I don’t want this, not with Sasha anyway. The thought of it makes me sick to the stomach. I can only blame myself though, I took the piss and shagged around for years so it was only a matter of time before it came back to bite me on the arse.
Rosie was right, there does always seem to be something trying to tear us apart but I’m determined to not let that happen. Pippa brought a card around when we moved in and we apologised to each other for what happened. I bought her some flowers and promised that I’ll do whatever I can to protect Rosie from further heartbreak. She’s still not happy that Rosie has to watch another woman have my child, but she’s trying to support us both through it.
Rosie and I have both tried to throw ourselves into work and sorting the apartment out and that has been great. The best part for me is waking up every day with Rosie next to me and knowing that she’s not going anywhere. We’re still living out of boxes but we get a bit unpacked each day, we’re getting there.
Rosie’s just using a walking stick now. She doesn’t need it all the time but the doctors have told her to keep it with her when she’s out and about in case she gets tired or sore and needs some support. She’s keeping up with her physiotherapy and is getting stronger by the day.
“Babe, are you going to the kitchen?” Rosie asks as I push myself up from the dining table where we’re both working. We have got a room that will be a joint office but at the moment, it’s full of boxes and bin liners full of clothes.
“I can do, what are you after?” Rosie smiles sweetly, “Coffee, if you don’t mind. I’m shattered!” Hearing her admit her tiredness breaks my heart when I’m the reason she’s being kept awake at night, and not in a good way.
“Ok, are you hungry?” I may as well make some lunch while I’m in there I guess, “Erm yeah I am actu…” Her voice trails off as my phone starts to ring and the mood changes as we both spot the name flashing on screen, Sasha.
“Hi Sash.” I answer unenthusiastically, this is the third call in two days.
“Jackson, I really need your help. The light bulb has gone in the spare room and I am scared of falling off the step ladder.”
“Sasha, it’s two in the afternoon and you don’t use your spare room. How is that an emergency?”
“Well it’s going to be the nursery so I need to be able to see what I’m doing in there. Rosie won’t mind you popping over.” She is almost pleading with me, but this is just the next in a long list of attempts to get me to go to her flat over the past few weeks.
“I’m not coming over to change a light bulb Sasha, it can wait. The baby won’t be in there for a couple of months anyway!” I head into the kitchen to try and get out of Rosie’s earshot. “Sash, you need to stop this. We will support the baby, we’ve told you that, but you’re pushing your luck with Rosie now. You may be having my child but we’re not in a relationship Sasha, it’s not my responsibility to be at your beck and call!”
I feel like a prick but when I notice Rosie smiling shyly at her laptop I am certain she’s heard me, and certain I’ve said the right thing.
“You knocked me up Jackson; you could be a little nicer!”
“You took seven months to even tell me Sasha, give me a break for fucks sake!” I hang up and silence my phone; it needs to just be Rosie and me now. I wish that could always be the case.
“One hot steaming coffee and one ham salad sandwich m’lady!” I place Rosie’s lunch down on the dining table and she takes hold of my hand as she smiles up at me.
“Thank you Jackson, for everything.”
I lean down and kiss her on the forehead and she looks up at me through her lashes, oh I wish she wouldn’t do that!
“You’re welcome gorgeous girl. I’m going to go for a run ok?” She shakes her head and rolls her eyes at me, “Jackson James, you can’t keep going to work out every time you feel a bit horny. I’m fine! I can’t stand not making love to you!” Her voice trails into a whimper as she pouts with her last words.
It’s been almost five weeks since we’ve had sex and it’s killing me, but something just keeps stopping me from being able to do it. I don’t want to hurt her, and I feel like sex has caused so many problems for us lately, I guess I’m just scared.
“Rosie, I want us to get back on track, I do, and we will. I just need to get my head straight. I miss you too but it just doesn’t feel right at the minute.” I don’t think it will while she’s still crying at night.
Considering that she hasn’t been able to exercise like she normally does, Rosie has lost a lot of weight these last few weeks. Her appetite hasn’t been great and the lack of sleep shows on her face. She’s still the most beautiful woman in the world to me but I want my curvy, vivacious girl back.
“I’ll be back soon angel, I love you!”
Rosie shakes her head as I head into the bedroom to get changed but doesn’t say anything to stop me.
Running always gives me the opportunity to clear my head. I don’t know if it’s the rhythm of my feet pounding the pavement or the control of my breathing but it’s like meditation for me, the chance to separate all the jumbled thoughts floating around my head.
I’ve had so much to think about lately that I’ve been running more than I ever have, and for longer. I know that Rosie needs me but I’m not sure how to be there for her. I feel like everything I touch turns to shit. Since I met her she’s had so much hurt and stress to cope with. How can I be the one to soothe her if I’m the cause?
Before long I find myself at Rafe’s. The café is closed on Sundays but I could really do with a friend right now so I head round to the back of the café and make my way up to the flat.
“Oh shit, sorry is this a bad time?” I ask as a breathless, sweaty and shirtless Rafe answers the door. I feel like I’m interrupting something, “No course not, there’s always room for a little one!” He grins with a wink and I blush slightly, not quite sure how to respond, “Jackson, I’m winding you up. We’re just doing some circuits. Come in!”
I laugh as I step inside the flat. Rafe heads into the kitchen to put some coffee on and Matthew sits up from his crunches to say hello.
“Alright? We weren’t expecting you today, is Rosie with you?” He gets up to grab some water and I shake my head, scratching the back of it and ringing alarm bells with Rafe. He turns around after filling and switching on the coffee machine.
“What’s wrong Jackson? Is Rosie ok?”
I take a deep breath. Nobody but Pippa knows anything about Sasha and the baby. They think everything is perfect between Rosie and me. She’s recovering well, we’re setting really well into the new apartment and we’re coming to terms with the fact that she was pregnant, and that she lost it. But I can’t cope with bottling it all up anymore.
“You can’t tell your parents any of this Rafe. Rosie doesn’t want to worry anyone but I need to get all this off my chest!”
“You’re worrying me now mate, start talking!”
Rafe is getting annoyed and I take a seat next to Matthew at the breakfast bar. I take another breath, “Well, I’m going to be a dad.” I’m looking downward and as the words leave my mouth I’m rendered momentarily dumb, I can’t say anymore.
“Rosie’s pregnant? So soon, is that safe?” Rafe is leaning forward now, his hands on the breakfast bar, “Jackson!?”
“Rosie isn’t pregnant Rafe, Sasha is!”
After throwing his coffee cup at the wall, and having to be restrained by Matthew, Rafe finally calmed down enough to let me explain. By the end of it he was threatening to go and get Rosie and make her move in with him and Matthew. He understood that I hadn’t cheated and that I knew nothing about it, but his concern for Rosie outweighed his rationality.
“Rafe fuck off! She’s not going anywhere. It was her decision that we’d face this together!”
Rafe shakes his head and breathes in deeply through his nose, “Jackson, I think the world of you mate but she’s had nothing but shit to deal with since she met you!”
“Rafael, that’s not fair!” Matthew tries to defend me, “They’ve had a bad run of luck but it’s not all Jackson’s fault and you know that. Rosie is a big girl and can make her own decisions so calm down!”
The effect that he has on his husband is incredible; Rafe takes a deep breath and smiles shyly at Matthew, shaking his head slowly before turning to me.
“Come on then, you can’t have come all the way here just to tell us that. What else is going on?”
Rafe and Matthew let me talk for as long as I need to. I tell them all about Rosie crying at night, and that I can’t bring myself to have sex with her. I tell them that I know how much she needs me but that I don’t know how to be there for her.
I tell them that I don’t want this baby and that it’s breaking my heart to know that Rosie won’t be the mother of my first born.
When I start to tell them that I think I should leave Rosie so that she can be free from all this shit my voice shakes. I can hear it crack as the lump forms in my throat. I go on to tell them about how sad Rosie’s face looks every day, especially when she puts her hand on her stomach and I feel my heart break. I can’t hold back the tears as I see her face in my mind; I am crying, and unable to stop.
I’ve been at Rafe and Matthew’s for a couple of hours. I’ve been shouted at and shouted back, talked a lot and cried. I’m not embarrassed, these are two of the best blokes you could wish to meet and they just let me do what I need to do. When I composed myself all I got was a comforting hand on the shoulder from Matthew and a look from Rafe that told me all I needed to know. Rosie and I are meant for each other and we can overcome anything.
We’ve talked a lot about ways that I can try and be there for Rosie. Matthew told me about a cottage in The Lake District that he and Rafe spent a long weekend at. After looking at the pictures on the internet and daydreaming about the bliss of complete isolation, I gave the owners a call and booked it for a week. I thought I’d have to wait until the turnover next weekend but she said it’s empty for the next few weeks, so we can have it anytime. I’ll tell Rosie tomorrow and we’ll go on Tuesday.
“Come on mate, I’ll take you home!” Matthew takes pity on me and saves me from having to run home after the last couple of hours.
“Thank you both. I’m sorry for all the shit I’ve caused.”
“Don’t Jackson! Just go and be with her. I know how you feel about her!” Rafe shakes my hand and I follow Matthew down to the car.
CHAPTER FOUR
Jackson’s been gone hours.
I’ve unpacked half of the boxes while he’s been gone, and despite knowing that I shouldn’t have I’ve started to put the office together. Jackson will kill me when he sees that I’ve built the desk without him there to help me, I’m nowhere near as mobile as I used to be.
I’m not sure if Jackson is my fiancé or my carer lately. We don’t have sex, he hardly ever touches me unless it’s because he thinks I’m about to fall or that I need carrying from the sofa to bed. I keep telling him to back off but I’m sure he thinks I’m a complete invalid, I know that he blames himself for my accident but I’m the one who stepped out in front of a car, he didn’t push me!
I know that I look tired, I’m thin as well. Jackson loves my body or he used to at least, but now he can’t bring himself to touch me. He sleeps in boxer shorts these days and I’ve taken to wearing pyjamas. Feeling that he’s repulsed by me is too much to bear.
He keeps trying to reassure me that he still thinks I’m beautiful, but if that’s the case why won’t he touch me. He won’t even have a bath with me, and we used to do that all the time. I see him every day but I miss him so much.
I tighten my robe around me as the door opens.
“Rosie, you’re not supposed to go in the shower if you’re on your own!”
“I’m not a fucking invalid Jackson!” I snap. His concern is starting to piss me off now, “I’m fine as you can quite clearly see, and I wouldn’t have had to if you hadn’t been gone so long. Where have you been? You can’t have been running for this long!”
“I went to your brother’s Rosie; I just needed a bloke to talk to!” He looks sheepish, “You told Rafe about Sasha didn’t you?” I don’t wait for an answer, “Oh god Jackson, I didn’t want that, you know I didn’t!” I sit of the sofa and put my head in my hands.
“I know Rosie and I’m sorry but they were going to find out eventually. He promised not to tell your parents, but they’ll need to know too at some point. I just needed a mate Rosie, or two!”
Jackson sits next to me on the sofa and despite my annoyance, I do understand where he’s coming from. I’ve had Pippa to vent to, he’s had nobody but me and there’s only so much we can say to each other without it becoming a row.
“Sasha called me. She said you weren’t answering your phone, which by the way you weren’t!” I smile up at him so that he knows I’m not having a go, he groans at the mention of her name, “What now?” he sounds exhausted, “I don’t know. She would prefer to discuss it with you apparently. I told her you were at the gym.” Jackson leans in and kisses my temple before heading into the bedroom. I know he’s gone to call her back, I hate that he’s out of earshot but I know he’s trying to shield me from as much as he can.
“Mmm! Baby that smells great, what is it?” A freshly showered and shirtless Jackson has joined me in the kitchen.
“Lamb Tagine, I didn’t fancy a roast dinner. That’s very distracting James!”
I flick my eyes from his chest to his eyes and back to the food. He grins; I haven’t seen that cheeky grin in so long that I feel like I might collapse, “What is?” He grins again, “You know full well!” I say as I roll my eyes and wave the wooden spatula at his chest with a smile, “Now get out of my kitchen before I let this dinner burn and ravish you!”
He smiles this time, not the naughty grin that I was hoping for. For a moment I thought we were turning a corner but now he seems to be clamming up again. To my surprise, Jackson steps toward me and wraps his arms around my waist, pulling my back into his chest and nuzzling into my neck. I can’t help it as I start to cry, I’ve needed this closeness so desperately. He turns me around in his arms so that we’re chest to chest.
“Hey, don’t cry! I’m sorry that I’ve been shit. This has been the worst month of my life Rosie. But we’re going to be fine I promise you, I’m here for you. I’m sorry that it took me so long!”
I smile up at him, tilting my head back so that I can look him in the eye and hoping that he’ll kiss me. He does. It’s a gentle kiss but it’s so full of love that as his strong arms hold me closer I start to cry again, I’m not sad, I’m over the moon. He’s back.
“Mmm, Alvez that was delicious!”
Jackson stretches back in his chair and rubs his hands up and down his belly with a look of deep satisfaction on his face. He stands to take my plate from me, “I’ll wash up, you go and get comfy!”
I make my way to the sofa, I am so tired and my leg is hurting today. I know that I have been doing too much but I’m too stubborn to stop when I know I should. I sit on the sofa and Jackson places a glass of water and my painkillers in my hands.
“You read my mind!” I smile up at him in shock that he knew I needed them, “No babe, I read the clock. You should have had them an hour ago!” He gives me a look that screams ‘Don’t kid a kidder Alvez’ and makes his way back to the kitchen as I laugh and take my tablets.
Countryfile is on the telly and I can’t help but miss home. I’m certain I’d have fully recovered long before now with Mam and Dad’s cooking and the fresh country air. My mind drifts to memories of walking with Bruce at New Year and I can’t help but wonder how two country bumpkins like Jackson and I are supposed to grow old in a big city, I just can’t see it.
Where will we walk on Sunday afternoons? Where will our kids go to school? Mam used to just walk Rafe and me through the village to our friendly little school, will my kids need to be driven in London traffic or walked through smog and
angry commuters?
Marrying Mr Write Page 4