Me? I understood it more than he probably realized. I’d felt it the day I hit Maisey Sutton in a rage of anger, and if I had to admit it to myself, jealousy. I wanted her to feel what I was feeling, to feel the darkness I felt when I imagined her with Drew – to feel the hurt she’d caused my brother by keeping Sloane away.
More than anything, though, I needed Drew to understand that I knew he wasn’t perfect and I loved him more for those imperfections. It was in the van that I realized what I felt about him. I had an epiphany as he rode ahead of us, his muscles tight from the undirected rage driving him forward. It seemed like it was an inappropriate time for my head to have a discussion with my heart. The adrenaline was still flooding my veins and I could barely sit still, but no matter how many turns we took, my eyes sought him out, and I knew.
“Time to let it go,” I finally whispered, turning my head to kiss the patch on his back before turning and resting my other cheek there.
He flinched at first, almost as though the sound of my voice breaking through the quiet had caught him off guard. The muscles in his chest tightened before his hands reached up to grab my wrists and pull me further into him. His breaths were ragged and I knew the words he thought he should be saying were rolling around on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn't quite find the traction to push them out.
“Just let the guilt go,” I whispered again. The warmth from his hands around my wrists and the beating of his heart under my palm had me closing my eyes and breathing him in. There wasn’t so much as daylight between our bodies as I stood there, and I didn’t want there to be. In that moment, I wanted to be what he needed.
Something must have clicked inside him, because the second I spoke again, his body turned in my grip, his hands reaching up to my face quickly as though he wasn't quite sure I was the person who was really standing in front of him. “They tried to hurt you,” he whispered shakily.
“I can see where you’re going with this,” I said a little louder, my hand sliding back and reaching up to cup his cheeks. He did it to me all the time to keep my eyes on his, but this time it was my turn to keep his attention on me. I needed him to see how serious I was. There was no blame, not from me, and there were no regrets.
Drew's head shook slowly as he tried to quieten his swallow. “You have no idea where I'm going with this. I've never wanted blood on my hands more than I do right now.”
“I know you do. Believe me, I do. That house was the only thing I had in the world that was worth anything. Every memory of my past was contained in those four walls. Yet, I know that blood will never change that. It will never sate that hunger, and it would take you away from me. I can’t be okay with that, Drew.”
His eyes fell to my mouth, pausing briefly before they shone back up at me, filled with nothing but sadness and confusion. “Don't ask me to walk away from this.”
“I’m not,” I said, realizing how much I meant it. “I couldn’t do that to you, but I’m asking you to be smart about it, Drew. I…” I sucked in a breath and looked down at my feet. I knew the next sentence was probably one of the most selfish I would utter in my lifetime. “I need you.”
“I'll get you killed,” he whispered softly.
My eyes scrunched together, my hands moving down to cup his neck as the crown of my head fell against his chest. I felt as though my own chest was cracking, my ribs being pried apart. The words weren’t there yet, but they were on the rails in that direction and I couldn’t, and wouldn’t accept them. “Don’t. Please. I need you, Drew.”
“Your home has been ruined, your brother hurt. There's a difference between need and want. There has to be.” I was almost convinced that he was trying to push me away until I heard the wobble of his voice and the way he was so obviously trying to convince himself more than anyone else around him.
I’d never been much of a crier in my life. I could count on one hand how many times I’d felt so broken that I just let myself go. I felt broken in that room, standing there with him. The thought of having to give him up made that ringing in my head start and the dread pool in my gut until the tears slowly gathered, resting on my eyelids as I tried my hardest not to blink. Even looking at the floor, I knew once the first tear fell, I wouldn’t be able to stop and the inevitable shake of my body as the sobs broke would give me away.
“Drew…” I sucked in a deeper breath, the sound of the tremble making my thumbs rub the skin of his neck until I threw caution to the wind and looked up, meeting his gaze. “This isn’t about just wanting anymore. Can’t you see? Can’t you feel it?”
He closed his eyes, taking himself away from me for just a moment, and even that was too much. When he opened them up again, they were filled with unshed emotion, just like mine, and that caused me more pain than anything that was about to pass his lips. “You know I can.”
“Then don’t say what you’re about to say.”
“This isn't the right life for you.”
My hands squeezed his neck. “Do you remember that conversation you and I had about choices?”
“Ayda...”
“I choose you, Drew. I choose you.”
His forehead crashed to mine, his hands taking their place in the back of my hair, his fingers curling inside it, tugging hard enough to pull my face further up to his. “Why me? Why now?”
Pushing up on my toes, my legs trembled, but I wouldn’t be deterred. “Because I love you. Because I have never met a man like you in my life. You make me feel alive, you make me feel beautiful and you give me something to fight for. And now was the moment you chose to show up. I think I would have loved you in any time or place, but this is the time and this is the place, Drew.”
Pulling back, his hands remained in place, loosening just a touch as his eyes met mine and he gifted me with a new, lost look I'd never seen before. “You love me?”
For some reason, that was the moment the tears chose to break free, the heated weight of them tracking down my cheeks, even as I nodded emphatically. He was searching my eyes, but I knew what he would see there. I knew all of the answers he was looking for were so close to the surface I might as well have been wearing my heart as a button on my chest.
“I really do.”
Sliding his hands down to the nape of my neck, he pulled me impossibly closer, and even though his body was moving, his face remained completely still, torturing me as I waited for something... anything. Then I saw it, the slow smile that started to creep on one side of his face as he tilted his head and repeated in a raspy breath. “You love me.”
“How could I not?” I asked, pressing my chest against his.
“Jesus, Hanagan,” he blew out heavily, but that grin was growing bigger with every moment that hung between us. Drew worked his fingers and thumbs into the back of my neck, massaging me without even realizing what he was doing as he held my gaze. “We need to work on your choices, sweetheart.”
“Shut up and kiss me, Tucker.”
“Yes, ma'am.” He smirked, right before he closed the distance, his smile disappeared and he melted into my lips.
Drew being Drew, I was waiting for him to make his usual dominant move with every twist and turn of his mouth that sent my mind into another universe, but it never came. He never pulled away. There wasn't any fiery explosion of need or anything that matched up to the rage he'd shown us all just moments before. No picking me up and slamming me against a wall or planting my ass on the nearest hard surface. There was nothing but an eerie stillness in him that I hadn't known he was capable of holding before now. As soon as his shoulders relaxed and his body sank further into mine, it felt like a new, defining moment between the two of us.
He didn’t need to say the words. The gentle but firm way he was holding me, mixed with the passionate way his tongue massaged mine with such tenderness and assurance was more than enough. He was showing rather than saying. He was making everything palpable again. He was being my Drew.
I meant what I said to him. It was said in the heat of the mo
ment, but that didn't make it any less true. I chose him, and I would choose him every time when faced with this situation. If someone had asked me six months ago if I could see myself in love with Drew Tucker, I was pretty sure I would have laughed at them. But back then, I hadn't known the person behind all those walls he’d put up. Now I did. I knew him and I was smart enough to hold on with both hands, literally and figuratively.
He pulled away from the kiss slowly, his thick, muscular arms circling around my neck and pulling me close where he buried his face in my hair and growled under his breath. I'd never been so relieved to hear that sound, because for me, it was him coming to the realization that I wasn't going anywhere.
Breathing him in, I relaxed against his chest, my hands hooking around his biceps as I lowered my feet flat to the ground and let him keep me upright. The adrenaline that had been keeping me going was waning, and the safety of being in Drew's arms spoke volumes.
“Please, don't count me out when things get difficult or scary.”
“Please, don't ask me to make promises I don't know I can keep,” he breathed back against me.
“I’m not asking for promises. Just remember, as fragile as I look, I’m tough under that. I’ve had to be. All I’m asking is that you don’t give up on me. I can’t lose you, too.”
Drew didn't answer right away, instead lifting his head away from mine as he carefully brushed my hair back and looked down on me. The sound of others approaching the door had him looking over me, before he turned back to assess all the damage that surrounded us. “I'll see what I can do,” he said through a heavy sigh, his eyes darkening as the shame he so obviously felt took over.
I smiled and nodded in agreement. For now that was good enough. I’d bought myself enough time to prove I could handle what was thrown at me. I just had to not think about what I’d lost in that fire and I’d be fine.
Wrapping an arm around his waist and moving to his side, I nodded at the door. It was better we go out there than them come into the kitchen. We needed to come up with some kind of plan, which meant the mess, and the aftermath of it, could wait.
CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT
Drew
“Everything alright in here?” Deeks asked, poking his head around the door before giving either of us a chance to move from where we were. Even though Ayda was by my side and I’d managed to calm a little, my body was still tensing every time someone made an unexpected move near me.
Running my hand up and down her arm, I nodded tightly towards him, glancing down at her briefly before guiding us both towards the others. There were parts of me that wanted to crouch down in front of her and double, triple check that she knew what she’d just said. But it was all washed away by the look she gave me as she peeked up through her lashes and pulled at my waist even harder.
Walking us both forward, completely ignoring the mess I was leaving behind me, I flared my nostrils and took a step out towards them, pulling in a huge breath to try and regain some kind of sense of power or control. Only this control wasn’t over my fellow brothers. It was over me, over myself and more specifically, over my thoughts.
When we entered the room, there were still three men standing in front of us. Deeks had his hands on his waist, his face relaxed, even though it was clear he was deep in thought. Kenny was twitching. His hands ran up and down over the back of his head and neck a dozen times while I stared at him, and I caught his glance at Ayda, too. Part of me felt almost sorry for the guy. It was obvious he cared about her. I was choosing right now to see that as a good thing.
Then there was Tate. Tate, who was standing taller than the two of them, his chest puffed out and a new redness to his cheeks as he raised his chin to the ceiling, trying to look down on me while he bounced on the balls of his feet. I’d seen that look before. I’d worn it myself as a kid. That was the look of a boy who was about to turn into a man. That was the look of a child that saw his life through adult eyes for the first time. It was the look of hunger, and all I could hope, as I curled my fingers tighter around Ayda’s arm, was that she was still too shell-shocked to notice it.
“I’d have had more luck getting a newborn to sleep,” Deeks muttered quietly, nodding over to Tate before he rolled his eyes.
“Like I could sleep after that,” Tate grumbled, looking between Deeks, his sister and me.
“It’s okay,” Ayda said quietly, nodding at her brother in understanding, some kind of silent communication going on between them in little gestures.
“Do what you gotta do, kid.” I smiled flatly.
Deeks moved forward, closing the gap between us and glancing over his shoulder at the other two as he did. When he made it so he was close enough, he brought a hand to his face and rubbed it along his chin. “The others will be here soon.”
“Good,” I responded quietly. “Any attacks on the hut?”
“Not one. But they had it locked up nice and early. CCTV isn’t showing anything on the streets, either.”
Slowly blowing out all the air in my cheeks, I gave him another small nod and looked up into his eyes, then at the others. Deeks looked tired. More tired than I’d ever seen him, but then so did everyone. Tate looked like he’d gained at least another three years since he played on the field that night, and Kenny… Kenny looked about ready to pass out. That was the trouble with adrenaline. It got you so far, and while that shit was pumping through you, you may as well have been Superman. But once it started to roll away, once that buzz beneath your skin started to fade and the tight rush in your stomach eased up, the come down was shit. Everything hurt more. Everything hit harder. The reality of what could have happened sunk in, until all you were left with was a reminder of your own mortality, and a throbbing pain on your skin from where death just tapped you on the shoulder.
“You guys did good out there,” I said quietly. “If it hadn’t been for what y’all did, I can’t even begin to fucking think where we would all be right now. I owe you for keeping each other alive.” My eyes drifted down to Ayda, tucked under my arm. I couldn’t say what I really needed to in front of these three men. Anything like that was sacred to her and her alone. I’d just have to wait and bide my time to tell her what felt like it was strangling me in that moment.
“That’s what brothers do,” Kenny spoke up beside me.
“That’s what brothers do,” Deeks repeated.
Tate didn’t get a chance to say anything before the sound of Harleys filled the air again. Jedd’s roared up front before anyone else’s. It was always the way. The leader kept a distance and showed their position. The others followed behind. It didn’t take them long to burst through the door, and when they did, few words were exchanged. Just like before I went inside, any time we’d had a close call, we greeted one another with that odd, manly affection of ours. Slaps on the back, sighs of relief, grunts of love passed from one person to the next, until the room went from five people one minute, to fifteen in the next.
I didn’t let Ayda go. Not once. I’d only just got her back, and the thoughts of what could have been were still too fucking raw in my mind. Not being able to touch her now would hurt as much as losing a limb. I’d lose a fucking limb any day over that. Her body didn’t tense in mine the way it once did, not even when each man passed us by, hitting me with reassurance and kissing her with endearment. She soaked it up, her eyes closing with every touch, her smile growing as her body gained strength from mine.
Jedd was the one to pull us all out of the moment. His hands found my shoulders, his knees bending slightly as he assessed the look on my face the way he always used to do before I got put in the ring.
“Status?” he snapped at me quietly.
“Solid,” I hit back.
“Bullshit meter…”
“Yours or mine?”
“Mine.”
“Is it even on?”
“Can’t be sure. It’s struggling to read you at the minute. It’s been a while. I’ve slept a lot since you got put inside and there have been few p
eople I’ve had to do this to.” Jedd’s smirk broke free, but there was no real emotion behind it. It was his way of trying to placate me, put me at ease and force me to look into his eyes to let me know he was there. They were all there.
“I’m good, bro,” I said calmly, my eyes meeting his as I pulled Ayda even further in.
“Kenny mentioned gunshots.” His gaze drifted to the woman beside me again, almost as though he was trying to figure out if his questions were better directed at her than me.
This time it was my turn to look away. The memory of tearing down the road and seeing the flames while those bastard Emperors ran out onto the lawn and tried to chase after the people who mattered most to me in life was too fucking much. The rage I’d just let go of was still lingering within me. I wasn’t so stupid as to think it would take a lot to bring that back. Glancing over Jedd’s shoulder, I scanned around the half circle of men in front of me. Deeks, Kenny, Slater, Harry… they were all there. Other brothers who may not have been my right-hand men, but who I knew would take a bullet to the brain if it meant saving my skin and letting me live another day. They were all here, watching, listening, waiting. Every single one of them would grant me with truth and honesty if I asked them of it. It was my turn to do the same.
For all of them and for Ayda.
Rolling my head back to look into Jedd’s eyes, I set my jaw tight and spoke quietly. “Those were mine. I didn’t give them chance to pull their weapons from their cuts.”
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