The Beginning... The End... Anew!

by Zedart Hodges

  You know one of the most misunderstood scriptures in the Bible is when Jesus was talking to Nick. Now, when he asked that, or told him what he must do in order to become a child of the most high God, you can see that it threw him for a loop. Just as today, people are still perplexed by this very notion of being reborn, and they’re not looking at the incident being spiritual. I Mostly, I guess because like Nick there must be a spiritual quickening in order to understand what God has for those that believe in his Son, Jesus. I was once there. I knew of God but I didn’t have a relationship with his Son; and as a result I was lost wandering about with a big gorilla on my back. We are blessed to know that there is someone who loves us no matter. We must realize who’s in control. Hey, it ain’t who or what you think. Let’s keep this thing real. It’s time for human wisdom to be kicked to the curb and grasp the real deal. No one on earth can give you the understanding about life except the life giver. It’s time for kingdom rule. Listen, when you were in control your life was a mess. You don’t need to admit it. I know young people, I’ve been where you are. You got to get to where I am, and with all that’s going on, only in the word of God can any satisfying light shine on the mysterious and baffling subject of life.

  I went to church today, and this day, as every time that I do, which is not all the time as it should be, I really got into this service because the subject was a heart matter; that at all times in our lives we must be willing to do, be it wrong or right. We must trust, and hopefully we have sense enough to trust the right things for our lives. But now we have help and we must make the decision to put all of our trust in God who’s in control of all this. That’s how and why I made it. I knew that I had to put my trust in somebody other than myself. I was out there shooting drugs, not because I wanted to but because I had to. You know people say that the ones that love you would say, “Why don’t you just stop?” But I am here to tell you that you can’t just stop. We must realize that we are not talking about something that you can put down like a newspaper or a pen, and forget about it. We are talking about something that’s in your spirit. Something that’s become part of your makeup. Something that you need to feel normal, so you think. What I am trying to say is that we need the spirit of all spirits to help us get rid of this thing, and even then it won’t be easy because remember, we’re used to doing and it’s become part of us. You can’t just stop. We must put our trust in God. We need the programmer instead of a program. A program teaches you to put your trust in a man. The programmer teaches you to put your trust in the man, Jesus. Now, I know that a lot of people don’t want to do, or have anything to do with Christianity or Jesus, but I am sorry. I was once there myself until my eyes were opened. Opened by the concern of a friend; someone that knew that there was something better. Better than waking up in the morning sick and knowing that there’s nothing that will help you but a shot of drugs. You don’t want anything but the hit of a mind numbing, stomach turning, hit of a drug that has turned your world upside down. We weren’t born to do drugs, but after you’ve done them for so long you begin to think so. But then you start thinking about all the things you’ve lost. You begin to feel sorry for yourself, and when that happens you want more. More of the drug that suppresses your need for food, sex, love, and companionship; all the things we need to feel alive. The entire nature of man and woman mentally, morally, spiritually, and physically is sadly affected by drugs.

  I remember reading this story in the Bible. It was about this lady that didn’t have anything after her husband died. This was a very touching story. But there’s meaning to this story, especially about this young man, Boaz. Now, he was pretty well off but he knew his land, and the people working that land; he was used to seeing people on his land that he knew for some time. But when someone or something seems to be out of place, we ask questions; and this is what Boaz did because he was seeing the same people all the time. But when someone different comes around we tend to get uneasy very quickly because we know that that person, or thing, wasn’t there in the beginning. Now, from time to time we get in our heads that some things were just meant to be, but I am here to let you know that’s not so. Sometimes we need to step back and ask ourselves, “Is this the way that this is supposed to be?” And if it upsets you, or makes you unfortunate, then the answer is no. Then we must figure out what’s really going on. But that’s not our job. When we turn our lives over to God it’s on him to help us to do the right thang. Only when we try to do this for ourselves do we start doing crazy things and expecting everything to come out right. But we must understand that there are some things in this world that only the spirit can tackle. And that’s why I think, or I know, that we really don’t have a clue about what is and what ain’t suppose to be right. We just go with the flow. A lot of times the flow be taking us too fast to see what’s really going on, and I was there at one time. Didn’t know nothing in and out of prison, but one day I got tired. It was on the 3rd of July 1995. I was figuring out what I was going to do for the 4th. I didn’t know that I was going to spend it in jail. Couldn’t call. No bail bond man couldn’t do nothing because everybody was out of town or something. So here I am stuck like chuck in jail for at least a week before I could even start to call anyone to get me out, and as time went on I started to be sick. Stomach hurting, head hurting, and no one to even give me an aspirin. So I stayed in jail for a while sick. That’s when I began to, as the old people would say, take stock of my life. And I looked, and I wasn’t getting any younger, so I started thinking about what if I was so sick at times that I didn’t know what was going on. Everything running. So here I am now. Remember, I had been shooting drugs for most of my life. I am in my late 40’s. Nothing to show for my life but tracks on my arms and neck; sick and no one to help. Now, that’s a bad feeling when there’s no one there and you start to think am I gonna die like this. But the pain from the drugs won’t even let you dwell on that but for a minute, and the pains start. Then you start to wonder if this is it, or will I last until the next day or what. But the pain gets so bad sometimes; it’s all you can do to go to sleep. Then you really see what you need to do with the rest of your life. Survey the land. All too often when we make up our minds to change our lives, after some time when things begin to look right for us, we seem to think that because we were made right with God through Jesus spiritually, we can forget that at one time in our lives we were partners with darkness; doing all we could to kill ourselves, and others, or anyone that loves us. When we do time, they do time. When we are out in the streets doing bad, we make them look bad. We must know that we live our lives for the ones we love as well as ourselves. Now, every now and then we think that we’re not hurting anybody but us, but as time goes, and if we have any morals about ourselves, we will begin to accept the truth. But then we don’t really want to face reality because we’ve been living a lie for so long that it has become part of our reality; that false sense of self-control that tells us that we don’t need nobody or nothing. Now, that’s crazy. Look, I remember when I was out there running drugs with an overcoat on and everything. Hey, you may say ain’t nothing wrong with that. But when it’s 90 degrees out with a pair of long johns on too? Now tell me that ain’t crazy. Now, when we come to our senses and make up our minds to do the right thang, arid the people we used to run with start wanting to change their minds but can’t, that’s when we know that we can’t do this by ourselves. I need some help. Now, drugs are a spirit, and we need the spirit of all spirits to help us with this. Some may think I don’t need nobody. Listen, don’t lie to yourself. Get your help from God. I am not saying that N.A. and A.A. aren’t good programs; they are. But I believe that if they don’t lead you to Jesus, then something is missing. Oh, I knew that you were going to say that they are good programs but they’re not the program, and we need the program that’s been set forth by Jesus Christ, not Bill or Bob. I think that’s when we base our lives on a program instead of someone that made it possible for all programs. Well, you tell me. Now, take your fa
ith away from man and put it in Jesus’ hand. Good Lord, now that’s a good thing. Now, the reason I say this is because I’ve lived through a life of drugs and being in and out of prison. Hey, people say that we learn by example, or should I say that some people can learn by example. Some people can be looking right at something and still there is disbelief. Those are the ones that have some serious issues. Even now there are times when that thought of me, myself, and I is in effect. But I must constantly think about who I am and what he’s done in my life, and say help me Lord to be responsible. For your actions are a hell of a thing; especially when you’ve been doing contrary to what must be right. I know that a lot of people believe that nothing and nobody has any right to speak into their lives, or say anything about what they do or say. Now, that attitude is unacceptable. There must be someone, or you must allow someone, to speak positive things in your life. This person must be someone who has their head on straight, though you can’t have someone speaks to you that’s doing mo drugs than you. It will just be the blind leading the blind. Both of you will fall in the ditch. I am doing all I can to reach you where you are. You feel me? I know that you do. So come on and let’s start doing the right thang, O.K? Believe it or not, it ain’t that hard. We just need to try a little harder. For some, that’s a hard thang because drugs tear down your morals of right and wrong; but now we have help. And all we need to do is call on his name and mean what we say. But sometimes that’s so hard when we’ve lived life on our own terms for so long. But we must realize that we have given up control of our lives and body without a doubt. Believe in Jesus Christ. He the man now. So let’s keep it real this time, alright?

  I was there once. When you’re young you think that nothing or nobody has a right to speak anything to you about anything that helps you in any way. Life has afforded some people around us to speak into our lives, but we are so bent on self-destruction that nobody can say anything to us or about us. We need loved ones that will say what we are, or are not, doing. We need fellowship with each other. Believe that a lot of what’s wrong with us is that we always hate on each other and other loved ones in our lives. Life’s supposed to teach us about responsibilities that we must think about more than ourselves. When we start to be in control of what we think, we begin to see how foolish we were about things we thought we didn’t have any control over. When our minds start clearing, we start looking within ourselves and realizing that who we are is far better than who or what we were, and we start to take charge of our actions; only then, when we start thinking with a clear mind; a mind not clouded by selfishness and consumed with bitter thoughts when over the years our thoughts and actions were hindered by drugs, arid our physical, mental, and spiritual self was out of balance. Our whole existence, or so we think is focused around that dealer or what he’s dealing, and our flesh says more and we give it more because we don’t want to feel bad. But everything is out of balance. But from time to time that merry go round slows down and a small voice says, “Do you want to get off?” And if you haven’t hit the bottom and you think that the thrill is better, you keep riding. Then you start to realize that life is passing you by and you want to get off, but then you hear that someone across town OD’ed. And it’s off to the races again; you keep riding each time. You make up your mind to get off. Here comes somebody or something with more, and you want it so the ride gets faster, and it takes more of an effort to say I want to get off, so you keep on keeping on. Well, you know that a lot of times when you are almost straight you have a need to look at some other people that you used to hang with, and say man you need to get it right. But people that still out there can look at you and tell if you are for real or if you mean business. So you need to work on yourself first.

  I remember when I would go home. I would always see this young man that would always come around. When you start trying to do the right thing everybody wants to see you and see if you are real or just faking the game. Anyway, this boy would always come around and we would start talking about things; getting high and everything. And he would always say that nobody would give him a chance. So the Lord laid on my heart to see if this young man was real and let him see that it ain’t what you got, it’s who you know. So I was blessed to give this young man a car’ I signed the title over to him and everything. He was thankful for the present, but he needed the gift, and you can only get that if you submit to God’s will and his way, and that’s real. How many of you know that the more you try to do right the more sin draws you back; back to doing whatever you are trying to stop doing? So that’s why we need help. Not help from man because man is only a bandage that we put on a sore of everlasting pain, and we need someone to erase the pain. Now that’s real.

  I’m writing this letter to let you know the danger of looking away; away from family, real friends, and most of all a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. When I was younger, I didn’t really understand the importance of family. I don’t really remember my father. All I knew was mom. She was mother and father to us. Can’t put the blame on mom. She did the best she could. The family life and love began to be halfhearted, so I thought when my mom started drinking and stuff. Hey, don’t get it twisted. She loved us. But when you are young, somebody’s best ain’t good enough. Maybe she wasn’t there all the time, but she loved us with real love.

  Sometimes we look for things to happen just because and don’t really look at the way it really was, and sooner or later we start looking for something else to fill the void not knowing that that void will be there until we find the one that created the void from the beginning. We start running away from the very thing that can hold us together. We start staying out late, talking back to our parents, and sooner or later we start telling them how they should treat us like we’re equal with them and we know what’s best for us, and if you tell them long enough they start believing it too. That bad people start giving up on you when they see the way you treat your parents, and in a little while you start looking away, and when you start looking away people that care anything about you start looking away. Not because they don’t love you but because they can’t seem to talk any sense into you. And in a while, look out! Here comes the street, and there’s no love in the streets from nobody. The streets have begun to let you see that your life wasn’t right and so you lose any sense of reason with yourself, and anyone else. You start looking away from things that matter in your life. You start thinking that it’s all about you and not the people around you, mainly family. Looking to things that will only give you that self-gratification; false pride. And when that happens look out! Here come the streets, full force. And after a while you begin to lose focus on things that really matter; family. And your family will help you not knowing that the only thing that you need is a big dose of reality and help from somebody that don’t need help. When everything that you think you are has been reduced to less than nothing when you get caught looking away.

  In times past I was very uneasy with myself and the things that I wanted, or that I thought I wanted] I started off smoking, but soon after moved on to acid. This weight loss drug, it was called B-52’s. Then, there was the needle; cocaine and heroin. Together, it was called speed-ball and that was the one for the next 20 years or so. I lived to put a spike in my arm. I used to shoot dote sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. There was a crew of us going around stealing to pay for our habit, No store no matter where or what city was off limits. Then here comes crack. My friends and I did not only shot heroin but we shot crack and heroin together. Smoking it didn’t get us where we wanted to be. It’s amazing the things we come up with when we’re sick and need a hit or fix or whatever you want to call it. My family sold whiskey so I didn’t really have to steal a lot or Jo out to steal every day. Now, when I didn’t have cocaine for my speed ball, I would get me some crack and get it back to liquid form, and mix it with my heroine, and that was my speed ball. And I would do these sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. I was in and out of jail a lot. Remember I did this for some 20 or 25 years, so
it started during the 60’s. I was in and out of jail spending time. I would get clean, come out, and do the same thing. I did this for some time, so much that some of the po-po’s knew me by name, and what I would and would not do. But I got tired this last time I went to jail. I knew that there was something better but I was afraid to admit it to myself because I had put a needle in my arm for so long and had heard so much about Christianity. How it wasn’t this or wasn’t that. And I didn’t know for myself so I was skurd. But how many of you know that you must get this good news for yourself? I am tired of shooting dope, getting older and tired of going to jail. So I prayed from my heart to something or somebody, and I said Lord if you are God you won’t let me hurt like this. So I am in jail sick, in pain, and asking for something to ease the pain, or help me to feel better; couldn’t eat. Running from both ends and no help from authorities. I was in a bad place, but how many of you know that when you’re down all you can do is look up if you want to get up? So I talked with the Lord. Remember, I didn’t know him, but just the things I’d heard. So I just stayed in my cell talking to God, and all I know is that it was working, and I was glad. So now I am in jail awaiting trial, facing the bitch along with other charges. And all that added up to about or at least 20 years. So I told my court appointed lawyer I wanted them in the box. So all this time I am getting closer to the Lord and feeling comfort in the depth of my discomfort. I made a life changing move. I stood on the word of God until I thought the time matched my crimes. When you’re in Christ any move you make for you, as long as it’s according to the word of God, doesn’t make you feel bad; about anything you do or say. Now that’s real. So we settled on about 40-57 months. Now, remember I am guilty, but not 20 years of guilt. But during this time in jail the Lord gave me a dream about what church he wanted me to attend. Remember, we must turn everything over to him when we accept him as our Lord and Savior, and he’ll handle it with you. So the dream was of a blue cross and I saw a white robe. I couldn’t see a face. So as time went on I was studying God’s word; doing the right thing. So I made Honor Grade. I wanted to go to this place called Rocky Mount but that place was closing, so I came to Raleigh to Wake Correction, got a job working at a woman’s prison. Ha, I worked over there for 2 years and didn’t get a write-up. Now that’s amazing. So o.k. I am at Wake going to Yoke-Fellow, and one night I went there and met this young man and he said, or told me, that he would take me to church the following week. I said o.k. Weekend came. I got dressed and waited. Time went and came. I was down-hearted, but when you are in Christ the Holy Spirit will help you cope, and he told me to put my trust in no man. So I got on my bunk, started reading. Time to go to work. Next week he came and told me what had happened, so I said o.k. The next Sunday he came and took me to church, and time I walked in I saw that blue cross, and I said to myself Lord what are you trying to tell me? The next time I went to church the preacher came out there and he had on a white robe, and I said Lord I know this is where you want me to be. And I joined that church. And the name of that church is Freedom Temple. The next week I told a few brothers at York-Fellow what happened and I am still at that church today.