“Where is Kendall?” I asked curtly.
I saw a shadowed figure standing at the foot of my bed before the room finally illuminated with that stupid light.
“Mr. Riley, I’m Dr. Shale. Can you focus on me?”
I ground my teeth together. “Why is no one answering my question? Did something happen to her? Is she all right?”
“Sir, your female companion is fine. She’s not here, though.”
I paused. “Oh.”
“Can you focus on me?”
My eyes finally lifted to his face. “Kind of.”
“What can you remember?”
I shook my head. “There was a--the snow, and--Dell was there.”
“Yes. She was there with you. Can you remember anything else?”
“Doc, where am I?”
His smile was tight. “You’re at Mercy General. A man by the name of Ralph drove you to us. You were head-deep into acute hypothermia when you came into the emergency room.”
“Acute hypothermia.”
He nodded. “Yes, Mr. Riley. You were unresponsive. Very little blood flow to your legs. We got your shivering under control about an hour ago. But, it still took you a while to pull through.”
My brow furrowed. “How long have I been out?”
“Just shy of a day.”
“A day!?”
He placed his hand on my ankle. “You have to calm down. Your body is still healing, and you’re going to be sore for a while.”
I grunted. “That explains the shooting pains up and down my legs?”
“Yes. Your pulse was very weak when they finally got you in here. Your body’s going to hurt for a while.”
“Great.”
He motioned with his hand. “There are some people here to see you. Normally, I don’t allow anyone other than family members back here during a time like this. But, given the circumstances, I’ll allow it.”
“What? Uh, what--are you talking about?”
I turned my gaze to where the doctor was motioning, and I felt my heart stop in my chest. I didn’t recognize the voices, but I did recognize those faces. I tried to find the words, but none came. And as the two men sat beside me, the elderly man placed his hand against my forearm.
“We aren’t here to cause you any more pain. At least, we’ll try not to.”
I blinked. “You’re from the funeral home.”
The man nodded. “Yes, Mr. Riley. A woman by the name of Kendall Wright contacted us. Said you’d be wanting to speak the second you were capable of it.”
I didn’t know whether to feel upset at the forwardness of her actions or feel defeated at the fact that my life had succumbed to that. I mean, all I wanted was to do it on my timeline. Without people pushing me and harassing me and trying to force me into their own ways. Why in the world did I have to operate on everyone else’s time?
Why wasn’t my time good enough?
“Doc, could you give us some time?” I asked.
I looked back over to him, and he nodded.
“Take all the time you need. The nurses will come to take your vitals as necessary, and I’ll make sure your dinner is tailored to what I feel your body can handle right now.”
I licked my chapped lips. “When is dinner, by the way?”
The doctor grinned. “In about an hour. And I’ll make sure to add something extra to drink.”
“I appreciate it.”
He patted my ankle again before he left the room. He closed the door, as if to make sure I was shut in with the two guys from the funeral home. No time like the present, I guess. But, it made me sick to my stomach to answer the questions they had for me.
Where in the world is Kendall?
With every decision I made regarding my father’s funeral, I wished she was there to help. With every question they threw my way, I wished I had her hand in mine to hold.
“Do you have a burial plot picked out for your father yet?”
I shrugged. “Next to my mother, I’d imagine. In the cemetery in Rankin.”
Above all, I simply wanted her there with me. I wanted nothing more than her comfort and her wisdom. Even if her words could get harsh. And blunt. Sometimes I needed that. Even if I didn’t like it, sometimes I needed it. I needed someone to tell me like it was without sugar-coating it to make it more palatable.
Yet, she was nowhere to be found.
After solidifying plans and setting a date for my father’s celebration of life ceremony at his church back in Rankin, the two men left. With my card information in hand and the promise they gave me to take care of things from there, I stared blankly at the wall. Dinner came and went. I didn't feel much like eating, but I chugged everything they gave me to drink. The nurses filtered in and out, taking my vitals and checking my I.V. tubes.
Despite the numerous blankets on top of me, I still felt cold in my bones.
Among other things.
The seconds turned to minutes, which turned into hours. And when it was clear I wasn’t going to sleep, I picked up the television remote. I clicked the red button on the small mechanism and flipped through the channels, hoping that something decent was on at eight o’clock at night. My dinner sat there, untouched. I clutched a half-chugged cup of water in my hand as I lifted it to my lips. After flipping through the channels three times, I landed on an episode of Jeopardy.
So, I settled in for the ride.
Trebek’s voice sounded through the room. “A colorful Duke Ellington tune is called Moon this.”
I cleared my throat. “What is Indigo.”
“As a backup to Austrian Chancellor Sebastian Kurz Werner Kogler has this 4-letters-longer title.”
I shrugged. “What is… Vice-Chancellor?”
I was shocked that I got that one correct.
“Like electrons, visible light behaves both as particles & as these flowing fields.”
I grinned. “What are waves?”
Then, one of the contestants plucked a question from a category that reminded me of Kendall.
“Women of the Bible for $800, please.”
The question flashed on the screen, and I almost dropped my water cup.
“Once a servant to Abram and Sarai, this woman gave birth to Ishmael.”
But, before I could answer, a beautifully angelic voice answered from the doorway. Making my heart skip a beat.
“Who is Hagar,” Kendall said.
My head slowly turned, not yet convinced she was there. Maybe I was hallucinating. Or, maybe I had passed out again, dreaming of her presence, instead of having it in real life. But, I knew my eyes weren’t deceiving me. There she stood, with her arms crossed over her chest. Her body, leaned softly against the doorway. Her angelic orbs twinkled with the grin stretching across her cheeks. And the second my heart remembered how to beat again, I couldn't help but smile at her.
Even with the question that fell from her decadent lips.
“So, how’d the planning go? Did you get everything solidified the way your father would have wanted it?”
Chapter Eighteen: Kendall
It hurt to listen to all of the plans he made for his father’s funeral. It brought up so many memories of planning my own father’s funeral while my brother sat there, staring off into space. It brought up feelings of loneliness. Of abandonment. Like the universe was plotting something against me.
I admired Adam’s strength for being able to talk about it.
I sat on the edge of the bed and held his hand as I listened. His eyes watered a few times, but the tears never fell. I don’t know how he managed it. I was a mess for weeks after my parents died. Even then, up on my mountaintop, I had moments where all I could do was cry.
“It sounds like you did a really good job,” I said.
Adam squeezed my hand. “Thank you for making me do it. I think my father’s waited long enough.”
“That, he has.”
He threaded our fingers together. “I owe you an apology, though.”
I shook my
head. “You owe me nothing.”
“No, no. I really do.”
“Adam, seriously. We all have our moments. I’ve had them. We won’t be the last people on this planet to have them. These strong emotions are warranted.”
“I’m not saying they aren’t. I’m saying I owe you an apology in the process.”
I snickered. “You aren’t going to let me win this one, are you?”
“I mean, I suppose there’s one way you could win.”
“Let me at it, and I’ll show you a number one woman.”
He chuckled. “Tell me about one of your moments.”
Oh. “You don’t want to hear about that nonsense.”
“What if I do?”
I stared at him. “Why would you?”
His thumb stroked mine. “Maybe because it’s time someone was there for you, too.”
I shook my head. “Adam, I don’t--.”
“Then, consider it as a leveling of the playing field. For my sake.”
“Oh. For your sake.”
“Yes. You seem to be uncomfortable making it about you. So, we can make it about me. I don’t mind.”
I giggled. “I’m sure you don’t.”
He winked. “Not in the slightest.”
I felt my cheeks flush. “For your sake?”
“For my sake. Don’t leave me hanging on this limb I keep throwing myself onto.”
“With all due respect, this isn’t about me right now. This is about you.”
He smiled at me. “You know, my father always used to tell me that the best couples in life are those that can provide for their partners what their partners can’t provide for themselves.”
“Sounds like your father was a smart man.”
He nodded. “My father was many things, but yes. He was also a smart man. So, let me give you this. Let me provide something for you. Please.”
“But I don’t need anything.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Yeah. I’ve got everything I need.”
“I’ll give you one more shot at that answer.”
Maybe it was the way he looked at me. Or, the way the pink of his tongue darted out to mindlessly lick his lips. Maybe it was the way his thumb kept stroking my skin in soft, delicate circles. Or, maybe it was the magnetism I’d always felt toward him. From the moment I saw him kneeling at the lake’s edge, I felt something stir within me. Confusion, at first. But, it was always something with Adam.
I always felt something with Adam. And I couldn't ignore that any longer.
It’s time, Kendall.
Adam shifted toward me. “Kendall, you’re a miraculous woman. You live up there all alone, providing for yourself and working this job you have. But, there’s one thing you can’t provide for yourself that everyone needs.”
I blinked. “And what’s that?”
He smiled. “Someone to listen and to care about what you’re saying.”
I felt my lower lip quivering as my barriers shattered with his words. Like the walls of Jericho, crumbling at the sound of the trumpets, I felt the icy rebar I erected over my soul crumble to the ground. He was right. In some respects, he’d always been right. And as I drew in a deep breath, Adam scooted over. Allowing me the chance to sit beside him in bed.
A chance I took him up on.
“My father’s funeral was small, you know?”
Adam threaded his arm around me as my head fell to his shoulder.
“He was a hard-working man, but he didn’t keep many friends. And since my brother was practically incapacitated by his own emotions, it was up to me to deal with everything. Settling the estate. Dealing with life insurance. Organizing the funeral and burial as a whole.”
“It sounds like you dealt with a lot.”
I sniffled. “It was a lot. Especially after having to do it with our mother, too. For the longest time, I was so angry at Phil for abandoning me. My own flesh and blood, completely nonexistent during a time when I needed him the most. But, the truth is that I abandoned him just as much.”
“How so?”
“When I moved up the mountain.”
He kissed the top of my head. “I’m sure your brother doesn’t feel like you abandoned him. He comes to visit, right?”
“A bit less now that he’s got Mara in his life. But, yeah. They still come to visit. At least for birthdays and such.”
“Sounds like you and your brother still have a decent relationship.”
I shrugged. “It’s not really about the relationship, though. It’s about all of that emotional weight I had to carry on my own. That’s why I was so adamant about you arranging all of this with your father while I was around.”
He snickered. “You wanted me to do it so I wouldn't be alone while doing it.”
A tear slid down my cheek. “Yeah. Because I know what that feels like. And no one--especially someone as amazing as you--should ever have to endure it.”
“You’re a heck of a woman, Dell.”
The tears fell freely now. “I don’t feel like one. I mean, watching my mother slowly die was excruciating. It’s nothing compared to the pain I feel when I look at my brother, though. He looks so much like Dad, Adam. Phil is the spitting image of our father, and it kills me inside sometimes. I can’t hold his gaze for more than a few seconds. I can’t hear his voice without thinking Dad’s around the corner.”
“Is that what pushed you up the mountain?”
My face wrinkled. “Yeah.”
I couldn’t take it any longer. The pain had built and mounted and waged war against my body, and I was no longer strong enough to fight back. I hung my head and let the tears streak my cheeks, creating small rivers down the crooks of my neck. Adam held me tightly, pulling me against him. I heard him shushing me softly as he rubbed my arm, telling me everything would be all right. I clung to his hospital gown. I threw my legs over his lap. I pressed my face into the crook of his neck, sobbing as if I had lost both of my parents yesterday.
“I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere,” Adam murmured.
Adam kissed the top of my head again, and relief rushed through my veins. I wasn’t alone. I didn’t have to do it alone. For once in my life, I could lean on someone instead of everyone leaning on me. It felt refreshing. Rejuvenating. And, he was right. I couldn't give it to myself. I couldn't be there for myself. Not like someone else could be there for me.
“I miss them so much,” I choked out through my sobs.
And as I watched Adam thread his fingers with mine in his lap, I wondered if things would stay that way.
I wondered if Adam would stay in my life after all of it was done.
Chapter Nineteen: Adam
I stared at the front door of my childhood home as Kendall rubbed my back. I heard Ralph’s truck chugging along in the distance, slowly blazing a trail over the compacted snow on the road. She had been so kind as to help me get back to my place after being discharged from the hospital. But, now that I was home, I wasn’t sure if I could go inside.
“Hey, look at me,” Dell said.
I did as she asked. “Yeah?”
She threaded her fingers with mine. “I’m right here with you. You’re not doing this alone.”
The sentiment warmed my heart. But, it didn’t settle my soul. Still, I had let fear and resentment and disappointment guide me long enough. I knew what I had to do, and I knew that starting it sooner rather than later would serve me better in the long run.
It helped to have Dell with me, though.
My fingers quivered as I slid my house key into the lock. I heard the latch flip, easing the door open as the familiar smell of my father wafted up my nostrils. I closed my eyes and let the memories wash over me. Painful memories that broke my heart. Memories that reminded me of a reality I didn’t want to accept.
The reality that my father was dead.
I stepped inside with Dell as my jaw tensed. I heard someone close the door behind me, but I didn’t bother looking over m
y shoulder. I knew who was with me. I knew who was guiding me. And as I walked into the threshold of the living room off to my right, I reached for my father’s blanket.
The one he always covered himself with at night before he started reading.
I brought it to my face and inhaled deeply. The scent of the quilted blanket my mother once made for him slammed into my gut, filling me with more unshed tears. I’d never cried so much in my life. But at that junction in my world, I couldn't stop.
So, I sat on the couch and cried.
“Oh, Adam,” Dell whispered.
I felt her wrap her arms around me. I felt her rocking me softly as my shoulders shook. And as years of tears fell from my eyes, I felt her kissing my cheek softly. Brushing my hair away. Scooping up the tears on my face with her fingers and casting them out into the room. I collapsed against the couch, staring up at the ceiling. I felt Dell slide her leg into my lap. I reached for it, cupping it softly. Patting her thigh as she rested her head against my shoulder.
“Take as long as you need. But, once we get up, we start,” she whispered.
I shook my head. “How are you so good at this?”
“Good at what?”
“Setting boundaries for yourself.”
She paused. “I’m not.”
I looked over at her. “Could’ve fooled me.”
She blinked up at me. “It’s so much different when you’re on my side of the fence. When you’re not the one experiencing the emotions. I’m here to frame your emotions with actions. All you have to do is feel and let me dictate the rest.”
“I thought I was supposed to be the big, strong man.”
“Don’t you know that stereotype is overrated nowadays?”
I chuckled. “Well, just to let you know, I don’t always cry this much.”
She feigned relief. “Holy mackerel. Thank the Lord. Because I was starting to question my life choices there for a little while. I mean, who wants a man who’s vulnerable, in touch with his emotions, and capable of feeling something for someone else?”
I nudged her playfully. “All right, all right. I get the picture.”
She kissed my cheek softly. “When you're ready, I’ll be in the kitchen. I know you’re soaking up the scent of your father, but my nose is soaking up the scent of molding food in the sink.”
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