by Rob Harrell
When we finished, Redbeard just stared. Roquefort piped up.
Redbeard waved a dirty hand. “Silence! I couldn’t give two rats about yer royal . . . ridiculousness.” He turned to Kevin and leaned forward. “Pig. This troll an’ the clown . . . they tellin’ the truth?”
Kev started nodding like a bobblehead doll. “I swear they are. I give you my word as a . . . as a Cotswin Middle School Prancing Knight.”
Redbeard jerked. It was like someone had jabbed him with a cattle prod. His eyes got wide and started darting back and forth between us. “Wait. What did you say?”
Kevin swallowed hard and looked over at me. I started stammering, worried they thought we were military.
“That’s our school mascot! The Prancing Knights. I know, it’s a horrible mascot name, but they’ve been trying to get it changed, and . . .”
Redbeard looked at Kevin. “Just . . . hold on. Did you say Cotswin?”
He squeaked out an answer. “Yessir. Cotswin Middle School. In the Village of Cotswin.”
Roquefort started up again. “Right. Of which I am THE PRINCE and—”
Redbeard shushed Roquefort again and paced the front stoop for a moment. He was really worked up about something. He was muttering and seemed to be having some kind of argument with himself, before he walked up and stood right in front of me.
• 18 •
SECRETS AND LIES
My troll brain sputtered, overheated, and stalled like an old car. Had I heard that right??
“D-did you say . . . umm . . .?”
Redbeard grabbed my shoulders. “Sierra Scarlet! Do you know her?”
I immediately went into protective mode. I didn’t like the idea of this mangy pirate even knowing Sierra’s name.
“Si—Sierra? Scarlet, you say?? Hmm. No, I don’t . . . I don’t think I know such a person. If she even exists.”
Redbeard gently squeezed my arm. “She’s not in danger, I give you my—”
Roquefort stood up. “He’s stalling! He’s practically dating her. Or he’d like to think so.”
Redbeard looked me in the eyes and I saw something soften in his eyes. That sounds like mumbo jumbo when you read it in a book, but it’s true. Something in those eyes relaxed.
Redbeard reached up and, in one quick move, pulled off his hat, wig, and scraggly red beard, revealing a woman underneath. I must have staggered backward, because I felt someone’s hand steady me.
Along with the beard, the rough, scratchy voice was gone—just like that.
Now there were tears in her eyes.
I caught my breath. “Um, she’s . . . she’s good. Great, even. But I don’t understand what’s . . .”
I was stunned. And really, really confused. I looked around at Kevin and Chester, who seemed just as dazed as I felt. I spotted the leaf-eating bear, dabbing at his eyes with a handkerchief.
I turned back as Redbeard was removing her coat. But it was more than a coat. It was a thickly stuffed costume coat, which had almost tripled her size.
Her eyes went wide, and I could see panic in them. “How do you know that? Do the people back home know??”
She clapped her hands and called out to the pirates.
“Okay, gang. Here’s what’s happening. I’m going to go for a walk with . . . um . . .” She looked over at me.
“Zarf.”
“I’m going for a walk with our new friend Zarf here. We’ve got a few things to discuss.”
As she took off the rest of her Redbeard costume, she told the pirates to “drop the act” and prepare a feast for their new guests.
“Go all out, okay? I’m talking the works.”
The pirates looked like excited kids as they sprang into action. Red led me off down a path behind her hut. I looked back to see an elf pirate smiling and offering Kevin a huge cup full of punch.
The path curved around to a beach, where we climbed a grassy hill to a rocky spot overlooking the water. We sat down with our backs to a bush full of big tropical flowers.
“How do you know who I am? Did Sierra tell you alone? Or is her secret out?”
“Well . . .” I wasn’t sure where to start. “Yeah. Everybody knows.”
The color drained from Red’s (Mrs. Ridinghood’s?) face. “Oh, no. No no no.” She was starting to breathe hard. “When the stupid Big Bad Wolf finds out, he’s gonna make a beeline—”
I cut her off. “It’s okay! He’s in jail. We all thought he was dead, and he wasn’t . . . But we took care of him . . . and the rest of the wolves sorta scattered in the wind.”
Red stared back at me for long enough that I started to get uncomfortable. “How?”
I gave her a quick version of the story. How word had gotten out. The wolves taking over Littlepig Manor. How Sierra and I, along with our friends, had stopped Big Bad. Red was delighted by the story and stopped me several times to ask for juicier details.
Red was looking out at the waves smiling when I felt something tugging at my leaf hair. I jumped and twisted around. One of the blooms on the bush was chewing at my hair vines.
Red reached over and swatted the flower. “Sorry. Nibble Blossoms. I should have found a better place to sit.”
The flower shrank back into the bush like it was sulking. “Oh, and one of the guys back there is a wizard. He can fix . . . all that. Your hair.”
Then she fell quiet again for a while. I sat there watching seagulls fly by, enjoying the wind in my leaves. When Sierra’s mom spoke again, it was almost a whisper.
“So . . . I can go home. I can see my daughter.” She dabbed at her eyes with her sleeve. “This whole thing, Zarf—the island, the big scary pirate goof, the Redbeard stuff—it was all to keep her safe. To keep the wolves at bay . . . throw them off the scent. I needed people to think she and I were dead.”
This was making my head hurt. “But . . . I mean . . . you really are kind of a pirate now, aren’t you?”
Red let out a burst of laughter that sounded exactly like Sierra. “HA! Not hardly.” She grabbed my arm. “Those skulls and bones are plastic. I’m surprised you couldn’t see the seams. And most of those ‘pirates’ down there just come out here for a couple of months at a time. It’s like pirate fantasy camp.”
My troll brain was struggling. “But . . . what about Captain Gerome?”
She smiled. “Gerome’s an accountant ten months of the year. He just likes to come out here and blow off some steam—act all fierce after tax season.”
“They’re a sweet bunch, really. They all know my real Ridinghood identity. I just need them to act tough, fire some cannons to scare ships from time to time . . . and go home and spread rumors about the awful horrible Redbeard the pirate so people don’t come sniffing around.”
I shook my head. “Redbeard the Unapproachable.”
She chuckled. “Is that what they call me?”
She stood up and gave me her hand. “Here’s what we’ll do, Mr. Zarf. We’re gonna get some food in you all, and in the morning we’re gonna hightail it for Notswin.” She was beaming with excitement. “I have a daughter to see.”
We started down the hill to the beach, and I asked her the question that was nagging at the back of my brain. “About the, um . . . sea witch. We took some beans. Is that really as big a deal as we were told? Is she gonna . . .”
Red hopped the last few feet to the beach. “Well, it’s not nothing. But don’t you worry your leafy little head about it. I’ll take care of the sea witch.”
• 19 •
HAIR TODAY GONE TOMORROW
As we made our way around the path, I heard music and chatter coming from the pirate village, followed by a huge burst of laughter. It sounded like the party was in full swing. I stepped into the village wondering what was so funny.
Chester was sitting on an old rum barrel telling a story, surrounded by the m
angy-looking fake pirates. They were completely absorbed in his tale, and broke into loud laughter again as I stepped up.
The bear from earlier was wiping his eyes from laughing.
He put his paw on my shoulder and leaned in. “Listen. I hope there’s no hard feelings about earlier. We put up a prickly front until we know everything’s cool. Can’t be too safe when it comes to covering Red’s tracks.”
I assured him it was fine, and he went on to tell me he was a retired high school chemistry teacher.
When I asked about the whole eating-my-hair thing, he looked kind of embarrassed and confessed that they’d been on the boat a long time and he really had been craving some greens.
I found Kevin at an old picnic table going to town on a huge plate of mutton. He smiled a big greasy smile when he saw me, but kept eating.
I sat down across from him and stuffed a big juicy bite in my mouth.
“Can you imagine the look on Sierra’s face?”
Kevin shook his head and laughed through a mouthful of food.
Roquefort and Trunk were sitting on the front porch of one of the homes, sullenly picking at their bowls of food and watching the festivities. The prince saw me watching him and made an obscene gesture.
Chester came panting up to the table like an overexcited puppy.
“You were so right, Zarf! I haven’t told a single jokey joke and they can’t get enough!” He grabbed a hunk of mutton—despite Kevin trying to swat his hand away—and made his way back into the party.
Red walked up with an old guy with a long white beard who looked like he’d been into the rum.
“Zarf, this is the wizard I was telling you about—Ferlin.”
He started inspecting my leafy hair, making interested “Hmmm” sounds. Finally he got a big grin on his face and tapped the side of his head. “Aha. Yep. I know whatcha need ta get fuzzy again. Got just the thing. An’ for that brat with the broccoli legs too. Don’t go anywhere.” He shuffled off toward one of the huts.
Red and I walked over to Roquefort and Trunk. When we stepped onto the porch, the prince sniffed and looked away, annoyed.
Red took two steps and kicked the back leg of Roquefort’s chair out from under him. He slammed to the floor with his big green legs flailing. Trunk jumped up, ready to do his bodyguard thing until Red put a finger to his chest, the other pointed down at the sputtering prince. I’d seen that sudden fire in the eyes before—in Sierra.
“Listen up, you little toad. I may not have been born a pirate, but I’ve taken to it like a natural—so you might not wanna test me. I’ve had enough of your snotty little royal attitude. I’m trying to help you, but right now I’d rather put you right back out to sea.”
Roquefort’s mouth kept opening and closing like a fish gulping air. Trunk backed up two steps and raised his paws.
Red grabbed Roquefort by the arm and helped him to his stalks.
“A friend of mine is gonna come over and fix your legs, and I suggest you treat him with respect. One word from me and he’ll turn your top half into a stick of asparagus as well. Got it?”
Roquefort nodded, though you could see the anger seething behind his eyes. Red turned and gave me a quick wink and a smile. As she strolled away, she yelled back over her shoulder, “We set sail at dawn.”
Roquefort’s face turned beet red and he started shaking. Then he let out a string of loud curses, spun around a few times, and started kicking the side of the hut with his stalks. It was really something to see.
By the time Ferlin arrived with a beat-up old JanSport backpack full of small bottles and vials, the prince had pretty much worn himself out.
After digging around in his pack for a few minutes, he brightened, handed us each a bottle, and told us to gulp ’em down. I already had mine to my lips when Ferlin’s eyes went wide. “WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!! SWITCH THOSE!”
I looked down at my bottle, a little freaked out, before handing it to Roquefort. He handed me his, eyeing the wizard suspiciously.
Ferlin let out a loud laugh. “Nothin’ good, that’s fer sure! Am I right? HA-HA-HA! I got bottles in here that’d do all kindsa awful business!”
I stared at the strange old man, alarmed, before gulping down the bitter liquid. Then I sat down and waited, my confidence in him a bit shaken. But a few moments later, my entire body started itching like it was covered with Itchy-Awful Worms.
I curled up in a ball and started scratching away at my vine ears and scalp. It felt like they were on fire until, right under my paws, I felt the leaves change. They stretched out thinner and thinner until I was scratching away at a head of normal troll hair. I felt for the vine ears, but they were gone—replaced once again with my old floppy ones.
I’d never been so happy to feel those big dumb ears in my life.
I looked up and saw the prince glaring down at his once again stubby little human legs. He didn’t look happy.
• 20 •
MORE WATER
The party went well into the night. There was a limbo competition and a few heated matches of “Pin the Butt on the Snuffweasel.” Chester and Kevin and I decided to call it a night when one of the pirates wanted to play “Spin the Peg Leg.”
The next thing I knew, the bear pirate was waking us up.
“Rise and shine, mates. I was s’posed ta bring ya breakfast in bed, but I . . . I ate it.”
There was a lot of moaning and sighing as we pulled on our filthy clothes, but we eventually emerged from the hut—as ready to go as we were going to be.
On the ship, we all stood off to the side with Roquefort and Trunk while the crew bustled around us. Supplies and huge coils of rope were hauled on board while they belted out pirate songs and sea chanteys.
The sun was barely over the horizon when our ship backed away from the dock. Kevin was loaded up on Dramamine and an anti-nausea potion Ferlin had given him.
I was watching Dragon Noggin Island grow smaller behind us when Red stepped up.
“Okay, gentlemen. This trip’ll take a day or so if we really put the pedal down. Up for doing a couple hours of work?”
Roquefort made a disgusted noise.
Red stared at the prince. “Fine, Your Royalness. You get the choicest job of all.” She pointed over at a huge pile of chamber pots. “I need you to scrub all of those out. And it’s been a while, so you might need a chisel.”
Roquefort swooned and looked like he might pass out. Red signaled an elf pirate, who led the stunned prince and ogre off to their duties.
Red turned to us. “Chester, this is tough, but I’m gonna need you to hang out down in the kitchen and keep the crew’s spirits up. A few of your stories should do the trick.”
She went on. “And Kevin? I’m so sorry, but I have several sacks of mutton jerky down there. I need you to test it for quality.”
A huge smile spread across Kev’s face and he started rubbing his hooves together.
Red walked me over to help her steer the ship. We climbed some steps and she grabbed the big wheel. “I really just thought this would give us a chance to talk more.”
I looked down at the deck to where the prince was on his hands and knees scrubbing a pot. He paused for a second and made a loud gagging noise.
Red laughed. “I kinda thought you’d enjoy the view too.”
A gust of salty wind came along and blew through my hair. Nothing but blue skies and calm seas stretched out before us. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, taking in the moment. When I opened them, Red had hers closed as well.
A few minutes later, Red snapped out of it—like coming out of a dream—and turned to me. “So, you’re probably wondering how a mother could leave her daughter for this long, huh?”
I was caught off guard. I’d actually been thinking about nachos.
“What? No! I mean, you had your reasons.”
Red sta
red at the boards of the deck for a while before responding. “It was bad after my run-in with the wolf. Really bad. Big Bad almost got me on a number of occasions.” She absentmindedly rubbed at a faint pink scar running the length of her arm. “It was no life for a young girl, no matter how well I trained her.” She cleared her throat.
I looked up and realized she had tears in her eyes. I looked away.
Red wiped a tear from her eye and let out a choked laugh. “Some big nasty pirate I turned out to be, huh? Blubbering up a storm.”
I smiled and lightly patted her on the back, hoping that was the right thing to do.
Red put her arm around me and pulled me in tight. “You’re a good guy, Zarf. You’re all right in my book.”
She let me take the wheel while we talked about Sierra. She had about a million questions, and it was a pretty easy topic for me to go on about. We were both laughing when Kevin and Chester walked up.
Chester—being a boat guy—jumped at Red’s offer to steer the ship, while Kev said he was just going to go hang by the railing. I thought he was getting sick until he grabbed a pair of binoculars and started scanning the waters—more lovesick than seasick.