5
People came running from the heart of Birch to see what all the fuss was about. Nothing like this had ever happened in this town, and the elders would continue to remind everyone of that fact for the coming months. Some adults ran from work. They ran inside of their houses on the near streets, checking on their families, embracing them with arms, spreading warmth of safety and love.
The children, who were still outside, were forced inside by their parents. But those who could, watched from their upstairs window.
Patrol cars from the local police parked almost on top of each other, all the way down the street, on each side of the curb. Many of the inexperienced officers, as well as those unfortunate enough with experience, stood on the outskirts of the law enforcement’s forming circle. In the center of that circle, of course, were Axel and Susanne, sitting in the back of an ambulance. They were given painkillers. A nurse had to scrape off the dried mush of Susanne’s left eyeball with a spoon before bandaging her eye. A second nurse did her best to stop Axel’s bleeding. When they did all they could without the help of a hospital, one of them talked to an officer in a cowboy hat, and then returned to the ambulance in a jog.
“Alright,” that same officer said. “Men, let’s clear them out!”
Soundwaves of constant conversation rose into the air, perishing before reaching the blue sky. Axel observed that all of these police officers were wearing blue uniforms. He scourged himself for making that observation. People who stood in the streets were cleared. Some of them had to be pushed, for the powerful images in their vision kept them glued to the ground. Susanne saw that even when they were pushed their eyes never left her and Axel. Even if they were pushed in the opposite direction, their head would turn, making the officer’s job more difficult.
When the road cleared, the sidewalks cramped, leaving no space for people who were just walking by. The police stood against the curb, along with their cars, and signaled for the ambulance to drive through. A nurse prepared to close the backdoors when she froze still. Heads were turned, revolvers were aimed, and two hearts were broken.
“CRABBY,” said a distant voice.
Humphrey walked in the middle of the empty road. He trembled, dragging his feet, with one hand reached around his side, covering a gunshot wound. In the other hand, he held a scissor the way a child would before their teachers tell them that they’re going to poke someone’s eye out.
His surgical mask hung on one ear, communicating with the wind as it flapped behind his neck. Most of the police crouched behind their vehicles. They used the car’s flat surface for precise aiming. The officer with the cowboy hat stood in the middle of the road. The last of his dark hairs in his now gray beard would be gone after this day. To Humphrey, his blue uniform and gray beard resembled a blue sky with a cloud. The officer didn’t have his revolver drawn. Instead, he stood a patient man, ready to handle everything with simple conversation.
“Stop where you are!” The officer yelled. Humphrey kept walking, only a couple of feet away from the officer now; enough distance for Axel to spot the details of Humphrey’s damage.
“BLUE,” Humphrey said. “HELP ME, BLUE.”
With arms spread to the side, Humphrey began to tread toward the officer. The last revolvers were pulled. The officer aimed at Humphrey.
“DROP YOUR WEAPON!”
“…what?”
“I SAID DROP YOUR WEAPON! THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING!”
“Blue,” Humphrey muttered. He felt more betrayed than ever. Humphrey pointed at Axel. Many revolvers clicked with his motion.
Humphrey raised the scissor.
Humphrey Windrill slit his throat.
Chapter Ten
Epilogue
1
Above ground, claws of the night pulled away the blue blanket of our sky in slow motion. In some places, seemingly transparent colors of blue remained, like flickers of blue paint on a dark canvas. The wind howled with context. The moon shone a smile, which would continue to brighten with time. Moths chased the golden lights of streetlamps, sticking their underbelly against the artificial heat. Their bodies were flat against the lamp, providing large shadows upon the walkways below.
Axel Gardner walked down a familiar street. He carried a package. In the distance, a dog barked. A metal gate, which someone forgot to close, clapped steady with the wind. Axel passed certain houses with caution, for some of them had automatic lighting installed on their porches, firing up when sensing his movement. It always startled him.
When he arrived at his destination, he reached for the doorbell, hesitated, and then knocked. From inside, he heard small footsteps run with excitement. Larger footsteps followed from behind. The door opened.
“Uncle Axel!” Emma exclaimed. Her voice had reached a tiny bit of depth.
“Hey, you,” Axel said, kneeling down with a slight grunt and folded his arms around her. Susanne stood in the shadows, arms crossed, smiling a little. “Guess what Uncle Axel got you?”
“What?”
He gave her the package. “Why don’t you take this back inside and see for yourself?” As she stared at it with childlike curiosity, gasping, Axel ruffled her hair. Emma ran off with rapid heartbeats escaping her mouth through intense breathing. Axel rose and met Susanne’s eyes.
“How are you?” He asked.
“I’m getting by.”
“Have you heard from him?”
“Not a word.”
Samuel, like many of his coworkers, went through a divorce a few weeks after Susanne returned from the hospital. He noticed a change in her, gave it his best shot, but realized that he didn’t love this new Susanne. He felt ashamed, of course, and Axel heard that Samuel’s new hobby was quiet walks in the woods.
A huge gasp came from the living room. “NO WAY!” Excited footsteps ran back into the hall. “Mom, Uncle Axel got me a brand new drawing kit!”
“That’s great, sweetheart.”
“Can I go draw? Please, mom?”
“Alright,” Susanne agreed. “But just for a little while. We’re leaving soon.”
Emma ran out of their sight. They could hear her mouth perform wet sounds of excitement from the living room.
“She still loves drawing, huh?”
“Some things didn’t change,” Susanne said, turning her back and walking into the kitchen to pour a glass of water.
“Susanne?” Axel said from behind her. “May I come in?”
“Of course,” she replied. “Hey, don’t worry about taking your shoes off. It’s fine.”
2
Their romps occupied chairs around the kitchen table. Susanne sipped on her tall glass of water, keeping her mouth busy. Emma still drew in the living room. Axel laced his fingers together and smiled patient smiles.
“I’ll bet it was because of my eye,” Susanne said, clamping her teeth against the glass. “He left me because of my eye.”
“Don’t be silly, Susanne.”
“Tell that to him. I’ve spent a large enough portion of my life with him to know his facial expressions. When he looked at me, he was confused. I see a reminiscent of that confused expression in public faces, everywhere I go. That’s why I wear sunglasses now. I’m only comfortable around you. I swear, even Emma is starting to show signs of that same facial expression.”
“Susanne, she’s not. I’ve spent a large enough portion of my life with you to know when you’re wrong.”
Susanne chuckled; causing water to spill over the circular edge of her glass. “I’m sorry, Axel. There are just times where I fear for her. You know how high school is. Hell, even middle school. You and I both know that when the other students find out about her one-eyed mom, people will turn it against her. There’s always that one joke applied to each student. I will be that joke. I will be her joke. What if people make fun of her for something that he did to me?”
“Maybe she could start private school?”
“Axel, she will never agree to that. She wants to make friends.
I don’t think I’d want to do that to her. You remember when we were her age, don’t you? Just thinking about switching schools made you want to dig yourself a hole in the ground.”
“We’ll take one day at a time, okay? There’s no need to worry about that kind of stuff right now. She still has years before high school.”
Susanne seemed to gather herself. “I know.”
Axel turned to look at the clock, which hung over a fridge in the kitchen. “I think we should get going. They’re probably waiting.”
3
Susanne was right about one thing: some things didn’t change. Dee Gardner still made the best meatballs in the world.
“Darling, do you mind taking those sunglasses off?” Dee asked. Susanne shifted the food to the side of her mouth, letting it rest while she sat deep in thought. She hesitated at first. She took her sunglasses off.
“Thank you.”
Susanne was pleased to notice that her family’s stare dragged downward toward their plate of food, and not at her.
“So, Duncan,” Axel began. “How’s the garden? Is Satan still shitting on it?”
“Axel, we’re eating!” Dee exclaimed.
Axel and Duncan shared a laugh. “You know it is,” Duncan replied. “If there’s one thing you can never avoid in this world, it’s all the goddamn shit.”
“Amen,” Susanne mumbled.
“But the garden is fine for the most part. I get the occasional snail from time to time, but it’s nothing I can’t handle.” He shoved a mouthful of potatoes in his mouth, talking in between chews. “How’s work?”
“It’s great. A bit stressful, that’s for sure, but I’m still enjoying it.”
“I saw you on TV a few days ago,” Duncan said. “However, I don’t remember laughing. I must’ve confused you with a cooking channel.”
All of them laughed, including Susanne. “I wouldn’t be surprised,” Axel said. “Your sense of humor is dryer than a loaf of bread.”
Duncan stuck out his tongue. Axel’s face grew red with laughter. They returned to their food. Axel scraped off the remains from his plate with the side of a fork.
“I’m depressed,” Susanne said.
All of them froze. Axel peered over his plate. The fork hovered inside of his mouth like a second tongue made out of metal. Dee slung back a glass of wine. Duncan sat still, never blinking. Emma, who had finished her food early and was excused from the table, decreased the volume of a cartoon, curious of why everything grew so quiet.
“I feel lonely around people. I feel lonely around all of you. I feel lonely around myself. I don’t recognize any of my current thoughts and emotions. I don’t know myself anymore. All the sounds have perished from the world. I try to watch TV or a movie, but the only sound I hear above all else is the sound of my thoughts. They overpower everything. How can I laugh, when my self-loathing is louder than any joke?”
Dee built words in her mouth, drawing everyone’s attention. “Sometimes, I don’t recognize myself, either. Over time, it seems that it wasn’t just my teeth that yellowed, but also my mind. Many of my thoughts barely contain context anymore. It’s like many of them are purely based on instinct. There are many times when I lay awake at night, wondering if my self-awareness will turn from yellow to rotten.
“One of my favorite things to do is to look through our old family pictures. When I was younger, I used to remember what I was thinking at the exact moment of the photograph. Now, in my later years, when I look through those photos, some of them appear new. It’s like I’m looking at them for the first time.”
“I feel like I’ve missed out on most of my life,” Duncan said. “I ponder over my mistakes. I can’t get rid of the idea that I could’ve done something differently, something out of the ordinary, and changed other lives, as well as my own. I never took any chances. I always played it safe, and I regret that with all my being. I can’t stop thinking about what my life could’ve been. I mean, how many lives could I save if I actually tried, you know? Sure, I donate to charities and stuff, but what if I actually went out there? What if I talked to people who suffer? What if I learned about their past, and saw them for whom they are as an individual rather than just another poor soul that needs to be saved?”
Duncan sighed. “My garden sucks, by the way. I know that I’ve bragged about it in the past, but that’s only because the lie gave me a little satisfaction. For just a second, I could live a life where I wasn’t just average at everything that I do. For just one second, I was good at something.”
They turned to look at Axel. Their eyes were tense, but their chests breathed with relief.
“One of the main reasons why I’m happier now is because I’m no longer in that place with him. I mean, I felt such relief from being free of him that joy grew naturally. I think that’s how happiness is grown: through relief of bad times. You’re in a bad place now, but anything can happen to the treadmill of time—good things. You may walk at a slow pace long enough, and with patience, you walk through the bad and into the good. Or, maybe, you fall in love, and the treadmill speeds up; now you’re flying through a bad time and into a good one.”
Dee drank more wine.
“But that doesn’t mean that the good times will last. You’re still on a treadmill of time; still moving, never being able to stop for anything—never being able to control anything. On occasion, you’ll walk through the good times and into the bad again. And I think we have to be prepared for that to happen. But, when that happens, always keep in mind that each second, you’re still taking that step forward. And every step counts. It may not feel that way, sure. In that case, you’re looking down at your feet, seeing no progress. Instead, you should keep your head up, and look at the distance displayed, which you’ve already covered. Be proud of every second, every step. And, always remember that things can, and will turn around. It’ll happen as fast and as unexpected as your sadness or depression.”
Axel let them think about this. When their eyes turned from thought to curiosity, he continued. “And, hey, just like in the gyms, the treadmills of time are placed next to each other. We have each other to help along the way. If you look around on your treadmill and see no one, then maybe it’s time to change environments.”
Susanne stood from her chair, walked to her brother, and gave him a hug, which carried the warmth of love. Dee came next, holding both of them. Finally, Duncan joined.
For the first time, a new kind of joy filled the room where all the Gardner’s family dinners took place. It was a deeper joy; the joy of being understood in an imperfect world.
Blue Anesthesia Page 25