by Hettie Ivers
***
I was exhausted and emotionally drained by the time Lupe and I sat down to lunch. And once my belly was filled with more undercooked meat than I’d probably ever consumed, I was hankering for an afternoon nap. But the new female werelock doctor, Bianca, arrived with Kai then, and I was made to submit to a full physical evaluation.
Bianca was nice enough. Not surprisingly, she resembled a female doctor out of a James Bond flick more than a real doctor, but I didn’t complain, as it was surely less awkward than the alternative, which was having Kai administer a pap test.
The examination had gone fine, I’d dressed again, and we were chatting about the changes that went with being a new female were when Bianca casually confirmed what Lupe had said earlier, informing me I’d entered the initial stage of my first heat cycle. At first, I laughed it off, still wanting to believe it was a sick joke. But as she kept talking, it became clear that this was not some form of new wolf hazing humor.
I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to smash something. But I was too short of breath, on the verge of hysteria. I broke down in a fit of tears instead. Kai materialized in the room shortly thereafter, and upon exchanging words with Bianca, silently scooped me up in his arms and held me while I cried.
CHAPTER TEN
I spent the remainder of the day holed up in Lupe’s sitting room, trying to lose myself in episodes of Avenida Brasil. Alessandra stopped by to visit, and after several failed attempts to engage me in conversation, curled up beside me on the couch and stayed to watch three episodes. I skipped dinner, barely spoke two words to Alcaeus when he came home, and flat-out refused to see Alex when he showed up.
Depressed and spent as I was, I still hadn’t expected to be able to quiet my mind and fall asleep so easily after the day I’d had. But I felt the pull to dreamland almost instantly as my head hit the pillow that night.
I’d been thinking of my mom, Raul, and home for most of the day, so it shouldn’t have surprised me when I found myself dreaming of the Redwood groves of Big Basin, trekking along the trails the three of us had often explored when I was a girl. It ranked among our favorite family outings, one of our most beloved and treasured sanctuaries.
But I was walking alone now, the afternoon sun fading to twilight. The trail was different. The familiar markers I’d come to rely on were absent. I wasn’t afraid though. I had massive, ancient Redwoods to keep me company, some of the oldest trees to bless the earth.
Raul had told me when I was six that if I listened closely, and if the trees found me worthy, they would impart their wisdom to me. I had come here often over the years seeking their counsel. I had listened for hours upon hours in the days and weeks following my mother’s passing, hoping to catch just a shred of their advice.
The wind changed direction, and birds scattered noisily from the trees above. I gazed up, watching their silhouettes take flight against the backdrop of the setting sun. When the tree branches once again fell calm, I returned my attention to the path and found there was a man now looking back at me, not fifty feet ahead, the fading daylight at his back. He was dressed in long shorts and a T-shirt.
At first, I thought it was Alcaeus, come to check on me. The man seemed familiar and looked to be about Alcaeus’ size and build. Except his hair was longer, and his facial growth was a tad scruffier, from what I could see, squinting into the fading sunlight. And while at first glance he stood tall and proud like Alcaeus, exuding a similar air of authority and confidence, there was something in his posture and body language, even from a distance, that made me think it was forced, something in his gait as he started walking toward me that seemed to indicate he was nervous about something. But when he raised his arm and threw up the shaka hand sign in salute, I forgot all else and sprinted straight for him.
“Raul? Raul!”
He ran forward to meet me halfway, and I screamed and squealed as we joyously collided. He twirled me off the ground in a bone-crunching hug that stole the breath from my lungs.
“Oh, thank God!” he rejoiced. “Thank fuck you’re all right! You are all right, aren’t you?” He set me on my feet to check, anxiously surveying me from head to toe.
I nodded vigorously, tears of joy rimming my eyes, my heart bursting with so much emotion. “I can’t believe I’m actually seeing you. That you’re here!” I bounced up and down in place in my glee. “I’ve missed you so much, Raul.”
“Are you hurt?” he asked again, his brown eyes radiating fear and concern as they swept over me. “Did they hurt you?”
I shook my head, beaming up at him and excitedly surveying him right back. He looked the same, and yet so very different. The most blatant change was, of course, his new build. He had always been tall and muscular, but now he was at least as brawny as Remy and Kai in my estimation, though maybe not quite as large as Alex, Alcaeus, and Kaleb. His face had also changed. Beyond the distinctive surface changes like the added scruff lining his jaw, the angles of his face seemed sharper than they had been before.
“Fuck,” he exhaled heavily in relief. “Are you positive?”
“I’m fine!” I all but giggled through my elation. “Absolutely, perfectly fine.” Aside from turning into a werewolf and harboring an angry, ancient blood curse.
He grinned at last and then chuckled at what could only have been the goofiest of slaphappy expressions on my face. “Well, fuck, you look a lot better than I ever expected,” he admitted, still looking me over as if his eyes were playing tricks on him. He took my chin between his thumb and forefinger, tilting my face from side to side, as if inspecting for damage. “Sure you’re okay? They’re not hurting you?”
“What?” I rolled my eyes and playfully smacked his hand away. “You thought I’d be bested by a pack of old werelocks? Now I’m offended.”
He laughed—genuinely laughed, fully and openly, like he’d always done—his brown eyes shining with the light of all that was right and good with the world. Just as I’d always known it to be when I was a kid, and he was my hero. He was the same. I had him back! We would be a family again.
I threw my arms around his neck and forced another hug on him. Just because I could. And because it was the happiest I’d been in over seven months. I didn’t know if I’d ever stop grinning and giggling, I was so jubilant.
“Aw, Miles.” He squeezed me tight, lifting me off the ground again. “Jesus, I’ve been worried about you.”
“I’ve been so worried about you!” I returned as he deposited me back on my feet. “Raul, when I couldn’t find you, when you went missing for all that time … I just … I …” My voice cracked with emotion and the first tears spilled over. “Don’t you dare ever leave again!” I whacked his hulking shoulder as hard as I could.
“Ouch.” He clutched his shoulder. “I think you dislocated it. C’mon, you’re on the brink of turning into a super badass werelock and you still hit like you’re a twelve-year-old? Try a closed fist at least.”
I reared back in affront and let fly a solid punch to his shoulder. My knuckles cracked in protest upon impact, but I was satisfied to see his shoulder jerk. I shook the sting out of my fist, noting with pride that I at least hadn’t broken any bones. I was definitely getting stronger with the change.
“Well, I suppose that’s progress,” he said with a chuckle. “Put some magic and some intention behind it next time and see where that lands you.” His smile faded, his eyes turning thoughtful. “How much power do you have right now? I can feel it, but it’s faint. And it feels like it’s being masked. Who’s holding it? Alex?” He was suddenly all business and twenty questions. “How much is he slowing your shift? Did he say how long it would take before you’re fully changed?”
I told him as much as I knew as we meandered down the path. He seemed surprised to learn Alcaeus was the one fully controlling my shift rather than Alex, although not as surprised to learn I was staying at Alcaeus’ home.
“Hey, I’m sorry if I hurt you last night,” he apologized. “I didn’t mean
to. I’m still figuring all this out.”
I waved off his concern. “It was nothing. Hardly felt it.”
He nodded beside me, looking unconvinced.
“Are you okay?” I countered. “How are you handling the change?” I stopped walking to eye him up and down again. Despite studying video footage of him for most of the morning, it was still strange to see and digest this new version of Raul in the flesh. “God, you look so different.”
“Are you kidding? I’m better than okay. I’m fucking Superman.” He smirked cockily. “You wouldn’t believe the shit I can do now. It’s incredible.”
I gave him a withering look in retort, not really appreciating his cavalier attitude about the whole thing. But my disapproving countenance only caused him to snort in amusement.
“Damn, you look like Aunt Cely when you make that face.”
It took a second for his words to register. When they did, I just wanted him to take them back. Biologically, she may have been my aunt, but I would never think of the woman who had raised me as anything other than my mother. And it was upsetting to hear Raul refer to her as “aunt,” as if the title somehow marginalized her importance in our lives, her relevance in Raul’s heart. I didn’t like it.
“Fuck. Sorry, Miles.” He winced and scratched the back of his head. “I heard about Aunt Aracely. You doing okay with everything?”
I didn’t have a response to that. I started walking again, and he fell in step beside me.
“Least it was quick, right? I heard she went pretty fast?”
I wasn’t sure how that made it better, and the glare I threw him in reply probably said as much.
“Look, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”
I frowned at the darkening trail before me, my feet halting in their tracks. How long had he known? Somehow it didn’t seem like fresh news, judging by how calmly he was able to talk about it. As if he’d already grieved the loss and moved on, while it remained a raw wound for me. What the fuck?
“When did you hear about it? How?”
He shrugged. “It’s not important.”
I was about to argue when another thought occurred to me. “Mom wanted me to tell you that she was wrong for what she said when she last saw you. She wanted you to know that she was sorry.” I examined his features closely, intent on his reaction. “She seemed to think you visited her last summer, and that you two fought.”
Eventually, he nodded in acknowledgement, stern lines creasing his forehead. “It’s fine. I’m not upset about it anymore. Doesn’t matter now.”
My eyes widened and my voice raised an octave as I blurted, “So you really did visit last summer? Oh, my God, that actually happened?” I shrieked in disbelief, throwing my hands in the air. “You saw Mom and you didn’t stick around to see me?” I found myself pacing back and forth, glowering at him.
Illogical as it may have been given the patchwork quilt of lies and subterfuge that I now knew had blanketed my childhood and my family relationships, somehow this smacked of the most painful betrayal yet.
“My God, Raul! You never even let me know you were in town!” I railed. “You saw mom and not me? How could you?”
He looked confused at first, then angry. “Seriously, Miles? Of all the problems we’re facing right now, you’re gonna harp on me about this? About me not visiting you last summer?”
“Yes!” I stopped pacing to screech, blinking back tears as I pouted, feeling every bit like the freckle-faced, redheaded, cling-on teen stepsister he’d painted me as to the Reinosos. The bratty kid sister he’d always been avoiding.
“Well get over it. Because we don’t have time for this.”
“Why? Why didn’t you come see me?” I ranted aloud in my dejection, still trying to process it. “Because you fought with mom? Was it really such an awful fight that you’d leave without even seeing me?”
I’d seen him far too infrequently over the last nine years as it was. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he’d been in town last summer and had left without seeing me.
He ran a hand over his eyes. A muscle ticked in his jaw. “It’s complicated, okay?”
“Well, lay it on me! Because I’m perfectly capable of grasping complex concepts and scenarios, Raul. Contrary to popular opinion, not every fucking thing that happens in our family needs to be kept a secret from me.”
“Oh, fuck you and your dramatics! I do not need this shit from you of all people right now. You have no idea what I’ve been through, not even a remote sense of what a fucking horrendous year I’ve had.”
“Maybe not. But my year wasn’t exactly filled with senior beach trips and bonfire parties. You didn’t have to see mom suffer,” I indicted, knowing it was a low blow but going there anyway. I was furious at his heretofore utterly apathetic response to her passing. “Or witness her deteriorate and change into a different person. You didn’t have to watch mom die.”
His eyes widened, his lips twisting into a sneer. “See, that’s where you’re wrong, little sister.” His nostrils flared, his chest heaved up and down. “Because I was the one who called 9-1-1 when mom collapsed in the kitchen, nine months pregnant with you.” He jerked his thumb at his chest. “I was the one to witness the paramedics deliver you and fail to save her.”
An icy chill washed over me as his words sunk in. “I’m … sorry …” was all I managed to whisper. “I didn’t know …”
“Exactly. You don’t have the first goddamn clue what my life has been, Miles. Because everything has always revolved around protecting you. Starting with mom.” His words were taut with emotion; filled with condemnation. “She could have lived, you know?”
I shook my head, not following.
“The paramedics would have saved her life first. They were going to. They were supposed to. But she begged them to save you instead. She chose your life over her own.”
I was still shaking my head.
“And over me.”
I almost missed his last words they were spoken so softly. I was dumbstruck. Devastated. I thought of Mateus—how he’d always hated me. I wondered now if Raul had always secretly hated me too? I’d long-harbored an insecurity of our relationship not being as important to him as it was to me. It made so much sense now knowing that I’d taken his mom away from him. And he’d only been a kid.
He pulled me into him as tears clouded my vision. “I have never hated you,” he said to the top of my head in answer to my unspoken thought as I sniffled into my hands wedged against the wall of his chest.
“Fuck, I didn’t mean to snap at you like that. Didn’t mean the part about mom the way it came out. I could never hate you, Miles. It’s just been hard sometimes … feeling like … well, feeling like my life was hijacked to protect yours,” he confessed. “Feeling like what I wanted in life didn’t matter, would always be secondary, because the duty of protecting your life came first.”
“I’m sorry,” I sobbed. “I never knew. I’m so sorry.”
“I know. I know you didn’t. It’s not your fault.” He pulled back, holding my wet face between his palms. “You and I”—he rolled one shoulder—“we’re just victims of shitty circumstance is all. None of this was ever due to any fault of ours.”
I nodded my wholehearted agreement with that assessment.
“But it’s over now.” He smiled. “The gig’s up … cat’s out of the bag as they say. And everything’s going to be okay now.”
I didn’t quite follow his “gig” or “cat” rationale on the “everything was going to be okay” deal, but I wanted to believe things were going to be fine more than anything, so I went with it.
“We can be a family again?” I sniffled, smiling tremulously. “We don’t have to be apart anymore?”
“Uh-huh.” He grinned, a playful spark lighting his eyes. “A manatee family.” He squeezed my cheeks tightly between his hands then, chanting “manatee face!” as he comically contorted my cheeks, nose and lips in a manner I’d long ago grown accustomed to.
<
br /> He’d loved to play this game with me as a toddler, and somehow the hilarity of seeing my face squished into what he’d decided resembled a manatee, just never got old for either of us. Soon we were both laughing uncontrollably as I did it back to him. And despite his new bulky appearance and air of authority, to my delight, I found he still looked as riotously funny as ever with his features scrunched up between my palms … resembling a manatee.
“So”—he tipped his head to the side, extending his fist to me—“manatee family forever?”
“Forever.” I giggled as we fist-bumped on it.
He stood smiling down at me a moment longer, but as I beamed affectionately back at him, his warm brown eyes seemed to narrow questioningly, and his smile faltered. At first, I thought he was checking me over for injuries again, because he took a step back, frowning as he eyed me up and down. But as I watched, he appeared to grow more distressed by the second over what he saw.
“What?”
“You look … different,” he stated at last, his tone and the way he was regarding me making it clearly sound like a bad different. “You were just a kid the last time I saw you,” he mumbled, more to himself than to me. “Fuck.” He ran a trembling hand through his hair. His tanned skin appeared to visibly pale before my eyes in the dim twilight. “I gotta get you out of there.”
“Wait, what in heck just happened here? What are you freaking out over?”
He was sniffing the air now, and making an awful face. “Fuck, you don’t smell right either.”
“Gee … thanks.”
“This isn’t funny, Miles!” he barked at me out of left field.
“Damn straight,” I agreed, “you just told me I stunk and that I look different in a bad way compared to the last time you saw me.”
“That’s not what I said.”
“Well, it’s not not what you said either.”
“I didn’t notice all these changes when I saw you before, okay?” he bit out. “My God, you were so banged up when you first arrived at Alex’s house, I didn’t pay attention to anything else.” He shook his head. “That was the only recent glimpse I had of you before tonight, and until just a few moments ago, I was still singularly focused on looking for signs of injury and abuse.” His visage darkened. “As long as I live I swear I’ll never be able to purge the image of you all battered and bruised, laying limp in Remy’s arms from my memory.”