Now, on her way to Bermuda, looking out of the window from her seat on the plane and back to the event, she had no idea why she had taken it out on him. She had been working at her gallery and had missed her baby’s first steps because she insisted on staying late, even though she had more than enough capable help at work to be doing everything she had insisted on staying late to do that evening. She felt bad for her husband but it was too late now. He would soon be off to satisfy whatever desires she’d held back from him and she couldn’t blame him. You don’t cut your husband off for weeks and even months at a time because you want to be selfish. This is what you get – a lonely and inglorious sendoff so he can be a man behind your back. She knew he’d had enough of her and she decided that she’d had enough of herself as well.
He sure seemed to love her all the way through this though. She couldn’t imagine him with another woman. It hurt too badly. But the idea of starting over, of her getting better and him getting his fulfillment, made good sense and she was determined to come back to him on their anniversary a healed and happy woman. The next time he saw her she’d be a good lover, a great wife and a super mother.
Once she landed in Bermuda she’d swim in the ocean, get some sun, lay out by the pool, visit the spa, go for long walks and eat nice dinners. And she would start her day with the sunrise and prayers and end it with a good strong cocktail, drinking it as she watched the sun set into the sea. She loved color and she’d be sure to see some, on this, her husband-imposed sabbatical to Bermuda.
Then, the landing at the Bermuda airport had been rough. The winds were coming strong from the side of the runway and the pilot had to make two attempts at the landing. He aborted the first when the wing of the plane began to dip and he pushed down on the thrusters and launched the plane back up into the sky. She’d been terrified and found herself clinging to the arm of the elderly man in the seat next to her as they made their second attempt at landing the great jet.
On the pilot’s second try they smacked the tarmac of the runway with a loud boom sounding throughout the cabin and when everyone began to cheer and clap for the safe landing she felt herself being overcome with emotion. The thought of not seeing her babies or her husband ever again left her emotionally spent, grateful to be alive, and determined to get better. She had loved-ones counting on her to come back to them as the wife and mother that they deserved and she set her mind to making it happen.
First though, she needed a drink. Almost crashing in a plane made her thirsty in the worst of ways and when she got in the taxi for the ride to her hotel she had the driver pull over at a bar and wait while she stepped inside and downed a beer. It tasted good with the cold carbonated hops and malt rolling down the back of her throat and the relief she felt was so immediate that she ordered one to go.
She emptied that one by the time the taxi pulled in front of the hotel, the beautiful Rosewood at Tuckers point, and the valet had opened the cab door for her. The valet put his hand out to help her from the car and she stuck the beer bottle in it and stood from the car by herself.
“Thanks,” she said, a slight buzz-smile on her face, and she made her way through the doors of the resort hotel and over to the check-in desk.
“Hi, my name is Kinsey Brodie and I should have a reservation that was made by my husband earlier in the week.”
The clerk smiled and looked on his computer, “Hi, Ms. Brodie.”
“You can call me Kinsey.”
“Of course, Kinsey, I don’t see a reservation under Brodie. Could it be under another name?”
Kinsey was surprised. Tanner always followed through, it was in his nature to get things right, “Are you sure, perhaps it’s misspelled, could you check again?”
The clerk nodded and began to look at the reservations, “The only thing close I see is for the first name. But that’s under Appleton so that isn’t…”
“That’s it,” Kinsey was shocked. He had put it under her maiden name, to really drive home their separation and let her know anything goes. It hurt in a way, but again, she understood, “It must have been entered incorrectly,” she lied, “That’s my middle name, Appleton. It’s just a mistake.”
The clerk seemed to believe her and she soon found herself and her luggage in her room. And what a room it was. It was a suite with its own terrace and incredible views looking out from three sides that featured lush tropical foliage, lots of blue sky and green and blue seawater extending out to horizon’s end. The bellman opened her doors to the terrace and then called room service for her and ordered her a drink before he left to bring up her luggage in from the hall.
She stepped out onto the terrace and took a seat in a plush lounge chair and sipped on her drink, a mojito, while she waited for the bellman to finish his duties.
The winds were up and the bellman told her that a cold front was leaving the island, heading east, and the rest of the week’s forecast looked to be perfect with abundant sunshine, warm air and cool breezes.
She tipped him and he left her to herself.
She relaxed into her drink and the view. This is nice she thought to herself.
Then she began to cry.
She was so delicate, which wasn’t like her, and though she tried to steel her resolve, the tears kept pouring out and rolling down her cheeks.
She missed her baby boy. His name was Tanner, but they called him Bark. Her lifelong friend and art confidant, Mr. Bark, had died a few weeks before she gave birth and it had been Tanner’s idea to honor him by nicknaming their son after him. She missed her little Bark rolling around on the floor, seeming to be aiming his rolls for the door trying to get outside. He always wanted to be where he wasn’t and keeping up with him was a two handed job – the little wiggle worm.
She missed her little girl, Jessie, as well. She was named after Kinsey’s best friend, Jessica.
Years before, Jessica had found Tanner at the last moment when Kinsey had been, after years of searching for him, ready to give up. Without Jessica there would be no Tanner, no Bark, and no little Jessie in her life.
Dear God, she missed her friend Jessica as well. She had done nothing for their friendship either in the last few months.
Then she thought about Tanner and the tears rolled all the faster. She cried and cried. He’d held her up and told her to do whatever it took to get better, but she couldn’t let go of the darkness that had invaded her soul and now her world was crashing down around her.
This was a beautiful place, the most gorgeous views she’d ever seen, and she knew what Tanner was doing. He was trying to ignite the artist in her and put a flame under her paint brush and get her to expel her sadness, as she did all bad things in her life, by painting it on a canvas. She’d lost all will to paint soon after the twins were born and she’d stopped carrying her camera because she’d quit looking at the world with her heart and her artistic eye.
She missed Tanner so badly. This was her fault. She’d cut him off. He handled the not having sex very well. Tanner had spoken to her doctor and he understood that with her condition she couldn’t help it. When she got angry at the world and took it out on him he had let it simply roll off his back. He let her use him as a verbal punching bag and he withstood it all.
But then she went silent on him and refused to look at him and she made sure he knew just how much she didn’t want him in her life, and then she became mean. She was mean to her husband and he tried to take it but when she hit him she could see the look in his eyes and she knew he had had enough.
She had struck her husband. She thought about it and let the strange illness that was in her heart permeate her body and her mind and she made sure to remember what it felt like so that she’d never forget it for the rest of her days. It was beautiful here on this island paradise, but she had no right to be here; she belonged in a prison.
She downed her drink and went into her room and started a bath. She wiped the tears from her eyes and looked in the mirror. Ahhg! She looked bad – she looked old and beat
en upon, like one more punch and she’d fall face first to the canvas – down for the count.
If she was Tanner the last person she’d want to have sex with was Kinsey Brodie – I’m sorry, you’re not supposed to be married this week – Kinsey Appleton. Old hag.
All she did was have babies. Why did she feel so miserable and against everyone that was for her?
The doctor wanted to medicate her and she tried to take the prescription that she was offered but it left her feeling emptied of her humanity. It made her numb and it made alcohol feel like cocaine must feel to a drug addict. She wanted (in fact, had) to stop the medication and on this, Tanner agreed. She stopped the meds and became the dark beast from hell. One thing Bermuda did was give you something beautiful to compare yourself against and she didn’t like the comparison. She had become a complete Damion-Bitch.
The deep-sided tub had filled with water and she turned off the faucets and added some bath salts. She took off her clothes.
She took a peek to herself in the mirror and finally saw something to feel good about – her body. It had bounced back from the pregnancy and the childbirth with little effort on her part. Breast feeding two children at once was wonderful. She did feel happy and content when she was breastfeeding, and her children were like giant vacuums when it came to needing calories and they literally sucked the baby fat right off her bones. In fact, now that she was thinking about it, the first four months of raising them had been wonderful and she had been on top of the world.
Then came the blackness and with it she had about ruined her marriage.
She stepped into the tub and slid down into the warm water. The steam from the water wafted up and moistened her sinuses. She hadn’t been aware of it but they had dried out on the flight over in the plane.
She placed a bath pillow under her neck for both comfort and to hold her head up out of the water. She felt her muscles relaxing and the alcohol from the two beers and the mojito were making her feel sleepy. She closed her eyes and let everything clear from her mind.
It was quiet but for the wind coming in from the terrace, blowing open the curtains, and rolling salt air throughout the rooms of her hotel suite.
She heard her babies talking to her and it made no sense. They were telling her to get better and she said she would.
Kinsey opened her eyes and realized she had been dreaming for a moment. She ran her hands along her legs in the water and turned her neck just a bit on the pillow. Her eyelids felt heavy and she closed them. She heard a child calling out to another child through the open doors to her terrace. Their voices were far away. She felt everything drifting into a quiet blackness.
There was a snake coiled in the corner of the bathroom and it was watching her. The snake knew she was guilty and wanted her to pay for her sin. But then it was okay – Tanner was coming into her hotel room. She could hear the door open and then he was in the room by the bed.
The snake crawled away.
Kinsey loved Tanner.
She called out to him and he came inside the bathroom. Kinsey felt herself lighting up at the sight of him. He had nothing on, he was naked, and he was gorgeous. His skin was tanned a dark brown, it glowed with a vibrant health, and his hair was being moved by the wind coming through from the terrace. He flexed his muscles like a body builder for her and they both laughed. He put his finger to his lips and indicated for her stay quiet. She did as he said and then she watched him as he stepped into the tub with her.
He slid down softly into the water between her legs and kissed her gently on the lips. He ran his hands along her stomach and kissed under her ear. Then he told her he loved her and he gently pushed back her legs. She knew he was going to explode any moment so deep were his passions for her.
She felt happy that he was here and that he wanted her.
He had to have her now he whispered in her ear and then she knew everything was going to be okay and she gave herself to him and he began to make love to her – he made everything right for them. Somehow she knew he’d make her better – all he had to do was make love to her and they were right again. It was so simple. Why hadn’t she submitted to him and given herself to him before?
He ignited and exploded every nerve in her body with his touch – it was soft, sublime, powerful and masculine and he dominated her femininity and connected to it and made them as one.
As the moments of joy and inevitability were coming to them she squeezed her legs around him, and, as she cried out his name, he disappeared. The throes of her passion were left empty, sad and lonely. She began to cry.
Then the snake came back into the room and looked at her. You don’t deserve him the snake said to her. With tears pouring down her face, she nodded her head. She agreed.
When Kinsey awoke it was almost dark. The bathwater had chilled and she was confused. She wasn’t sure of her surroundings. There were no lights on in the bathroom or in the bedroom beyond. There was only the dim penetration of a twilit sky coming through from the terrace doors and windows of the hotel room.
She was cold and she became quiet in her mind. She let the situation come to her and after she felt more alert and not so sand-headed, she realized that she had been asleep in the tub for at least two hours. She’d had many nightmares over the last few months but this was her worst one yet.
She stepped out of the water, turned on a light and went straight to the shower and stepped inside it and turned the faucets on – water began to spray out from multiple shower heads. She made the water hot and she let it and its resulting steam wake her up at a measured pace. The drinks from earlier were making her feel a bit hung over and her brain was moving in slow motion. She let herself come back into full consciousness in the shower and she warmed her body up from the cold water of the tub and when she felt okay, back to being alive, she stepped from the shower and wrapped herself a big towel and went in to the bedroom and opened her suitcase.
She was hungry and so she pulled out clothes to wear down to dinner. She laid them on the bed and turned to the terrace doors to close them.
She found herself stepping out onto the terrace and she looked out to the dark shadow of ocean. The winds had died down and the night was resplendent.
Bermuda – she thought she might could like it.
She saw a shadow move on the ground on the walkway under her room. She looked down and saw a man looking up to her. He realized she was looking back at him and he turned and stepped into the shadows of the great hotel. He was gone from her view but he left her thinking about men. One man in particular.
She stepped back into the room and closed the door to the terrace behind her. She picked up the hotel phone and called the concierge and asked about dining accommodations.
He had many options for her and on his recommendation she made a reservation in Tucker’s bar, right here in her hotel, for one hour later. A table for one, she said.
As she dressed and made herself ready to go down to the bar she heard a noise at her door and turned in time to see an envelope sliding under the door and into her room. It surprised her and she went and opened the door and looked about the hall. There was no one there.
She picked up the envelope and opened it as she made for the desk in the corner of the room.
It read: I saw you walking through the lobby this afternoon, when, I imagine, you were checking in for a stay. I hope it is for more than just a night and perhaps we can meet for a drink or even dinner one fine evening soon – if you are up to it. I hope I am not being too forward. I saw no man holding your arm as you entered the hotel so I’m hoping you arrived alone and you are looking for some company. I’m being truthful when I say you are the prettiest woman I believe I have ever seen. Yours.
Kinsey knew that with her postpartum depression she had a tendency to go into a tunnel vision where she was so focused on her own thoughts that she noticed nothing happening around her. Between the beers, and the heavy heart she was experiencing as she checked into the hotel, she knew that she’d
never remember who might have seen her arriving.
The letter was a complete surprise and even though she had no desire to meet this new admirer, she was, for a moment, happy to find that she was smiling. Maybe she wasn’t such an old hag after all. The last thing she wanted was attention from a man. Well, that wasn’t true, after Tanner rebuffed her move for sex after she’d cut him off all those weeks, she wanted him and his attention in the worst of ways. But now (and this was something) she found herself feeling pleased to be noticed by a person of the opposite sex.
She took a few minutes longer and used a bit more care in getting herself ready for dinner and when she stepped to the mirror to see how she looked she found that she was smiling – again. Wow, twice with a smile in an hour. She hadn’t done that in many months.
She picked up her hand bag and left the room thinking that Tanner might have known what he was doing when he all but forced her to take this sabbatical. Smiling felt good and she put her mind to healing and relaxing for the next week. For Kinsey the last few months had been all hell and no heaven – and Bermuda, she decided, was an island with healing properties that she’d make sure to take advantage of to the full. It sure looked like heaven at sea.
As she waited for the elevator Kinsey pulled out her phone to text Tanner. They had made a promise not to communicate with one another unless it was an emergency but she just wanted to thank him for pushing her to do this and to promise him that she’d work hard at getting better.
The elevator opened and she stepped in next to a young man. He smiled at her with kind eyes and she reflexively dropped her phone to her side before she sent her completed text and she returned the man’s smile, flashing her perfect white teeth at him. She would not have done that back home in Charleston. In fact, she wouldn’t have even noticed his smile as she would have averted her gaze from him and stayed within her miserable and dark world, not seeing the environment around her or even reacting to it. There was something about being in Bermuda and having time to be alone that made her feel like she was releasing herself from her self-imposed mental prison and stepping out, at last, into sunshine and fresh air.
Lights on the Far Horizon Trilogy Page 17