by Leah Braemel
“Except you decided to be noble and not interfere because you didn’t want to lose your best friend, your family, the way you had before, didn’t you?”
“They’re all I’ve got, Nik. I don’t have anyone else.” He took a deep breath and looked at Dillon. “When I went to Boston? I was miserable. Your mom phoned regularly, and Griffin emailed me every once in a while, but it wasn’t the same. I couldn’t stand being alone like I’d been before. I love your family, Dill. I’m not about to let them be ripped away from me. Not again.”
Dillon tossed the husk of a beechnut into the pond. “You could have come home more often, you know. They’re your family too. Matthew, Lilly, especially Griffin. They missed you. They used to rag on me about you all the time. Shit, Brett, all you had to do was say something, and I would have backed off and let you date her too.”
“Yeah, but see, they were caught in between, and if they talked to me, I’d know they’d feel like they were being disloyal to you. I couldn’t do that to them. I was used to being alone, to not having anyone when it was just my pop and me. But once I’d been part of your family, gotten used to having people care for me, talk to me like I was worth talking to, I couldn’t live without them.” His voice was rough, as if he’d swallowed glass and each word tore his throat apart. He turned back to face Nikki. “I’m sorry. Maybe I should have told you, I don’t know. You’ve always been special to me. You always will be, but I couldn’t lose Dillon or the Barnetts. I just couldn’t.” The bleak look Brett gave her was one filled with need, with love, but no hope. “You deserve better than me, Nik.”
Tears prickled in her eyes, and her heart ached for the boy he’d been. “You shouldn’t think about yourself that way, Brett. You’re a good man. Any woman would be lucky to have you. I would have gone out with you if you’d asked me back in high school. Maybe I would have ended up married to you instead of Wade.”
Dillon’s eyes widened for just a second before they closed. He exhaled and swallowed. When he opened his eyes again, his eyes were dark with misery. “I can’t tell you how hard this is for me to do, but I love you both enough that I’m prepared to step back. Nik, if you want to date Brett instead of me, I won’t hold you back.”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake.” Brett jumped to his feet again. “Do you think that’s why I told her about how you saved me? Do you think I haven’t seen the connection between you? Shit, Dillon, the electricity between you two would fucking electrocute me if I tried to get between it.”
Nikki stood up, irritated to be spoken about as if she weren’t there. Before she could say anything, Dillon rose to his feet. “Do you think I’m gonna feel good about being with Nikki, knowing I stole her away from you? Do you think I wanna look at her from here on in wondering if maybe she stayed with me out of some sort of misplaced loyalty instead of love? That I’m some sort of rebound from Wade that maybe she regrets?”
Nikki’s jaw dropped. If he’d punched her in the gut, it couldn’t have hurt more. At the same time, she felt guilty she’d been flattered that Brett had wanted to date her, as well as resentful that he hadn’t asked. But did Dillon really think she was with him as some sort of rebound affair? Or was he using it as an excuse to back out of his proposal? “So you’re going to walk away from me? Just like that? What about your proposal?”
He took off his hat and ran his hands over his head. “It meant what I said, Nik. These past few weeks haven’t just been about getting into your pants. I want to marry you. I love you. I just…” He stared at his feet, his voice dropping to a mumble. “I’m not good at saying it, that’s all. It makes me feel like a wuss.”
His admission softened her anger. She couldn’t stop the smile that bubbled up inside. “It wasn’t just about getting into my pants? Sheesh, Dillon, how romantic can you be?” Her smile faded when she realized they hadn’t resolved a thing. “So now what do we do?”
“You’re going to have to decide between us,” Brett said softly. “And whatever you decide, Dillon and I’ll have to find a way to live with your decision so it doesn’t split us apart again.”
You’re going to have to decide between us. The words she’d been dreading hung over her like Damocles’ sword.
Nikki sprang to her feet, pacing along the side of the pond. She loved them both, and now they’d expect her to choose between them? No matter who she chose, she’d end up hurting the other. She’d end up hurting part of herself. “I can’t decide between you right here and now.”
Two days ago, she would have chosen Dillon with no hesitation. Now? There was no way she could choose between them. Not without seeing if maybe there was some spark still between her and Brett. She had to know that she hadn’t jumped into the arms of the first man who’d come along, so she’d never have any regrets when she and Dillon had a fight. And she knew they would have fights; it was part of living with someone else.
Brett walked over to her and stroked her arms. “No one’s asking you to make a decision right now.”
Dillon took a breath and joined them. “Look, Nik, I’m not saying this is easy for me to do. It’s ripping my guts out, but I don’t want you to choose me out of a sense of obligation. I know you’ve been there before. I don’t want to be who you ‘settled’ for. If you choose me, I need to know it’s because you want me. Because you love me. I won’t settle for anything less.”
“Don’t you understand? I can’t choose one of you over the other. Not now. Now that I know I’ve come between you before.” She looked between them. “How am I supposed to choose and not be terrified you’ll end up hating each other?”
“Get to know us,” Dillon suggested. “Stay at my place, the way you have been. I’ll move into the spare bedroom with Brett. We’ll take it a day at a time.”
A blush creeping up her neck, Nikki shook her head. “That’s going to be awkward for everyone, isn’t it? It would be better if I move back to my place.”
“If you’re going to learn about us, to decide between us, you need to see us at our worst as well as our best. Both of us. You’ve been living with me for over a month. Brett moves back in and you get to know him better.” He hesitated a second before exhaling. “You should let Brett take you out for dinner or whatever you two want to do and see where it goes from there.”
“And you’d stand back if I decided to sleep with her?” Suspicion laced Brett’s tone.
“If we decided to sleep together,” she corrected.
Dillon looked ill, but he nodded. “Yeah. I would.”
Brett swore. “Bullshit. You beat the crap out of me when I told you I’d kissed her back in high school. And now you’re all noble about letting me sleep with the woman you asked to marry? Tell me another one, Barnett.”
“I’m not eighteen anymore. And I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am I reacted the way I did. I’ve already apologized. I don’t know what more you expect of me. But I’m not prepared to jeopardize my relationship with either of you. Please, Brett, it’s killing me to do this; I need you to trust me. If Nik says she prefers you, I’ll step aside. Hell, I’ll be your best man at your wedding.” He stuck out his hand and waited for Brett to shake it.
His hand hung there for almost a minute as Brett eyed him. “Don’t you think it should be Nik you’re asking, not me?
They both faced her, Dillon asking, “What do you say, Nik?”
“What do I say? I say you’re both nuts.” Nikki paced along the edge of the pond, putting distance between them before she turned to face them again. “From where I’m standing, I’ve got a couple of choices here. My favorite right now is to move back to my place and not date either of you. I’ll raise goats and morph into an eccentric old lady everyone laughs at.”
“I’m not liking that option,” Dillon muttered.
Brett rolled his eyes at Dillon. “What’s your other choice, Nik?”
“I can move back to my place and date you both, take my time before making my decision.” That was the logical choice. So why didn’t she
like it?
“You don’t have any furniture at your place anyway. It would take a helluva lot of money to replace it all.” Dillon seemed determined to keep her at his place.
While she loved staying at his house, Nikki knew it wasn’t the best idea. And yet, she didn’t want to leave. What happened if she left Dillon and he realized he didn’t want her, and she’d lost the best man she’d ever known? What if Brett didn’t…Arrrgh. Damn, she was getting so tangled up by guilt and desire.
“Stay at my place, Nik. Give it a shot.” The anguish on Dillon’s face, straining his voice, tore at her conscience. “Please?”
Chapter Ten
On the way home, Nikki debated staying at Dillon’s or moving back to her place a dozen times. While she’d decided it was best if she left, the words never made it past her lips. Maybe Dillon was right. Maybe she had latched onto the first man who came along, and her feelings for him weren’t love so much as a way to combat her loneliness. Maybe he was a ‘rebound affair,’ and she’d regret hooking up with him later, though she thought that possibility slim.
But how would she know? She’d only been with one man before this.
For the rest of the afternoon, she was aware of how quiet they were, aware of how Brett angled his body away from Dillon, aware of how Dillon’s eyes followed her every movement with a hunger—and anguish.
She should have ended the charade before they had dinner. But she couldn’t. Damning herself, she toyed with her food, aware of the long silences and the strained air that now filled Dillon’s home. Lying in Dillon’s bed alone that night only heightened her confusion. She loved Dillon. She was sure of it. So why couldn’t she just say it out loud and tell Brett he’d blown his chance, tell him she’d made her choice?
Over the next couple of days, their conversations were stilted, but gradually they relaxed when there were only two of them together. The strain reappeared when all three shared the house.
Most nights, she’d go to bed at the same time as Dillon, then get up when Brett got home. They’d curl up on the couch together, her giving him a backrub when his shift—or their circumstances—left him particularly tense. Other times he’d lift her feet on his lap and massage them. They discovered they liked the same shows, though their taste in music differed. She liked classic rock, he liked country music.
Instead of making her decision easier, she enjoyed both men’s company. The longer she delayed, the more she realized it would be impossible to choose one over the other.
A week into their agreement, Brett disappeared for a while as soon as Dillon’s truck pulled into the driveway. He returned home a couple hours later, a garment bag hooked over his shoulder.
“I want to take you out on a real date this evening, just you and I.” He looked at Dillon. “Do you have a problem with that?”
Dillon looked up from his sketchpad. “Nope, no problem. I gotta work up this proposal for the Snider place.”
The bag proved to contain one of the most beautiful black cocktail dresses she’d ever seen, a black silk thong and a pair of fuck-me stilettos that fit her like a dream. “It’s beautiful.”
He shrugged, but she could tell he was pleased. “If you don’t want to wear it, it’s okay. The clerk said I could take it back if it didn’t fit or you didn’t like it.”
“No, I love it.” She’d never have bought something like this for herself. That he went through the trouble of going to the mall—something she’d discovered both he and Dillon considered the equivalent of bamboo under the fingernails—told her how important the evening was to him.
Frowning at the mixture of excitement and trepidation warring within her, she took the bag and headed up to her bedroom. When she turned to close the door she found Dillon standing in the doorway. She tried to read the expression on his face, in his eyes, but he’d closed himself off.
Frightened that she may already have lost him, she wrapped her arms around his waist. “I don’t have to do this; I love you, Dillon. I won’t go out with Brett if you don’t want me to.”
“I love you too.” He cupped her face between his calloused palms. “But I told you before, I don’t want to be someone you settled for. So if you have to go out on a date to prove to yourself or anyone else that it’s me you want, I guess Brett’s the only guy I’d trust you with.”
She buried her face in his chest, taking a deep breath and holding it. Although he’d taken a shower when he’d come home from work, there was a spicy scent she couldn’t attribute to his usual brand of soap, a scent uniquely Dillon’s. “I don’t know if I can do this.”
He kissed the top of her head. “No regrets, Nik. About anything. Now you’d better get ready. Brett’s waiting.”
He lifted the bag she’d draped on the bed and handed it to her. He started to leave, but stopped in the doorway and spoke over his shoulder. “Nik? If you guys want to…you know, explore things between you? Don’t feel guilty about it, all right? I’ll understand.”
He was seriously giving her permission to sleep with someone else? A tiny crack appeared in her heart, threatening to widen with the tiniest movement. “How can you not be jealous?”
There was a long pause before he answered. “You need to find out if Brett can make you happier than I can…” His voice fractured, and he cleared this throat. “I love you both too much to get in your way. I don’t want you—either of you—putting aside your own happiness because you’re worried about me or how I’ll react. I’ve interfered once already. So you do what you have to do to be happy.”
“You make me happy, Dillon,” she whispered.
“I need you to do this for me, Nik. I need you to do this for Brett. Promise me you won’t back out. Promise me that you’ll give Brett the chance I took away from him back in high school.”
“I—”
“Promise me, Nik. Please.”
“I promise I’ll give Brett a chance.”
Dillon left her alone without looking back. She stared at the dress Brett had brought home for her. She should just hand it back to him, tell him she’d made up her mind. So why was she unzipping the bag? Maybe that alone told her she needed to find out for herself if she was ready to commit to Dillon. To anyone.
Almost an hour later, she came out of the bedroom to find Brett waiting outside, wearing a somber black suit and striped tie. He drove her to a Dallas restaurant, complete with waiters in tuxes. The menu the maitre d’ handed her didn’t have prices on it, but she suspected the bill could have paid the month’s mortgage.
“You keep staring at me.” She touched her hand to her hair. “Is there something wrong? Tell me I don’t have something stuck between my teeth.”
He shook his head. “I just can’t believe we’re here. Together.” He reached across the table and twined their fingers together. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to take you to dinner. Out on a date.”
His intensity flowed across the table, winding along her arm and around her body. How had she lived with him, sat across from him at breakfast and lunch each day for the past weeks and not noticed the raw sexuality surrounding him? How had she not noticed the tiny scar above his left eyebrow, or how his eyes with the darker blue ring around a sky blue center dominated his rugged features? Had he always looked at her with such longing? No, not longing, it was more than that. His look promised long nights of mind-numbing kisses followed by slow tender sessions where he explored every inch of her body.
The need for him had her drawing a shaky breath and pressing her thighs together in an effort to ease the growing ache. Why didn’t it feel wrong to be attracted to two men at the same time?
“Nik? Are you all right?”
All she could do was nod her head.
On the drive back, silence hung between them like a dark curtain. Every now and then, Brett took his hand off the steering wheel to touch her knee or caress her hand. Before she knew it they were out of the city and heading down the interstate toward Dillon’s. “Thank you for not suggesting w
e stay at a hotel tonight.”
He glanced over at her. “I have to admit I seriously considered it. But I figured if I made reservations, you’d feel obligated to have sex with me. I don’t want you to feel obligated to me for anything, Nik. Especially not for sex.”
“I don’t feel obligated.” Horny as hell, yes. Needy, achy, those too. Obligated? Not a chance.
“I don’t want to pressure you, Nik. If we’re going to take things to the next level, I want it to happen in its own time and for the right reasons.”
“What if now’s the right time?” she whispered.
He brought her hand to his mouth. The gentle way he pressed his lips to her knuckles scorched her. “I’d love to, but I want you to be sure about this. About us. It could ruin all our friendships—you, me, Dillon. It could change things between us completely.”
“I know.” She rubbed her thumb over his. It would change things. But she’d promised Dillon to give Brett a chance. “Does it bother you that I’ve made love to Dillon?”
Another mile passed before he answered. “Does it bother you that I’ve made love to other women?”
“No. You weren’t going with me, so why would I hold your past against you? But you know what I mean. I don’t want to come between you two. Not again.”
“What happened in the past wasn’t your fault. What happened this time isn’t your fault either. Way back when this all started, you asked me if I was interested in you and I wasn’t honest with you. I’m the one at fault. Not you.” Even in the dim lighting of the dashboard, she could see his fingers tighten around the steering wheel. “I shouldn’t have even suggested this date. I should have just walked away.”
Yet he hadn’t.
“Maybe we need to look at tonight the same as ripping off a bandage.”
“What do you mean?” He glanced sideways at her.
“Maybe we should get the sex out of the way right at the start. Make sure we click together in bed. That we don’t bore each other or do something that turns each other off. Why waste time?”