I didn’t ask why. Truthfully, I didn’t want to know.
Either way, in relation to the room as a whole and even the seers who seemed a lot less interested in us than in Jorag and Dalejem, I still felt overly conscious of my relevant body parts and their visibility––as if every seer in the room could actually see the print of my husband’s palm and fingers on my ass through the thick fabric of my combat pants.
Thinking about that wasn’t such a great idea at the moment either, though––especially since it immediately turned me on, bringing liquid pain coursing through my light and causing a corresponding ripple in Revik’s when he glanced my way.
The fact that probably the best infiltrator alive stood in front of me, subtly checking out my light, didn’t exactly help the embarrassed heat that crawled traitorously over my skin.
I wasn’t the only one who was nervous.
I could feel the reluctance in Balidor’s aleimi as he cleared his throat, averting his gaze soon after he’d studied my expression in a brief but penetrating stare. I couldn’t feel anything on his light about what he wanted, not specifically. But that was hardly unusual with Balidor, no matter how embarrassed he might be.
Anyway, I could guess.
The cautious but intense feel of his light reinforced that probability in my mind, enough that my own light began to shield more intensely in reflex. I glanced at Revik a second time, feeling that pain in my light worsen when I glimpsed his profile.
Fuck. What was the matter with me?
What was the matter with both of us?
“...May I talk to you for a moment, Esteemed Bridge?” Balidor said, polite as always.
I glanced across the room and caught Dalejem staring again, only at me that time, not Revik. I returned his stare, flushing, then looked back at Balidor, almost before I’d registered the question.
Revik stood a few yards away, talking to Vikram and Yumi. Even so, I felt his light’s attention more than halfway on mine, wrapped into parts of me that were difficult to ignore, despite the thoughtful nod he gave to whatever Vikram was saying. He gave me another bare glance, his eyes sliding over Balidor before a small frown touched his narrow lips.
I felt the more protective shield that went up in his light, wrapping mine more densely in his. His stance shifted in the same beat, his arms folding over his chest as he planted his legs wider apart. It was his immovable stance, I noted, with a bare thread of humor.
Or maybe his just try it stance.
That time, when he looked at me, he sent me a whisper of heat. Maybe he could tell I liked it when he got all male on me, even when it wasn’t particularly warranted. Or maybe he could just tell I was having trouble ignoring anything about him right now, much less when he was doing something invasive to me with his light.
“Sure,” I told Balidor.
I tore my eyes off Revik, only to find the Adhipan leader looking between the two of us, that sharper scrutiny back in his eyes.
“What?” I made my voice flat, abruptly businesslike. “What is it, ‘Dor? Is this about the primary landing again? Because I told you... I’m going. Which means Revik is going. That’s non-negotiable.”
He barely seemed to hear me.
Looking between me and Revik, he scanned us both openly that time, a harder look in his gray eyes when he clicked out.
That time, he dropped the polite act.
“What is this,” he said, motioning between the two of us. “What is going on, Alyson?”
I paused a beat before answering, maybe because I felt my light flare in reaction to the aggression in his voice, along with a corresponding flare from Revik.
“...Like that,” Balidor said, his voice pointed. “Like what just happened there.” He motioned between the two of us again, his gestures sharper. “What is that?”
I was about to answer, when I found myself glancing at Revik. He was watching the two of us closely now, his clear eyes wary, his light slightly charged.
I sighed, folding my arms, barely conscious that I’d already more than half-imitated Revik’s wide-legged stance. “Is there a problem, brother Balidor?” I bit my lip. “Is this about the sex? Because we’re not exactly the first couple who’s ducked out of work to indulge. In fact, I hear you and Yarli––”
“This isn’t about that,” Balidor cut in, motioning in the negative with one hand and giving me a warning look. He looked at Revik that time, his expression harder. “Something is going on between the two of you. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about... or that I don’t have a right to ask. You know damned well he’s only recently been disconnected from Menlim’s construct... and we don’t even know for certain if that was accomplished in its entirety. You cannot afford to be secretive regarding any changes in his light, Alyson. You cannot be secretive with changes this drastic in either of you. Now, tell me. What the hell is going on?”
Revik was staring at us again.
Catching my eye, he entered my light even more.
What does he want?
I rolled my eyes. He wants to know what’s going on with us. What do you think?
His jaw tightened. I don’t like his tone. Tell him to back off. He’s standing too close.
“––Alyson?” Balidor said, sharper.
Realizing I’d missed the first part of what he’d said, focusing on Revik, I found myself refolding my arms around my ribs, taking a half step back without thinking about why I did that, either. I struggled to focus on the male seer in front of me, on what we’d been talking about.
As I did, part of my brain acknowledged the validity of Balidor’s question, as well as my unwillingness to go there with him, regardless of what I felt.
Revik’s light continued to wrap into mine, pulling my attention, demanding it––
Balidor caught hold of my arm. “Alyson!”
I stepped back, startled.
Even so, the Adhipan leader’s grip on me managed to jerk my attention back to both him and the room. It worried me when I realized how quickly I’d drifted again. Before I could speak, or pull my mind together enough to try, Revik appeared at my side.
Well, a little in front of me, really.
He inserted his body between mine and Balidor’s so quickly, I barely acknowledged the fact that he’d forced the other seer to let go of me.
“What the fuck do you want?” Revik said. “What is this?”
The maleness thing was on overdrive now, and while it affected me, I grew conscious of the stares we’d officially begun to garner from around the room. I also grew conscious of the fact that Revik had been speaking in Russian... and that I’d understood him, even though I don’t speak or understand Russian.
Balidor stiffened. To his credit, he barely flinched though.
He didn’t back off, either, despite the hotter frequency of Revik’s light.
Instead, he looked around Revik’s body to me, his eyes showing an open exasperation. He didn’t send any words to me directly, but from his vague hand-wave towards Revik and his meaningful frown and head-tilt, I got the point without needing to hear it.
He might as well have said, See? You’re seeing this, right?
I sighed, catching hold of Revik’s waist with my arm.
Without meaning to almost, I didn’t just tug him back, I wrapped my arm around him, pulling on him with my light as much as my body, pulling him against me, so that I felt his aleimi wrap into mine, his body melting against my side even as that protective thing continued to emanate off his light. The latter thing caused his muscles to continue to tense and release against my side, making me conscious of his hands, of the long muscles in his thigh, his arms. He let me pull him back, though, and I felt elements of his light grow submissive, even as his pain sharpened from the direct contact with mine.
And yeah, okay, none of that exactly helped with my concentration issues.
I forced my eyes back to Balidor, even as my vision blurred. Realizing my eyes had started to glow, I blinked them, trying to clear t
hem, to pull back my light.
“Both of you, chill,” I said, without releasing Revik. I looked at Balidor directly. “Yeah, ‘Dori, I get it,” I said. “I’m just not sure how this falls into the ‘dire, imminent peril’ category, given what we have on our respective plates right now. Yeah, there’s something going on with our light. Yeah, we’re acting a little weird because of it. It’s not like we’ve been hiding that fact, have we? And if we feel the need to take a few more private moments together as a result, then what’s the big deal? We’ll do our job, I promise you––”
But Balidor was already clicking at me, at both of us now.
He glanced up at Revik more warily, then returned his gaze to mine.
“Alyson,” he said. “It’s not okay. Not now. Not when we don’t know what’s causing it.” He gave Revik another look. “Neither of you will be able to view this objectively.”
“And you can?” I said.
Balidor gave me a harder look, one that bordered on angry.
Realizing how that sounded, I glanced at Yarli in reflex, feeling my face grow hot. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
Clicking at me in irritation, Balidor waved off my words.
Feeling my jaw tighten more, I said, “So what do you suggest? Are you really telling me to stop having sex with my husband?”
I didn’t realize how loudly I’d said that until the room around us went quiet.
Glancing around without releasing Revik, I felt my jaw clench before I looked back at Balidor. I saw his gray eyes watching me again, me even more than Revik. I felt pain on Revik, too, but I also felt him thinking, worrying maybe... and looking at his own light where it wrapped too tightly into mine, especially in terms of specific structures we shared through our aleimi. I felt him worrying about me, about what his light might be doing to mine. I felt him remembering how deeply parts of his light had been hooked into Menlim’s, and how connections of that kind always went two ways.
I also felt Revik thinking about how very like Menlim it would be, to use Revik’s light to get at mine.
Then I felt a little sick, realizing Menlim had probably watched me and Revik together, pretty much since the beginning of our marriage.
Revik glanced at me, and I saw pain in his eyes, along with a heavier look, one that bordered on disgust. That disgust had a familiarity to it, though, like he’d felt himself being watched in such a way for a long time... for most of his life, really.
Menlim had controlled him that way, too, I realized––by playing on the shame Revik already carried for some of his less than squeaky-clean impulses, especially when it came to sex. Menlim managed to convince Revik that he wanted to hurt women for years.
But the more I knew Revik and his light, the less I believed that.
Gripping him tighter with my arm, I flooded light into his chest, reminding him.
He glanced down at me. That time, I saw anger there.
I was glad. I’d rather see him angry at Menlim and what he did to manipulate his emotions than sad and ashamed. I’d rather see him murderous about it, truthfully, than afraid and defeatist. I couldn’t tell if that was right or wrong of me, honestly.
As if reading all of this along with me, Balidor gestured up at Revik with a flowing hand.
“He knows!” Balidor’s voice still held some exasperation, but he also sounded faintly relieved. “He understands this... all too well, Alyson. How is it that you can pretend there is no risk of infiltration, given what Shadow and his people have perpetrated against us already? How can you pretend this is a small thing... ‘given what we have on our respective plates’?”
I glanced up at Revik. His narrow mouth firmed as he looked at Balidor. I felt him agree with the other seer, right before he glanced at me.
Realizing I agreed with Balidor, too, I let out a frustrated exhale.
“Okay,” I said. “Okay, ‘Dori. Then we’d better look at this now.”
“Now?” Balidor said, quirking an eyebrow.
He glanced around the room, as if to remind me we were only on a break, and already in the middle of a planning meeting.
“Yes,” I said, sharper. “Now. Close this meeting. Open another. Pull whoever you need. Yumi, Wreg, Jon, Tarsi, Loki, Varlan... or hell, Dalejem. Whoever you want there. Then tell us where you want us. Anywhere but the tank. I don’t want to bring Lily into this, not unless we absolutely have to, and even if you put her to sleep, her light would be too involved inside the tank. It’s better if we stay out here. In fact, I’ll probably want her pulled out of class and put into her own room’s construct until we’re done...”
Balidor was already nodding, acknowledging my words with a gesture.
He took himself away before I could think of anything else.
I watched as he motioned sharply to Yumi, who stood on the other side of the room. Before she’d reached him, he’d conveyed part of my instructions via hand signals, the version used only by the ex-Adhipan infiltrators.
Watching the two of them for a moment, I sighed, looking up at Revik.
He returned my look, his clear eyes sharp, a faint smile touching his narrow lips. I could feel he meant the smile to be reassuring, but it wasn’t really. His light grew increasingly distracting again, the longer we stood there, but I couldn’t quite bring myself to let him go. The fact that Balidor managed to worry me about what was going on between the two of us only made me want to hold onto him tighter.
He wrapped his arm around me in the pause, holding me tighter, too.
“Maybe we shouldn’t be around Lily right now,” I said, speaking aloud so we wouldn’t be overheard in the construct. Wrapping my arm around him tighter still, I bit my lip as a pain darted through the center of my chest at my own words. “...Just until we get this sorted out. Just to be safe.”
His arm squeezed me against his side, even as his warmth flooded my light.
I felt the same pain slide through him, though, at the thought of being separated from our daughter again, even if we shared the same Barrier space. Despite all the weirdness in our light, we’d spent as much time as we could with her since we got her out of that tank, whenever we could sneak away from planning meetings and intel debriefings and whatever else.
I knew he hated the idea of losing that so soon.
He didn’t answer me, though.
I knew that probably meant he agreed with what I’d said.
24
BONDAGE
IT WAS AWKWARD, yeah.
We didn’t do it in the bullpen... or the mess hall... but it didn’t feel any less public.
I was a little blown away by just how many people Balidor wanted in on this, and how many eyes and aleimi he wanted staring at me and Revik’s light. I don’t think I realized how much I was shielding from all of them until Balidor pinged me via the construct, clearing his throat as he opened the session.
They didn’t put Revik and me in jump seats or anything, which, I don’t know, might have made it better, or might have made it worse. We all sat around a metal table instead, a smaller one than what lived in the bullpen, although it still took up most of the largest of the three interrogation rooms behind the main security station below deck.
Revik and I sat next to one another, facing the rest of the almost-full table.
I knew why Balidor picked this spot. This room had its own construct, in addition to being housed inside the denser security construct. Still, the whole set-up already felt like an interrogation. Or maybe a job interview.
“Esteemed Bridge?” Balidor motioned towards the general area above my head. “If you would not mind? I’m afraid your blocking skills are better than the infiltration skills of the majority of your team...”
He said the words in his most polite voice.
Because of that, and because of the neutral yet somehow reassuring feel of his light, I could tell that Balidor knew this was awkward for Revik and I. Even so, I glanced at Revik before I complied, my light bordering on apologetic.
&nbs
p; Revik met my gaze, his expression grim.
I knew he could feel me. He knew what I was reluctant to show them.
Realizing that made me realize something else. Revik had been lurking behind my shields, too. He might even have been reinforcing them.
I turned back towards Balidor, still stalling.
“What do you want us to do?” I said. “Just open our light? Focus on that...” I bit my lip, fumbling for words as I made a vague, flowing gesture with one hand. “Err... compulsion thing? Or the structures I added to his light? What?”
Balidor glanced at Tarsi, then at Kali.
Kali looked at Uye, who looked uncomfortable, too. In fact, he looked more than anything like he didn’t want to be there at all.
Tarsi kept her eyes on mine.
I could tell she was scanning me, whatever my blocking might be doing to the rest of the team. After a pause, and without Tarsi ever looking away from me, Balidor nodded in her and Kali’s direction, as if in agreement to something one or both of them had said.
“Yes,” he said, looking back at me. “Yes, Esteemed Bridge. If you could open your light to the rest of us, then concentrate your attentions on the...” He fumbled for words as well, making a similar gesture to the one I’d just made. “...The, ah... sensations the two of you are experiencing, that would be best.”
“We need to see where it’s coming from,” Tarsi added, her clear eyes shifting to Revik’s. “We need to know if it’s only from the two of you, or––”
“––Or elsewhere,” Revik muttered, glancing at me.
Impulsively, I reached for him, wrapping my fingers around his. It wasn’t something I often did around the rest of them, if only because all of the seers on our team had a tendency to be overly interested in what was going on with the two of us, even at normal times. I knew that was a light thing, and had to do with us being prominent as leaders in the construct, but it still made me overly conscious of touching Revik in front of them.
In a few seconds, our privacy was going to be a moot point, though.
I gave a last glance around the table.
I knew Revik wasn’t thrilled with Balidor’s decision to include a few of the people there. Jorag, for one. Balidor wasn’t oblivious to the dynamic there, either––he knew enough to explain the choice to Revik, anyway. He told Revik he’d invited Jorag, along with a few of the other rebels from World War I, to participate as resonance builders in the event this ended up being about Menlim. Wreg and Jorag were the obvious choices, given they had the longest-running connections to both rebellions. Jorag was recruited the same year Revik officially joined, and trained under Menlim and Salinse for over a hundred years, all told.
Allie's War Season Four Page 114