by V. F. Mason
Drake’s office was the typical workspace with a desk, chair, and computer.
The kitchen was all white and had all the cupboards, pans, and other stuff women used. I had no clue about that stuff, never cooked in my life. In foster care homes, I was the one who cleaned; it was much easier. Emily said something to Mark, who was nodding his head while she was putting a plate in front of Drake. He looked grim and exhausted, and I wanted to soothe him but couldn’t.
I had no clue how to give.
The conversation died the minute everyone noticed me, but Emily quickly recovered and gave me a bright smile.
“Hello there, honey. You hungry?” With my nod, she clapped her hands and waved for me to sit, and for some odd reason, I took the chair next to Drake and felt him tense. Our shoulders touched for a moment, and I had to hide my gasp, because everything inside me went into high alert. There wasn't much touching going on after the accident. Even handholding was too much for me, but I guess if this reaction proved anything, it was that my body still reacted to his. Not that we could do anything about it, even if I wanted. I wasn't allowed to have sex for six weeks.
He moved a bit, and part of me was offended, but it wasn't as if I could blame him.
Emily put the plate in front of me with a mouthwatering steak, mashed potatoes on the side, and some vegetables on it. Along with a glass of orange juice. The smell was divine; the woman was an excellent cook. I moaned with pleasure at the first bite, which made Drake stand up abruptly.
“Thank you, Emily. The food was great as usual. Mark, can we go to my office and discuss some of the stuff you wanted regarding the horses?”
“Sure.” He grabbed his hat and followed Drake, who didn't give me a glance or say a word.
How does it feel to be ignored, Jane? He just gave you a taste of your own medicine.
Emily took her mug of steaming coffee and sat down in front of me.
“He’s hurting.”
“Aren't we all,” was my reply, and then I stuffed more potatoes in my mouth to keep it shut. She studied me for a moment, took a sip from her coffee, and looked out the window that opened on to the view of the beautiful trees.
“I remember thinking that life was over for me when Mark and I couldn't have children. I did everything to sabotage our relationship,” she chuckled. “My uterus couldn't carry a baby, no matter how much we tried. It was exhausting looking for results and seeing nothing.” She was silent for a second, took a deep breath, and exhaled. “I felt like it was so unfair what was happening to me, to us. I wanted to run away from it all.”
“Did you?” My voice was curious but sad. Not many women I knew understood this kind of pain.
“I tried,” she replied. “Mark didn't let me. He told me he wanted me, and if it wasn't in the cards for us to have kids, he would be fine with it. I never wanted to adopt. Some people found it strange, but I just didn’t want to do it.” She played with the lip of her cup with her finger and raised her eyes to me with an expression I couldn't quite catch. “I heard some of the stories about you two. At some point, he won’t run after you anymore. Will you?” With those final words, a pat on my hand, and a smile, she put the cup in the sink and left the kitchen, leaving me there dumbstruck.
Was there truth in her words? I knew that at some point he would reach his limit, if he hadn’t already, and then would I be running after him?
Before the accident, I was thinking of how much I loved him.
It was still the truth.
But the coward in me wanted to run.
The minute I allowed myself to be happy, it was taken away from me once again.
I wasn't sure this whole love thing was worth the pain.
Drake
For the tenth time, I tried to focus on the information in front of me. All my thoughts were on a stubborn chocolate-eyed beauty who wouldn't give me the time of a day. No matter how much I tried to make it better, to establish a connection, to grieve with her over our baby, she didn't let me.
As a professional, I understood her worry, her trauma, her desire to be alone, and her feelings. How what happened to her and Sam, and, as a result, to the whole band affected us all.
As her man who lost something precious that day too, I felt fucking livid that she completely shut me out. She wasn't the only one who was hurt, who grieved, and I wanted her to fucking acknowledge that.
Not that it would help me much either.
“Somehow, I don’t feel like your mind is on those papers regarding purchasing another horse,” Mark said, and looked at me with understanding.
I knew what Mark and Emily went through, but honestly? It didn’t help me. Giving up on business, I put my elbows on the table, covered my face with my hands, and took a deep breath.
“She doesn’t let me in.”
“I know, son, trust me.”
“How can I make her?”
He didn't say anything for moment, and I looked at him as he lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply. “You can’t. The only thing you can do is give her time and not give up.”
His words made me laugh, but it lacked any humor. “Since the moment I met her, all I’ve done is give her time and not give up. I fight for her all the time.” I stood up, making the chair hit the wall behind me, and ran my fingers through my hair. “Maybe she needs to fight for me, too.”
And that was the problem.
Some part of me still felt resentful, because I felt like I was the only one in this relationship, wanting it, fighting for it.
I wanted her to fight for us too, but aside from making a scene at the bar with that woman who made a move on me, she never did.
And I was starting to get selfish enough to want it.
Yes, I knew how she felt and how horrible what happened was for us, but I was there to support her. And maybe it was time for her to be there for me too.
Jane
Something changed that day, because Drake was never the same.
During the last three weeks, he didn't come to my room. He didn't ask if I wanted anything, and he didn't offer his company to me. In fact, it almost seemed like he flat out ignored me, and it was killing me.
In the beginning, I loved the space it gave me to think, to breathe, and even a few lyrics were written about all the pain inside me.
I started running in the mornings, making sure to eat, and Mark showed me some tricks with horse riding.
I had more time to read my Kindle and enjoy it; however, those romance novels I usually loved didn't provide the same entrainment they used to. I felt kind of annoyed with all those heroines with their happy endings. I moved to thrillers instead.
Maybe I was just losing my mind; it would’ve explained many things.
Anyway, all those things I mentioned were really cool the first two weeks, but then I was starting to get lonely. It wasn't that I didn't need him in the first two, but I needed the space.
Several times, I tried to start conversations during dinner, but he wasn’t very talkative. At night, he sat in his office, either working or avoiding me.
Today, he wouldn’t have a choice, because we were meeting Ryan and Bella at the local bar. I think it was for some family dinner.
I was in the room, looking critically at my body in the big-ass mirror that stood in the corner. I only had lacy black lingerie on, the color looking good on my tanned skin. My hair fell in loose waves to just above my shoulders. My hair had grown longer, and it no longer resembled the short bob. My eyes had a smoky look to them, which I emphasized by adding eyeliner to make my brown eyes more vivid. I decided to wear comfortable skinny jeans with a tight black strapless top and heels. For some reason, I wanted to look good today; it was important to me.
A quick knock sounded, and before I could say anything, the door opened, and Drake, in all his handsome glory, entered the room.
“Jane, are you—” My heart stopped and my body hummed in anticipation as I saw the primal desire in his eyes and something else. He cleared his throat, “I
didn’t realize you didn’t have clothes on.” I could tell he wanted to turn around, but he stopped suddenly, shook his head, and said, “Fuck it.” With quick strides, he came to my side, grabbed my hair with one hand, and held me tight with the other. His mouth was on mine in an instant, swallowing my gasp.
It wasn't gentle or soft.
It was a full on open-mouthed kiss. He pushed his tongue inside and played with mine, and then sucked it hard, making me moan. I leaned closer to him if it was possible. He then nibbled on my lower lip, bit it, and then licked the sting away with his tongue. We stopped for a second to breathe, our eyes locked, and then his lips were back on mine.
This time it was softer, almost as if we were learning to kiss each other again. His hands held my face as my mine grabbed his shirt to steady myself. My eyes were closed, and I focused on how good he made me feel, but then his lips were gone from mine, and before I could open my eyes, I heard the door shut behind him.
He left without a single word.
I was breathing heavily, and now the mirror reflected a completely different woman. She had heat in her eyes. Her lips were red and swollen from the kissing, and her nipples were peeking out from her bra.
Her skin was flushed.
I didn’t recognize myself, but that’s how I looked when the damn man kissed me.
My panties were soaked from that single kiss.
I ached for him.
But he left.
And I didn't know what that meant. With shaky hands, I donned the rest of my clothes, mentally tried to calm myself, and, grabbing my purse, went downstairs. Emily and Mark were in the kitchen laughing, and it was nice to see a couple who were each other’s one after so many years of being together.
“Bye, guys.”
“Have fun, sweetie,” Emily said as Mark nodded, and with one last wave, I went to the car where Drake stood holding the door open for me. I smiled, but I ducked my head so he wouldn't see it. He might want to ignore me, but still he was the perfect gentleman. I quickly climbed into the truck, and within a minute, he was starting the car and pulling out of the ranch.
The ranch, located in Montana and surrounded by beautiful nature, was hard not to enjoy. It wasn’t our permanent home. At least before the accident, we knew we would spend a lot of time in the penthouse. That was why we needed Emily and Mark. I had my career, and he had his practice, not to mention his other businesses. But I was so happy Drake had this ranch.
He was silent, and neither of us brought up the kiss during the thirty-minute drive to the place. It looked like a good, country-style bar; people came outside laughing, and the loud music could be heard from a distance. The parking lot was full, but Drake found one available spot for us and quickly parked the vehicle there. The weather was amazing. A soft breeze on my cheeks allowed me to calm down a bit.
We made our way to the gate when I decided to break the silence. “Shouldn’t we wait for them?”
Drake shook his head and rested his hand on my back, urging me to come in. “They’re already inside. I spoke with Ryan before we left.” They came by private jet, so they didn't need to stop by and refresh themselves.
The place was crowded, bodies everywhere. Drake put me in front of him, one arm circling my waist while the other helped us move. Soon we saw the table with Ryan, Bella, and—fuck me now—Ariel. They waved to us frantically as we advanced to the table, and then everyone was hugging each other. Well, Bella was hugging me tightly and I hugged her back, enjoying the site of my friend and Ryan after so long. Ariel was sitting in the far corner inside the booth.
“I think we’ll go and get drinks, ” Ryan said, and Drake followed him as they made their way to the bar.
We girls sat awkwardly and silently together.
Ariel and I hadn't spoken since the group chat where I made it clear I wasn't ready to see her (which was a very dick move on my part). She was my best friend, closer than anyone, and I pushed her away. One more fence I had to mend.
Bella stood up and flashed us a smile. “I need to go to the bathroom,” she said and left. It was clear she was giving us a minute.
“So,” I started, and Ariel folded her arms and raised her brow. Her move made me notice her slightly rounded stomach; she must be in her third month by now. Other than the bump, there were no traces of her pregnancy, and she looked good, but dark circles were under her eyes, which meant her insomnia was back.
I experienced a tug in my heart, a painful one, at seeing her like this, and it made me wonder how I would have looked with my baby still inside me. How would it feel to know life was slowly growing inside you, a part of you, and was the result of a loving act between you and another human being?
Without thinking, my hand was on my belly, and I gasped.
Ariel was instantly by my side. “Sorry, honey, I just didn't think.” She hugged me close, and then whispered, “I’m so sorry about your baby.” Her comfort felt good, but I would have this pang of sadness always. I cried so much during those weeks that the tears weren't coming, and I knew I had to move on. I would always be sad when I saw pregnant ladies, but it wasn't fair to let it define me.
I gave her a sad smile, put my hand above hers on the table, and squeezed it. “It’s okay. I’m sorry I was a dick.”
She snorted and shook her head. “And I was bitchy just now.”
With a shaky breath, I touched her bump. “How is the baby?”
She patted herself slightly and my hand along with it. “Good. No movement yet. By the way, since we are best friends again, you’re going to be the godmother.”
I needed a minute to process the information she was giving me. “Say what?”
She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, all of a sudden, my parents became religious and decided we need to do that.”
That made me blink. “Really?”
“Yeah, believe me. I was surprised with all this, too.”
“And you will go with it?”
“They’ve asked me to do this, and they’ve been so supportive over the baby that I don’t see why not.” She shrugged. “I don’t think it’s a bad thing. Do you?” she asked.
“No, none of us have been religious, so I’m just surprised.” Not that we didn't believe in a higher power, we did, but it wasn't as if we were in church every Sunday.
“How are you and Drake?” Ariel was looking over my shoulder. I followed her gaze and noticed Ryan and Drake were still waiting for the drinks, but my man appeared to be in a grim mood. His jaw was tight, and his eyes were angry.
“Not good,” I confessed. She raised her brow. “I totally lost it when the accident happened.”
“It’s understandable.”
“Yeah, that’s true. But I completely shut him out and was mean to him. The last three weeks, he’s completely ignored me.” Again, she had the know-it-all look, and it was impossible not to confess to her. “Okay, we had a mind-blowing kiss, but after that, I’ve been getting the silent treatment. I just feel like he is—”
It was hard to say those words, so Ariel pitched in, “Giving up? Not fighting anymore? Or worse…not wanting to do that?”
“Yeah, all of it.”
“Then fight for him.”
Her words made me think.
Was this the reason for his behavior? Because I didn't fight for him? Because he was putting everything into our relationship?
Shit, that was it, wasn't it?
Exactly, and it made me feel like a dick again.
First, I pushed him away in Vegas, then his courting, and now. Couples were supposed to stand by each other, and what was I doing? I was pushing him away, but it wasn't as if I wanted to let him go.
“Shit.”
Ariel chuckled and sipped from the bottle of water she was holding. “I see realization has sunk in.”
My glare did absolutely nothing to stop her giggles. “I’m a dick.”
“Yeah, I think we covered that.”
Bella made it back to the table and studied us both. “All good
?”
Ariel gave her a thumbs-up, and I just groaned and put my chin on the table, my hands under it.
“What’s wrong?” she asked worriedly.
“I’m a dick.” I didn’t want to repeat these words, but what else could I say about what I did to the man I loved?
“Oh, that. Yeah, you are.”
“Told her,” Ariel added.
“So much for friends’ support.”
“Nothing but the truth, babe. So how are you going to win your guy?” Bella asked curiously.
“And how do you know I need to do that?”
“Because he looks miserable as fuck,” Ariel said, wincing.
“Language.”
“You just said you are a dick. How is this different?” Bella asked curiously.
“I don’t know.”
“Let me know, but for now, fuck, your man looks miserable.” Her words made me laugh, and for the first time, I believed I could be okay with everything. I noticed that Drake’s eyes narrowed when he saw me laughing. Was that hurt in his eyes? He spun around and put his hands on the counter. His back was to me, but it was clear he was tense. Ryan was saying something to him and clapping him on the back.
“I’m a dick.” The girls giggled. “What should I do?”
“What do you want to do?” Ariel asked.
“I want to go back to the happy place we had before the accident happened. I…when I was in the car with Sam, I realized how much I loved him.” They squealed and hugged me from each side. “Yeah, but now…I’m afraid I screwed it all up.”
“Come on, girl. The dude loves you. Nothing you’ll do will screw it up for him,” Bella joked, but I didn't share her confidence.
But the idea was forming in my head and it seemed like a good one.
I didn't, for one more minute, want this man to feel like he wasn't loved.