None of these people like you.
You’re not talking. Your life isn’t exciting. In fact, it sucks, just like you. You’re only here so that they can feel better about themselves. You’re the example. They all think you’re pathetic. Where’s your child, Axel? As a matter of fact, where’s your girlfriend? Will your mother see another grandchild before she dies? Will she die, knowing that you’re a failure? Your work isn’t impressive enough. It will die with you. Speaking of dying, how does jumping off that bridge sound? Die while your mother is still young enough to admire your grave. Die—
“What’s been going on with you, Axel?”
Senses returned to reality. He started to smell his food again, which he hadn’t yet touched. The fork and the knife slid around in his sweaty palms. He tightened his grip around them enough for his hands to tremble. He didn’t dare to meet the eyes of his family.
“What do you mean?” Axel said, trying to clinch his exhausted breath between his teeth. The beat of his heart turned rapid. His torso burned; not being able to keep up with his nervous inhales that applied pressure on his chest.
“I mean: what have you been up to?” Duncan said.
The image of his brother turned into a captured photograph with bad focus. Movement turned absent from the world. Everything became still, quiet like the night.
“AXEL—“
Then everything turned black like the night, too.
“—CALL 911!”
7
Emma Gardner mistook the paramedics for something other than savers of life. To her, they looked more like death. Emma thought that these men and women were coming to take her uncle away to the place she had heard so much about, but knew nothing of. Emma held her drawing against her chest, feeling the beat of her heart against the thin texture of the paper. She stood behind her mother, not daring to move. Susanne had her hands on Emma’s shoulders, massaging them nervously; not only to comfort Emma, but to comfort herself. Susanne needed warmth, for Axel looked pale and cold. The color of his skin stood out in the mild colors of the living room, silver amongst stone.
The paramedics had arrived two minutes after the call, made by Duncan. One of them elevated Axel’s head whilst the other checked for a pulse and controlled breathing. “His pulse is steady,” one of them said. The same paramedic proceeded to tap Axel on the cheek. His skin wobbled against the palm of the paramedic. Eyelids flickered the way an old light does when it’s first turned on. Axel opened his eyes—they were dry. He had to blink a few times to moisten them, clearing his vision.
“How are you feeling today, sir? You had a little accident.”
“What happened?” His tone was slow, empty of curiosity.
“You fainted, sir. Are you on any kinds of medication? Do you have irregular blood pressure, perhaps?”
“No, I’m not on any kind of medication.” Saliva dropped from his lip onto his chin. The paramedic wiped it off with a tissue. “I remember having intense thoughts. It made me warm, and then everything went black.”
“Do you have issues with anxiety, sir?”
Axel circled his stare around the room. His neck felt tense. He glanced over his family, who were huddled together, arms around each other. Their eyes were wet, and all of them except Duncan gave the occasional sniffle. In his narrow perspective of depression, Axel couldn’t tell if their stare held curiosity or care. His thinking had returned to the world.
They’re not crying for your sake, Axel; they’re crying for their own sake. They’re not scared of losing you. See, they’re scared of losing themselves. They’re scared of losing their privileged normality because you’re their reminder that they are in fact normal. When they look at you, they know that they’ve done right by society. When they look at you, Axel, there’s no pressure. Or, hey, how about this angle? Maybe their tears are tears of joy.
“I don’t know,” Axel said. “This is the first time that I’ve fainted.”
The paramedic held his lips together in a grip and gave a nod. He stood up. His name badge still swung from the movement when he turned to talk with the rest of the Gardner’s. “I think it’s best if we take him to the hospital.” The Gardner’s gave all their attention to his words. When the radio from the paramedic gave a loud static, all of them jumped. Emma cried. “We’ll check his blood pressure and keep him under our surveillance for the rest of the night. If any of you want to join him, you’re free to come along.”
Without hesitation, Dee said, “I’ll get my coat.”
“Mom,” Axel said. “I don’t want you to faint, too. Why don’t you stay here and rest? I’ll call.”
“There’s a higher chance that I’ll faint if I stay here,” Dee called out. Her voice was already tired from a few steps. “I would worry too much. Sometimes imagination reaches harsher conclusions than reality.”
Susanne took Emma’s hand and walked toward her mother. Duncan woke up from his own imagination, joining them.
“Can you walk?” The paramedic asked Axel.
“Yeah,” Axel replied. He stood up on his own, waving away an aiding hand. He felt ashamed. He didn’t want to accept more help; he deemed it unfair that someone like him, someone who had ruined a special occasion, would be rewarded. He knew that someday he would disappoint his family, and now that day had come. He felt unworthy of assistance. His family deserved it more. What made Axel feel even worse, however, was the fact that he had unintentionally invited his family into his problems. All of them were living happy lives, but now they bit into the rotten part of the apple. Axel wondered how many sleepless nights Emma would receive. He felt disgusted with himself. Maybe his depression had been right, after all. Maybe it would be better if Axel Gardner ceased to exist. As all of them walked out the front door, down the street where an ambulance stood, Axel stared up at the night. He felt a sense of longing. He wished he could be there, among the stars.
He wished he could be there, surrounded by darkness, empty and full of nothing.
He wished.
8
Axel and Susanne sat in the back of the ambulance. The others sat in Duncan’s truck. The paramedic had insisted that Dee rides in another vehicle; the ambulance was bumpy. Duncan decided to drive his mom. Emma sat in the backseat, weeping away the color of her drawing.
“Remember the last time we sat in the back of an ambulance?” Susanne asked with a smile from a face that kept many memories.
“I do. My first real joke was so bad that it blew my eardrums.”
“Stop being silly,” Susanne said with a faint giggle. “Although, it must’ve been pretty bad because I don’t even remember your first real joke.”
Axel chuckled on an inhale. “I do remember, though. We had gotten a trampoline for the first time. We were on that thing day and night. I remember that we tried to catch the stars—“
“You told me that you were going to catch one and give it to me to keep the bad guys away.”
Axel went on. “That’s true, which is why I jumped down onto the trampoline from our apple tree. Do you remember hearing the bone snap? You know, I actually still have an issue with the sound of bones breaking. In high school when we filed down bones in biology class, the sound sent shivers down my spine. Hell, I couldn’t even take shop class after that; even hearing wood snap made me feel nauseous.”
“I actually don’t remember hearing the bone snap. I remember the image, though. I panicked when the bone stuck out of your leg. Do you think it would’ve been better if the color of the trampoline had been white? I mean, we would’ve seen the blood easier then, but we wouldn’t have seen grains of white bone.”
“You guys take the prize for weirdest conversation in the back of an ambulance,” said a stunned recruit who joined them. Both Axel and Susanne burst out laughing. The laugh sounded young—a child’s laugh not yet bothered by maturity.
The laugh settled. Susanne stared at her brother. She never thought that she would see him in such a state. The thought of seeing him in the back of
an ambulance had felt so unreal that it was almost funny. She cared a lot for her brother, and she hoped that he knew.
Susanne wrapped her hand around Axel’s. Both of their hands were cold, but together, they radiated warmth. “Are you okay?” Susanne asked.
“I don’t know,” Axel replied, shameful of his answer. He wanted to tell her the truth, but felt like he had caused enough problems. He also couldn’t lie to her, not now, not like this. “I think I’ll be fine. I need to work on some personal things. It’s been sort of a rough patch, but you know, we all have them.”
“Most of us don’t end up in the back of an ambulance.”
“Susanne, look—“
“No, Axel. You don’t have to explain yourself if you don’t want to. I’m not here to put pressure on you and make you talk about things that make you uncomfortable. All I want to say is that I’m here for you, okay? You can call anytime. You can even come over if you want. We don’t have to talk about anything rough; we can just talk about whatever. I think it would do well for you to spend time with people.
“Emma would really appreciate it, too. She misses you more than you know. Every day I have to remind her that she’s not yet old enough to attend one of your performances. Samuel and I recorded a lot of the episodes from Seed of Comedy. Despite the adult humor, we showed her a few parts. She didn’t laugh, but God did she smile. You should’ve seen her, Axel. She was inches away from the TV. We had to carry her back into the couch with us. Later, we saw her in her room, using her toothbrush as a microphone and performing in front of her stuffed animals.”
Axel tightened his grip around her hand. “Thanks, Susanne. I needed to hear that. I’ll definitely come over sometime. I’ll even join her in her performance in front of her stuffed animals. I’ll have to admit: it sounds kind of fun.”
“That’s because you’re fun, Axel. You always were.”
9
A doctor diagnosed Axel’s faint as an anxiety attack.
“Your fainting was caused by hyperventilation,” the doctor said. “During an anxiety attack, when the breathing turns rapid, too many exhales at once can make one faint.” The others had to wait in the waiting room while this private conversation took place. “If this type of anxiety is a regular thing for you, I should prescribe you some medication.”
But this type of anxiety wasn’t a regular thing, and that was the truth. Axel suffered from anxiety from time to time, but it had never before been unmanageable, unlike his depression.
“I felt extremely worrisome,” Axel explained. “I built up anxiety for a month or so over this family dinner. I was nervous to attend, and I think once I did, everything just boiled over. I don’t think this will ever happen again. That’s my honest opinion, doctor.”
The doctor nodded. “I suggest you work out whatever issues you have with your folks, son. And that’s my personal advice, not my professional opinion. If this type of anxiety returns, schedule an appointment. Additionally, if you start to feel dizzy, make sure to sit down. Most of the time, it prevents you from fainting. And should you faint whilst sitting down, the drop to the ground won’t hurt you.”
Axel took the advice to heart; even going to the extent of writing it down on his phone. Better to be safe than sorry, he thought. Although, with depression, it’s difficult to ever feel safe. In other cases, one takes comfort in not feeling safe, for when you’re isolated from Earth, death feels like home.
Chapter Two
A Comedian’s Worst Nightmare
1
Axel walked out of the hospital that same night. He explained what the cause of the faint had been to his family and all of them relaxed. His mother had suspected something more serious along the lines of a blood clot or heart failure. He rode in the back of Susanne’s car with Emma. The passenger seat was empty. Axel felt bad for fainting in front of Emma. She’s too young to witness something like that, at the age of six—the dangers of the world. She’s probably old enough to learn about such things, at least the outline of them, but to actually witness an adult faint? He wanted to make it up to her. On their way back to Dee’s house, he made Susanne pull over at a local gas station—the only thing still open. The store contained mostly food and utilities, however, there existed a children’s section. Axel bought her a package of expensive, tall crayons. Emma clapped her hands with a smile that shrunk her eyes. Her palms took on a color of red. On the rest of the ride, Axel helped her to replace the color on her painting, which was smeared with her tears. He was hesitant to help with the drawing at first, but she insisted that she wanted Uncle Axel to draw.
Both of them were unaware that Susanne stared at them through the rearview mirror. Axel and Emma were shoulder-to-shoulder, staring down at the drawing. If Susanne had rolled down all the windows of the car, letting in the cold wind, her heart and joy would still keep her warm.
On the drawing, Axel added a few black birds on a layer of blue. He also drew an angel. Emma didn’t have to ask Axel to explain the lady with wings in the sky; she knew, and her cheeks puffed with her smile. When they finished the drawing, Emma showed her mother, who said that it was wonderful. In the few moments of silence, Emma inspected her new crayons, trying to understand most of the information.
Emma hoisted the box of crayons down on her lap out of boredom. “Uncle Axel, can you be funny?”
“Well,” Axel sighed. “I can’t be funny, but the crabs can!”
Axel bent the top of his fingers, drawing them toward the middle of his palm to resemble claws. He walked the crabs along her arm, applying pressure with his nails. Emma giggled at first, but when Axel started working on her forearms, she burst out laughing. Axel started to tickle her, slowing down when her movement started to panic. They were four minutes away from Dee’s house, and Emma breathed laughter for the rest of the way.
Dee and Duncan were already inside of the house. None of them were hungry, and so Duncan helped her store the rest of the food away in containers. When Axel and company arrived, they started to help. Dee sat with Emma on the couch. Emma showed her the drawing she and Axel had drawn. It didn’t take long for the three adults to store away all of the food. While Duncan and Susanne sorted the containers into the refrigerator, Axel wiped off the table, mostly on Emma’s side.
They gathered in the hallway. “Axel, could you do me a favor? His mother asked in a clear tone, not tired. “Can you spend the night with your sister? Weren’t you originally supposed to spend the night at the hospital? If this happens again, I don’t want you to be alone.”
“Mom, I—“
“We’re going to have so much fun, Uncle Axel!” Emma raised her arms above her head in a cheer, and now she ran around the hallway, scissoring between the legs of all the adults. She cried a YIPEE and a YAY before Susanne kneeled down, wrapped Emma in her arms, and stopped her from sprinting.
“Emma,” Susanne said in the voice mother’s use to explain something to their child. “Axel might need to go home to his own bed and rest.”
“But we have a spare bedroom, mom!” Emma’s eyes lost their clear color. They were now blurry with tears. “We have a spare bedroom, Uncle Axel,” she repeated, now staring up at him.
“I guess there’s no arguing in that,” Axel said. Emma didn’t cheer a loud noise this time. Instead, she ran toward him and gave him a big hug. When they were ready to leave, Susanne mouthed a silent “thank you” to Axel.
Axel hugged his mother and brother farewell, not knowing that their current smiles would be the ones he remembered the most. He hopped into his own car and followed Susanne’s tail. Emma’s face was in the back window, smiling at him.
The night still wore the color of vibrant black, and it remained until they drove onto Susanne’s street, full of bright streetlamps. Axel carried Emma up the steps. Susanne carried the drawing and box of crayons in her armpit as she fiddled for the house key. The door opened from the inside. Susanne met a kiss.
“Hey, dear,” Samuel said. He smelled of aftershave.
“Hi, daddy,” Emma waved. Her feet wiggled in the air as Axel put her down. She hugged her father, who now looked at Axel.
“Axel,” Samuel said, reaching out his hand. “How’s it going?”
“Ah, you know—“
“We just came from the hospital,” Susanne interrupted. “Axel suffered an anxiety attack and fainted. He’s staying the night.”
Samuel’s eyebrows elevated. “Rough times, man. We’re happy to have you here. Are you feeling okay?”
“I’m fine, Samuel, thanks. How are you doing?”
“Well, I was actually preparing to go to sleep. I’ve listened to my coworkers babbling about marriage all day. Peter, a good friend of mine, who sits behind my desk, caught his wife in bed with another man.”
“You know, I’d actually prefer frequent visits to the hospital over finding a loved one cheating.”
“That makes two of us, Axel.”
Axel replied with a chuckle. Samuel walked him to the TV, which was mounted high on the wall. Susanne’s home resembled a rainforest. There were plants in every corner of every room. All of them had been treated with care and their green provided color to the reflection of light. With the right angle of his head, an aroma of green would overwhelm Axel. Trays of Emma’s toys were piled up against one of the walls. Axel sat in a chair, whilst Samuel and Susanne sat on the couch. Susanne charged her phone. She checked her emails and social media before cuddling up against Samuel. Emma sat on the floor from a safe distance, Axel presumed, for neither Samuel nor Susanne told her to back up. None of them talked much. Emma’s energized bliss had tired, and with that, Axel’s own joy had tired. He felt like some kind of leech, living off other people’s emotions because he had none himself.
Axel fell asleep.
He thanked the news for that.
2
Susanne woke Axel. Samuel had already left for work. Emma stood by her side, sharing a tired look with her Uncle. Before Susanne went to work, she always dropped Emma off at school. They were leaving in thirty minutes. Axel still wasn’t hungry, and he declined breakfast with a hint of shame. Emma gobbled up her breakfast. When she finished, she sat in Axel’s lap whilst Susanne worked on her cereal.
Blue Anesthesia Page 3