I held George back while the others went into the house, though. "Hey," I told him, "there's a diller down a hole in back. I had him by the tail earlier and we was having ourselves a hell of a tug of war. You want to go and help me haul 'em out? He's a real mean 'un."
George was of course all for it, "Yeah, let's go get 'em. I ain't never pulled one out of it's hole before!"
We didn't get the chance, though. Before we could even disappear around back , Aunt Emma called out. "You boys come in the house. You don't need to be getting into a mess out there before we eat." Mothers always seem to know when you're up to something. And so yet again, that armadillo was blessed by a parental reprieve on its behalf.
Pap had come out of his room to greet everyone and you could tell he’d started the celebrating early. His flush cheeks and sloppy conversation were evidence he’d been drinking. Before long Mama and Sarah came out, too, with applause for Sarah's birthday dress. Miss Thomas told Sarah how beautiful she looked while Aunt Emma complimented Mama on her sewing. Francine and Amber looked at each other and then looked like laughter was threatening to explode from them at any moment. A quick sharp glance from Aunt Emma cured that, though. The ladies went into the kitchen and started bringing things out and before long the birthday dinner was spread out. Pap had to make a makeshift table in the front room since our regular one couldn't accommodate more than four or five people. It was easily accomplished, though, with two saw horses and some spare wood with a blanket draped over it. The food itself wasn’t anything spectacular but better than what we normally ate. There was even a white frosted cake with candles. It was amazing what Mama could do with just a little bit of money. Mama had egg and butter money she made and she also earned a bit making clothes from old feed sacks, which were of strong material and made for good work clothes. She’d somehow managed to scrape enough together from this, despite the fact that Pap would sometimes find and take from her savings, and she managed to buy the material to make the dress, all the things I needed for my gift, and all the things she needed for the dinner and cake. It all came together well, especially since both Aunt Emma and Miss Thomas had also brought dishes. It ended up being a right little feast. Miss Thomas’ raisin pudding didn’t last long at all. Pap heaved himself out nearly half of it as soon as it was put on the table. Miss Thomas gave him a disapproving look, but he just nodded towards her as though she had just said hello. He had noticed the all too obvious book she had brought as well.
“Maybe that’ll be a cook book so Annie can learn herself how to make something’ like this here, huh, Miss Thomas?” He smiled as he shoveled in a mouthful. It was meant to be a compliment in Pap’s way.
Speaking of Mama, she wasn’t herself. We went all through the singing and dinner without her saying much of anything. She kept chewing on her nails and looking around like a nervous squirrel. Mama always chewed on her nails when she was fretting, and her eyes were puffy and red. She was just plain out of sorts. She particularly kept looking in Pap’s direction. He didn’t seem to notice, though. He ate heartily and drank down his whiskey. He was in a good mood as he drank with Uncle Colby talking about the crops this year and who was up to what. He and Uncle Colby had known each other since way back and worked on the same farm, so there was plenty of conversation for them to find.
Uncle Colby didn‘t drink too much, though, citing Aunt Emma‘s watchful eyes, “I reckon she’ll be gettin' on to me if I touch too much of the lightning."
"Yeah, they women folk 'll do that," Pap bemoaned, as though Mama ever nagged him about anything.
During all this time Sarah was just as happy as she could be. Everyone was being especially nice to her. Even Francine and Amber, who normally took every opportunity to exclude Sarah from anything, were being kind despite their near giggling episode earlier. It may have been their natural inclination to laugh at Sarah and her dress, but I think they might have also been a little envious. Any little girl is going to like to play dress-up, after-all, and Sarah’s dress was beautiful and different than anything either of them had seen before with its fairytale touches. I caught them both staring at Sarah’s dress with what I took to be a bit of admiration, though I’m sure they’d never have admitted as much.
Miss Thomas’ book turned out to be Alice's Adventures in Wonder Land. She handed it over as though passing on a family heirloom, "This book was published in 1890, dear," she told Sarah, who was busy admiring the picture on the cover with all its interesting characters, "And it has a letter from Mr. Lewis Carroll, the author, wishing everyone who reads this book a happy Easter, because that's when it was published." She opened up the book and showed Sarah the author's note inside. "This is one of my favorite books, child, but I want you to have it because you remind me of Alice."
"What do you tell Miss Thomas, Sarah?" asked Mama.
Sarah picked up the book and hugged it, "Thank You.” She couldn't read herself, of course, but Mama would certainly read it to her and she would certainly enjoy the whimsical pictures inside.
Miss Thomas told Mama about what a wonderful book it was. She told her about the rabbit hole and how there was a queen, knowing how Sarah liked stories about queens, but it was a mean queen who chopped people’s heads off, but it wasn’t written in such a way that a child would be scared. Rather, it was a perfect story for someone like Sarah. Yada, yada, very imaginative, yada, yada, and something about a grinning cat, but Miss Thomas didn’t have much of an audience. Mama nodded like it was all very interesting but most of it was flying in one ear and out the other. Her nails were suffering a terrible punishment from whatever had Mama so preoccupied.
As for me I was nearly bursting with impatience. I still had my gift to give. "And look what I made for you, Sarah, just look!" I popped in the kitchen and was out again with the paper crown and wand. "Now you can really play princess! You got a crown and everything." I put the crown on her head and gave her the decorated straw with the spinning top. I was never really sure whether it was a royal scepter or magic wand, but I figured it could be whichever Sarah wanted it to be. That is, assuming it made it past the birthday party. When Sarah got a hold of it she started waving it so hard it the star on top nearly fell off.
"Wait! Wait, Sarah!” I yelled, “Don't shake it. Look, it spins when you blow on it, see?" and I blew on the star and around it went just like a miniature windmill covered in gems. "And it has sparkles, too, just like jewels and things on it. You can't see it so good in here but under the sun they really shine."
She bounced out of her chair and ran over to where the front room window was letting in a few rays of afternoon sun. She put it in the light and blew on the star. It lit up with reflections and Sarah’s eyes danced with the light. I felt good seeing her so happy with my gift. She held her new princess wand with reverence. You would have thought that paper was gold and those colored rock salt sparklers real precious gems the way she looked at it. She stammered a little bit, "P-pretty, Sol. Pretty." It's all she said as she admired the sparkling star spinning under the sun’s rays, but it was more than enough. I knew that after Mama had explained what a prince was in Snow White and all about princes and princesses, kings and queens, and Sarah just in awe of it all, that this would make the perfect gift.
Watching Sarah at that moment filled me with happiness for her, and hope, but it also kind of made my heart hurt, too, though, because Sarah knew she didn't look like her two cousins who had come to visit her today. She knew she was different. Some of the other kids in church wouldn't play with her and made fun of her saying that she was so stupid you could see it on her face and about how she couldn't talk quite right. Amber and Francine weren't mean like that, but they were a bit embarrassed that they were related to Sarah, so they pretended like they weren‘t whenever she was around them. It was hard on Sarah being excluded and cut off like that. But today was different. Today she felt like the most beautiful girl in the world. Sarah took a step back to make sure I got a good look at her new dress. "I pretty, t-too, righ
t? Right, Sol?"
I stood there looking at her in her faux princess dress and paper royal jewels and admired who she was. She might have been made different but she had a heart of solid gold. She loved everyone without a thought to it. She was as sweet and giving as a person could be and I always thought it was a bad choice from above that she should be made like she was, so nice but so slow. "Yeah, you look really pretty, Sarah. As pretty as I ever seen."
"You is a pretty little princess, girl," said Pap from the table.
"You sure are," agreed Aunt Emma "Isn't she girls?" she asked her daughters.
"Yes, ma'am," they said automatically.
“I wonder if Pap got anything for his little princess?” asked Pap. He had a drunken smile that almost made him look affable. He put down his glass and disappeared to his room for a moment, re-emerging with something small and lumpy wrapped in plain brown paper in his hands. He sat back down and motioned for Sarah to come over to him. He lifted her up on his lap and handed her the gift. We all watched as she unwrapped it, particularly Mama who seemed to be studying this gift intently.
Sarah, of course, was thrilled to have one more thing to unwrap. She tore away the paper to reveal a remarkably well carved castle done out of cedar root. The bottom of it was still a gnarled piece of root, but it quickly faded into a beautiful castle. Not only did it look just like a miniature castle, but the cedar smelled wonderful as well. We were all impressed with it. Miss Thomas, who didn’t know Pap had a way with whittling, raised her eyebrows in sheer astonishment that Pap could make such a thing.
“I saw it in that picture book your Mama used for your new dress,” said Pap. “What’s a princess without a castle?”
Sarah ran her hand over the tiny towers complete with little windows and a big archway that looked like the closed drawbridge of the small kingdom. It was a tiny thing that Pap could have held in the palm of his hand, but he’d paid attention to its details. Sarah just smiled and petted her new gift. It looked just like the one from her story book and it was obvious this had completed her princess day. Despite my own knowledge of Pap’s skill with a pocketknife, I had to admit this gift took me back a bit. Hours had gone into that castle. I’d never known Pap to put so much effort into a gift.
Miss Thomas leaned in towards Sarah and asked “May I?”
Sarah was a little confused when Miss Thomas held out her hands.
“Miss Thomas wants to see your castle, honey,” said Aunt Emma.
Sarah handed it over and Miss Thomas held it up, turning it around and squinting to see all the details. “Well my word, Abram. Did you carve this yourself?”
“Why?” asked Pap defensively, “Don’t think I can make somethin’ nice for my own girl?”
Miss Thomas handed Sarah back her little castle and said to Pap, “I just didn’t know you were a wood carver, I’m afraid. You did quite a job, Abram, I must confess. I think anybody would have to admire such workmanship.”
Pap should have been happy to have such a compliment from Miss Thomas. It quite likely was the first and only time she’d ever pay him one. But instead of just saying thanks, Pap said, “Maybe I’m not so worthless after all, eh?”
There was a bit of a tense moment after Pap said that. I looked to Mama to say something, but she just stared blankly at Pap. It was Aunt Emma who managed to change the subject. “Nobody ever said you were, Abram. You just surprised us is all. How long did that take you?”
“Oh, not too long.” His thin lips stretched back into his drunken grin again. “Well, it probably would have taken most folks a good while, but it seemed to go pretty fast for me, I reckon.” Pap went on to explain about finding the cedar root from a debris pile near the thicket of trees at work and how he got the idea to go through and look at the pictures from the books Mama read to Sarah to find something to make it into. “Weren’t really all that hard,” he explained with pride. “Just a few square blocks for towers and then some touches here and there.”
We all visited for a little while longer before Uncle Colby and Aunt Emma called it a night. "We best be on our way before poor Joe has to find his way in the dark," Uncle Colby told us.
Mama walked them and Miss Thomas out to the wagon, and Miss Thomas couldn’t help but to admit to Mama her surprise at Pap’s gift. Everyone knew she wasn’t big on Pap, but she and Mama had formed a strong relationship over the years so she tried to overlook Pap’s shortcomings. Aunt Emma and Mama used to be closer, but I think with the three kids and everything Aunt Emma kind of drifted away from Mama. In turn, though, Miss Thomas had taken a shine to Sarah from early on and that caused her and Mama to become very close. They sat together at church—Pap didn't go of course, and Miss Thomas would have both Mama and Pap over for dinner now and then when they had reason to go into town. Normally Miss Thomas had strong feelings about having folks she didn't care too much for over for dinner. She'd lecture them about morals, try to help them find God, and even help them find work if they needed it, but having them under her roof was another matter. She was very particular about who she invited under her roof, but she made an exception for Pap for Mama’s sake. And it was because of this closeness she couldn't help but notice that Mama just hadn't been herself today. "Are you feeling all right, Annie?" she asked. "You’re looking a little peakish, dear."
"Huh?" asked Mama. "Oh, no, Miss Thomas, I'm just fine. Happy as a clam after seeing Sarah have such a perfect birthday. I can't thank you enough for coming and for the book. I'm sure she's just going to love it."
"Well, I know it's difficult sometimes, Annie. But God made your child just as loving and pure as she can be.” Mama didn’t respond but Miss Thomas knew something was eating at her. She was thinking that maybe Sarah's condition was weighing on Mama lately, and in times of need Miss Thomas relied on the scriptures. “'Blessed are the pure of heart, for they will see God'. —Matthew five:eight',” she told Mama. Miss Thomas had an arsenal of her favorite verses memorized and she was quick to whip one out for appropriate occasions, “And she's blessed to have a mother like you, Annie. You're doing very well by her."
Mama paused a bit and looked in Miss Thomas' sturdy eyes with her own frail hazel ones. She had her left pinky between her teeth working on it a bit. She still didn't say anything, though.
"What is it, Annie?"
"Nothing. I'm just wondering if I have done right."
Miss Thomas gave her a little hug, "Well of course you have, child. You've done as well as anybody could ask of you. The Lord has given you burdens, to be sure, but He wouldn't give you more than He thought you could bear, Annie."
She had hoped her words would have a cheering effect on Mama, but instead Mama said something that took the cheery wind right out of Miss Thomas' sails, "And what happens when the devil throws his lot in on top of what the good Lord done give me?" There weren't any tears in her eyes but there was something deep and painful in them that really struck a chord with Miss Thomas. "What do you do then?"
Miss Thomas paused and thought a moment. Uncle Colby and Aunt Emma were waiting for her and this wasn't the chance she'd have to try to get my Mama to open up some more. "Then that person must ask Him to help them bear it, Annie. Isaiah forty-one:ten, ‘Fear thou not; for I am with thee. Be not dismayed; for I am thy God. I will strengthen thee. Yea, I will help thee. Yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.’” That was just the right one, I’m sure Miss Thomas was thinking to herself, “Whatever shadows or storms come, Annie, they pass. Just be strong like you have been and you'll weather them."
Mama kind of nodded in feigned agreement. "I know. Thank you again, Miss Thomas. I'll see you Sunday at church."
"We'll talk some more then if you feel like it, okay?"
"Of course, Miss Thomas. I'll see you later." She gave Miss Thomas a hug as the lady in blue climbed in the wagon and they headed down the road.
I helped Mama clear the dishes and Pap dismantled the makeshift table. Sarah followed Mama and me around modeling her
princess dress and casting spells with, what she had chosen for the moment to be, her magic wand. She wanted Mama to read to her from her new book and was trying to enchant the dishes clean so Mama would hurry up and finish them. Mama seemed to be moving at a snail's pace, though. Her expression was distant and she moved as though somebody else was directing her around on hidden strings.
Eventually, the house was put straight again and Sarah and I climbed in our beds while Mama read us a bit from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. Mama was on Chapter two, The Pool of Tears, and she read: "Dear, dear! How queer everything is today! And yesterday things went on just as usual. I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think: was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling differently . . ." but Mama’s words trailed off. It seemed that for some reason she had been struck suddenly dumb. Her hands were trembling as she held the book. I couldn't see her features very well in the lamplight since her head was lowered towards the pages, but she almost looked like she was crying. I was going to say something, but before I had the chance she closed the book and said hastily, "We'll read more tomorrow. It's late and Mama's tired, now." Then she stood up, still keeping her head lowered a bit, and left the room with the lamp.
Had it not been for the all the food I had eaten that afternoon, I might have been alert enough to ponder if something was terribly wrong with Mama and follow after her. I might have had the sense to ask her before she left the room if everything was okay. I might have done something other than just fall asleep. But as it was, I was exhausted and barely awake when she left our room that night, so such things were only a passing thought that quickly faded in my tiredness. I rolled over, comfy under my quilt. Sarah, too, seemed tired from the day. She hadn't let Mama take the dress off of her earlier so she went to sleep wearing her princess outfit. She held her cedar castle close in her hands, its sweet smell permeating the room as she dozed off. Before I knew it, I was asleep, too. I always remembered what a great day she’d had before we went to bed that night. It was one of the few things that gave me comfort. At least she’d had a perfect birthday.
The Ghosts of Varner Creek Page 4