by L. U. Ann
“Lacey, this is fucked up. This cannot be happening. That bastard just can’t let you go, can he? Mother fucker!” Becca says shaking her head. “This is something that is supposed to happen when the condom breaks on prom night. It’s not supposed to happen now. That turd is going to pay for this shit.” Oh dear Becca’s on a roll.
We arrive about ten minutes later at the grocery store. Of course, I insist we go to a different store, just in case. Becca looks at me stunned. “What the hell Lacey? We need to get this shit over with sooner rather than later. We don't have time to traipse all over town to different stores. There is no fucking way you are pregnant.”
All I can think is that there is something wrong with that store’s home pregnancy products. I wonder if I should return the other items I purchased earlier - when my life was simpler. There is something clearly wrong with that store. That's all it is. It's the store’s fault.
I jump out of the car as soon as we come to a complete stop and have thrown it into park. “I’ll be really quick Becca, you don’t need to...”
“Like hell I don’t need to come in. I’m going to make sure you get the right fucking product. We both know you aren’t thinking clearly right now. Hell, I don't know if I'm thinking clearly right now.” Becca says exhaustedly. "Damn, I'm prexhausted. All this thinking is too much for my brain."
“Fine, hurry,” I call back to her.
“I can only walk so fast in my heels, love.” I roll my eyes at her reply.
“You know they look fabulous with these jeans. Whoa, little miss wallblocker." She says. "There aren’t any sudden stops allowed in front of me."
“I just wanted to thank you Becca.” I stop and pull her into a hug, “Thank you for trying to lighten the mood. I’m going out of my fucking mind.”
“I know love, let’s go get some rockin’ tests,” she says and we both start laughing. I run down the aisle and grab another test. I turn around to head to the checkout, almost trampling over Becca again.
“Wait, what if there’s something wrong with this one too?” Quickly I turn around and grab three more tests. “Clearly one of these is bound to be accurate.” And it looks like a couple of them are double packs.
After paying and rushing back to my parents’ store, twenty more minutes have passed. Becca rips open all of the packages. “You pee on all of them,” Becca instructs me. "And then wait outside the door and I'll let you know what they say.” I hesitantly walk out as I hold my stare on the six tests on the back of the toilet seat, waiting to tell me what lies ahead. How can a plastic stick cause someone’s life to change so much? Damn technology.
I hold my breath as Becca exits the bathroom and looks at me. She doesn't say anything. She just has this look on her face.
“No, no, no!” I yell at her. “No way can seven tests be wrong! What are the chances? I read one of the boxes. 97% accuracy. Ok, I'm clearly in the three percent margin of error. Right?” Becca knows the gears are turning and I am in serious denial. “Yes, sweet Jesus. They are all wrong!”
“Lacey honey, relax and stop babbling. I don’t think seven tests can be wrong. I believe you just might be pregnant, love. There is no reason to have a quarter life crises over this. We’ll figure it out.” She tries to reassure me that things are going to be okay.
Tears are trickling down my cheek, “No, no, no! Things won’t be fine Becca!" I say as my voice is getting louder. "I'm breaking up with that douche bag." After a moment of getting myself together I ask, "How can this happen? Do I tell him?" No. I definitely can't. Becca doesn’t say anything. I know she is trying to process this as much as I am. I can tell she is worried about saying the wrong thing. Thank God, I have her to help me figure this out.
I bend over, putting my head in my hands. I want to go back to the moment earlier this evening when I urgently wanted the box of donuts. Becca and I were joking around. I was on cloud nine and looking forward to seeing that guy at the club on Thursday. I didn't have this overwhelming weight on my shoulders. I didn't have all of these thoughts running through my head that I wanted to escape from. It was in that moment I felt as though I could breathe as life seemed so simple.
The drive back to my house was a blur. I know Becca was talking and trying to reassure me, but I cannot remember any of it to save my life. I was just trying to breathe. I don't remember putting the groceries away. I don't remember anything other than thinking of how my life was about to change. How I might not live through this. How can I? I'm nineteen years old. Who gets pregnant at this age? What kind of mother can I be when I clearly haven't grown up? I smoke an occasional cigarette for God's sake. What am I doing to this thing inside of me? Oh my God! I have something inside of me! OH. MY. GOD! This thing has to come out... where? I can't do this. No, I'll just go to sleep and when I wake up tomorrow, this nightmare will be over. That's it!
I lay in bed, staring at the bunk bed above me. Bunk beds. I am fucking nineteen years old and have bunk beds. I am pathetic. I am also pregnant. Well at least there is another bed for the baby. What the hell? What am I going to do? I cannot tell my parents. I’m supposed to be a good Catholic girl and look at me. I’m knocked up. My parents are going to be so disappointed in their daughter’s ruined reputation. They are going to separate Caine and his nut sack from one another, and feed it to Cinnamon. This thought puts a smile on my face. Oh dear, I think I’m going to hell for the comfort I find in this image. No, Cinnamon is too good to eat that shit. After all, his mother is the one that told me he couldn't have children due to a football accident he endured as a child, and he confirmed it. He apparently wasn't sterile like he and his mother said! Oh was I naive. Who the hell believes that bullshit? Apparently, someone like me! I’m such a dumbass.
I was on birth control when I met Caine. I tried to remind myself to take it. I could never remember to take the damn pill to save my life. I thought my mom was going to have a coronary when she found out I had taken five days’ worth of the pills at one time. Since I could never remember to take the pill and Caine couldn't have children, why not go off the pill? Safe, right? This poor kid is going to have me as a mom. I can't even make a sound decision to protect myself, much less remember to take something every day. Oh my God! I'm going to forget this child somewhere! People like me shouldn’t be allowed to have kids!
It's not as if I can blame the pharmaceutical company, or the makers of the condom he was wearing the day this little one was conceived. No. I am to blame. The dickhead, whom I still need to break up with, and I are the cause of this. Fuck. I have to deal with his shit on Tuesday.
Chapter Ten
Distress
Tuesday came all too quickly. I have been making myself sick over my decision to tell Caine about the pregnancy. I’m going crazy weighing the pros and cons. Even though I still have mixed feelings, I think he deserves to know. What kind of mother would I be keeping the knowledge of my baby’s existence from its father? Somehow, I’ve managed to work up the confidence to meet with Caine today. The simple act of meeting him should be enough stress for one person to endure. He wants to talk, so we are meeting at the local coffee shop. We originally only needed to talk about our relationship. Now I have to tell him about being pregnant. I chose a public location because he is less likely to cause a scene there. At first, he wanted to pick me up, but the opportunity to leave whenever I need is possibly the only thing that’s going to get me through this.
Pulling into a parking space, I immediately spot his red sports car, which causes a groan to erupt out of me. I am contemplating whether it's too late to turn around and leave when I see him in the window. He waves to me. Fuck! Deep breaths Lacey... deep breaths. I regain my composure and get out of the car. Okay, maybe I didn’t get all of my self-confidence back. I think I'm going to blow chunks. I know this is not from morning sickness. It has everything to do with the cheater sitting on the other side of the glass with a fucking smile on his face. Bastard.
I walk in and find him before me. He must have got
ten up to greet me and I have to remember to breathe. I didn’t expect to have this reaction to him. It should be a sin to be this freaking sexy. Wearing his white Sailor uniform and, as Becca would say, ‘He has the Military Factor’; he is downright sexy as hell!
"I already bought you a latte," he says, as we walk over to the table. Oh no! I'm not supposed to have coffee. I sit as I try to remember if I heard somewhere caffeine can cause birth defects. If I don't accept it, he'll know something is up. One cup can't hurt, right? Or do I just tell him. Dammit! This was a mistake.
"Excuse me Caine, I'll be right back," I stand quickly, accidentally knocking my chair backwards. Shit! I begin to stand my chair up not realizing he is coming around to help. “Sorry, I... I need to use the ladies room. I’m sorry.”
“Lacey, are you okay? Your face has gone pale. What’s wrong, baby?” He tries to make contact with my eyes to read my thoughts. I can’t look at him; I just might lose it right here.
“Yeah, yeah I’m fine. I’ll, um, I’ll be ah, right back.” I look around for my escape and walk away as quickly as I can, desperate for air. Busting through the bathroom door, I almost take out an elderly lady. After profusely apologizing and helping her out the door, my thoughts return to the mess I need to handle. The poor lady was almost laid flat on the disgusting bathroom floor, thanks to my carelessness. Splashing some cold water on my face, I attempt to get my emotions under control. I don’t know what I was thinking; I can’t go out there and face him. He looks so handsome in his uniform and it brings back memories of when we were happy. Why did he have to cheat and throw our relationship away? Why do I love him so much?
After God knows how long I gave myself a pep talk in the mirror, I walked out of the ladies room to face my consequence. I find Caine sitting at the table where I left him and he is starring out the window.
Rounding the table, I notice he has a confused look on his face; he looks like he wants to ask me something, but decides not to. "Sorry," I say sadly.
"No problem, Lacey," His face relaxes a little, but he’s clearly nervous. "Are you okay? Can I get you something?”
“No, no. I’m fine.” I wave my hands in the air, hoping to dismiss his concern.
“I want to start by apologizing to you for what I did, baby; what I’ve done to you, to us and to our future. I am so sorry for putting you through this,” he begins to pour his heart out. “The look on your face the other night almost killed me," he explains.
"Caine-," I begin but he cuts me off.
“Lacey, please let me finish. I've had this whole conversation worked out in my head and I need to get it out before I go crazy. I said how I feel in the letter, but I need to tell you face to face and pray you realize how much I love you," he says.
"No Caine! You cannot say things like you’re going crazy, or things have been hard for you, because you don't know what the hell I've been going through. I have been going out of my fucking mind for three days. I wasn't sure what I was going to say to you when we met today. I didn't know if I was going to be honest with you, or if I was just going to let you go and walk away. I don't know what my honesty with you is going to mean for my future and that scares the hell out of me. What I'm about to tell you doesn't change anything between us. I can’t ever trust you again, but I’ll be truthful with you. I love you Caine, and I’ve always been honest with you. I wish I could say the same for you. But that's irrelevant right now and love isn’t always enough to work through messes like this." I finish.
"Lacey, are you okay? I don’t understand,” he asks, puzzled by my rambling.
No Caine, I’m not okay! "I don't know, truthfully." I will be dealing with the shame from our wonderful society for not practicing safe sex. My baby is going to be a statistic. How can I be okay? National Statistics say that my baby is twice as likely not to graduate high school, that we’ll live in poverty, that if it’s a boy he is twice as likely to end up in prison, and that if it’s a girl, she is three times as likely to become a teenage mom herself. No, I’m not okay!
"I'm so sorry, Lacey. I love you so much. I don't know what I’ll do without you in my life. Why can’t we try to work through this when I love you too?"
I narrow my eyes at him. “Is that what you were thinking when you were enjoying yourself between that floozy’s legs?” I spit.
“Lacey, I...”
"Caine, stop! Nothing you say can change what you did. I’ve only agreed to meet you to tell you we are..." Oh my God. “Excuse me.” I run to the bathroom, praying I’ll make it before I ruin the atmosphere for everyone in the coffee shop. I just barely make it to the stall where I lose the contents in my stomach and possibly a few internal organs. I dry heave over and over. Once my stomach calms a little to where I know it’s safe enough for me to stand, there is a knock on the stall. “Ma’am?” A strange lady asks. “There is a gentleman outside who asked me to come in and check on you. Are you okay?” Fuck! “Um, yeah I just ate something that didn’t agree with me. You can tell him I’ll be right out.” The lady says, “Okay, feel better,” and walks out.
I turn on the cold water and pull a few hand towels out of the metal dispenser. The bathroom door flies open with Caine standing in the doorway. “Lacey?” I am way too emotional and physically weak to put this off anymore.
“I’m pregnant, Caine,” I divulge quickly before I lose my nerve and clean my face. My entire head and neck are hot and sweaty. I feel faint, making a mental note not to lock my knees so that I can make it out of here with my pride intact.
"Um...," he says, but then is speechless.
I lean on the counter to help brace myself. "Caine, you don't need to do anything. I just wanted you to know with you being the dad and all."
"Am I really the father of the--," he tries to finish.
"You are a bastard! Don't you dare go there, Caine," I bite. "You know very well I have never been unfaithful. Just because you have a tendency to put you dick in places it doesn't belong doesn't mean I'm the same way," I say, reminding him of his defrauder ways.
"Okay, I’m sorry. So what do you want?" he asks.
"I don't know? Nothing I guess. I just wanted you to know for the sake of my conscience and the baby’s." At least I’m being honest with him.
We return to our table and sit a few minutes in silence while I guess he digests the life changing news. "Lacey, I will take care of you and the baby. I love you and if you give me another chance I will spend every day proving my love and loyalty to you and the baby," he says. My self-control is starting to diminish, because I want to believe him with each word he utters. I need to be strong for myself. I need to put my walls up. How can I believe what he says? How will I be able to handle him breaking my heart again with the responsibilities of a baby too?
"Lacey, listen. Since I'm in the military, I can get you and the baby the medical care needed. I can take care of you. I know that with the economy, your parents have been struggling to keep both of the stores open. Let me take away the burden of paying medical expenses. I can be there for you. I want to be a part of the baby's life. I want to prove my love for you. Please, let me do this for you and the baby," he tries to persuade.
"How can you provide healthcare for us? We aren't married," I ask, suddenly wishing I could take my words back.
"That's what I'm talking about Lacey. Let's get married. Let me take care of you and our child for the rest of our lives," he says so confidently, as if he's solved world hunger.
"Uh, that's a huge step Caine. I don’t know if I can do that. Especially since I wanted to break things off with you just a couple of days ago.” His gaze falls. I notice he’s playing with his napkin. Oh God, please no tears. Blink them back Lacey... blink them back! “I don't know if I will ever be able to trust you again. You shattered my heart when you admitted to me you cheated. How do I know you aren't going to be unfaithful again?” I see him flinch at my harsh words. “Caine, I trusted you just like I trusted my uncle and you both betrayed me," I mumble and internall
y promise to do everything in my power to protect my baby from monsters like my uncle.
"Lacey, I will prove my love to you every day if you give me the opportunity. I am nothing like your uncle and seriously bothered you would put me in the same category with him. I’m sorry I betrayed you,” he stops, looking down at the napkin in deep thought. Oh, I’m so sorry you’re bothered about a fucking category. You cheating little prick! I think this helped my decision and I’m so done here.