"Not as happy as you make me, Rose."
How can he say that? "How can you say that? It's all you've ever known."
"But now I know you." He sets down my leg but keeps his hand on my thigh.
"But that girl who broke up with you...because she couldn't allow baseball into your life..."
"She's not you, Rose. I didn't love her. You're more important to me than baseball...than...my education...than the goddamn air I breathe. Shit, Rose, to make you happy, I'll cut off my leg. To have you in my life forever, I'd..."
"Ben. The only reason getting your leg amputated would make me happy is because it would mean a possible career for you in the Majors. And...there are no real physical complications. I don't want you to have it cut off, as you say, just so I don't feel alone...or so you look like me. I hope you know that."
His hand reaches my face and he runs his fingertips down my scar. "Of course I know that." His fingertips glide down my arm until his hand reaches mine. He takes it in his and says, "After you came all the way down to Cherry Hill and showed up at the field that day...when I was so angry...I got to thinking. I did some research. I found out more about my options." He pauses. "You know, I never meant to make you feel bad about yourself that day."
"I know that. I was being...I was thinking about myself. I told you that. It's hard to look past...past my flaws. And I was thinking about you afterwards, and you're right. I'm sure it's easier having the decision made for you than having to make it yourself."
He smiles, and I just want to lean in to him.
"If I were conscious and they asked me to decide if I wanted to keep my leg or risk...death. I have to be honest...I may have chosen death."
His face suddenly looks pained. "Then thank God you were unconscious."
"Small miracles, right?" I joke.
"It's a huge miracle, Rose. If you had died, I'd have never fallen in love."
Ben leans across the gearshift and kisses my lips. When we part, I can't help but say, "You make me happy to be alive."
And then he kisses me again. And for the first time since knowing Ben, I want to do more than just kiss him. I'm not sure how I'll feel about him seeing my body, but I know I feel less self-conscious around him. That thought makes me smile, and he's still kissing me.
"What?" he asks mid-kiss.
"What?"
"You're smiling. What's up?" His lips are still a breath away, but they're not on mine.
I want them on mine. "Nothing," I say, bringing my lips back to his.
After another few heated minutes, Ben breaks our kiss and says, "I'm sure we can find a more romantic place to do this." He pecks my lips one last time, then pulls out of the lot. While butterflies have a field day fluttering around in my stomach as if they were high on caffeine.
"So we missed the turn off to the restaurant a while back," Ben tells me once we're back on the road. "But we'll go to your house first and then get a late lunch...or early dinner."
I laugh. "Either's good."
The car ride up to my house goes fast, since the whole rest of the drive, I'm stuck in my head replaying our kiss. At one point, I stop just to thank God that He put Ben in my life. I hadn't thanked Him in a long time, but tonight, I feel like He is finally on my side.
Hand in hand, we walk up to my house. I turn the doorknob, but it's locked. "Oh geez, I hope I have my key."
Ben just laughs.
I let go of his hand to check my purse, but it's the small bag that I throw across my shoulder and chest. I can't remember if I transferred my keys when I switched from my normal purse. "Oh thank goodness," I say, slipping my finger into the key ring.
Inside the house, all the lights are off, and only the afternoon sunlight is filtering in through the curtains.
"No one's home?" Ben asks.
"Guess not."
"Were they expecting you?"
"No, no. I wasn't planning on coming up until you said we were driving up 23."
"Oh."
"It's fine. It's better they're not home. My mom would ask all kinds of questions as to what I needed." I take off my thick cardigan and throw it over the banister. Ben does the same with his leather coat. Then I motion for him to follow me up the stairs. "If you want, or you can just stay down here, I'll be right back."
"You going to your room?"
"Yeah."
"I'll come," he says, smirking, trailing behind me up the stairs.
Luckily I'm in front of him, so he doesn't see me blushing.
I enter my room and go straight to my closet. I hear Ben plop down on my bed.
"Nice room. Coral's a pretty color."
I turn around to look at him.
"You look good in it."
I want to play it cool, but my flush face may give me away. I try anyway. "Falco, are you coming on to me?" I'm half joking. Of course he's coming on to me, but I'm nervous at the moment.
He stands from my bed, comes toward me, places his hands on my waist, and pulls me forward, where he sits on the edge of the bed again. Next thing I know, I'm sideways, sitting on his lap.
He says nothing when he slides one hand up my back and the other down to my right thigh, his eyes intent as they penetrate mine.
"I don't want to put our relationship on hold, Rose," he says after several moments of intense eye contact. "We got enough bad things to think about...You are the only good in my life right now. Ever since I found out about my cancer and then Johnny, I've been drowning...in the dark...and you...you're like the lighthouse shining on the shore. And I just need to get to shore. Don't let me drown, Rose." His eyes close. I think he's trying to keep from crying.
I bring my hand to his face and run a thumb across his cheek. "I won't let you drown, Ben."
His eyes squeeze tighter before he opens them. "So you'll be my girlfriend? Now? No waiting to get past all this?"
I shake my head. "No waiting. I want to go through this with you."
Both his arms wrap around me, and he squeezes me so hard it feels like all the butterflies in my stomach are going to pop right out and flutter around us.
"I love you, Rose Duncan," he says over my shoulder.
"I love you too, Falco," I say into his neck.
This time, I break the embrace first. And when I look at him, he's trying to blink away tears. "It's okay to cry, you know. Kids with cancer are allowed to cry."
He smiles despite the tears. "Who you calling a kid? Just 'cause you're, what? A year, not even, older than me?"
"You're just a baby, Falco."
"I'll show you who's a baby, Duncan."
He flips me onto the bed and starts tickling me around my waist. On my stomach. Under the armpits. I'm thrashing so much that my legs and feet are flailing about, and without realizing, I kick Ben behind the leg with my prosthetic heel.
"Ow," he mutters unintentionally, and I know he didn't mean to utter it out loud. "I mean ooh, girl, you're..." He fails at finishing his sentence.
"I'm so sorry," I say, scooting out from underneath him.
"No, Rose, stop. It didn't hurt, I was just..."
"Was it your bad leg? I'm so sorry."
"No, no. It wasn't. It was the other one." He laughs. "Really. I was teasing." He drops the smile, sits up, and pulls me next to him. Then he lifts my bad leg and lays it over his lap. "Can I see it?"
I cringe.
His hand slides over my legging-covered artificial limb. "When you're ready."
"Promise you won't get grossed out?"
"You're asking for promises now? I thought you didn't believe in making promises." He's laughing, and I know he's joking, but he's right. Promises suck.
"I meant to say, please don't get grossed out."
"Sure, sure," he teases. "Seriously though, nothing that is a part of you could ever gross me out. But if you're not ready, I understand."
I don't know. Maybe I am ready. It would certainly be better for him to see me little bits at a time than all at once. So I slowly start rolling up th
e hem of my leggings.
As I do, his fingertips follow, lightly grazing the hard plastic and stopping where my knee is inserted. "Does it still hurt?" he asks, circling my knee.
"Sometimes."
"Do you still get...phantom pain? I read about that."
"Yes, actually. Not as frequently as I did in the beginning, but...I don't let anyone know. I think they'd think I was crazy. After all these months, I still think my leg is there."
"That's not crazy at all. I read it's normal."
"After eight months?"
He shrugs. "I read it can last for some for years."
"God, I hope not."
"It's winter. Maybe the cold bothers it."
"Maybe. In the middle of the night or early in the morning, sometimes I feel like it's being crushed, but usually it's 'cause I'm dreaming about the accident all over again."
"So you remember the accident?"
I've never talked about this with anyone. Even in counseling. So I'm a little apprehensive now, but I think I want to talk about it with Ben.
"I'm sorry, Rose," he says, taking my silence for ignoring the question. "You don't have to answer."
"I don't remember anything. Except that I'd just left my friend Jordan and was going to..." My chest starts hurting and my breathing picks up.
Ben pulls me close and kisses my temple. "Rose, stop. You don't have to."
"I was going to practice. I was one of the background dancers for Truckin'...It was a new Broadway show."
"Broadway?" His eyebrows rise. He seems impressed.
I nod. "It was a summer gig."
"Wow."
"I was three weeks away from the opening show."
"Oh, Rose. I'm sorry."
"Wasn't meant to be, I guess." I plaster a smile on my face. As much as I'm learning to trust in Ben, I'm still not ready to reveal how much it hurts to know my dreams have been crushed forever.
He brings his thumb to the corner of my lip. "Don't hide your feelings on my account, Rose."
My smile drops. I shake my head. "I'm not."
"You've never talked about this, have you?"
Again, I shake my head.
"You haven't really accepted it yet."
"No."
"I think I understand."
I look at Ben. Again I'm being selfish. "I'm sorry. We're talking about me, and you have this huge decision to make. Plus, you're facing chemo and all. I'm so sorry."
"No, Rose, don't be. I want to learn all about you. What scares you is part of that. You're my girlfriend now," he winks. "That means you have to tell me how you feel. Always."
"Well then the same goes for you, boyfriend."
He squeezes me again then cups his hand around my left knee. "I'm happy, Rose. Now that I have you, I can face this."
"You're not gonna give up the Majors, are you?"
"I don't know. It's gonna be even harder now. I mean, they're not easy to make to begin with."
"You never talked like that before. You were so sure of yourself."
"How can I be now?"
"It's not your pitching arm you're losing."
"No. But..."
"I've seen people run marathons with artificial legs. It's all over the Internet. Certainly you can run bases with one."
"But you can't dance?"
"Not gracefully."
"I guess that's a bit trickier."
"Do you want to know what I needed to get from here today?"
"Yeah."
I not-so-delicately get off Ben's lap and go back to my closet. Pulling out my box, I sit back down on the bed and open it. "My dancing leg."
He picks it up and turns it over in his hand. "It's sleeker. Robotic looking, though."
"Yeah, but the ankle rotates more effectively."
"Does this mean you're gonna start dancing again?"
I take the leg from Ben and place it in its box. "I don't know." I set the box beside me and stand up. "I need to get something else. Come."
"Yes, ma'am," he jokes.
Ben follows me to the basement.
"Wow," he says when we get there.
"My dad had this built for me."
"Your own dance studio? Wow. It's amazing."
"Thank you." I go to my shoe box and pull out my pointe shoes, my ballet shoes, my tap shoes, and my jazz shoes...just in case. I'm not sure I want to take up Professor Sherman on her offer, but I may as well be prepared.
"Are you gonna dance, Rose?"
Grabbing a dance bag from a hook on the wall, I answer Ben honestly. "I'm not sure. Professor Sherman told me I can use the fitness room if I wanted to practice."
"Professor Sherman? Musicology Professor Sherman?"
I laugh. "Yeah. Turns out she's a dancer too. She asked me to...to dance with her."
"Really?" He looks surprised. "You gonna take her up on that?"
I shrug. "I guess. I've been thinking about it."
"Well...one step at a time, half-pint. You got your shoes. Worry about the next step next time."
"Half-pint? Again?"
"We're at your farm, I couldn't resist."
"I am not like Laura Ingalls."
Ben walks up to me and takes my hair in two hands. "I don't know. Put this in a couple braids, put on one of those long granny dresses...I can see it."
I smack him in his stomach with the back of my hand, since my hands are full.
"I hear she's feisty too." He takes my bag, then pair by pair, puts my shoes in it.
"Thank you."
"Let's go get dinner, Ms. Duncan."
"Why thank you, Mr. Falco."
He puts my bag over his shoulder and holds my hand. "Not that it's even dinner time yet, but..."
"But you're starving."
"That's an understatement."
***
We're at the restaurant and seated in under an hour.
"Wow. Another cozy place, Ben. How do you find these places?"
"I type in 'cozy places.'"
"Really?"
He nods. "Cozy restaurants."
"It's nice here. I love the gingham tablecloths. My mom loves gingham."
"Is gingham a color?"
I start cracking up. "No. It's the little checkered squares."
"Ah. Very Ingalls-like."
"Yes. Very. You snot."
"So, Rose, what made you go back to school this semester? We never did talk about that."
"A couple reasons."
"Like?"
"Like...I was getting bored at home."
"Understandable. What is the other reason?"
"Well...my parents didn't really want me to take off another semester, and Holly begged me to live with her and Griffin. And Knox, when he's around."
"Knox?"
"He barely stays at the house anymore. Pretty much just when there's a party going on. He only lives in Teaneck, so I think he commutes most days. I've only seen him once since I've been living there."
"Ok. So...you're back at school 'cause you're bored and you want to please your parents and Holly."
"Pretty much." Do I tell him the real reason I forced myself to come back to school?
"Hmmm. Sounds legit. So why are you blushing?"
"I'm not blushing."
"You're blushing."
I bring my hand up to my face. "I am not."
"You are too."
I cover my mouth and say, "I was hoping to run into you."
"What was that? I couldn't hear you."
"You heard me."
He reaches over and lowers my hand from my mouth. "I'm glad you did."
"Well, I also need to continue my education." I backpedal. I don't want to seem too desperate.
He laughs. "You still going for education?"
"I really don't know. My intention was to dance for a living and then teach it when I was older and exhausted from dance. I really didn't know about teaching in a real classroom." I shrug. "I guess I'll have to think about it."
"Me too."
"You're rethinking the psychology thing?"
"I don't know. I guess I want to get through this next phase in my life before deciding about the future again."
"One step at a time."
"You're learning, half-pint."
The rest of the night is fun and easy. We’ve gotten the dark subjects out of our system and are able to laugh the rest of the time. In the car ride back, Ben cranks up the country station and starts singing along to the chorus of some of the songs.
"So you have been listening to country," I shout over the music.
"You betcha, half-pint."
Because I'm high on Ben at the moment, I join him in belting out the words. For the first time in a mighty long time, I feel like myself again.
38
BEN
"So I'm kind of torn," I tell Rose, standing at her front door. "I want to be a gentleman and say goodnight at the door, but I really don't want to say goodnight yet." With the tips of my fingers, I make circles on the top of her hand. Then I bring my gaze back up to her face. "I can stare at your face all night."
Immediately, her hand flies to her scar.
"Rose." I lower her hand and replace it with mine. "You're beautiful with or without the scar. Don't ever cover it for me." I slide my finger down the length of it, like I've done before. "I know you cover it with makeup, but please know, in front of me, you don't have to."
She smiles and leans into my hand.
"You wear what's comfortable for you, but don't think you need to hide your real self for me. I love the real you."
She closes her eyes and inhales. "I don't want you to leave yet." She opens her eyes. "Wanna come in?"
"I'd love to."
"Hey, you two." We're greeted by Holly, Mick, Griffin, and Cali.
"Hey," Rose says quietly.
"Hey."
"Ben," Holly says, standing up from the couch.
"Holly," I say with a straight face, only pretending to be annoyed at how we left things the first day of school.
"Where've you been?" She comes up and hugs me.
"Home," I say, not leaning in to hug her back.
"Don't be mad at me, Ben. I was standing up for my girl here," she says, hugging Rose. "So when did you come back?"
Reaching Rose (Hunter Hill University Book 3) Page 22