I saw him nod, but felt his agreement even more than I saw it.
“I’m sorry I shoved you,” I said then. “I won’t do it again.”
He looked up at me, his jaw hard. “You can do it again,” he said. “Just don’t fucking do it when you’re angry at me, Allie. Don’t do it as a way of putting me in my place. I may be your subordinate, but I’m your husband, too. You can pull rank on me out there all you want,” he added, motioning towards the tank’s door. “But you do it in here, where we’re supposed to be mates, and equals, and you’ll be sleeping alone, Alyson.”
I didn’t lower my gaze. Seeing the depth of feeling there, I nodded.
He’d never leveled that particular threat at me before, either.
“Okay,” I said. “Agreed.”
That heat in his eyes lost even more of its charge.
Waiting until I saw him let out an exhale verging on a sigh, I adjusted my rear against the hand rail under the view window, feeling my jaw harden.
“Are we going to talk about you disobeying orders?” I said. “Going around me out there?”
His jaw hardened, too. I watched him stare at the organic floor, even as his gaze shifted inward once more. I waited for him to collect his thoughts before I went on.
“Just how much control do you want over decisions that affect my security, Revik?” I said, coming at the issue from a different angle. “And how broad a scope does that cover? Because what you did today...that doesn’t only impact me and Lily’s security.”
I waited another few seconds, watching him think.
“I have a condition, too,” I said, pausing when I felt him tense. I waited for him to look up, and when he did, I sighed a little. “I want you to start seeing Yumi again,” I said. Seeing the anger rise to his eyes, I held up a hand. “...Look, this isn’t a punishment. I want you to let her help you with this. Balidor showed me the transcript of your sessions in the tank with him, after I left for China. He showed me the part about your fears around Menlim being alive...fears about what he used to make you do.” I shrugged, swallowing. “...Especially what he made you do to women. Balidor told me you were afraid of what might happen to me because of Menlim, even then. Even before you knew Menlim was alive.”
Revik’s gaze turned briefly murderous. I could feel the other emotions churning there, too, though, and waited for him to process my words.
“I’m willing to give you a lot more say over security, Revik,” I added. “But I can’t give you carte blanche. Not when it impacts something like killing one of the Four. That’s not only your decision to make.”
There was another silence.
I knew that, even now, I was handling him to a degree. I’d deliberately referenced Cass as “one of the Four,” not by her name, or even her title. I knew I was playing on his religious beliefs. I didn’t intend to hide that fact from him, but I needed him to make this less personal. Less about me and him and more about what we were trying to do in a broader sense, like keeping the rest of the humans and seers on the List from being eliminated by the Dreng.
“Revik,” I said, softer. “Would you have let me do that, if it had been Terian?”
There was another silence.
I felt the arguments forming in his mind, and spoke before he could voice them.
“I know what Cass did to you, baby,” I said. “I really do. But Terian tortured you...for months. He nearly killed you. He nearly killed my brother. He raped and nearly killed my best friend. He raped me.” Swallowing, I shrugged, keeping my voice neutral. “We made the decision to keep him alive in spite of that. We did that because of who and what he is.”
“And maybe that was a mistake.” Revik continued to focus down, at his feet. “Did that occur to you, Alyson?”
“Yes,” I said, fighting frustration again. “Of course it occurred to me! But what is the answer, Revik? What do you want me to do? Just kill everyone who might pose a threat to us?”
When he didn’t reply, I found myself trying to answer the question on my own.
Once I did, I realized I did know what I wanted to do.
“We could leave it up to the Council,” I said.
Not looking up, I nodded to myself, more sure after I’d said it.
“...We could make a rule that any drastic measures involving one of the Four needs to be decided by Council vote,” I continued, thinking as I spoke. “Preferably by unanimous vote, at least in terms of their senior members. That way, neither of us would have the final say. We could each make our cases to the Council, regarding recommendations and security concerns. But we give the final decision to seers with supposedly more insight. And objectivity.”
Revik looked at me, his clear eyes holding a denser scrutiny. “You would do that?”
Turning over my own words, I nodded. “Yes.”
“And if they say we should kill Cass?” he pressed.
I exhaled, staring around the small room. Focusing on the short bookshelf filled with leather-bound books, I thought about his words. But the longer I thought about it, the more I realized it was the only solution either of us would be able to live with.
“Then we kill her,” I said.
There was another silence while he thought about my words.
I watched him as he stared at the floor of the cell, his thoughts almost visible in the space of our small construct. I knew this conversation hadn’t gone where he’d expected it to go. Hell, it hadn’t exactly gone where I’d expected it to go, either.
I found myself watching his angular face, seeing the tiredness reflected there, a tiredness that didn’t strike me as being from a lack of sleep.
“I heard you got pulled in upstairs,” he said then, his voice gruff. “Is everything okay? Did we lose anyone?”
Watching his face, I saw the guilt reflected there, along with a denser pain.
I shook my head. “We don’t know yet.”
“Did they find anything?” he said. “In D.C.?”
Looking at him, I let some of my exasperation out, despite the guilt I could still feel on him, and the tired expression on his face.
“That depends,” I said, sarcastic. “It might help if I had any fucking idea what they’d been sent there to find, Revik.”
He looked up at me, his clear eyes showing a gleam of surprise.
“What do you mean?” he said. “I sent them there because of you. It was your dream they were following...the one about the White House. About the safe underground.”
I stared at him.
For a long moment, I couldn’t answer him as the pieces fell together in my mind.
I’d just assumed he’d sent Loki’s team to D.C. as part of some side-project that he hadn’t bothered to tell me about. Looking at him now, I realized he’d done it more as a favor to me, maybe even as a means of showing me that he trusted my visions, and that he wanted to follow more of those prescient clues I seemed to keep getting via my dreams.
Moreover, the remorse I’d picked up on wasn’t about D.C....it was for disobeying me in front of the others.
Something about that realization brought tears to my eyes.
Guilt overcame me in the same set of minutes. I’d come in here to try to reason with him, but also to handle him...to push him into a compromise so we wouldn’t fight. Looking at him now, I realized he’d handled this more honestly than I had.
He’d also tried harder, and with less selfish reasons, to apologize.
“I’m sorry,” I said, wiping my face with the back of my hand. “Shit.” I gave a humorless laugh, still not looking at him. “I thought you just didn’t bother to loop me in.”
There was a silence while he sat there.
I could feel him thinking about what I’d said.
“...And I’m sorry I dressed you down out there,” I added. Giving another half-bitter laugh, I wiped my eyes again, still crying for some reason, and now embarrassed about that, too. “I hated talking to you like that in front of them. I felt like you gave me no c
hoice...which made me pissed as hell at you, too. But things are too damned fragile right now. We can’t have a split in the command structure. We can’t. And I can’t look weak in front of them, either...even if you are my husband. I know it’s just psychology, but hell, they need to have confidence in me, or I shouldn’t be leading them at all. They’ll never trust me to get them through this, not if they see me as some kind of––”
“Shhh,” he broke in.
He was on his feet, and across the room before I knew what he intended. Before I could move away, he was in front of me, holding my arms.
“I’m sorry,” he said. His hand slid into my hair. He gripped a handful of my long curls at the back of my head, even as he pressed closer to me, lowering his mouth to my ear. “I’m sorry, Allie. I really am.”
I shook my head again.
I didn’t want his apologies, either.
“What do you want?” he murmured.
I gave a short laugh. That one didn’t have much humor in it, either.
“You probably shouldn’t ask me that right now,” I said.
“Why not?”
I felt my jaw harden, right before I looked up, meeting his gaze. “Because a big part of me wants to shove you around with my light some more.”
I saw his eyes change subtly, right before he looked down my body. I felt a flicker of pain shift around his light and then into mine, even as I felt him fight to suppress it. Shaking my head, I leaned back against the railing, giving another half-laugh. That one had a little more actual humor in it, even as I felt my chest easing somewhat.
“You’re hopeless,” I said, wiping my face.
He gave a side-head tilt, another version of the seer’s shrug. “You can push me around a little, if you want.”
I gave him a half-joking glare. “You might want to be careful what you offer to me right now, husband.”
He clicked at me, smiling. That time, it touched his eyes.
“Promises, promises,” he chided. “All bark and no bite...”
For some reason, that brought a real burst of anger out of me.
Maybe because it hit too close to the bone right then.
Or maybe because I was finally letting myself feel what I’d felt below all the rest of my needing to hold things together...whether to “manage” my more volatile spouse or for some other bullshit reason. In any case, a kind of heat flooded my aleimi without warning, and that time, I pushed him harder, using my light.
He stumbled back more than a few feet. When he recovered his balance that time, he was panting. When he looked at me that time, though, he didn’t look angry. Cautious, maybe, but not angry. In fact, if anything, I saw interest on his face.
“Are you mad?” he said, after a pause. His eyes continued to measure mine, even as I felt him skirt cautiously around my light. “Because we probably shouldn’t do this, if you’re really angry at me...”
I thought about that, too, and I agreed with him.
But was I mad? Was that really what was going on here? Frustrated, yeah. But mad? At him? I honestly couldn’t feel that in any part of my light, unless I was suppressing that, too.
He remained where he was, a few yards away from me, essentially where he’d ended up after I’d shoved him. He watched me, and I felt that heat snake back through his light, but that didn’t feel like anger, either. Some part of me felt as much frustrated by that heat as amused, or even turned on. I still didn’t want to hurt him, but I could feel that pull on him, even as he seemed to be reconciling it within his own light.
When I looked up that time, his eyes had changed again.
“Please,” he said.
His voice was lower that time, almost gruff.
I stared at him, feeling my separation pain worsen. I knew exactly what he was asking me for, but some part of my mind, or maybe an even less rational part of myself than my mind, continued to fight it. But yeah, I knew. He’d already asked me for it once, earlier that morning, which meant he wanted it pretty badly for some reason...maybe even for the reasons he’d implied. Meaning, because he wanted to open to me...maybe even because he wanted to give me what he thought I wanted.
Either way, the bare simplicity of it still felt like a hard wall.
He wanted me to hurt him. My husband was asking me to hurt him.
Of course, I knew it wasn’t that simple, not really. He wanted me to help him to open, to push him to some edge that he knew better than I ever would, but that I remembered at least in bits and pieces from the tank.
I knew my reluctance was mostly fear. My mind contained enough of that irritating detachment for me to see the fear almost clearly.
“I’ll go see Yumi,” he said, his voice coaxing, pulling on me. “I’m agreeing to your compromise, wife. In full. And I’m apologizing...”
I swallowed, just looking at him.
I felt the pain worsen in his light, and a part of me opened to it that time.
Maybe I was the one who needed to see Yumi. Clearly he wasn’t the only one with issues in this area. The difference was, I understood my husband’s issues...more or less. I at least knew where they came from, if not precisely what they meant for the two of us. His wants and fears made sense to me, as did the pulls in his light around what he was asking of me now.
My own crap, I had a harder time pinning down. It felt important that I understand it, too, at least enough to know I wasn’t doing this as some kind of twisted power play.
“I know why,” he said, softer.
I looked up, realizing only then I’d looked away.
Biting my lip, I glanced back at the blanked out wall, which used to be the only way we could spend time with our daughter.
Thinking about her, my chest hurt again.
“Actually. I kind of want to go see Lily.” Seeing Revik’s eyes soften all at once, I looked away, wiping my eyes, even as I felt a flush of guilt too, realizing I was still avoiding, even though I was telling the truth, too. “I feel like I’ve barely seen her lately. At least you got to see her this morning...” I said, my voice faintly accusing.
He clicked at me softly, but there was no anger in it that time.
“Do you want me to go with you?” he asked, softer.
I thought about that, too, then nodded.
“Yes,” I said. “If you want. Unless you’re busy.”
“Not in the slightest,” he said.
Something about the way he said it that time made me relax for real.
His eyes continued to watch my face carefully, though.
“So you don’t want to play then?” he said. “Now, I mean.”
I looked at him, feeling myself tense, even as that want strengthened in his light. Another flush of pain and images flickered across the surface of his aleimi, almost where I could see them that time. Even so, his caution grew more prominent, too.
“Allie,” he said. I saw him hesitate, saw the hesitation even more clearly in his eyes and his light. Then, as if making up his mind, he sent me another pulse of warmth. “Allie, I know why. I really do. But you don’t need to worry about that...I promise you.”
Feeling what he meant, I frowned, staring once more at the floor. I realized I did know what he meant. He’d picked up on something I’d totally missed.
I wasn’t afraid of hurting him.
Well, I wasn’t only afraid of that.
I was also afraid I wouldn’t do it right...that I’d make an ass out of myself in front of him. I knew he’d paid women to do this to him.
Well, maybe not exactly this, whatever this was...but close enough. I knew those seers he paid had known what they were doing, what he wanted, and that they’d been trained in some sense to do it. I knew they wouldn’t have hesitated regarding his request...or held back. I knew there had probably been males as well as females. I knew that even more now, after seeing him with Dalejem the night before, but I guess I’d always known...meaning, before I got tangible evidence of that fact. I knew some of them must have been human, as
well as seer.
I didn’t want to be measured against them. I didn’t want to be another person in his long list of people who’d gotten him off this way.
He smiled. I hadn’t looked up yet, but I felt it.
“Allie,” he said, softer. “You have to know how completely different it is with you.”
I didn’t meet his gaze, but I shrugged. “Doesn’t change the fact that I still don’t know what I’m doing with this, Revik. I don’t know how to give you what you want...” Biting my lip instead of going on, I shrugged again, folding my arms in front of my chest.
I practically saw him roll his eyes.
“Are you going to make me say it?” he said.
“Say what?”
“Bullshit, Alyson.” His voice turned harder. “...China.”
I gave him an angry look, but he cut me off before I could speak.
“You do know,” he said. “...And don’t even get me started on San Francisco.”
Knowing he was referring to Jaden that time, after already referencing the period I’d worked as a consort for the Lao Hu, I grimaced, hit by two different sets of unwelcome memories. Most of those were things I’d much rather have left far, far behind me, and not only because Ditrini featured in a fair few. The fact that it had been Ditrini didn’t take away from Revik’s overall point, but I also thought he was missing mine more than a little, even where coercion wasn’t involved. It was easy to do that kind of thing when you didn’t give a damn.
“I get that,” he said, his voice lower again. “I really do. It was easier for me, too.”
There was a silence.
I found myself turning over his words, in spite of myself.
When the silence continued, I felt him backing off with his light.
I also felt him politely and cautiously retracting his offer.
Well, not retracting it, exactly, but maybe letting me off the hook. Somehow, that didn’t reassure me either, though. Pain worsened in my light, even as I felt another part of me grow almost angry. I hated that I wrestled with this crap. I hated that I was such a coward with him, and that his past sex life still managed to threaten me and get between us. I shouldn’t have to feel shitty about this. Remembering some of the stories Cass told me back when we were in school together...even things me and Jaden had done...
Allie's War Season Four Page 95