To him, the night was filled with not only sights and sounds, but also with smells. No one ever believed him when he told them that, but he knew it to be true. The distinct aroma of a dew-saturated fog, accompanied by the faint perfume of honeysuckle, and the rare scent the earth gives off when the ground releases its heat were all as alive and real to Drake as the layers of stars above.
Life had changed since then. The little boy climbing trees was now a self-convicted felon with a second-rate escape plan. Time was a good painkiller.
Drake hobbled toward a nearby maple and went around to the other side to make sure he wouldn’t be seen if Andrew happened to go to his window. He rested his back against the wide trunk and laid his crutches on the ground beside him. With all the darkness enclosing him, he almost felt as if he were in his dream again. But this time his senses were fully alert, and he felt a heaviness in his spirit that no dream could possibly convey.
Drake placed the palms of his hands against the cool dirt and breathed. If he were to die right now, what would the next seconds be like? Wasn’t it already too late for him?
Drake stared at the stars with moist eyes, so confused. I didn’t ask for the dream. I didn’t ask for any of this…I’m not ready.
His lip quivered as he continued to stare up at patches of the night sky through the lacework of leaves and branches rustling above him. Someone had to be up there. Someone who loved him enough to keep holding on. “Jesus,” he started, not sure what he should say or how he should say it. “Jesus, my life is a wreck.”
That wasn’t the right way to talk to God, was it? It was time to get to the point of why he had come out here. “If You’re even listening…You shouldn’t waste Your time with me. The voice…what I heard in the dream…I really am guilty, so You can let go now.”
Drake sat still, not knowing if he was waiting for a response or going to add something else. Was that what he really wanted, for God to let him go? It was what he deserved. Sin had to be paid for. But it still wasn’t what he wanted deep down.
“I don’t really want You to let me go,” he added, feeling the need to talk again. “It’s just that I don’t think there’s a way out of it now. If I could come to You as a better person, I’d feel OK about it. But the fact is, I never wanted You in my life before now.” He bit his lip and ran a hand through his hair. It was a struggle just to get the words out.
“Jesus, I’ve wasted everything I have. I killed my father, I hurt Andrew and Ronnie in ways I never thought possible, and I’m afraid that I’ll hurt You too if You come into my life. I really want Your love and Your forgiveness, but I’d just be using You like I’ve used so many other people in the past for my own gain.”
Like a torrent, tears began streaming down his cheeks. “I don’t want You in my life because I’m so ashamed of it. My heart isn’t pure. It’s ugly. I have nothing to offer You in return.”
Drake broke down and cried, pounding his fist in the dirt softened by last night’s rain. “Say something!” he said loudly. “Anything! Just let me know You’re at least listening and I’m not talking to myself again!” He covered his face with his hands and sobbed. “God, show me You’re here. I want to believe.”
He reached out a hand and held the tree beside him to steady himself. He felt a deep indention where his fingers were, and wiped away the warm tears from his eyes to look. Carved into the bark were three greenish-brown words: Andrew, Ronnie, Drak. Drake’s name was spelled without an e. Ronnie, he thought. Carved to the left of Andrew and Ronnie’s names were tiny crosses.
Beside Drake’s name, however, there was nothing but bark.
Oh, Ronnie. I had no idea. He turned and rested his back against the solid trunk. Instantly, he heard the sound of glass breaking beneath him. Drake pushed himself to the side, noticing for the first time that he had been sitting on a mound of recently removed dirt. He shoveled the dirt away with his hands and found a buried broken jar. Inside was a note. Drake carefully removed the large pieces of glass before pulling the note out. Wonder what it says. He unfolded the paper and recognized Ronnie’s handwriting.
Jesus, plees let my momy and dady be nise to me agin. I want to see them, but I’m still a litle skared.
Jesus, plees also help Drak. I love him alot. He needs to no you love him to, cuz I want him to go to heven with me one day.
Drake pressed the note to his heart and clenched his teeth. If someone was trying to get his attention, it was working. He had asked God to speak, and here was his answer.
Every feeling of worthlessness faded away as Drake fell to his knees despite the pain in his leg and lowered his face to the ground. “Jesus, I want You,” he cried, not caring anymore if the whole world heard him. “Forgive me of my sins. I need You tonight and for the rest of my life. Please, if You can somehow take this life and make something beautiful out of it, then I give it to You.”
The next thing Drake heard was the faint sound of someone calling his name. He lifted his head and saw Andrew running toward him in a wrinkled white tee and plaid pajama pants.
“Drake, Drake!” Andrew called, rushing to his side. “What happened? Did you fall? I heard you saying something out here and I—”
Drake hurriedly lifted himself off the ground and embraced Andrew. This man had given him so much and showed him incredible love at times when he least deserved it. “Thank you, Mr. Andrew,” he said, his tears soaking through the man’s thin shirt. “Thank you for everything.”
Andrew was caught off guard by this unexpected gesture. Slowly, he wrapped his arms around Drake’s shaking back. An indescribable emotion flooded his heart and the two held each other for a long time. God, I don’t know what You did, but I thank You for doing it. Andrew wasn’t concerned about asking questions or trying to get an explanation for the embrace. The only thing that mattered was that something had finally clicked in Drake’s head, and now it was all coming out at once. He was just glad he was there to receive it.
Drake gently pulled away and looked Andrew in the eyes. “I was wrong,” he said, steadying his voice. “I thought I was right, but I was so wrong.”
“Wrong about what, Drake?” Andrew quietly prodded.
“About God. Jesus. I never knew He really cared until now. I had a dream tonight…it was so real. It felt like I was dying, and then there He was, holding my hand, like He was trying to pull me back.”
“Jesus?”
“Yeah, now I finally know what it feels like to really hold His hand.” He inhaled a deep breath of chilled air and said, “I gave Him my life tonight. All of it. I know it may not seem like much, but it’s all I got.”
Andrew embraced Drake again as tears streamed from his eyes. “That’s all God ever asks for, Drake. I’m so happy for you. You don’t know how much I’ve prayed—even pleaded with God—for this day to come.” He let go of Drake and smiled. “And now it’s finally here.”
Drake tried to smile back, but a new fear swept over him, and he looked down. “Uh, there’s something else,” he said, darting his eyes away.
“Something else?”
Drake balled his hands in a fist and tried to keep from shaking again. He wasn’t ready for this. “That first day when you asked me why I came here…” He blinked twice and bit the inside of his cheek. “I lied to you.”
This was unexpected, but Andrew wasn’t surprised. “Go on.”
“I told you I hitchhiked up here. I told you I was gonna hole up in a shelter until I found a job. Those were just lies I made up to cover up the truth.”
“I don’t care why you came here. That was never an issue.”
“But—”
“You don’t have to explain anything to me. If you were out of money or got kicked out of your house, that’s none of my business.”
“I made it your business when I stepped foot in your house. This is something you need to know.” Drake took another long breath before saying, “You know how that phone call you got from the police made me so upset?”
&
nbsp; Andrew nodded his head. “I remember.”
“I was afraid of being caught.”
“Being caught? Why would you—” Andrew stopped and closed his mouth. “Drake,” he said gravely, “what did you do?”
Drake closed his eyes before he spoke, not wanting to have to face the shock on Andrew’s face when he told him the truth. His pulse quickened as he said almost silently, “I killed my dad.”
The color in Andrew’s face blanched. For a long time, he said nothing. Shock wasn’t a realistic enough word to describe how he felt. Staggered was more like it. Every feeling of joy he had felt only moments ago seemed to fade away into a mixture of horror and astonishment. Even Drake’s tears on the back of his shirt were disappearing in the breeze, almost convincing him they had never been there to begin with. He wanted to say something, but every time he tried, he couldn’t seem to get past the first word.
“That’s why I insisted on leaving,” Drake said, shifting his weight uneasily as he watched Andrew sit down on the porch step with his mouth half open. “I never wanted to hurt you or Ronnie, but after killing someone, I could never trust myself again. You deserve to know the truth. I couldn’t keep it inside any longer.”
“Why, Drake?” Andrew said eventually, his voice breaking. “Why did you do it?”
“Because I found out my dad had murdered my mom!” Drake blurted, unable to keep it inside. “Why is that so bad? The law kills murderers all the time, so why am I being tracked down like a rabid animal? It’s not fair I have to live the rest of my life this way!”
“Shhh,” Andrew cautioned, searching the surrounding houses for any lights being turned on.
“I was angry,” Drake whispered, “but I never planned it to go that far. It was an accident. I hit him, I expected him to fall, but not hit his head on the fireplace and stop breathing. The whole thing was a stupid mistake, but how can I explain that to the cops?”
Andrew shook his head, out of answers this time.
“It took me a long time just to convince myself that I never really intended to kill him. I wanted revenge, but it turned my life into a living nightmare. Now I see things at night. I have dreams. I hear us fighting.”
“Oh, Drake,” Andrew said, lowering his head to his hand.
“Now I can’t go back. I can’t change things. I accepted Jesus into my heart, and believe me, it was the real thing, but that doesn’t mean I won’t live with my dad’s murder for the rest of my life.” Drake sighed as he lowered himself onto the porch step beside Andrew. He looked up at the sky. Even the moon had been scared off. “I’m just talking to myself again. Why should you even care what I have to say? Now you know the whole, rotten truth about me.”
“I’m listening, Drake, just as I’ve always been. It’s just…hard to hear all this at once. I never knew—”
“That I am a murderer?” Drake said, his jawbone rigid. “I know. I wanted to tell you so badly, but I couldn’t make myself face you. You’re the only person who’s ever believed in me. I didn’t wanna lose that.”
Andrew crossed his arms tightly against his chest to conserve his body heat. “What are you going to do now?”
Drake lowered his head. That was one question he wasn’t prepared to answer. “I’m scared,” he admitted. He was tired of thinking about the future. It only left him hurting more when it was over.
“I realize that, but if you expect me to still believe in you, you have to give me something to believe in. That involves taking responsibility for your actions. I know that’s a tough word, but it’s something we all face.”
“You don’t hate me?”
“I’m certainly not condoning what you did, but I could never hate you, Drake. What’s done is done. There is no changing the past, so what I’m concerned about now is what you’re going to do about it. Are you going to keep running away from something that will chase you to your grave, or are you going to make it right once and for all?”
“I know what the right answer is,” Drake said miserably. “I just don’t know if I’m ready yet. I’m afraid of getting the death sentence, and even more afraid of dying.”
“It’s up to you. I can’t make you decide.”
“Can I think about it tonight? I’d like to get some sleep before I make my decision.”
Andrew nodded slowly. “As long as you stick to your word and don’t run out on me before morning.”
“I will. I’ll let you know tomorrow.” Drake grabbed his crutches as Andrew helped him off the porch step. “Should I tell Ronnie?” he said, leaving them both in still silence again.
Andrew thought for a moment and finally said, “That too is up to you.”
Chapter
21
HARD CHOICE
The rest of the night, Drake Pearson fought the idea of going back to Missouri and turning himself in, even after he had vowed to himself only days earlier that he would never resort to that—ever. But everything was different now. He had asked Jesus to come into his heart, and that had changed his whole perspective about how he would now live his life.
God, get me out of this, he prayed. I’m so afraid. Even with his blanket and shirt off, his entire body glistened with sweat. I don’t have to go back, do I? I mean, I asked for forgiveness. That’s enough, right? Haven’t I already suffered enough as it is without having to face that too? He stared up at the ceiling fan, water rushing to his eyes as the stiff breeze blew down on him. Jesus, give me the strength to do what’s right. I don’t wanna live the rest of my life feeling this way.
Drake closed his tired eyes and wondered if he should tell Ronnie. The kid was so young; could he even bear news like that? Telling Andrew was one thing, but explaining something like that to Ronnie would be like scaling Mount Everest with one hand. Ronnie’s mind was so pure and innocent, so what would he think when Drake told him he had murdered his own father? That would forever kill his trust in Drake, only leave him confused and hurt.
Drake massaged his forehead and thought, But won’t I be hurting Ronnie just as much by not telling him? Ouch. He didn’t want to look at that side of it. In fact, he didn’t want to think about anything except what was good for him and what would keep him safe. Still the same, selfish old self, aren’t ya, Drake? C’mon, God. You’re supposed to make this easy, right? Supposed to make everything magically work out to a happy ending.
Drake rolled his head to the side and watched Ronnie’s covers rise and fall as he breathed. No, I shouldn’t expect You to do that. No matter how I look at it, whether I wanted it to happen or not, this is still my fault and I have to pay for it. I just thank You that You’ll be with me when I go through it.
Maybe it was because Drake was up most of the night and he felt about as alive as a rock, but it seemed to him that Andrew came downstairs earlier than usual. Drake sat up and thrust his pillow underneath his back. “What’s up?”
Andrew pushed Drake’s blanket aside and sat down beside him on the couch. “Just thought I’d check to see how you were doing. I heard you moving around a lot last night.”
“You were up too, huh?” Drake said, wiping a sticky film away from his eyes.
“Spent most of the night thinking about you.”
Drake glanced up at him, then quickly darted his eyes away. “Yeah, me too.”
“Have you made up your mind?”
Drake interlaced his fingers and nodded slowly. “I can’t run from it anymore.” He breathed deeply and said, “Just promise me one thing first.”
“If I can.”
“Promise me you’ll come visit me. I don’t know all the procedures and stuff they have to go through or how often they’ll let you visit, but it’ll kill me if I never see you guys again.”
“Of course we will. But you know what that means, don’t you?”
Drake looked down. “It’s better if Ronnie knows.”
“When do you want me to take you back to Missouri?”
“As soon as possible, if that’s OK. I know it seems too earl
y, but you don’t understand. I can’t live like this one more day knowing what I’ve done.”
Andrew rose from the couch and walked into the kitchen. “Then I’ll make you a big breakfast before we go. I know you’ll…Drake, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to sound that way.”
“It’s OK. If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather not eat. I don’t have an appetite right now.”
“Where you goin’?” Ronnie said as Drake emerged from the bathroom with a new set of clothes on.
Drake spun around. “When’d you get up?”
Ronnie shrugged. “Just now.”
“Oh, well…go eat breakfast or something.”
“Already did. Want to hear my dream about the Amazon?”
“Some other time.”
“There weren’t any tigers, but I did see a giraffe. Weird. I don’t think they’re supposed to live there either.”
“I said some other time.”
Ronnie walked closer to Drake to see his face more clearly. “Hey, what’s wrong? You look sad.”
Drake hobbled into the living room and glanced up at the stairs. He heard water running. Fine time to take a shower, he thought. I don’t wanna tell him by myself.
“So where are you goin’?”
Drake wanted to tell Ronnie to leave him alone and go watch Animal Planet, but he had already rehearsed a thousand times in his head how he would tell Ronnie the news. “Ronnie, sit down,” he said hesitantly.
Ronnie sat, eyebrows wrinkled.
Drake forced a smile despite the fact that he was squeezing the life out of his crutches. “Last night I found the note you put under the tree.”
“You did?”
“Yeah, and I read it. Ronnie, your words made me realize what I’ve been ignoring—you, Andrew, and especially Jesus.”
“Jesus?” Ronnie said, excitement in his eyes.
Drake nodded. “I asked Him into my heart last night.” He tapped his chest with his finger and said, “He’s in here now, just like you said He’d be.”
Broken Identity Page 25