Zara isn’t just the calm to my storm; she’s my other half. My better half. This woman owns every piece of me, which is why it crushed me when she claimed that I was still in love with my ex. If only Zara knew just how much I fucking hate that bitch. If only she knew what I would do to turn back the hands of time so that I could wait for her instead of wasting my life with the vicious, baby killing, manipulative cunt I ended up with.
Sniffling, Zara peers at me with red-rimmed eyes sparkling with tears that have me bending to kiss them away. When she goes to pull back at the soft touch of my lips against her damp, sweet-smelling skin, I pull her closer and hold her tighter. There’s not a chance in hell I’m letting her go just so that she can leave me. Never. Going. To. Fucking. Happen. This woman is mine, and the sooner she accepts that, the easier this will be for both of us.
Brushing the last of her tears away with my thumb, I groan,
“Baby, stop. It’s killing me to see you cry.”
I expect her to yell at me, scream, tell me to leave, but Zara does none of those things. Instead, she murmurs,
“Then stop being an insensitive asshole and I won’t have to cry.”
“I heard you and Nate talking, Zara. I think it’s high time we had a conversation of our own, don’t you?”
She looks skeptical but then I can’t blame her. I’ve done nothing to show her how I feel, except push her away and shut her out of nearly every aspect of my life that isn’t work related.
“Why? Why now, Knight?” It’s a simple enough question, but one I don’t have an answer to.
I could lie and say the timing is finally right, or now that she knows the truth about the part of my life I’ve kept hidden from her we can try and make a go of it, but that isn’t true. Honestly, it wouldn’t matter what’s going on in my life, the roadblocks we face, or if people are willing to accept a relationship between us, I’d still be here, and I’d still be claiming this woman as mine.
Trailing my fingers up and down her spine, I feel Zara shudder beneath my hands.
“Does it really matter, baby?” I begin with. “You have feelings for me, and I care about you more than I’ve ever cared about anyone else, so why not now?”
“Not good enough,” she huffs. “I’m only just starting to figure out what I want to do with my life, Knight. Working for you is great when I’m not having to worry about my job security every five minutes, or if you’re in the mood to be a major league asshole on days ending in Y. But I don’t want to be your gym manager forever. That wasn’t part of the plan when dad asked me to help out, and I told you as much. If you were listening in, then you know I have a job lined up after this contract ends and I’m going to take it. This is my chance to break out on my own, Knight, and I’ll be damned if I let you try and manipulate me into staying by using my feelings for you against me.”
“Is that what you really want, though, Zara?” I push, wanting her to open up to me. “You want to pack up and leave your family and friends for fuck knows how long, to take a job you know you’re going to fucking hate in a city you’ve never visited?”
Throwing her hands up between us in exasperation, Zara glares at me, pursing her gorgeous full lips.
“Truthfully, I don’t know what I want. There was a time where I thought I did, but I was so wrong it isn’t even fucking funny. The way I see it, if I was wrong then when everything pointed to it being so right, then what can it hurt to try things that take me out of my comfort zone?” She ends on a shrug.
The anger inside me rises at the thought of Zara leaving, but it morphs into an all-consuming rage when she mentions going outside of her comfort zone. The connotations that come from her statement twist my gut into tight knots and set off a chain reaction I can’t put a stop to even if I wanted to.
I spear my hand into the back of her hair and hold it tightly in my fist as I tilt her head back. I want Zara looking into my eyes so that I can gauge her reactions. She’s like an open book; every one of her emotions starkly displayed on her face for me to read.
“I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but caring about you was never one of them. I should have come clean and told you about Dark Knights sooner, but I couldn’t risk you looking at me differently. If you didn’t take it well, I could have lost you, Zara.”
“Or you could have found out sooner that I don’t give a damn about you being a glorified pimp,” she returns hotly.
“Maybe, but that was a fucking big gamble, sweetheart. Not many women would react the way you did, though,” I concede.
“I’m not most women, Knight. I was raised by a man who is unapologetically all male. Dad doesn’t blink at the number of girls my brothers have slept with. And he didn’t say squat about the time Rhodes and I got picked up by the police for smoking a joint behind the gym at school. Slade got drunk and threw up in dad’s boots, and aside from dragging his hungover ass out the front and making him clean them, there were no other repercussions. We weren’t raised the same way most kids were, Knight. Dad stuffed the boys’ drawers, wallets, and glove boxes full of condoms, and made me an appointment to see the doc about birth control. His birds and the bees lecture was uncomplicated and straight to the point; “don’t fucking do it until you’re ready to change shitty diapers at three am while the kid projectile vomits all over you.” Pop gets drunk off his ass more often than he’s sober, and while dad likes to bitch about the old coot rotting his liver, he’s always there to help me carry him to bed when he finally passes out. That was my life, Knight. Shit, that is my life.”
It’s true, Zara was brought up by Chase in an unorthodox way, but he still had rules. Not many, but they were non-negotiable. No babies. No sexually transmitted diseases. Disrespect will not be tolerated. And no fucking under his roof. That’s it.
Zara continues by saying,
“And you know what? I like my life. I love my family, even my brothers when they’re behaving like shitheads, and I love my friends. Vegas might not be one of my life goals, but I can’t deny the experience of getting out of Lower Falls will be good for me. I’ve lived here all my life, Knight. I didn’t go to college, and I haven’t traveled. My whole world is here, and that’s not healthy.”
“Bullshit, baby,” I bark more harshly than I intend. “There’s nothing wrong with having everything you need right here. That goes for me too. I’m here, Zara. And I’m asking you to give me a chance. Give us a chance.”
When her eyes fill with tears again, I know I’m losing her. I know if I let her, Zara will pull away from me, and there goes any opportunity I have of convincing her of how good we’ll be together.
I’ve got no choice but to go all in. It’s humiliating and will probably cost me big, but I have to tell Zara the truth. The whole truth. If I expect her to take a chance on me, I have to be willing to take the risk that she won’t turn me away after I confess my most recent of sins.
“If this is going to work, I don’t want any secrets between us. Aside from telling you about Dark Knights, I’ve always been honest with you, baby.” Steeling myself, I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. “Two nights ago, I took myself off Dark Knights roster. I’ll still be an active part of the business, but behind the scenes only.”
“I don’t want you…” she tries to interject, but I don’t let her.
“My decision was based on a number of things, baby. Sure, you were the driving factor, but there’s more to it than that,” I insist. Shaking my head ruefully, I add, “I never planned to take on any clients of my own, Zara. But when my marriage fell apart, for a while there I figured why not. Nothing was stopping me anymore, so when Locke asked if I’d be interested in meeting one of his regulars who’d been begging him to bring someone along to watch as he fucked her, I said yes.”
Zara’s expression is shocked, but there’s a hint of arousal sparkling in her eyes too. Interesting.
“Yeah,” I nod. “Surprised the hell out of your brother too. I’d been saying no for so long I don’t know why he bothered to
keep asking, but that time it paid off. It wasn’t often, but it was a regular gig,” I try to reassure her. “Once a month she’d check into a suite at the Westerly Downtown where Locke and I would join her for three or four hours.”
Goddammit, this is hard. My palms are sweating, and the words are scarcely audible as I fumble through what has to be one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done.
“She got off on watching. I didn’t touch her. I never touched her. All she wanted was for me to sit on a chair at the end of the bed and watch as Locke fucked her. It was up to me if I got my cock out and jerked off during one of their sessions, but it wasn’t part of the original deal. I won’t lie, baby; I did. A few times. It’s fucking erotic as hell sitting in a room that smells like sex and sweat, hearing skin slap together, and watching as a woman’s pussy opens up to take eleven inches of cock even if it isn’t your own.”
That’s more than likely more information than Zara will ever want to know about the size of her oldest brothers’ dick, but it can’t be helped. I have to set the stage in order to explain why I did what I did.
“But do you know what I thought of every single time I fisted my cock so hard I came all over my hand?” My voice rasps as I see Zara’s pulse begin to flutter wildly. “I thought about you and your gorgeous little body. I wondered whether your tight, wet pussy could take me in one thrust. I fantasized about coming on your perfect tits, marking you with my jizz and rubbing it into your skin when I was done. I dreamed about fucking you in every way conceivable; your mouth, your pussy, and eventually, after I got you ready for me, your ass. It was always you, baby. Even if you weren’t there, you were never far from my thoughts. And as fucked up as that sounds, watching another woman getting plowed and fantasizing about you, that’s what I did.”
Breathily, Zara moans,
“Oh, God.”
Thank fuck some of this is penetrating with her. Now for the hardest part.
“Like I told you, as of two nights ago I officially quit that side of things.”
Before I can go on, Zara chants,
“Please tell me you didn’t. Please, please, please.”
“Fuck me, I can’t,” I groan, dropping my head into my hands. “I’d already committed myself to going, Zara; canceling at the last minute would have reflected poorly on Locke. Shit, baby. I’m sorry. So fucking sorry.”
Gritting her teeth, Zara’s hands go to her hips, and she snarls,
“What did you do? Exactly. Don’t sugar coat it because I’m not diabetic so that won’t appeal to me. Just tell me the truth. The whole fucking truth for once.”
I hold my hands out in a placating gesture trying to get her to calm down.
“I didn’t fuck her if that’s what you’re thinking. I haven’t fucked anyone since the first time I touched you in my office.”
“Oh, wow,” she exclaims sarcastically. “A whole month. I’m proud of you, Knight, that’s quite the achievement.”
Ignoring her in favor of getting this over and done with, I say,
“Everything was going to script, just as it had every other time until she asked if she could suck me off. Jesus, she was fucking determined,” I huff, rubbing a hand across the back of my neck. “It’s not an excuse, but we weren’t together. I’d just had to watch three hours of non-stop, dirty, raw fucking and I was hard as hell. Fuck, Zara. I can’t even jerk myself off anymore. Every time I try, I imagine your pussy and my hand just doesn’t cut it. So when a hot, willing woman gets down on her knees and offered to suck my dick, I said yes. And I regretted every fucking minute of it.”
“Poor you,” Zara hisses. “I’m truly sorry you didn’t enjoy yourself. Maybe you’ll have better luck next time,” she scoffs backing further away from me.
“Stop,” I bellow, the sound echoing loudly throughout the room. When she does, I plead, “With everything in me, I wish I could take it back. I fucking wish I could rewind time and never have gone in the first place, but I can’t, Zara. All I can do is tell you that I fucked up and how goddamn sorry I am.”
For a few tense seconds, we stare at each other. Neither of us moves a muscle. I’m trying my damnedest not to walk over to Zara, put her over my knee, and spank her until she believes every word I’ve said. And if what I’ve noticed about her is right, my naughty little minx will bitch and moan about me spanking her deliciously round ass at first, but within seconds she’ll be dripping wet and turned the fuck on.
However, I don’t get the chance to find out. My phone rings, effectively pausing our conversation. This isn’t over, though. Not by a long shot.
“Wait. Just wait. Let me see who this is then we can go somewhere and talk some more. Please, Zara.”
At her nod, I answer,
“What?”
“It’s Jay,” one of my oldest friends, Jonas booms. “You need to get your ass to the Vengeance clubhouse. ASA-Fucking-P, brother.”
“Not a good time,” I growl.
“I don’t really give a shit whether it’s a good time or not, Knight. Your fucking wife is over there causing trouble. Aislinn’s about ready to smack a bitch while Bella and Avery hold her down. My wife is chomping at the bit to get in on the action, and Beth is barely restraining herself from pulling the cunts hair out. Now you can either go defuse that estrogen-fest or not, that’s up to you. But time isn’t on her side, brother,” Jonas warns, his tone of voice deadly serious.
“She’s not my fucking wife anymore, Jay. As far as I’m concerned, let them at her.”
“Yeah, and you’re going to be able to live with yourself if I do?” He asks.
It pisses me off that Jonas is right. I couldn’t live with myself if I allowed Lena to get hurt, even after everything she’s done to me. Sighing heavily, I mutter,
“I’ll be there soon. Hold the she-cats off as long as you can.”
Chuckling lightly, Jonas grunts,
“I’ll do what I can.”
I disconnect and with a gnawing feeling in the pit of my gut at being pulled in two different directions – staying here and making things right with Zara, or rescuing Lena – I turn to face Zara and explain what’s going on, but she’s nowhere to be seen. She’s gone, again.
And it isn’t until three painfully long weeks later that I finally find her.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
~ Zara ~
“Shut up voices or I’ll poke you with a Q-tip again.”
– Zara’s inner monologue
“Can I ask you something?” Mia smiles beside me.
Grinning because I know what’s coming, I chirp,
“Sure.”
“Why for the love of all that’s holy are we standing in front of a thirty-foot, forty-five-ton concrete bull?” She questions, genuinely confused.
“Okay, let’s go over this again. Slowly this time,” I say with an exaggerated sigh. “Were sightseeing, Mia, and Albert was on our list.”
Shaking her head, she replies,
“When I agreed to come on this little adventure with you, I honestly believed you were sane. Now, not so much.”
Linking arms with her, I pull Mia towards the ridiculously large roadside attraction and point out,
“I gave you my list, and you didn’t complain then, so shut it, sister.”
Knight’s poorly timed phone call was anything but in my eyes. It afforded me the opportunity to get the hell out of dodge before I burst into ugly tears in front of him.
After making sure, Knight hadn’t noticed me slipping out, I jumped in my truck and sped away from Brent’s as fast as I could without getting sighted for reckless endangerment. I made the two-hour trip home in just over an hour – please do not tell my dad that – shoved some shit in my duffle bag, all the while fighting back the urge to cry.
At some point, Mia came into my room demanding to know what I was doing, so I told her that I was going on a road trip, and she was welcome to join me. She agreed but was none too impressed when I told her we were leaving in ten minutes so she bet
ter get her ass in gear.
Truthfully, Mia’s company has been a Godsend, though. She doesn’t push me to talk about what happened, and her presence alone is calming. I don’t know what it is about Mia that makes people want to open up to her, but whatever it is, she has it in spades.
The first night she found me in the crappy motel room we rented crying myself to sleep, Mia quietly climbed in beside me and hugged me. We stayed like that for hours until we both finally drifted off to sleep, and I can’t remember a time I’ve felt more grateful for another human being, ever.
“But seriously, Iowa, Zara?” She whines. “I mean, while I respect any inanimate object with six-foot testicles, I’m pretty sure the view from the Empire State Building would have been better.”
She’s probably right, but no one will think to look for me in Iowa, let alone Oklahoma, Kansas, or Missouri that we’d driven through to get here.
Knight calls at least five times a day, my dad twice, my brothers three million two hundred and eight six, and Pop once. Not to mention, copious text messages I delete without reading come through, to the point my phone is considering packing its bags and deserting me. I’m not ready to talk to any of them yet, but I was kind enough to leave a note in my apartment for my dad to find that assured him I was fine and just needed some time out.
Vengeance MC Box Set - Volume 2: Gage ~ Cash ~ Knight (Vengeance MC series Book 8) Page 65