength. I’d make sure to get the water before he got my wrath.
He took a step back to study me. My eyes closed as humiliation burnt in me. “Open your eyes, Mae. Straighten your back and put your hands on your thighs.” His words were clear and meticulous, firing my deep-seated anger higher and higher but I did what he expected, pulling myself into his required pose.
“Better.”
He crouched before me again and took hold of my chin, tilting my head back slowly. “Open your mouth, little lamb.” His soft tone made me shiver.
Like a lamb to the slaughter.
I gulped at the cool liquid when he held it to my lips and allowed me to drink, the lubrication to my sore throat was nectar but my belly griped angrily.
“Enough,” he barked. “Sip it.”
I swallowed frequently as he poured small amounts into my mouth but as he removed it, my hand shot up to his to stop his confiscation of my life source. He removed the bottle instantly and grabbed onto my wrist tightly. He didn’
t speak, just glared at me with hatred. “EYES!” he snapped when I looked at him.
I dropped my gaze to the floor and waited. His breathing calmed and I relaxed a little. His expensive shoes reflected the curl of my lip as he unlocked my wrists from the cuffs. “Get up.”
I rolled my eyes at the floor and pushed myself upright, finally planting my feet solidly on the floor after three attempts. I stood straight as his gaze wondered over my filthy body. “Follow me.”
I shuffled after him as he walked from the room. He was pacing ahead but my eyes were too busy taking in my surroundings to take much notice of him.
“Holy shittin’ fuck,” I breathed as I stared at the luxury around that poxy little shithole he had kept me in.
I screamed out as his knuckles connected with my mouth and I fell against the banister. “Keep your filthy mouth closed from now on.”
I gasped and brought my hand to my mouth, dabbing gently at my lip. Blood covered it when I brought it away. Fury bubbled inside me, its strength overpowering me as I launched myself at him. Instinct took control of my temper and gave it sustenance as my fist rocked his head to the side with a sharp snap, his jaw cracking under the force.
He was on me in seconds. My back hit the floor with a sickening thud as his huge body straddled me. He grabbed both of my hands in his single one before he brought his fist into my face four times. My cheek exploded, bringing tears to them as my sore, swollen eyes squeezed shut against his abuse. He grabbed my hair and held my head down as his face came an inch from mine. “You ever touch me again and I will hurt you. You think this is pain?” he spat as I whimpered and cried underneath him. “Then you have a lot to learn about me, Mae. I can crush you in a heartbeat, and believe me, I will.”
His spittle sprayed my face as his warm breath clung to the wetness from my tears.
“Fuck you!” I spat back. Impulse urged me to fight back, refuse his dominance. In a way I hoped my challenge would encourage him to finish this, my mind was playing with the scenario too much, feeding me with horrors and fright of what was to come.
The Decimation of Mae (The Blue Butterfly) Page 4