Marrying Mr Write

by Cassandra P Lewis

  “Joaquin please, I don’t know what you’ve been told but I haven’t done...”

  “GET OUT JACKSON!” He shouts louder than I imagined he could, he is red in the face and shaking furiously as he walks toward me.

  “What on Earth? Joaquin who was that? What is going on?” I can see that Bernie is confused and worried. I doubt she sees her husband so angry very often; he’s one of the most placid men I’ve ever met.

  Joaquin mumbles something in Spanish and Bernie takes hold of his arms. He takes a deep breath and looks into the eyes of his wife, “He had a baby, with someone else!”

  Bernie looks at me in disbelief and I shake my head. Rosie still thinks the baby is mine. I open my mouth to start to explain but I’m silenced by the feel of Bernie’s hand connecting hard against my cheek.

  “You bastard Jackson, we trusted you!” She has tears in her eyes as she speaks, she’s not angry, she’s disappointed.

  “Bernie, Joaquin, please let me explain. The baby isn’t mine!”

  It takes me some time to convince them to listen but eventually they do. I’m told to sit opposite them both at the breakfast bar, I feel like I’m being interviewed, I guess in a way I am. I tell them everything, all about Sasha and the baby, how I hadn’t cheated on Rosie but slept with Sasha before I met her. And about how the baby turned out to not be mine.

  They were angry that Rosie and I hadn’t told them what was going on, they would have supported and helped us through it, been there for Rosie when it came time for the birth.

  We talk for a while before I feel that I’ve earned back just enough of their trust to push for information.

  “Who was on the phone Joaquin?” Whoever it was has spoken to Rosie, maybe it was Rosie herself, “Jackson, I can’t tell you that,” He sounds regretful, as though he wants to tell me but has been asked not to.

  “Joaquin, I love your daughter more than life itself but you told me you yourself that she is stubborn. She’s suffering now because she believes that I have a child, I have to see her and tell her the truth. Please Joaquin, I need to see her!” I am begging I know, but I don’t care.

  I watch as Joaquin fights a battle in his head. His daughter’s wishes fighting against his own. He gets up and walks out of the kitchen and I’m about to follow when Bernie puts her hand on my arm and shakes her head. After a while I hear his muffled voice talking on the phone from the living room but I’m unable to hear what he’s saying. It feels like an eternity passes before he comes back into the kitchen and hands me a piece of paper. There’s an address written on it, it’s in Spain and I realise where she is, Mariana’s house.

  “You’re booked onto a flight from East Midlands Airport at nine tomorrow morning Jackson. I will take you the airport.” He speaks and leaves this time out of the front door. I stare at the piece of paper in my hands. He’s booked me a flight, he wants me to go to her and I intend on bringing her home.

  It’s a gorgeous day as I step out of the taxi into the Marbella sunshine. My heart is pounding at the prospect of pulling Rosie into my chest and telling her that everything is going to be ok. It’s over, there’s nothing in the way of our happiness now. We’re going to be ok.

  I knock on the door but there’s no response. Rosie’s phone has been switched off for nearly four days now and the lack of contact with her has been unbearable. Knowing that I’m standing at the door of the house where she’s staying tips me over the edge. I don’t want to wait a second longer to see her. I bang the door harder than I did before, determined to get an answer, but it doesn’t come.

  I step back and notice a wrought iron gate at the side of the house. It probably leads to a back garden or a pool so I head toward it, hopeful.

  As I push the gate open and look into the garden, my heart stops.

  “Rosie”

  I look up to see Jackson standing at the gate of Mariana’s back yard, he’s gripping the metal as though for support and I can’t speak. What is he doing here?

  “Rosie, talk to me.”

  He starts to make his way toward me and I panic, if he touches me I know I won’t have the strength to resist. I try to find words but all that escapes me is a sob. I put my hands up to my face as I cry and then I feel his arms around me. His scent fills my nose and I feel him exhale a deep breath as he tightens his arms around me. I can’t push him away; I can’t do anything but let the tears fall.

  Some time passes before he releases me from his embrace and I look up at him.

  “You shouldn’t be here. How did you know I was here?” I tear my eyes away from his and look down at my hands, which are knotting together nervously in my lap.

  “Rosie, the baby isn’t mine, we’re free.”

  His voice is quiet and weak and it takes me a few seconds to register what he has said. For a moment I feel hopeful, it’s not his child and that means that there’ll be no more Sasha butting into our lives, but then I realise that it doesn’t matter. There’ll soon be something else coming between us. I’m certain of that.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.”

  “Just kiss me Rosie, we can go home and live our lives together now. No more Sasha!”

  “Jackson no I’m sorry but I meant what I said in the text, I can’t do this … us, anymore.” I sidestep Jackson so that I can make my way toward the house but he grabs my arm, halting my progress.

  “Rosie, don’t do this. You can’t do this, please.” His voice is cracked with emotion as he speaks and the all too familiar lump rises to my throat. I adore him; it hurts me that he’s hurting.

  “Jackson please, let me go.” I’m not just talking about my arm.

  “The baby isn’t mine Rosie, we’re free now. Please just come home.”

  “It doesn’t matter. The baby isn’t yours but it was just the next thing in a list of things threatening us. It’s too hard,” I am almost shouting as I spit out my words between sobs. “It’s too much hard work and for what? I’m not going to be able to make you happy, not long term. I couldn’t even carry a child safely!” I am crying so hard now that I’m struggling to breathe. I sit down on the sun lounger behind me and Jackson kneels at my feet.

  “I love you so much Jackson. But it is too much hard work going through each day just waiting for the moment when you change your mind about me and leave, I can’t help feeling that way, as hard as I try I can’t stop it, and I’m exhausted.”

  Jackson looks devastated. He hangs his head and shakes it, disagreeing with me but not able to speak. He looks up at me and I look away. He reaches up and cups my face, directing me to look at him again; I can’t ignore the pull of his hazel eyes and stare deep into them, he looks so sad.

  “Don’t do this Rosie, don’t leave me. You know that you’re everything to me, I won’t function without you now, please don’t do this!”

  He’s begging me not to end our relationship and it breaks my heart. He functioned fine before me, have I broke him? Have I encouraged him to change his life so much that he has nothing left except for me? I shake my head slowly as I consider what I’ve done to him. He stands quickly and paces before me.

  “I love you more than I ever thought was possible Rosie. I can’t face a future without you!” He is shouting, I can tell that he is angry now but I have to stick to my guns on this.

  “Jackson, we’ll never be as happy as we hope to be, something will always go wrong. I will always be waiting for you to meet someone else or jet off somewhere and not come back. Meeting Sasha was an eye opener, a glimpse of the life that you used to lead and I can’t live up to that.” He looks at me and laughs, “Don’t you dare Rosie, don’t you dare use your insecurities to push me away. We have been over and over the same old shit! At least have the decency to be honest. If you’re ending this, it’s because you want to, not because you’re scared I’ll leave. I have done everything to prove to you that I won’t. And I didn’t, you did!”

  “You were happier before me.” My voice is small, “I push you away and
cause you stress and it’s not worth all of the upset that it causes us both Jackson.”

  “You are always looking for a get out Rosie and I’m so fucking sick of it! You refuse to trust me, even though I have worked every day to prove that you can. I’m cursed; I must be because everything I touch turns to shit!”

  “I changed for you Rosie. I was happy with my life and I gave it all up for you, but it will never be enough, I’ll never be enough. If you want out of this Rosie, then your wish is my command!” His hands are clenched into fists at his sides and I can hear the mix of sadness and anger in his voice.

  There is silence between us as the realisation that our relationship is over sinks in. Jackson looks into my eyes, his heartbreak matches my own and I inhale a shaky breath as I try to control my tears.

  “You’re right Rosie, we will never work. I’m going to go, you deserve to find true happiness and I really hope that you do.”

  He steps towards me as I start to cry hard. I can’t look at him and I can’t watch him leave. I feel his hand on the back of my neck and a soft kiss on my forehead but I don’t open my eyes. Within seconds the hand is gone, and when I hear the gate close it hits me, so is Jackson.

  CHAPTER NINE

  “Rosie, you have a visitor!”

  Mam calls up the stairs to me and I panic, as much as I am dying to see his face, I hope it isn’t Jackson. I make my way down the stairs and see Pippa standing in the hallway with her arms outstretched to me. She and Ben have been in Scotland and out of phone range so she’s only just found out about Jackson and me, and only because she went round to our apartment to see us.

  When I reach her I can do nothing but cry, I need my best friend so much right now and she knows it. We stand there in my parents’ hallway, her arms wrapped tightly around me as I sob.

  After a while, Pip leads me to the kitchen and puts the kettle on. She is more than comfortable in my parents’ home and knows where everything is kept. I lean against the breakfast bar as she makes us a coffee, I know that she’s going to make me talk, but she’s not pushing it, yet.

  It’s a beautiful day so we take our coffees outside and sit on the grass in the back garden.

  “Are you ready to talk then?” She asks gently but I know that she’s going to try to make me face up to things whether I want to or not, “Not really Pip. I’m devastated. I was so hurt over the baby that I made the decision to end it, and I was adamant that I was sticking to that decision regardless of what he said or did. But I miss him so much.” I fight the lump in my throat and take a sip of my coffee in an attempt to ward off the impending tears. I don’t know how I have any left.

  “Rosie, you look terrible. You both do! I know I told you to get out but you’re clearly not functioning well without each other!”

  As she says the words I remember Jackson’s admission in Spain. He warned me that he wouldn’t function without me, what state has Pip seen him in for her to say the same? The thought worries me sick. I can’t say anything.

  “Call him Rosie, just call him and tell him you love him. He can be here in a few hours, holding you in his arms, you can make it work I’m sure of it.” She looks almost as sad as me as she pleads with me to reconcile with Jackson.

  “No Pip, I can’t do it. I have hurt him so much; I can’t just call him up and ask him to take me back. Who’s to say I won’t do it again. I’ll ruin his life. I just need to get through this; we’ll both be stronger for it eventually!”

  Pip spent a while longer trying to convince me before she admitted defeat. We sat in the sun until it went down and I listened intently as she told me all about her holiday, and about how her parents have fallen completely in love with Ben now. There’s been no further mention of him ‘deflowering’ their daughter. It’s so good to have her here and it’s nice to smile for the first time in two weeks.

  When I left Malaga a fortnight ago I felt like I was at rock bottom. I don’t remember much from the moment I opened my eyes to see that Jackson really had gone to the moment I felt my brother’s arms around me at East Midlands Airport.

  Rafe was there to meet me from my flight and he stayed at Mam and Dad’s with me for a few days. He tried his best to get me to open up to him about what happened but I couldn’t. I think I’m in shock that it’s actually over. He asked me a few times to come back to London with him but after I shouted at him and told him to back off, he gave up.

  Jackson and I gave it a good go, but it was just obstacle after obstacle and there’s only so much that two people can take. It is hard though, it’s the hardest thing I’ve even had to go through, and given all the shit I’ve had to put up with, that’s saying something.

  I turned my phone on a couple of hours after getting back to Buxton. Once I’d trawled through the deluge of texts, voicemails, emails and Facebook messages from Jackson and my family, it fell silent. Part of me thought that Jackson wouldn’t give up on us, ‘He’s persistent and he loves me, so he won’t quit’ or so I thought, but he has, and I miss him more than I can say.

  I haven’t been able to eat much. Mam keeps cooking for me but every time I put food into my mouth I think I’m going to be sick. I’ve lost weight and I look tired, but I don’t care, I have nobody to impress.

  Pippa spends a lot of time in Buxton now so I know that she’s close when I need her. She and Ben are going really strong and it’s lovely to see. She invites me out with them almost daily, but seeing such a happy couple is the last thing that I need right now. I just spend my days watching DVDs in my room or cleaning the house for Mam, she hates it as she takes pride in her housework but gave up trying to stop me after a couple of days.

  Every now and again I look at my phone hopefully, but my heart sinks a little lower each time I realise that he hasn’t tried to contact me. There’s no new activity on his Facebook since he tagged us at the ballet. This is hell.

  Two weeks. Rosie and I haven’t spoken in two weeks and I am numb.

  I’m angry at her, really angry. I was absolutely fine living my life before I met her and now I’m left with nothing. She promised me that she wouldn’t run, that we were in it together but she quit. I’m furious with her; she’s not the woman I thought she was after all.

  I can’t bear being surrounded by her things. Her clothes and her makeup, her perfume and her engagement ring are all there, untouched, a constant reminder that she’s gone. I’ve boxed up most of the flat and have started looking for somewhere else to live. We have a six month contract on this apartment and have only been here for two so I’ll have to pay to get out of the tenancy early but I can’t stay here.

  I’m sleeping on a mattress in the living room; I can’t sleep in that bedroom without her next to me. Rafe told me that she was back in Buxton but that she needs some space, no worries there. I can’t face seeing her anyway; it will kill me to be rejected by her again. It’s best that I just try and move on, so I’m going out tonight. It’s time for the old Jackson to make his return.

  I bumped into an old friend of mine in the pub around the corner from Rafael’s. I’ve been spending a fair bit of time there lately but drinking alone isn’t as much fun as it used to be, so it was nice to have a pint with a mate. We talked briefly about what had happened, I had to fight back the urge to murder him when he called Rosie a bitch, I realised that he was just trying to make me feel better. He and some of the lads that I used to be mates with are all going out tonight to celebrate one of them getting a new job and they invited me along. It’s not like I have anything better to do.

  Getting ready to go on a lads night out feels strange. I know full well that I am not ready to be with anyone else, but I shower and dress myself, do my hair and put on aftershave the way I always have done for nights out with the lads. The routine is so familiar to the one I’ve followed so many times before, each of those nights ending with me inside a different girl. Despite knowing that there’s very little chance they’ll be used, I put two condoms in my wallet and head out. Maybe they will, maybe
that’s one way of getting over her.

  “SHAGGER! You’re back!”