Sitting on the pavement outside the hospital, wiping blood from my mouth with the back of my hand, I admire the strength this broken woman shows, she turned on her heel towards me. “Go get cleaned up Knox, pick up the few things you were heading out to get for her. I’m going home to grab a few things for her to slip away with tonight. I will see you shortly. She will be ok there with Cathy.” I’m speechless so I just nod.
“Um, excuse me Miss June,” Jamie says. “I’ll go up and sit with her until you get back. I’ll give Tammy a call and fill her in so she can sit with me. I know she will want to say goodbye to her.”
“Ok, thank you, Jamie. That would be nice. With that sorted, we will meet back here soon. Knox, you get the two hours with her before 5pm and then the hours after that; just let John have that one hour with her. I’ll wait outside too, but it may be best you not be nearby then. He’s hurting right now too.”
“Sure, thing June,” I say. “I don’t want any drama.”
Chapter Twelve
Knox
After what seems like hours of being away, I enter the room with the glass walls, the bed that’s too big; to the smell of apples and rain and the sound of Snow Patrol’s Chasing Cars playing from the stereo I had brought in the other day. She looks stunning lying there. Her hair is freshly done; washed, brushed and fanned out around her like a golden halo. A smile creeps across my lips. I feel guilty, smiling, knowing what’s coming; knowing that in a matter of hours she will be gone, gone forever. I just curl up and lie with her just for a little while so her Mom and dad can have some time with her. Tammy, Jamie, Kash and Nan are here talking freely.
Tammy has been crying, her eyes are blood shot and swollen. Could my guilt get any bigger? It feels as though it will consume me at any minute. I whisper into Angel’s hair, “I swear to you that they will pay for this, for what they have done. Maybe not today, tomorrow, or the next, but they will pay. I’ll shed their blood like the tears your family and friends have shed. It’s a promise, sweet Angel. You will not die in vain. I have to slip out for a while but I’ll be back soon and I will hold you until you slip from me and gain your wings.”
With a small kiss on June’s cheek and a head nudge to Jamie and Kash, we slip out of the room and down the endless corridors to the double doors that leads outside. “So, have you found out any more?” I ask Jamie.
“Brother, I’ve had the boys watching them for days now and you’ll never guess who paid a little visit to Clarke’s place. None other than Mr. Briggs. Dan and the rest of them were there, he stayed for a while too. Something’s not right. It just doesn’t sit right. He comes at you and then he’s there. I’m thinking a shit storm’s coming and you need to be ready for it! I’ll have your back 100% but brother, you got to get your head in the game!”
“Get my head in the fucking game?” I growl at him. “And how the fuck do you think I do that huh, Jamie? In between sitting with June while she cries silently for her daughter who will never smile again; or while I sit there holding the hand of a girl I love beyond belief; knowing I will never get to show her just how much, praying to a God who’s done nothing but fucking let me down! Or between trying so fucking hard to stay awake just long enough to wreak havoc on them fucking pussies that have taken so much away, not just from me either, but from you all! So please Jamie tell me when?”
“I hear you brother and I get it. I’m sorry. I just want you to be ready, that’s all. Don’t let them get a hand up on you this time.”
“He won’t,” says Kash. “Because this time we won’t be leaving his side, we will fight with him, for him, beside him.”
“That’s sweet Kashie but you, brother, cannot fight your way out of a paper bag,” I say to him as I look him up and down, rolling my eyes.
“Ah, well that’s where you’re wrong, Knox. I have been training for a while now and I’m ready. I’ll fight with you all the way!”
“Well, ain’t you boys full of fucking surprises?’ I smile at them. “Let’s take a walk and go over just what we will do, keep the boys on them though and put one on John also. I want to know what he’s up to. I will take them all out when this is over, just let me get through tonight and the next couple of days first.” I say as we walk back up to the hospital doors.
The boys head up to say goodbye before John arrives. Jamie has to take Tammy home, so I sit in the shadows and just wait and watch for John to come and go. He does, he pulls up with today’s lady in his car. He leans over and kisses her and murmurs something into her ear. She throws her head back and laughs. My skin crawls. The car door swings open and he stumbles out. God, is he drunk? He can’t be going in there drunk, can he? I have to stop this. I have a takeaway coffee in my hand. I jog over to him. “John, John, hey,” I say.
He spins round at the sound of his name. The sway of his body sends him off balance. I reach out to him with my free hand. “Jeez man,” I shake my head. “You can’t go in and see her like this. You reek of liquor man, here take this.” I push the coffee to him. “Drink that, let’s take a seat over here while you drink it and see if we can’t sort you out ok?” I say to him, trying to usher him down to the bench nearby.
“You’re a cheeky fucker, aren’t you boy? Get your murdering hands off me. You, you will pay. Mark my words boy, you will pay! I don’t want anything from you but your blood, and that will shed from your body in due time.”
He pulls free from me and swipes the drink from my hands. I take a step back, out of caution more than anything. This guy is a right cock. “Whatever John, do whatever you got to do, friend. I was just trying to save you from the embarrassment that’s all. Sarah-Jane and June don’t need to smell the liquor and cheap perfume that’s radiating off you,” I say, shaking my head in disgust.
“Don’t tell me what my family needs or wants, boy, you have destroyed my family. Thugs like you have taken both my children away from me, and now my wife!” he slurs out.
“You did that all on your own there, John, not me. You can’t blame me for what you have done. And if I was you, I wouldn’t throw threats around or believe the words of little boys either.” I stalk off, then spin around and spit at him, “Oh John? If I was you and them little punks, I would be watching where you step. And something you should know, I always follow through and I never forget!”
I wait patiently until I can go say goodbye to my love, mulling over everything that has happened and marvelling at how much love you can have for one person in such a short time. She was right when she said, ‘we all have that one person who takes your breath away each time they look at you, that one soul that you, we, were designed for.’ I was hers and she, sure as shit, is mine, and I lost her. It feels like I’m a zombie just stumbling around aimlessly, trying to cling to anything. When will this feeling let up? The sound of raised voices snaps my head up and my thoughts back to now. It’s June and John. God, this man is in a fucking state. Can’t he just let up for a minute? He’s going at her screaming and spitting insults. Her shoulders are hung low, head in hands.
He shoves her back, yells something I can’t quite hear. “Oh fuck no, you didn’t just do that!” I stalk over there, hands balled into fists, spin him on his heel and smack the son of a bitch fair in the fucking nose. A loud crack echoes around my fist and blood pours from his nose and water from his eyes.
“You don’t ever treat a lady like that, you son of a Goddamn pussy,” I yell at him. “How fucking dare you! After all, she’s going through, you are going to treat her that way? Well no more. Not while I’m around you fuckin’ won’t!”
“You little wanker! What the fuck did you just do?” He wipes his hand over his mouth and nose. “You, you, you will pay, boy. Mark my words, you will pay. And you won’t be around for much longer to ‘protect’ her as you call it,” he says stabbing his finger in the direction of June. “Look at what you both did to my daughter. You both deserve all that’s coming your way!” he says in between spitting blood from his mouth.
“Knox let�
�s just go. He isn’t worth the trouble. I’m fine. He’s just a drunk, angry man who is losing it all and the little tramp for today just doesn’t really cut it, does she, John? Let’s go. It’s time.”
Walking into her room one last time tears my heart apart. I stand before her a broken man and I can’t save what’s left of her, of my Angel. I know that all that’s coming is a world of hurt and I can’t face the darkness without her. I can’t bear to face this truth. I have nothing left, nothing left to lose. I climb into bed with her, brush her hair back and lay a kiss on her forehead. I look up at June and search her eyes for anything other than pure pain. “All I have is her,” I say. “All that’s good in me is her.” I choke back tears that are tainting my eyes and seeping into my soul. “Please Angel, I can’t bear this. I can’t go on here without you.” I pick up her hand and hold it to my heart, my cheek on her cheek. “This fight will never end, Angel, I’ll fight for you all the way. I’ll not rest. I said I would always have your back, I would never let you fall. I have. I wasn’t strong enough. I let you slip, for the rest of this life that I will have to endure without you, I will feel it, the pain of it all, the pain that I failed you. I have nothing left if you’re not in this world with me. I will fight to join you all the way. I will let the dark swallow me when my job is done.”
Holding the hand of my Angel, I speak, “You will be the light that I seek. All I have is one last chance to do right by you. This is it, to set you free, allow your soul to fly. My heart beats for you, do you feel that? You will take it with you, and when it’s my turn, you can give it back when I get to look into your eyes again and hold the hand that belongs in mine with the warmth of a million fireflies. I’ll pray, Angel, that, when the time comes, you will want me after all that I have taken away from you. I’m so sorry. I will apologize for this until death claims me.”
I feel her under my touch, a little quiver. I know, in that minute, she is ready and it’s time to let her go. She doesn’t want to suffer anymore or for us to suffer more than we already do. I kiss her beautiful lips one last time and close my eyes and breathe her in. As Aerosmith’s I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing starts to sound out around us, I burn it to memory.
“Forever you will stay this beautiful, my angel.”
“Ditto, forever...”
With my eyes still held tightly shut I say “June, go get the doctor. It’s time.”
They both enter with a nurse, I can tell by the sets of footsteps. I won’t open my eyes. I will stay nuzzled into her right to the end. I hear the doctor say that this can go fast or slow, depends on the person. I pray for Angel that it’s fast. They remove the tubes and switch off the machine. June leans in and whispers to her daughter, promise to love her best, forever, and that she will fight for her and look forward to the day they meet again, “kiss your brother for me darling,” she says. God, could this be any harder? I hold on to her tighter.
June’s hand wraps in mine as I cling to Sarah-Jane. I shudder because, in this moment, I feel her fade away. I hear her heart’s last beat, her body’s last breath, that last, laboured fall in her chest, and just like that, she’s gone. She will now take her place up in the night’s sky as a star. I’ll be left with this agony, a hole in my heart, a tainted soul and a feeling of pure hatred that I am now walking through this world alone.
I let go of her and vow to shut this world out and lock it away from me. I vow to never allow love to grace me again. It was you and only you that I can and will ever love. I am now a cold-blooded soul who has no desire to let anything in. I leave her with my love, my happiness, and my heart. With one last kiss, I rise up, look at June, tears streaming down her face. I mouth ‘I’m so fucking sorry.’ She moves to me.
I hold my hand up. “Please don’t.” Then I leave with one last glance over my shoulder to my angel. I wipe the lone tear away and push myself out, away from this place, and her, forever.
Chapter Thirteen
Knox
On the day of her funeral, I walk outside my body. I’m two steps behind myself. I’m just floating through the days, they all seem to blend into one big dark abyss that I welcome freely. A heart doesn’t have to stop beating to be dead and mine? Well, it’s beating, but it’s been dead ever since the moment hers stopped. I know it because of the numbness, the fog of pain I walk through, the hatred that seeps through me and, most of all, seeing all her friends and family so broken. Even my own family walks with hurt for the loss of someone so bright; it stings beyond belief. Everyone takes their seats around the graveside, dressed in nothing but their finest. So many people are here, the school that she blew into just a few months ago, the track team, teachers and the town’s social list, all keeping up appearances. How fucking fitting.
I sit and listen to everyone say the most remarkable things about my Angel. I silently cry, the tears falling down my cheeks behind the black glasses I wear, staining my jeans. June holds her hand tight over mine. She gets up and speaks. John is here, drunk, alone, angry and hurt. Today’s tramp is sat in the Escalade to the back of us.
June and Nan chose a nice spot for her under a big umbrella tree. It has a bench seat nearby. She will be next to a small group of others in this quiet part of the cemetery, or so they have told me. I don’t really care, to be honest. All I know is she is not here with me.
Kash reads a nice Italian reading that Nan chose. When it’s my turn I shakily get up to go over to my Angel. She lies in her purple coffin with black lace, holding a bunch of purple roses in her hand, looking so peaceful. Truly beautiful. I touch her cheek. It’s so cold, even though it is such a nice spring day. The wind blows over my face, picking up the scent of her; apples and rain. I quiver, but push through. I can’t break now. I have to do this. I clear my throat and tell them all of our short, but remarkable love story; how much love she had, how happy she was and made me. I tell them how she hit the ground running, learning all about my culture and taking in all my Nan would teach her. For the first time in days, I smile at the thought of it, but squash it just as fast. There is no way I will smile or be happy again.
I finish up with a small sorry to them all. “I failed her and you all, for that I am so sorry.” I bend down to kiss her lips one last time, speaking to her soft, cold body for all to hear,
“I will always love you
Over the moon
Under the sun,
And in and out of the stars.”
I take my leave and walk away. I don’t look back. I go to the hill above where she will rest for eternity and watch, just watch, the rest of it. I watch them place flowers on her. I see them all hugging each other and leaving. I don’t leave, not even when the guys come in and place the cold, dark soil over her. I shut it out, lay back and close my eyes.
It’s going on dusk, my phone’s lit up like a Christmas tree. I flick through all the texts and missed calls. Jeez, what do they want? Can I not be gone without them all freaking out? I pick up my jacket, throw it over my shoulder and head off to June’s place. That’s where they all are. I better get there before Nan sends the damn army out looking for me.
They all stop and look at me as I’m walking into this huge house that now seems so small and empty. I shrug them off and look at the huge blown up photo of her wrapped in flowers in the corner. I look at them, then back to her. I can hear their hushed voices and what I feel as judgement coming from the rich side of this room. I look around at them all, dressed up, sipping tea out of the finest china. People, so many people I have never seen. There is just a handful of people that we actually knew. Clearing my throat, I need to say what’s on my mind and they all need to hear it. I speak. It’s harsh.
“My bones are stained with sin, scorched from fires, broken by betrayals, cold in loneliness, soaked with blood, but still I’ll fight for her. That’s a promise. This will not go unpunished. A war is coming, mark my words. They can’t hurt me any more than I hurt right now. You all know what I mean for you all have seen it and enabled it over time. They will pay
for their sins and I will be the nightmare they fear. I loved her and now I bleed for her. You all stand here and cry and reminisce for what a perfect soul we’ve lost! Where were you all in the dark to show her there was light? Nowhere. I was though, and I pulled her up. Now it’s me who will be drowning in the weight of the dark and no-one will be there to save me. For you all can’t look past your own noses and see what’s really wrong in this world.” I kiss June and Nan, grab a bottle of cognac, nod to the boys and walk out the door. I will walk alone now, in this nightmare.
A bottle of cognac in hand, head hung low, I walk over to her final resting place, my Angel. Standing here, looking down at the flower covered mound of dirt, I know she is gone. As a night bird starts to sing, my eyes begin to sting me by allowing tears to fall. I can’t stop this flood. It’s like a hurricane of pain falling down on me all at once. It’s a sea of lightning strikes. It was like that when I first looked into her eyes. I saw the lightning in them, it struck me, hitting me hard. Wanting her was like trying to catch the wind. I long for her, need her. Then I lost her and all that was good. I couldn’t help my heart wanting her and now she’s gone. A love so pure, I surely never want to feel that again. It has brought a world of memories of you, even though you are in the cold ground below me and I sit up here alone and hungry for you. I hope that, just in one cognac-filled part of this nightmare, I may find you in an oasis of hope, that you might pull me down into you.
My eyes grow heavy with liquor. The days and long nights are catching me unaware. Sleep is something I don’t want to allow. Her eyes haunt me there. The final look of pain in them before I whacked them blank, it sends shivers down my spine. Sweat beads down my back and brow as I settle back against her tombstone. June really did think of it all. I saw that it read, “Loved beyond bounds by her soulmate. Flying on the wings of the wind chasing the sun and kissing the moon.” How nice. Pity I couldn’t keep her. Just like the wind, she was uncatchable. I wish she could have stayed and forgotten about heaven and walked here with me where the sun makes the darkness bleed.
Broken (Reapers Reign, #1) Page 17