Then Revik turned, and he was walking back down the pier without looking back.
His light felt completely shielded now, closed up tighter than a vault.
I hadn’t felt him like that in a long time, either. Well, apart from when we were on a job, and then I wasn’t usually the one being shut out.
Once he was out of earshot, I didn’t wait. Walking directly up to the door of the guardhouse, I blocked it unabiguously, holding either edge of the open doorway with white-knuckled hands. I stared unapologetically at the green and violet-eyed seer who stood inside, not bothering to hide my scan that time, or to be particularly polite about it.
“All right,” I said. “Explain.”
“My name is Dalejem, mistress. I––”
“I got that much out of Balidor,” I said, cutting him off. “Your name means nothing to me, brother...and I suspect you already know that’s not what I’m asking you.” I bit my lip, fighting to calm my voice. “Who are you...really?”
“I did not lie to you. I am one of the Children of the Bridge.”
“Which means...what? Precisely?”
The older seer exhaled, running a hand through his long, dark hair. “We are an old sect, Esteemed Sister,” he said, his voice slightly less guarded. “I was not aware of them at all until I was chosen to be a member. That occurred several decades ago now, in my three hundredth year. I was in the Adhipan prior to that, which is how I know brother Balidor.”
“And who is your leader?” I said, widening my stance slightly.
He only looked at me.
“Really?” I said. “We’re going to play this game?”
“I cannot tell you that, Esteemed Sister. I am sorry, but I cannot.”
I fought to read it off his light, but couldn’t. I was beginning to think he had help with the shielding, but even if he did, he was still good at it. Annoyingly good.
“Then you probably won’t be surprised that I can’t trust you,” I said.
Dalejem’s eyes met mine, right before he exhaled, shaking his head, once. “No, sister, I am not surprised. However, I would think you could trust your husband...and brother Balidor.”
I fought back a harder flush of rage, unsuccessfully.
I bit my lip, but my silence didn’t last long, either.
“You probably shouldn’t be invoking my marital relationship right now, brother,” I said, my voice lower, and a lot colder. “...Or telling me whether and how I should trust my husband. Unless you really want some body part of yours broken...or perhaps removed.”
I saw his eyes flinch.
To his credit, the infiltrator’s mask didn’t waver apart from that, though.
Definitely Adhipan training.
“You must do as you see fit, Esteemed Sister,” he said then, his voice neutral.
“Really?” I said, still having to fight to keep the fury out of my voice. “Must I? Well, perhaps you can tell me this. Why is my husband having to tell you to keep your hands off him, brother? What makes you think you can touch any bonded mate inappropriately...much less mine?”
Silence fell on the darkened guardhouse.
“Well?” I said. “You were doing so well. A few things you said just now actually made sense. Don’t lose your nerve now.”
He started to make the respectful sign of the Bridge, but that only pissed me off more.
“Don’t give me that obsequious crap,” I snapped, gripping the doorway tighter. “If you’re such a big follower of mine, you should know I’m not fond of bullshit games...especially from someone who’s already given me a pretty solid reason to dislike them.”
Pausing on that, I made my voice unambiguous once more.
“Answer the question,” I said. “How do you know Revik?”
He flinched openly that time, and my skin flushed with heat when I realized it was because I’d used Revik’s given name.
“Are you going to answer me...?” I began angrily.
“It is not for me to say...” he cut in, his voice hesitant again.
“Then who should I ask, brother?” I gestured sharply with a hand, indicating the small guardhouse. “Is there someone else in here who asked for a private moment with Syrimne d’ Gaos, just so they could put their hands on him?”
There was a silence.
The seer didn’t drop his gaze.
“I meant you should probably talk to your husband,” he said then, his voice more gentle.
I fought with how to answer that, and found I couldn’t. Shock sparked through my light. Shock, or maybe rage, I honestly couldn’t tell anymore. I found myself remembering what Revik had said to this seer, what I’d practically walked in on in those few seconds.
That anger worsened when I remembered Revik trying to pull me away from this same piece of shit seer, almost like he was trying to protect him.
Swallowing, Dalejem averted his eyes.
In those few seconds, I saw color rise to his cheeks, too.
I was about to try again, when he looked back at me, meeting my gaze directly once more, his green and violet eyes suddenly grave. His expression and light held significantly less evasion that time, too, to the extent that I found myself holding his stare.
“I humbly apologize, Esteemed Sister,” Dalejem said, his voice low and openly apologetic. “...Truly. I implore you to forgive me for what you inadvertantly witnessed. I just...” He hesitated again, coloring more as he shook his head, averting his gaze. “I forgot myself, sister. There is no excuse. I would never intentionally harm you...or the Sword. I meant it, when I claimed to serve you above all others...even above him. I meant it with all of my heart, Esteemed Sister...”
“You have a pretty fucked-up way of showing it, brother,” I said.
I wasn’t done, but he headed me off again, his voice and light gentle once more.
“I know.” He held up his hands, his eyes still pleading. “I am sorry. Truly. Please accept my apology...and know that I will accept any retribution you see fit.”
I let out a humorless snort.
Even so, I couldn’t shake it off.
I couldn’t even make sense of what was wrong with me, not in a way I could put into words apart from the obvious. I fought to control my mind and light, to think through what he was saying, what I felt off him, what I’d felt off Revik...what I thought I would even accomplish at this point by continuing to bully and interrogate this complete stranger.
It hit me that I was shaking.
I was actually shaking, and I could tell by the strange flares in the darkness as I stared at him that my eyes were starting to glow again, too.
I didn’t know if it was all anger, but anger was definitely the part I was feeling the most clearly. Rage, really...so much that I was having trouble holding eye contact with him, especially standing this close. Some part of me wanted to shake him, to force him to tell me who the hell he was, what he wanted from Revik, how they knew each other, why he was really here.
Why the hell he’d been touching him.
I realized suddenly that I needed to walk away.
I needed to walk away from this.
Now.
Stepping out of the doorway, I let go of the edges of the doorframe, still fighting to control my light, to extract it from his. I didn’t look at him when I next spoke. Even so, the sound of my own voice surprised me, if only because I barely recognized it.
“Stay the fuck away from him,” I said, my voice low.
I didn’t bother to threaten him out loud, but the subtext was definitely there, and I wasn’t the only one who heard it. That time, it sickened me a little. I didn’t look at the other seer’s face long enough to gauge his reaction, however.
I also didn’t wait for him to answer.
Instead I turned my back on him, just like Revik had done a few moments prior. I didn’t look back as I began to walk.
Making my way rapidly back down the pier, I wrapped my arms almost painfully around my own chest, and fought to shut down my ligh
t, at least until I could think straight again. I tried not think about the fact that I’d just flipped out.
Like really flipped out.
Maybe worse than I had in as long as I cared to remember.
Even less than the flipping out itself, though, did I want to think about why I’d flipped out, or what I’d seen in Revik’s face or in his light in those few seconds after he’d felt me there, watching him argue with a seer he’d never even mentioned to me before.
I also tried not to think about the fact that I would probably flip out again, as soon as I got my husband alone where I could turn the full force of my crazy on him.
7
JEALOUS
IT DIDN’T FEEL like I was talking to that other seer for very long.
Even so, when I reached the end of the pier, only Balidor stood there.
He looked at me warily, as if wondering what I’d done.
I didn’t feel him relax until a few seconds later...right around the same time I felt Dalejem leave the guardhouse and walk down the pier towards the shore. I didn’t turn to look, but I felt Balidor’s light shift, even as the seer moved away. I felt a pulse of relief off of Balidor’s light, too, tangible enough that I snorted.
“What?” I said, my voice still harder than it probably should have been. “Did you really think I’d snapped his neck, ‘Dor?”
Balidor’s gaze stopped following what must have been Dalejem, although I didn’t look over my shoulder to confirm it that time, either.
I watched as Balidor thought about my words.
He smiled slightly as he did, then clicked under his breath, looking back at me.
“I’ll admit, the thought crossed my mind, Esteemed Sister,” he murmured, sounding sincere enough to make me bristle a little.
A smile still tugged at the edges of his mouth, but it didn’t touch his eyes. Those same gray eyes flickered over me in the pause after he spoke, and suddenly he dropped the formal, Adhipan leader guy character he normally wore. He turned back into the man I knew, the one I’d been friends with once. The one I was still friends with, come to think of it, even if we hardly ever got a chance to talk in a real way anymore.
“I’ve never seen you like this,” he said. “Are you all right, Allie?”
Something about the pure sincerity in the question and the thread of worry behind it caused me to exhale in a near-sigh. Rubbing my face with one hand, I sighed again, still fighting to calm down, although I felt some of my anger already deflating.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “That didn’t help. You know...with this other...you know, crap...” Biting my lip, I stared down at the wooden pier by my feet, trying to put that larger feeling into words. “I’m talking apart from that joker,” I added, motioning vaguely behind me. “I’m talking about the List seers disappearing. I’m talking about Revik’s light. I’m talking about Lily, and Shadow...and Cass. I feel hunted, ‘Dor...”
Feeling what might have been the beginnings of a joke off him, I looked up, cutting him off with my eyes, words and light.
“...More than usual,” I added, sharper. “We’re falling behind again. Shadow’s getting ahead of us. Unless you just believe in bad luck.”
Balidor’s expression grew thoughtful. I could feel him wanting to speak. I felt him hesitating on words, as if trying to decide what to say...right before he let go of whatever it was, his eyes returning to the other end of the dock.
Feeling the evasion there again, I once more had to fight to control my anger.
“...And I don’t like it when my husband withholds information from me,” I said, sharper. “Or when he uses my own damned head of infiltration as his ally to that end. Especially when it clearly has something to do with our primary objective right now.”
Balidor clicked under his breath.
He averted his gaze as he did it, but I saw the caginess return to his eyes and his light, even as he focused past me a third time, probably watching Dalejem, assuming he hadn’t disappared from view entirely by then.
“‘Dor,” I said, my voice more exasperated than angry that time, and maybe even a little hurt. “Are you really not going to tell me? I’ve all but ordered you to...and Revik, too. That fucker, Dalejem, told me more than either of you...and he didn’t tell me much, either. What the hell is this about? Are you really going to buck the chain of command on this?”
“Are you giving me an order, Esteemed Bridge?” Balidor said, looking back at me.
“Would it make any difference?” I said, nearly incredulous as I watched his face.
Balidor hesitated again.
In that pause, I heard the boat returning to the dock. Jorag, who was at the wheel of the thing, waved at me, his teeth flashing out of the dark in a grin once he saw us both standing there. I felt relief on him, too, even from this far away, and realized no one had probably told him why I hadn’t gone back to the ship with Revik.
Exhaling once I’d smiled in return, I looked up at Balidor again.
I fought back and forth as I looked at the Adhipan leader, even as I felt his answer in his silence. Realizing that even the most chain-of-command oriented people I knew––namely Balidor and Revik himself––were really going to cut me out of this, it occurred to me to question for the first time in months, whether I was really in command of this operation or not.
“Alyson...no.”
The words were sharp enough to make me look at him.
When I turned, Balidor had flushed. I saw a kind of horror in his eyes, though.
“...Of course you are in command,” he said. His voice was unambiguous. “You must know that. There is no question. None.”
I let out a humorless grunt, folding my arms. I didn’t answer him, though.
“Allie,” he said. Seeing something in my face, he shifted his tone, until I could hear what bordered on submission there. “...Esteemed Bridge. Certain areas of security have always trumped chain of command in cases like this. We did the same for Vash, as head of the Council. It is true of human monarchs...even of the President of your previous country. It has been true for nearly every leader since the beginning of time. It is true for you, as well.”
I gave him a harder look. “You’re seriously going to try and convince me this is a security call of some kind?”
“It is a security call,” Balidor said earnestly. “Absolutely.” When I shook my head, clicking again, he touched my arm, his light still submissive. “Allie...Esteemed Bridge. Please. Don’t read more into this than it is. You do not have to worry about the people around you. I promise you that. We are loyal. All of us. More than you can possibly know...”
I nodded, but I’m sure he could feel the noncommittal sentiment behind it.
I didn’t really want a promise of fealty though. Truthfully, that didn’t mean shit to me.
I didn’t even need to be in charge, not in that way.
But being cut out was something else.
I wasn’t about to go on some stint of faction-creation and assessment in our leadership team, to try and determine on my own where the decisions on this stuff were coming from...or even to try and find out what they weren’t telling me...but I admit, the fact that the thought even crossed my mind kind of bothered me.
When I felt another pulse of worry leave Balidor’s light, I faced him directly.
“I thought we were done with this shit, ‘Dori,” I said.
My voice didn’t even sound angry that time, mostly just tired.
“Done with what, Esteemed Bridge?” Balidor said, wary.
I paused briefly, then shrugged, speaking openly.
“With you and Revik and Wreg and Tarsi and whoever else deciding there were some facts I ‘couldn’t handle’ for whatever reason,” I said. “With my own leadership team lying to me, thinking it’s going to keep me and the rest of us any safer. With you seeming to think you can control me, or minimize my impact or whatever as the Bridge...or somehow keep me from acting like the Bridge, if I have less information.”
Balidor clicked under his breath, but that time, it didn’t feel aimed at me.
Not exactly, anyway.
“Allie,” he said, sounding frustrated again. “Don’t read too much into this. Please.”
I gave him a harder look. “If one of your Ahdipan people was lying to you, would you reassess the limits of your command, ‘Dori?”
He blinked at me. I saw at once from his face that the idea had never occurred to him.
My anger worsened when a full understanding hit me about why it hadn’t.
Of course it hadn’t. Balidor would never tolerate that from his subordinates.
So why was I?
“Allie,” he said, sighing and clicking. “It’s different. You are not only a military commander, Esteemed Bridge. You are forced to act in that capacity now, it is true...but that is not what you are, not truly. You’re a lot more than that––”
“And a lot less than that, apparently,” I muttered.
“You are irreplaceable, Alyson,” he said, hammering the words. “I am not.”
I gave him an incredulous look. “Bullshit, ‘Dori. You’re completely irreplaceable. You’re the best infiltrator we have. The best one anyone has, most likely...”
He shook his head, once.
“I am absolutely replaceable, Alyson,” he said, his voice uncompromising. “The Adhipan is structured so that all of us are replaceable. As a result, the chain of command means something entirely different in my case than it does in yours. With the Adhipan, there is a clear succession order...which functions precisely to ensure that I am replaceable. Moreover, if I go, I will be replaced. If you go...”
He held up a hand, making an expansive gesture towards the open water.
“...You will not be replaced, Esteemed Bridge. Nor will your husband, the Sword. It is not the same. You cannot pretend it is the same. Moreover, we have been telling you that from day one. You still do not seem to understand the difference. That, or...” His voice grew a touch harder. “...Or you simply do not want to.”
I nodded, again noncommittal. “Okay.”
“Allie...” he began, frustrated.
“We’ll talk about it later, ‘Dori,” I said, touching his arm briefly. “Really. This isn’t the time. Or the place.”
Allie's War Season Four Page 73