“Apple, it is true that I knew,” her mother said. “But I didn’t go into your room. I didn’t sneak into your diary entries. Hazel told me about the crush.”
Apple knew, by the way her mother was speaking so warily, that she wasn’t lying. Suddenly Apple had a very bad headache. She lay back on her bed.
She never thought the day would come when she would actually want her mother to ask, “How are you feeling? Do you want my advice?” But that’s exactly what she wanted now, more than anything else in the world. She really, truly needed someone’s advice.
s if nothing had happened, Crazy Aunt Hazel was honking at 8 a.m. sharp to take Apple to school.
Not going to school was not an option—Apple’s mother had made that very clear. Now that Apple was grounded, it was the only option. After school, she was to come straight home. There would be no going out, not even for a walk.
“Hi, Apple,” her aunt said breezily when Apple opened the passenger door.
“Don’t ‘hi’ me,” Apple huffed, pulling the seatbelt strap over her body.
“What’s your problem?” Aunt Hazel asked her, checking the rearview mirror and pulling out of the driveway.
“You of all people know perfectly well what my problem is,” Apple retorted.
“I know you’re grounded, but that’s your own doing. Don’t take it out on me” Aunt Hazel said like a child. “I may be crazy, but I’m not crazy enough to do what you did!” She laughed. “Sure, I’ve had my moments, but I’d never pretend to be your mother giving out advice!”
“Ha, ha. I’m so glad you think it’s so funny that my life is ruined. And I only went into her private documents because I thought she was going through mine, thanks to you,” Apple said, looking out the window.
“Oh, God, Apple. You should know your mother better than that. She would never go through people’s things. She respects people’s privacy,” Aunt Hazel said. “She was furious with me for reading your diary. She was livid! But you should know that she’d never do that to you.”
“Yeah, thanks. I know that now. But obviously you don’t! How could you do that to me? How could you go into my private diary?” Apple demanded, turning back to face her aunt.
“Apple, I was concerned,” her aunt told her.
“Right. Whatever,” Apple said sullenly.
“I was! I didn’t mean to pry. But I wanted to update my online dating profile. I think expressing an interest in aerobic striptease was getting me the wrong kind of interest back. I saw a folder called ‘ED,’ on your desktop and I was curious. I didn’t know what ED was. I thought ED was a guy. And you never talk about anything. I just wanted to know what was going on in your life. And then I saw my name on the screen, and when you see your own name, you can’t not read what’s written about you. And, by the way,” she added, “thanks for writing all those very nice things about me. I can’t believe you think I’m so pathetic. I can’t believe you think I throw tantrums! And that I’m a—what was it you wrote?—a reminder of how you don’t want your life to turn out?”
“Well, I was just in a bad mood!” Apple said. “I didn’t really mean it. But you do sometimes act very immaturely.”
“Hey, I’m not the one who screwed things up with my best friend,” Aunt Hazel snapped. “And all for a guy.”
As soon as Hazel brought up Zen, Apple started to cry.
“Oh, honey. Don’t cry. It will all work out,” her aunt said, taking one hand off the wheel to hold Apple’s hand.
“How do you know? How do you know it will all work out?” Apple asked desperately, between sobs.
Her aunt pulled gently on a curl and spoke softly. “Hey, I may be crazy, but I believe that things always happen for a reason. Maybe you had to go through all this to realize that Zen isn’t the right one for you. And maybe this test will make your friendship with Happy stronger—in the long run. It might bring you closer.”
“You really think so?” Apple asked through her tears, with a glimmer of hope.
“Oh, honey, what do I know? I’m just a walking, breathing memo reminding you how you don’t want your life to end up, or so I’ve read.” Hazel sighed.
“But what am I going to do? What am I going to do? Happy is so mad at me. Zen is so mad at me. My mother is so mad at me. I’ve ruined everything,” Apple cried.
“You are going to walk into that school, holding your head up high,” her aunt said, pointing up the street to Cactus High.
Apple couldn’t look. “How can I? Everyone probably knows what I’ve done. Everyone probably hates me now. Happy does. And Zen does. And, who knows, Brooklyn probably is mad at me too, because I did something so bad for my soul or something.”
“This is something you learn with age,” Crazy Aunt Hazel said as she pulled up in front of the school. “And I want you to listen to this, even if you don’t listen to me about anything else ever again. No one cares about you as much as you think they do. Trust me, they all have their own problems. They’re not going to be focusing on yours. I bet ninety percent of the students in your school like someone who doesn’t like them back. They’re too wrapped up in their own problems to concentrate on what you did. Even though what you did was fairly rotten, most people screw up and make mistakes and hurt the people they love the most at some time. The most important thing is not to give up on relationships or friendships, even if it means getting snubbed or being embarrassed sometimes.”
Apple looked gratefully at her aunt before taking a deep breath and getting out of the car. Aunt Hazel was mostly flaky, but sometimes she was also rather wise.
Feeling nervous, Apple walked through the school doors. She stopped just inside and looked over at the spiral staircase. Zen and Happy were there, along with Brooklyn and a couple of other students.
Apple knew there was no way she could walk up to them. What if she did and they saw her and turned away? She couldn’t even think about that. She was not brave enough—not yet. So she turned and walked quickly in the opposite direction, to the washroom. She busied herself, pretending to fix her makeup and hair, for the ten minutes until the first bell rang, waited until the halls cleared, just to make sure she would not run into Zen or Happy or anyone else who might know what she had done, then raced to math class.
She stopped outside the door, took another deep breath, and walked into Mr. Kelly’s class to her seat next to Happy. Happy did not look over at her once, for the entire hour, not even a sideways glance. When Happy put her mind to do something, she did it. When she said their friendship was over, Apple cried inwardly, she must have really meant it.
It was the most painfully long day at school.
Apple walked home after school feeling miserable. Not even the beautiful scenery could cheer her up today. Once at home, she fixed herself a sandwich—Cheerios on peanut butter, something that usually cheered her up, at least a little.
“Hellooo? Hellooo?” Guy sing-songed, sashaying into the kitchen.
“Oh, hey,” Apple said, wiping her mouth.
“Hey to you,” Guy said back, then stopped and looked her up and down. “What is up with you, girl? You look like crap.”
“Thanks,” Apple said. She knew she looked bad. But it was nothing compared to how she felt inside.
“Guy’s sorry, but you do. You look all pale, and you have Louis Vuitton large bags under your eyes. Are you coming down with something?” he asked.
“Because if you are, stay away from Guy! Guy so cannot get sick right now. What’s making you ill, little one?”
“Just life,” Apple said, hiding her face behind her hair.
“Ah, that disease,” Guy mocked. He paused. “Have you talked to your mother?”
“No, why?” Apple asked.
“Just that I haven’t spoken to her since early this morning,” Guy said, actually sounding concerned.
“That’s weird. Haven’t you seen her today? I mean, don’t you guys talk like 128 times a day?” Apple said, putting her plate in the dishwasher.
“Hear what big news?” Apple said, looking up at Guy. “What news?”
“That your mother has taken off like a bird,” Guy said, fluttering his arms.
“What do you mean?” Apple asked, alarmed.
“She went on a romantic two-day getaway to Las Vegas.”
“Oh my God! She ran away?” Apple asked, jumping up from her chair.
“She ran away with your father. She came to the office this morning and said, ‘I think I’m going to go away with my husband.’ Isn’t that romantic? And then she kissed me on the cheek and walked out the door.”
“They did what?” Apple exclaimed. “But what about the show?”
“Don’t worry, we have those follow-up shows in the bank ready to go in case of emergency,” Guy said.
“I can’t believe it! Are you positive?” Apple asked again. “She just took off?”
“I know! Guy was a little worried. Actually, Guy was very worried. Your mother hates not being in the studio. But she was very adamant about it. She said, ‘Just air the follow-up shows. I’m going away with my husband.’ And I haven’t heard from her since!”
“But I’m grounded!” Apple said. “How can she ground me and then take off to Vegas?”
“Oh, Apple. What have you done?” Guy said.
“Nothing. I don’t want to talk about it. I mean, let’s check the machine. Maybe Mom left a phone message.”
Apple raced to the phone and dialed in the pass code.
“You have three new messages,” the automated voice said. “First message.”
Apple heard her mother’s voice. “Hey, honey. It’s Mom. Your dad and I are leaving town for a couple of days. I think this is just what we need. Hazel will be coming over and staying with you. Remember, you’re still grounded, so no funny business—school, home, school, home. We’re trusting you to be responsible about this.” Her mother left the hotel room and number, ending the message with “If you need anything, just call. And Apple? I love you.”
Apple gulped.
The second message was from her father. “Hey, kiddo. It’s your dad. Just calling to let you know that your mom and I are taking a last-minute flight to Vegas. So don’t worry if you don’t hear from me. I’ll put $100 on red for you. Speak to you soon, honey. I love you.”
The third message was from her aunt. “Yo! This walking reminder of how you don’t want your life to end up will be coming over to stay with you tonight and tomorrow night while your parents go do naughty things in Vegas. I’ll be by around nine, after my date. Wish me luck! Actually, pray for me. But I’m supposed to be watching you, so if your mother calls, just say I’m in the washroom and I’ll call her back.”
Apple put down the phone. It was true. Her parents had gone away together for a romantic getaway. And Crazy Aunt Hazel’s strike against men was officially over. She was going on a date after all.
“So?” Guy said. “Was there a message from her?”
“You’re right,” Apple said, shaking her head in disbelief. “They went to Las Vegas. Las Vegas! I can’t believe it! It’s so unlike them!”
“Guy knows. Guy doesn’t know what got into your mother. But suddenly she became very passionate about your dad. Did she mention anything about the show?”
“No. She didn’t. That’s so weird too.” She looked at Guy. “I mean, usually all she can talk about is the show. She didn’t even ask me if I needed her advice about anything. She didn’t even ask how I was feeling. Should I be worried?” Apple asked, troubled.
“We should all be worried. Guy can’t believe she didn’t say anything about the show! And it’s going to be a good one on Monday. You’ll never guess who’s going to be a guest!”
“I’m sure I won’t,” Apple said.
“You want a hint? You know one of the guests who’s coming on!” Guy said.
“I do?”
“Yes! But I just got off the phone with her moments ago, which is why she probably hasn’t told you yet,” Guy said.
“You can’t believe who didn’t tell me what?” Apple asked.
“Happy!”
“What are you talking about?” Apple said, alarmed.
“Happy is going to be a guest on Queen of Hearts with Dr. Bee Bee Berg She is just too excited. It’s so cute. Guy adores getting young people on the show. It brings a whole new, je ne sais quoi life to the show. You know what Guy means?” He clapped his hands gleefully.
“I do not know what you mean. What are you talking about? Why is Happy going on my mother’s show? How can this be happening?” Apple groaned, a scowl forming on her face as she sank into a chair.
“Oh, don’t be upset, Apple, that she didn’t tell you. I’m sure she’s going to. It all was just finalized like twenty minutes ago. That’s why Guy was so excited to tell your mother. Guy just had to race over to see if she left me any last-minute notes in the office. Happy is probably just overwhelmed right now thinking about what she’s going to wear!” Guy said.
“I can’t believe this,” Apple moaned.
“What? You’re not jealous, are you?”
“Oh, God, no! I just don’t want to talk about it.”
“Do you want Guy to give you a hug? Would that make you feel better?” he asked, pulling her into a hug before she could answer.
Apple was grateful to her mother for not telling Guy anything about her falling out with Happy. She didn’t want to explain to anyone else what she had done, or why she had done it. She untangled herself from Guy’s embrace. It hadn’t helped.
“So … what is the show’s topic?” Apple asked fretfully. “What exactly is Happy going to talk about?”
“It’s about relationship sabotaging. Well, relationship sabotaging part five or ten. We’ve done a lot of that show. Guy’s lost count of how many. We do the show every season. People just love it. You know, everyone can relate to it.”
“Why would Happy go on television in front of a million viewers to talk about that?” Apple asked.
“Sweetie, it’s more like 10 million viewers. It was all last-minute. Guy was booking guests, because, thanks to your mother suddenly taking off, all was left on Guy’s shoulders. And Guy’s rude guest for Monday bailed on him last minute. I should have figured as much. The show was going to be about men who have gone AWOL on their relationships. This guy, our main guy, was dating someone for two years and then suddenly just stopped calling and returning calls. He just disappeared from the relationship. Poof! Gone! Remind Guy never to rely on men who go AWOL on their relationships ever again,” Guy said.
“Guy! Focus, please! Happy!” Apple said, jumping up and grabbing Guy by his slippery silk-shirted shoulders.
“Right. So anyway, just as Guy was freaking out with a capital F, wondering how he was going to get a last-minute guest to fill up Monday’s spot, an e-mail—a very nice and literate e-mail, Guy might add—arrived in his inbox, from Happy. You know, she’s quite articulate. She’s got beauty and brains, that one. You’re lucky to have such a good friend like that.”
I was, Apple thought, despondently.
“And then what happened?” Apple pushed.
“Well, Happy suggested that The Queen of Hearts has such a huge following among teenagers that we should do a show specifically on teenagers. Don’t you think that’s such a good idea? It’s brilliant. And she offered herself up as a guest. Guy booked her, without even asking her what she could talk about, because she was so convincing. Also, Guy was in a bit of a panic to come up with a show. But then it came out that she just had this awful thing happen to her. A friend of hers tried to wreck her romance, and just before the Valentine Ball! Can you believe it? Anyway, Apple, isn’t that fantastic? I mean, not for Happy, but for the show. Do you know that girl she’s talking about?”
“Um, no,” Apple said. She couldn’t tell Guy. “I mean, I’m sure she’ll tell me when we talk,” she lied.
Apple was mortified. How
could Happy do this to her? Oh, right. Why wouldn’t Happy do this to her?
“Don’t you have to run these things by my mother?” Apple asked. “I mean, doesn’t she need to know who the guests are going to be?”
Guy laughed. “Of course not! She trusts Guy to book the guests. She trusts Guy with everything.”
“I think you should call her and tell her,” Apple said. Maybe if her mother heard that Happy was going on her show to talk about relationship sabotaging, she would put her foot down and try to save Apple, her only child, from national mortification.
“Are you kidding me?” exclaimed Guy. “And disturb her romantic getaway with your father? No way. You know, Apple, Guy shouldn’t be telling you this, but Guy really thinks this getaway is just the thing they need to get their marriage back on track. You might think that they have the perfect relationship, but even your mother and father need to make an effort sometimes. Even the Queen of Hearts could use some relationship therapy. You should have seen your father when he came to pick her up to go to the airport. He looked twenty years younger! So, no, Guy will not be disturbing them over this. And neither will you,” he added pointedly.
It was true—this was her parents’ first getaway in years. And Apple just couldn’t break her father’s heart by getting her mother to talk about work on their weekend away together. Especially not after Dr. Bee Bee Berg had actually listened to Apple’s thoughts on her marriage and was now trying to put effort into it.
“So are you going to find out from Happy exactly what she plans to say on the show?” Apple asked Guy. “I mean, don’t you pre-interview your guests?”
“Sometimes,” Guy answered. “But usually it’s better to not rehearse what they’re planning to say. It ruins the spontaneity. We’ll just get Happy to tell her story. You know, this could be Happy’s big break! Didn’t you say she always wanted to be an actress?”
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