by Chelsea Roy
“It’s okay, Jack.” She told him. She would be less than thrilled if her business made the gossip rags, but this facet of Jack’s life was one she’d long ago accepted.
“They’re damn invasive Ellie,” He told her. Ellie knew without Jack saying that he was worried about the trouble the paps would cause. She smiled at his concern for her.
“It’s something I’ve always been aware of. I know what becoming involved with you means. I’m willing to give up some of my privacy to be with you.” Jack seemed to exhale with relief at Ellie’s proclamation. She wondered if maybe he was worried his lifestyle would be too much for her to handle. For some women it probably would be, but not for her. She was in this with Jack for the long haul.
“Okay. Alright then. I’ve already confiscated your beach blanket and umbrella from the garage. You’re so fucking organized, El, it’s a little bizarre.” Ellie felt her defenses go up. She knew she was a little anally retentive about her stuff sometimes, but who didn’t have their own quirks? Okay, maybe she went a little overboard with her label maker but there was nothing wrong with that! It had allowed him to find what he needed without her help at all.
“Jack, I live alone. If I can’t keep my shit together, there’s something wrong with me!” She said, defending her organizational habits. Jack laughed openly at her while he carefully led her outside. He held her arm while they walked out to the car and helped get her settled in the passenger seat. Before he could close the door, Ellie grabbed his arm. Her fingers wrapped around the tattoos there, and before she could stop herself, she traced one of them with her finger. He raised an eyebrow at her.
“I’m not going to break. Please don’t feel like you have to treat me like I will.” Ellie didn’t know what she would do if she got used to Jack’s tender treatment and he yanked it away. She was very afraid to believe he planned on sticking around and if he did, she had no idea what kind of man he was when he wasn’t being a caretaker. He had a hugely successful career as a rocker and she wasn’t sure how all this would play out in the long run.
“I’m treating you this way because a year ago I realized how much you mean to me. I was an ass before that and I know I don’t deserve you in any way, but I’m hoping you’ll let me take care of you in the only way I know how. Let me do these things for you. Please.” His voice was low and he had dropped his gaze as if he was embarrassed to admit these things to her.
Ellie knew Jack’s parents hadn’t shown him a single ounce of love and he, therefore, had no idea how to properly love someone. His life experiences had pushed him to great heights professionally, but she knew he was lacking in the relationship department. He had a difficult time expressing himself and Ellie was glad he was making the effort for her. Ellie abruptly remembered the first big fight she’d gotten into with Jack. Given their non-relationship arrangement, their first real fight took longer to occur than she ever thought it would. It had taken a ghost from the past to rouse Ellie’s anger toward Jack where his careless actions never had.
“You’ll never believe who fuckin’ called me.” Jack said from the small kitchenette in the hotel room. He was making them both a simple chicken salad for dinner and Ellie was sprawled out on the hotel bed naked and had just been seriously sexed up.
“Who?” Ellie asked, only somewhat curiously. She was content with the simple domesticity their night together was providing and she felt completely relaxed. Besides, it wasn’t like odd calls were an uncommon occurrence for Jack. Being a rising rock star meant he had to dodge some seriously weird people.
“Macy. Apparently things didn’t go so well with that guy she dumped me for.” Ellie jackknifed into a sitting position, her moment of relaxation over. Her heart beat with dread. Macy was the one person who had gotten Jack to commit, to pop the question. Ellie had never talked to Jack about any of his residual feelings over Macy because she was scared of what he might tell her. It had been over three years since Macy had walked out and Ellie hadn’t lost the fear of Macy reappearing and taking Jack away.
“What did she say?” Ellie asked cautiously.
“She wants to get together tomorrow night for old times’ sake.” Jack’s smooth voice gave no indication of what the rest of the conversation entailed so of course Ellie was left with the chore of dragging it out of him.
“You told her no, right?” Jack didn’t say anything, just continued cutting the vegetables for the salad. “Jack? You told her no, right?” Ellie hated the pleading in her voice but couldn’t stop it from creeping through. Her insecurities rushed through her, making her tremble as she sat there.
“I think I’m gonna do it.” He said finally.
“What? No!” Ellie said, scrambling out of the bed. She looked around wildly for her clothes, needing to be dressed while she argued with him about the fact that he was meeting up with his ex. An ex who had dumped him like yesterday’s garbage.
“What the fuck, Ellie? What’s it to you if I meet up with her?” Jack asked, sounding pissed.
“She screwed us both over, Jack. Why the hell would you want to see her?” Ellie’s voice was shrill as she yanked on her jeans and tee. She knew she sounded possessive of him, but dammit, Macy had given up all rights to Jack when she walked out.
“Maybe I’m after a little revenge. You ever think about that?” Jack’s voice had risen too.
“I just don’t want you to see her! Don’t go.” Ellie’s words were phrased in the form of a demand and she watched as Jack stiffened.
“You’ve got no place to tell me what to do or not do. I’m going.” Jack’s words were like a whip over Ellie’s skin, breaking it open and wounding her to the core.
“The hell I don’t. We’ve been sleeping together for a long time and friends for even longer. As that person, I do have the right!” Ellie was incredulous Jack would even consider meeting with Macy, no matter what the reason behind it was.
“If you think you’ve got the right, you’ve gone somewhere in your head where I can’t help you. That’s not what this,” he waved between them, “is!” Jack finished on a shout.
“Then if that’s not what this is, then what is it Jack?” Ellie’s voice had lost all its power. She was almost down to a whisper and her shoulders were starting to fold in because of the tightness she felt in her chest. She felt very insignificant and Jack’s next words confirmed her lack of place in his life.
“It’s fucking Ellie. We’re fucking. That’s it.” The words were cold and cruel and Ellie had no response to them. She nodded, her blonde hair falling forward to obscure her face. She didn’t mind because it was a good shield to hide behind so Jack couldn’t see how much his words wounded her.
“If that’s all it is, I don’t want it anymore. I’m out.” Ellie scooped up her shoes from the floor and grabbed her purse from the chair. She didn’t look at Jack as she crossed the room and quietly shut the door behind her. Jack had never seen the tears that had tracked down her cheeks or heard the sobs that had come when he didn’t come after her.
Shaking herself free of the bad memory, Ellie brought herself back to the present. Whatever had happened between her and Jack had led to him sitting here with her now. She grabbed his long fingers in hers and kissed the back of his hand. She would stop fighting him and let him care for her.
“Okay.” She said simply. He exhaled in relief, his breath warm on her hair. Letting go of his hand, she watched as he shut her door and jogged around the front of the car. She was having a hard time comprehending this was the same man she had loved for nearly half her life. He wanted to spoil her and she was going to let him.
When Jack had confessed his desire to care for her, he watched as Ellie went somewhere in her head. Wherever it had been hadn’t been good, he could tell that much. Still, he wanted to know even though he had a feeling he wouldn’t like the answer. Hearing things that were painful was his own fault because he’d put her through an insane amount of shit. He needed to work at repairing the damage he’d caused over the years.
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“What’re you thinking about?” He asked her as he aimed the car toward the freeway. Out of the corner of his eye he saw her head turn toward him. He pictured those stunning grey green eyes of hers and kept his own firmly ahead of him on the road.
“What happened when you met up with Macy all those years ago?” She asked him finally. Jack was floored by the question. After Macy had called him out of the blue, he and Ellie had fought bitterly. She’d left him that night and they hadn’t spoken for nearly four months. They’d been apart until Jack had reappeared on her doorstep, drunk and horny with a half-assed apology. Ellie had never asked him what happened between him and Macy and like an idiot, he assumed the issue was over and done with.
“I met up with her. Told her in person that I thought she was a fucking bitch for dicking you over.” Jack gave a rough laugh. “Boy was she surprised. She seemed to think we were going to pick up where we left off and hit the sheets. Hell fucking no. I sent her packing.” He glanced at Ellie long enough to see the relief on her face before looking back at the road. He couldn’t believe Ellie had thought he slept with Macy after everything the bitch had done to them. Ellie picked up Jack’s free hand, fitting her much smaller one into place. Her thumb stroked across the top of his hand, a soothing motion that he didn’t mind a single bit.
“I always wondered.” Ellie admitted softly. “I assumed that you’d slept with her again and then did something to embarrass her.” Jack’s heart slammed into his ribs. Even thinking the worst, Ellie had let him back into her life. Her actions spoke really loudly about how much she cared for Jack.
“No. I’m a dick in a lot of ways but I wouldn’t have dishonored you that way. Even though I was beyond pissed at you for leaving me when I told you I was going to meet up with her, I couldn’t do something so low. I knew Macy had hurt you and that pissed me off even more than how much I had been hurt.” Ellie just nodded and fell into silence. She kept her hand in his and Jack was again comforted by the simple act of holding hands.
Jack decided he needed to lighten the mood and deliberately turned the conversation to silly topics, like bizarre things he’d seen during his travels, and kept the mood nice and mellow as they drove toward his favorite beach just north of San Diego. It was nestled in the midst of a housing complex with only a small sliver of street access. If you weren’t a local, you never even knew it was there.
Jack managed to squeeze his Expedition into a spot close to the stairs and grabbed the blanket and umbrella before opening the door for Ellie. At least she hadn’t tried to get out on her own this time and it felt good to help her down out of his car. He and Ellie headed down to stake out the perfect spot. As they chose the perfect place to lay the blanket together, he couldn’t help but notice how companionable they were. Ellie pointed out a spot that was backed up against a rocky outcropping where the homes met the beach. There was a perfect dip between two boulders and it was the same spot Jack had been looking at. Jack spread out the blanket and pitched the umbrella toward the front of the blanket so he and Ellie would be mostly hidden from anyone walking by. With his hair down and his piercings out, he looked vastly different from his stage persona, but the tats covering his arms were still enough to set him apart from normal guys and worse, sometimes gave away his identity even when he was trying to be ignored.
Jack slid down next to Ellie on the blanket and enjoyed the sensation of doing nothing other than lying on the beach with her. He knew with certainty he loved her. But he also knew with equal certainty that he was selfish and self-absorbed. The simple and easy way they seemed to fit together made Jack’s heart thud uncomfortably in his chest. He felt so many things for Ellie he didn’t know where to start. How the hell did he make up for the past? How did the make Ellie comfortable enough with him to trust him? He knew she didn’t trust him when he said he was there to stay because of the way she watched him. It was as if she was afraid he was going to disappear from her sight at any moment. He knew building their relationship up was going to take time but he wasn’t a patient man. He wanted things settled between them now so they could begin moving on. Would offering himself up to her be enough? He honestly didn’t know but he hoped like hell it was.
The sun was warm on their skin but not hot. The air had a slight breeze to it and the sound of the waves crashing against the shoreline was perfectly relaxing. Jack knew he needed to bring up everything the doctor had told him about Ellie’s inability to have more babies but he didn’t know how. He reached out and threaded his fingers through Ellie’s much smaller ones. She gave his hand a slight squeeze and Jack’s heart thumped hard against his chest.
“Have you always wanted kids?” He asked her. He felt her startle next to him. He turned to look at her and found her face turned toward his but was frustrated by the sunglasses hiding her beautiful grey-green eyes from him.
“Yes,” she finally responded softly, “always.” Her words were a blow to Jack’s confidence. What would happen to his Ellie if she couldn’t have any children? Would it change who she was if this was something she’d always wanted? He took a deep breath and forged onward.
“I never thought about it one way or the other, other than to always cover up so I didn’t knock some girl up. You’ve always been the only one who I didn’t wear one with. Nobody else but you, ever.” Jack brought up the fact that he had gone bare with her because she was an anomaly for him and not for any other reason. He didn’t want Ellie to think he was accusing her of anything.
“Why me?” She asked him. He could hear the curiosity in her voice but nothing else. He was relieved she hadn’t taken his comment the wrong way. Jack must’ve made a face because she rushed on. “I’m so glad you didn’t because I loved how you felt inside me without one. But that doesn’t change the fact that we weren’t ever together in a permanent way.” Jack drew his brows together and frowned. He hated how bad their relationship sounded when it was vocalized but he couldn’t change the damn past. He struggled to put into words why she had been different for him.
“In my mind, you and I were together in a permanent way.” He finally told her. “I always planned on coming home to you. The times we were apart, I trusted you not to do something stupid with your body. Even though I always said I didn’t want anything permanent, you were the person I wanted to see at the end of the day. Aside from all that, I just couldn’t stand anything between us. I wanted inside you, not some rubber.”
Jack again recalled with exact clarity the long-ago conversation they had before he stopped using condoms with her, but this time he thought about it in a different light. The shock of finding out he had been her only lover was still blowing his mind. He had been with dozens of women and for El, it had just been him. He felt stupidly happy with Ellie’s complete devotion to him but it made ashamed of everything he had put his own body through. He’d always been safe but having sex with multiple partners came with an inherent risk. Jack had been lucky and now he was sitting here with Ellie on a blanket at the beach.
“I know you treated me different from the other women in your life Jack. I never doubted that for a minute. I just always knew it was temporary, you know? I was never enough to hold your attention for long.” Her voice sounded resigned, like this was something she still felt to be true. Jack’s gut clenched as he realized this was probably at the very heart of their difficulty with moving forward. He reached out and lifted off Ellie’s glasses. Her beautiful eyes were more grey at the moment and seeing them all but bared her soul to him.
“You’ve never been temporary to me. I’ve never been able to let you go, and I never will. You’re so deep inside me and I don’t know how else to tell you where you are in my life. I tried to do the right thing for you by letting you go. But I can’t because I’m a selfish asshole. I want you with me all the time. Not just right now, but every day. I want to know you’re mine.” Ellie’s eyes stared into Jack’s, unblinking, and he saw something in their depths that he’d never before looked for even though he’d suspe
cted it was there. Ellie loved him. He could finally see it shining out at him through her beautiful eyes. Jack knew without a shadow of a doubt she’d loved him for a long time and, like an asshole, he had chosen to ignore it over and over again.
“What about the other women? What happens when you’re bored with me and want to experience something different that I can’t give you?” Ellie’s voice was vulnerable and he hated himself for putting it there.
“I got tired of other women a long time ago. Like I told you, there hasn’t been anyone but you for a long time. I just don’t want anyone else.” He hoped she believed him because he had no plans to be with another woman. The thought of it turned his stomach.
“I’m yours, Jack,” she assured him. She wrapped her arm around his body and pillowed her head on his chest. Jack’s hand swept down her back, rubbing gently, and his heart raced in his chest. Hearing Ellie declare she was his felt like taking a hit of the most potent drug on the market. He realized he felt absolutely primal when it came to Ellie. She called to his most basic instincts and he wanted the world to know she was his. If he could, he would strip her down, spread her legs, and impregnate her all over again. He stiffened in his pants as he thought about acting out his fantasies. He knew doing any of it was an impossibility for a number of different reasons but it didn’t stop him from wanting her.
“What if I couldn’t give you more babies Ellie?” He asked her gruffly. Jack felt her arm squeeze around his chest and she rubbed her face against his skin.
“It wouldn’t change how I felt about you,” she replied. “I’d love to have your baby but if I couldn’t, we’d figure something else out. Adoption or something.” Ellie’s voice was calm and soothing but her words did not ease Jack’s worry. Jack knew it was chicken shit to ask how she’d feel if he was the broken one when he knew it was her who would have trouble carrying babies. He just couldn’t force himself to devastate her world any more than it already was and needed to know if not having his biological children was a deal-breaker for her.