by Lisa Hall
‘When was the last time you had a full night’s sleep?’ Amy takes my hand in hers, and I curl my fingers, not wanting her to see where I have picked off the skin around my nail beds, a nasty habit from childhood that rears its ugly head whenever I am stressed.
‘I don’t know,’ I admit. I long for the nights when I used to fall into bed, struggle through one or two chapters of whatever book I was reading before falling deep into a dreamless sleep, oblivious to Gareth tossing and turning beside me. ‘Probably the night before … the night before the party.’
‘Here.’ Sliding her hand from mine, Amy leans down and rummages in her bag before handing me a tiny brown bottle. ‘Try this. It’s Rescue Remedy – all herbal, so don’t freak out. It might calm you down a bit … de-stress you.’ I take the bottle, tucking it into my coat pocket, even though I’m not convinced by it – perhaps Valium would go down better.
‘Amy, listen,’ I say, before she can go off on a tangent – she loves anything herbal, any kind of alternative remedy and I don’t want her to try and convince me that I should be seeing one of her therapists. ‘I wanted to ask you … did you actually see Gareth leave the party?’
‘Well …’ she scrunches her nose up slightly, as she thinks, ‘I saw you guys in the kitchen … but you mean actually physically see him leave?’
‘Yes,’ I say, my heart starting to hammer in my chest. Please, Amy, please have seen him go. Tell me he wasn’t there till the end. ‘Actually saw him leave Liz’s house.’
‘No,’ she says, frowning as she catches sight of the look on my face,‘I saw you both in the kitchen, and then that was it. I didn’t see you, or him again. I did look for you both, when Pete and I were leaving but someone said both of you had left already.’
‘Who?’ Maybe they saw Gareth leave and just assumed that I was with him. ‘Do you remember who it was who told you that?’
‘No, sorry.’ She shakes her head; blonde curls brushing her shoulders, and rubs her hands together, trying to warm them up. ‘Why? You don’t think …’ She stops, fingers in front of her mouth as she blows on them.
‘Melody said she saw him in the kitchen – he was angry with me and he had me by the arms.’ I swallow, feeling bile rise up and scorch my throat. ‘The way she said he was holding me, that’s exactly where the bruises were the next morning. He said he left just after midnight, but no one seems to have seen him leave the party.’
‘Oh, Rachel … no.’ Amy’s mouth twists into a grimace, and she reaches for my hand again. ‘You really don’t think Gareth did this to you?’
‘I don’t know,’ I whisper, hot tears stinging my eyes, ‘I don’t know what to think any more. Why would he grab me like that? What did I do to make him so bloody cross, that he would grab me hard enough to leave bruises? He’s never, ever been violent with me before.’ Apart from that one time, a voice whispers at the back of my mind, the night he found out about Ted. ‘And why is he so keen for me to “get over it”? That’s what he said, that he thinks we need to “move on”. Does he think maybe I deserved it?’
‘No. No.’ Amy puts a finger under my chin and forces me to meet her eyes. ‘Whatever happened that night, whoever did this, Gareth had nothing to do with it. He loves you, Rachel, he wouldn’t have …’ She breaks off and looks away.
‘He wouldn’t have what?’
‘He … he wouldn’t have stayed with you after the whole thing with Ted if he didn’t love you. You and Robbie are everything to him. I know he can be a shit, I know he makes you miserable sometimes but come on, you don’t seriously think he could be responsible for hurting you?’
‘No.’ Deep down, I don’t, not really – at least, I don’t want to. We’ve been married for almost twenty years, and Gareth has never shown any signs of being violent before. But I still don’t know why he grabbed me like that, or what I did to make him lose it. ‘I don’t know what to think, if I’m honest. I just … I need to know, Amy.’ The tears spill over, creating dark splotches on my jeans where they fall. ‘I don’t think I can ever sleep again, ever feel safe again until I know who did this.’ Rage simmers low down in my belly. ‘I don’t want to be a victim, you know? I don’t want people to look at me and think, “oh, poor thing,” I want to find out who did this and make sure they get punished for it. I can either live in fear, scared in case he comes back, or I can make sure he doesn’t ever get to hurt me, or anyone else, ever again.’ Emotion makes my breath catch in my throat and I struggle for a moment to draw breath.
‘Look, there was something else I wanted to tell you,’ Amy says. She pauses for a moment as a woman pushing a baby in a pram walks slowly past, casting me a side-on glance as she passes. ‘Have you spoken to Liz lately?’
‘No. Not since I went to her house to ask her what she knew about that night.’
‘Right.’ Amy takes a deep breath. ‘The thing is, she’s had to fire Jason – you know, the guy who does her garden?’
My breath sticks in my throat and I get the same sensation in my belly as when you get in a lift and it descends too quickly. My stomach flips over and I have to fight to hear Amy over the roaring in my ears.
‘Are you OK? Rachel, you look as though you’re about to faint.’
Finally, I manage to suck in enough oxygen to speak, the rushing in my ear canal dying down.
‘I’m fine. Tell me what happened. Why did she fire him?’
‘OK.’ Amy gives me another hard look before she speaks again. ‘Apparently the police showed up at Liz’s looking for him. They had a report that someone had seen him at the party – although I didn’t, not that I remember anyway. And I really can’t see Liz inviting her gardener, can you? You know how snobby she can be about things.’ I shake my head, but say nothing. ‘Anyway, they asked him if he was there, and he said yes.’
Tucking my fingers under my thighs so I resist the urge to start pulling at the skin around my nails, I suck back the little gasp that rises to my lips. Ted said he would call them, but he never let me know whether he did or not – I had the feeling that he wouldn’t say anything. Perhaps he did after all … or maybe Carrie has taken my report seriously.
‘He said he’d left some sort of gardening tool behind in the shed at the bottom of the garden, he needed it for another job early the next morning, that’s why he came back to get it. He’s denying anything else.’ Amy carries on, her breath puffing out in little clouds as she speaks. ‘He says he never saw you.’
‘And the police believe him?’ I feel sick at the memory of Jason watching me leave Liz’s house the other day, then his van parked across the road from my house – the idea of him sitting outside, watching me, making my skin prickle with fear.
‘Well, there’s not a lot else they can do apparently. No one else saw him at the party, not that I know of anyway, and there’s nothing to place him inside the house at any time during the evening.’ Amy sighs. ‘I know this probably hasn’t helped in any way, but I just wanted to let you know. Liz has fired him, obviously. She says she doesn’t trust him now.’
‘He was outside my house. The other day. His van was parked across the street, and then when Ted arrived, he drove off.’
‘Ted?’ Amy frowns but I carry on talking, barely aware that she’s even spoken.
‘I thought it was strange, but even when Ted mentioned seeing him at the party I didn’t think that he … What if he was watching me? What if he realized someone saw him there and he was waiting to see if I realized … what if it was him?’
‘Rachel, listen. This doesn’t necessarily mean anything. There is no evidence of his being inside the house that night, and absolutely nothing at all to say that he had anything to do with what happened … God, look at you, you’re so pale and you’re shaking.’ She looks across to the tea hut where a woman is raising the shutters. ‘Let me get you a cup of tea, I think you need the sugar.’ She reaches down into her bag and pulls out a handful of change, before walking briskly across the damp grass to the little tea hut, her shoes
leaving dark footprints in the dew.
That’s when I see it. Peeping out from the open zip of her bag is a white corner of card, a partial logo visible that seems vaguely familiar. Glancing up, I check to make sure that Amy is otherwise preoccupied – I see her standing at the hatch, gesturing to the woman at something behind the counter – before leaning down and snatching up the card. Dizziness washes over me as I run my eyes over the wording, before that tiny flicker of rage in my belly flares into life.
I am looking at Helen Faulkner’s business card. The blood-sucking journalist who made sure to discredit me so thoroughly in her article, quoting a ‘source close to the victim’. I stare blankly at the white background, trying to process why on earth Amy would have this in her bag.
‘Here you go, I put two sugars in it but hopefully it won’t be too horrific …’ Amy trails off as she sees what I’m holding in my hand. I look up, to see her face pale, her teeth biting down on her lower lip.
‘It was you?’ I get to my feet, wrapping Thor’s lead tightly around my wrist. He lumbers to his feet, not at all happy to be on the move again so soon. I shake my head. ‘Jesus, Amy, how could you?’
‘Me? What …?’ Amy’s eyes flick from my face to the card,‘Oh, Rachel, no, listen …’
‘Listen? To what? Bullshit?’ I yank the zip of my coat up so hard it traps a piece of my sweater in it. ‘I hope she paid you a lot of money, Amy. I really hope it was worth it – telling that bitch what happened so she could twist it and make me look like a liar. You were supposed to be my friend – I was supposed to be able to trust you. Obviously, I can’t.’
Without thinking I knock the hot cup from her hand, tea spilling out across the tarmac path, steam rising, before I march away, towards the park gates. She shouts something after me, but I can’t make out the words through the pounding of my feet on the pavement, the wind carrying her words away from me. My breath hitches in my throat and by the time I am through the gates and around the corner I can barely see, my eyes swimming with tears. I thought Amy was my friend – my best friend – and I’ve poured my heart out to her over everything. I thought I knew her, thought I was safe to tell her my innermost thoughts and darkest secrets, but it’s looking more and more as though you can never really, truly know anyone.
15
Gasping, I pull back in shock as I collide with someone coming the opposite way. I’m blinded with tears and sick with anger and humiliation as I try to come to terms with the idea that Amy has completely sold me out.
‘Shit, sorry.’ A hand steadies me, keeping me upright. ‘Rachel? Are you all right?’
I wipe my eyes, pushing my tangled, windswept fringe back under my damp hat, the mist that sat low on the ground when I left the house this morning finally lifting.
‘Oh, Sean. Sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going.’ Aware that my eyes are puffy and my face is blotchy, I keep my head down, intent on getting past him and heading home, away from the prying eyes of neighbours and villagers, and any other people who might have seen the online article about the party.
‘You look like you’ve been crying. Is everything OK?’ Dressed in jeans and Superdry hoody, he looks younger than Robbie, even though he’s nearly a year older, the two of them only ending up in the same school year by the skin of their teeth. There is a large pimple on his chin and I feel my eyes being drawn to it, the pale pink bump almost exactly in my eye line. A faint aroma of smoke lies on his clothes and I recognize it as not your usual plain, old tobacco smoke.
‘Yes, just …’ I let out a breath that I didn’t realize I was holding, ‘a silly argument, that’s all.’ I smile to try and hide the hurt that Amy’s betrayal has caused. ‘Are you going to meet Robbie?’
‘Yeah, he’s at mine. I’m just nipping out for supplies … crisps and stuff, you know.’ He scuffs his foot into the mulch of damp leaves that have fallen on the pavement from the tree above. I suppress a smile, remembering the days of suffering attacks of the munchies, before I remember Robbie and the smile drops from my lips. I’ll be having a word with him later.
‘Umm … did you hear about the gardener?’ Sean asks, his voice tentative. ‘The police have been to see him about being at the party.’
‘Yes. Well, I heard something, I’m not sure how true it is.’ A thought strikes me. ‘Was it your dad who told the police he saw him there?’
‘My dad?’ Sean looks puzzled. ‘No, not him. I don’t know who told them. Josh told me.’ Josh, Liz and Neil’s son. Of course, he would be the one to tell his friends. My heart sinks – Ted has let me down too. If I hadn’t gone to see Carrie then no one would ever have spoken to Jason about the party and it would have all been forgotten, the fact that he was there.
‘It doesn’t look as though what happened on the night of the party had anything to do with him anyway,’ I say, feeling uncomfortable discussing this with Sean, a boy I’ve known since he was tiny. ‘No one saw him in the house, and he said he just went back to the garden to fetch some tools.’
‘So, you didn’t hear the rest of it, then?’ A look crosses Sean’s features, one that I can’t put a name to, and for a brief second I feel unnerved, a spark of adrenaline shooting through my veins.
‘The rest of it? What do you mean, the rest of it?’ My lip tingles and I run my tongue again over the cold sore festering there, anxiety bubbling up from somewhere deep in my chest.
‘The reason that he had to leave Newcastle. I think this is the real reason why Mrs Greene got rid of him, nothing to do with him sneaking back on to the premises behind her back.’
‘No, I didn’t hear the rest of it.’ Thor whines at my feet, as if he doesn’t want to hear the reason either. Sean looks at me, a little apprehensively as though he doesn’t really want to tell me. I nod at him briskly; for him to just tell me whatever it is he has to say.
‘They’re saying that the reason he had to leave Newcastle was because he was arrested. For rape.’
The world tilts around me and I have to reach out a hand to steady myself. I hear the thundering of my pulse in my ears and for a moment I think, this is it, Rachel, you really are going to faint. You’re going to hit the pavement any second now. Let’s hope you don’t crack your head open. And then it passes, and I feel the sharp pain of a splinter in the palm of my hand where I’ve steadied myself against someone’s garden fence.
‘Rachel? Let me help you. Here, lean on me.’ I feel a heavy weight, and the faint musty smell of marijuana as Sean puts his arm around me, taking Thor’s lead from my hand and turning me in the direction of home. ‘I didn’t mean to shock you like that. I didn’t know if anyone had spoken to you and well, I thought you should know.’
‘Rape?’The word is like sour lemon, making my tongue pucker and saliva shoot into my mouth. I swallow it down, thankful that it is only saliva and not sharp bile. ‘How … how do you know?’
‘Everyone seems to know, you know how people are in West Marsham – they love to have something to talk about.’ Oh yes, that’s a lesson I’ve learned recently. ‘I’m not sure he’ll get much work around here now. He’ll probably move on.’ Sean shrugs, dropping his hand to his side now that I’m steady on my feet again.
‘What happened? I mean, does anyone know the full story?’ My head is swimming with this new information and I feel the familiar thud of a headache pinching at my temples. I should have drunk that sugary tea, not knocked it out of Amy’s hand.
‘Not really – just the basics. Josh overheard the police talking to his mum when they came to speak to Jason. They asked her if she’d had any police checks done before hiring him, and she said no. Didn’t think they needed it for a gardener. You wouldn’t, would you?’ Sean stops, reaching into his pocket to pull out a cigarette. He offers the pack to me and I take one, despite giving up smoking when Robbie was little. He lights my cigarette, and then his own, blowing out a long stream of smoke. ‘Look, don’t worry, Rachel. It doesn’t mean that he had anything to do with the … that night.’
‘I didn’t mean to upset you. If you need anything, or if you’re worried …’ Sean takes one last drag on his cigarette before grinding it out under his shoe, ‘you can always call us. Even if you just want to talk about it, you know, how the police are getting on and stuff. I know Gareth is away at the moment and he wouldn’t want you to feel frightened.’
We’ve reached the gate at the front of my garden and Thor is straining at his lead to get to the front door, home and inside away from the cold, damp weather.
‘Thank you, Sean.’ I’m touched that he’s being so considerate. Ted and Angela have brought him up well, pot habit aside. ‘And thanks for letting me know … about Jason, I mean.’
‘No worries.’ Sean gives me a grin, shrugging, before heading off back in the direction we just came, no doubt to stock up on his snacks.
As I close the front door, I catch a glimpse of a van turning into the street, a white transit van with distinctive red writing on the side. If I were closer, I would be able to read the words that adorn the side panel – ‘Hooper Gardening Services’. Fear beating a tattoo in my chest I slam the front door closed, double checking the lock and putting the chain on, just in case. I check the lock on the back door, and then test each of the windows in turn to make sure they too are secure. Still, I don’t feel safe.
16
OCTOBER – TEN WEEKS BEFORE THE PARTY
Gareth’s text is curt and to the point, as they usually are these days. He wants me to take the keys to the Kingsnorth property over to the house he’s working on, on the other side of West Marsham. No thank you, no X to show any affection – I thought after the dinner party his much-improved good mood was here to stay. It did, for approximately three days, and now he seems to have withdrawn into himself even more, only communicating with me when he wants something. I’ve tried repeatedly to ask him what the problem is, but there are only so many times you can be faced with a closed office door before you give up. Despite the guilt and self-loathing I feel every time I leave Ted’s bed, if I didn’t have him I wouldn’t have any human affection at all – I’d shrivel up and die like one of those Rhesus monkeys we learned about back in A-level Psychology. Resisting the urge to tell Gareth to shove his keys where the sun doesn’t shine, I text back an acknowledgement, making sure I put an X at the end, and grab Thor’s lead. I might as well drive over to the other side of the park, then I can drop the keys off and walk Thor at the same time, before my client arrives this afternoon. It seems that’s all I’m good for these days, running errands.