by Sunniva Dee
“Kat, you’re busy with Dad. I respect that even though I don’t get what the hell you’re thinking. I—ah. I just love this girl so much. She’s… almost within reach. All the time. She says she loves me, and yet she doesn’t give herself to me. I feel… Fuck. Like I’m going crazy, okay.”
There’s a glob forming in my chest while I speak. It’s filling me, accentuating my words. “She’s six months pregnant now. I have three months left to convince her. How can I convince her when we only hang out at work? Forget her short checkups and the occasional dinner out. We’re never together.”
Kat nibbles on a cuticle, absorbing what I’m saying. She shakes her head. “So you’re both busy—totally common right? What do you need to convince her of, Leon?”
“That I’m what she calls ‘boyfriend material.’”
“Why? You are her boyfriend… aren’t you?”
I get up, unable to relax despite my exhaustion. At the kitchen window, I push the panes outward with both hands, relieved when the night air sifts in. “We have an agreement, Kat. For three full years, Arria watched me be a total ass at the club with a slew of women. She doesn’t trust me. We slept together once, and when I found out about the pregnancy, I proposed—”
My sister gasps but doesn’t interrupt.
“—and Arriane turned me down. After months of insisting, she finally agreed to be my girlfriend, but only for the remainder of her pregnancy. These months are my chance to prove myself. Thing is, every fucking day goes down the drain like piss. Between work and her staying at her own apartment, there’s nothing I can do to convince her.”
I’m beat. It’s been a long night with too many conflicts to solve downstairs. I miss my girl. I’d hold her right now. We’d fucking fall asleep together if she were with me.
“I’m losing her, Kat. If I can’t fight for this woman, she’ll step out of our arrangement as soon as the baby is born, and Lord knows how much time I’ll get to spend with either of them afterward.”
As I tell her all of this, the glob in my chest coagulates into fear. Fear of losing something good in my life. I send a glance in the direction of the Bag Room. I’ll need it if I want to sleep tonight. As I swing around, aiming at my sanctuary, Kat’s there, catapulting her little body into mine.
My sister pulls my head down against her throat and embraces me the way I used to do with her when we were children, after our father’s attacks.
“I knew something was up, Shishi-sweetie,” she whispers to me. “I’m here for you. I’m here.”
I’d pictured Katsu and me hanging out a lot once she moved to Deepsilver. She’s such a lovely person. Even so, this is the first one-on-one we’ve had in the weeks she’s been here. She raises a delicate hand to the waiter, getting me a refill of water.
“Why haven’t we done this before?” She mirrors my thoughts, and I smile.
“Not sure, but we should make it into a tradition to have lunch at a fun place.”
The new Asian fusion restaurant she’s chosen boasts small booths set against lava-orange walls. The mixture of intimate and temperamental is done with a sure hand.
“Goody! How about weekly?” That rosebud mouth of hers stretches into a sweet grin.
“Done deal,” I reply. “I get holed up at Smother too much.”
Katsu’s invitation surprised me, and I’m guessing she’s got something on her mind. Now, she turns serious, a flicker of determination blackening her already dark irises. Then, it comes.
“Arria, can we talk about my brother?”
I’m so tuned in to him, to anything Leon, that my heart does a double take. The conversation with Ingela last night launched me into a set of dreams after I went to bed. The focal point in those dreams were his eyes, his beautiful eyes trained on me with pained intensity.
In daylight, I feel the connection between dream and reality, because all I needed was for Ingela to point it out. She’s right. He’s always there. Whatever I do now, I sense him in my peripheral vision.
“Is he okay?” I ask. From Kat’s worried expression, he isn’t.
“No,” she confirms, and out of the blue, with no warning, she continues, “My brother loves you, Arria, and he’s suffering.”
My heart, my poor heart.
It shivers.
My brother loves you.
My brother loves you.
No, please.
A small smile flits across her features. “I’ve never seen my brother this way about any girl. Granted, I’m not around to see everything he’s up to, but this, with you, is serious business.”
“Don’t say that,” I choke out because she’s scaring me. I can’t listen to this. It’s easy when I’m the one loving. How can I ever break free now? My mind loops through crazy stuff, things that don’t matter because they can’t be undone.
Yeah. I made a mistake. I encouraged sex without protection when I should have bowed out and loved him from a distance. But most of all, I told him about the baby. I could have moved. Started a life in another place where the risk of having my heart die in the wake of Leon’s goodbye would never be an option.
“Why shouldn’t I say that? It’s the root to half his issues. Hey… you knew, right?” his sister asks me.
My heart is racing, going amok with the future and the possibilities. Terrified and elated, it panics. “I didn’t.”
My blood pressure pills, I think. I took them this morning. I’m good. And hey, the doctors haven’t confirmed a connection between spikes in stress and high blood pressure. I need to get a grip for the baby. Stop the swirling thoughts, calm my crazy heart.
“Please! Can we have that refill already?” Kat’s voice rings out as she swats the waiter over. She gets out of her seat and scoots in next to me in the booth. “Arria, tell me you’re all right,” she begs, stroking my shoulder. I slacken the claw my fingers create against my chest.
“Yeah, I—sorry,” I mumble, dropping my hand into my lap. “Just…”
The water arrives, and Kat lifts the glass for me. I puff out a chuckle-breath at that, and she joins me, reassured as I drink the soothing coolness.
“So, he never told you he loves you?”
“No.” I shake my head for emphasis. Take another swig of water so as not to start bawling. She waves for the waiter again. “We’ll need another full glass of water. Low on ice.”
My smile wobbles and falls.
“Okay, that’s unfortunate, and as his sister, I’ll be doing my duty and giving him shit now. Do you love Leon?”
I stare at her, and she shrugs, not backing down on her question. “Look, I adore my brother. If you had any clue of what he’s done for me, you’d understand. We’ll catch up on that later, but honestly, he needs immediate help. I’ve never seen him depressed, Arria, but now he is, and you’re sitting on the key to it. Which is why I’m asking. Do you love him?”
It’s not a secret. I’ve told him more than once. I let out pent-up air when I reply. “Yes, I’ve loved him for a very long time, and he knows.”
“Okay, check,” she says as if she’s going through a list for her game design job. I’m getting to see her methodical side.
“Now, I understand you have an agreement. You guys are boyfriend and girlfriend until the baby’s born?”
How ridiculous does that sound? My cheeks heat, but I still nod. “Yes. Let me explain, though. I only suggested the time limit because—”
“—my brother’s a slut and terrible with women. Yes, he told me.”
My shoulders sink at her understanding.
“How do you feel so far about being with him?” Katsu continues her interrogation. Offers me the water again when I make a move to press my hand to my heart. I take another swallow.
“Well, he’s been exclusive with me, I think,” I begin.
“True. Anything else?” This tiny little sister of his is hardcore. I remain silent because I don’t know what to say. Truth be said, Leon is undetonated dynamite.
“Kat,” I f
inally begin when her coffee-colored gaze doesn’t lift. “Leon has so much to fix in his life. I… if it were only me, I’d probably take my chances, but I’m about to have a baby.”
“You both are,” she reminds me, her stare going steely for a moment.
“Yeah… don’t worry. He’ll get visiting rights no matter what.”
She puffs, upset, but then she reels herself back in. Before she can speak, I continue. “I had an amazing mother, and she raised my twin brother and me alone from the time we were twelve. We’re still in contact with my father, who moved back to New Delhi at that point—in fact, my brother’s studying there right now. Long story short: I’m going to be the best possible mother to this baby. If that means letting go of the love of my life, then so be it.”
Katsu doesn’t comment on my tell-all. Instead she dives right to the essence. “Do you believe that Leon’s beyond repair, Arria?” Determination radiates off her. We’re two women, loving the same man in such different ways. For her, his wellbeing is more important than my baby’s.
“I don’t know,” I say. “I can’t chance it. Look at how he handles your father’s situation.”
She’s silent, breathing to control her frustration with me. I cover my face with my hands. Seriously, I want to cry right now.
“How can he prove to you that he’s good enough, Arria?”
I love him so much, and she does too—we both want the best, but—shit! Why do things have to be so difficult? I jump when her hand touches my shoulder again. “Arria,” she whispers.
“What?”
“Why don’t you at least give him the months you promised him?”
“He’s got the months. We are in a relationship.”
“Yes, but weren’t you supposed to live together for these months?”
I stop breathing. Then, I decide to be honest. As brutally honest as she’s been with me. “Yes, but you arrived, and you needed a place to stay. I couldn’t stay with the both of you.”
Katsu doesn’t miss a beat. “If I found another apartment, would you move in with him?”
I think about it. Recall mornings of waking up next to Leon. Seeing tousled hair draping a forehead smooth with sleep. The small wrinkle at the corner of his eye when I kissed him awake. God. I want that.
I don’t consider the consequences when I turn to her and answer, “Yes.”
Joy flickers like lavender speckles in Arriane’s irises. She turns her head fully to me, a tentative smile teasing her mouth. I recognize what my brother sees in this girl. She holds a quiet kindness, a disguised strength. It’s what makes you look twice when she’s in a room. And when you do, you realize how beautiful she is too.
Now, she tucks a long lock behind her ear and meets my gaze. “I’ve only ever wanted the best for Leon. It’s just that this new responsibility of mine, the baby… I’m not taking any chances once he’s born.”
“Yeah, I get that, Arriane. If I were in your shoes, I’d be the same way. All I ask is that you give him the chance to prove what he’s capable of. My brother, he’s the most resourceful, most determined man I know. When Leon sets his mind to something, he accomplishes it. I know that the two of you are his biggest priority right now.”
The waiter is back, handing me the check. Arriane grabs for it, but I don’t let her. “Next week.” I smile, and she makes me shake hands on the promise.
As we walk out of the restaurant, I air the idea I’ve played with since Leon’s breakdown yesterday. “Arria, I wouldn’t have asked this elsewise, but I think you moving back in is sort of urgent for Leon’s state of mind. He needs you there. How would you feel about swapping lairs until I can find something more permanent?”
Arriane is pushing a chapstick across her lips but freezes mid-move. “As in you moving into my apartment with Ingela?”
I can’t read her expression. We’ve stopped on the street, and she’s completely focused on me. Crap, I’m being pushy again. Too much too fast, which Leon says is me in a nutshell. I think about the Craigslist ads I’d scoured all morning while Dad slept at the hospital. The only doable option is on the third floor of the Blood Bank, a bar two streets over from Smother. I cringe at the thought of living above another drinking establishment.
“Yeah. If anything goes awry with my brother, I’ll move out in two seconds flat,” I promise. With the assistance of a genie.
I relax when she laughs out loud. “Two seconds, huh? You’d need a genie for that.”
“Ah! What I was thinking! I might Craigslist a genie just in case,” I joke.
We walk on in silence. It’s hard not to keep insisting, but I should let her deliberate. Give her breathing room.
Smother is at the end of the street. Arriane’s going in early today to prepare for yet another bizarre holiday, Name-Your-Poison Day.
Two houses down from my brother’s bar, she finally pauses and spins to me. Her eyes are light with the decision she’s made. “Leon is so lucky to have you, Katsu. You know that, right? I’ll have to talk with Ingela first, but I’m ready. Let’s do the swap.”
I clap my hands like I’m three and start bouncing on my feet. “Yeah!” I blurt out. “Okay, okay—Arria, you want to surprise him?”
She nods enthusiastically.
“So remember how tomorrow is his day at Choice, and he’ll be heading to Talco at sunrise for a full day there with the manager of the club?”
“Ah, right,” she says, catching on.
“While he’s gone, we’ll enlist Ingela, maybe Cameron, and put all your stuff in his apartment.”
She frowns, worrying her lip. “All of my stuff?”
I sigh impatiently. “You’re in, right? It’s all or nothing, baby. As I said, you won’t lose your apartment just because you’re letting me live there for a minute.”
Arriane giggles out an “I know.”
“Deal?” I lift my hand, ready for a high five, and she smacks it.
I wake up this morning with the baby doing a full turn in my stomach. The sensation is so odd, I squeak and shuffle out into the kitchen in my robe. I’m met with wide smiles and a giant mug of coffee.
“How the heck did all of you get here already? What time is it?” I ask even though I know. It’s only freaking seven-thirty.
Morning-tousled Cameron shoves short, golden bangs off light green eyes and waggles his brows at me. “Couldn’t miss out on Boss Lady fresh from her bed. Might be my last chance.”
“Yeah, if that’s a sexual innuendo, Cam, you need to work harder,” Shannon says. Shannon? Goodness, she’s here too! I’m touched.
“You guys are amazing,” I say, looking them over. Ingela, of course, Cameron, and Shannon. “Thank you so much for coming.”
“Kat’s packing up her room at Leon’s apartment reaaallllyyyy quietly,” Ingela informs me not-so-quietly, “while she waits for Leon to leave. Guess he got up late today!”
My eardrum. I swear she must be deaf.
“And Christian’s on a bagel run,” Shannon supplies, a sweet smile across her face. “Pandora says ‘hi’ by the way. She almost pushed me out the door this morning so that I could help you move in.” The mention of Pandora should be awkward, but despite myself I find the comment funny.
“Where do we start?” Cam slams his hands together, gaze flickering over the apartment. “I can empty your sex toy drawers. Or hey, porn cabinets.”
Cam always seems to have at least one recipient for his jokes. This time it’s Ingela. No real surprise there when she bends over laughing. “You’re an asshole, Cam!” she yells. We’re not taking her choice word too seriously.
By the time I’m showered, dressed, and ready to work, Christian has arrived with a dozen warm bagels, more coffee, and tubs of cream cheese. We chatter between mouthfuls, planning the rest of the day. Christian appropriated a van from a friend, so there’s plenty of space to “shove my shit into” as Cameron puts it.
Smother is unnaturally quiet when we arrive with the first batch of my stuff a couple hour
s later. We open the back gate into the patio and start unloading the van. “Go upstairs, Mom,” Ingela yells to me. “You can start unpacking with someone else.”
Good idea, Ingela. Go, Arria.” Christian jerks his head in the direction of the entrance.
I’m surrounded by bossy people, but I’m not about to complain. After all, I’m not supposed to lift heavy stuff, and we have a plan for me to be settled in by the time Leon comes home from Talco. I grab my big cozy-blanket and my favorite pillow and head up the stairs. Cameron passes me on the way down, throwing out a “going to bed again, Boss Lady?”
“You need to get laid, Cam,” Ingela huffs out from behind me. She’s got several boxes stacked high in front of her.
“Yeah? Whenever you’re ready for a thirteen-incher, hot stuff,” he smarms out.
She squeals as he slaps her ass. “Douche-pack! All you want are threesomes anyway. Betcha I’d blow your mind if—”
“Or my dick!” he howls back.
“Now, now, kids—language,” Katsu calls from upstairs. “There are babies present.” She comes into view in the doorway and winks at me.
Shannon smirks. “I’ve only been with them for a few hours, and I can’t imagine what you guys deal with every day at work, baby.”
Christian shrugs, presses a kiss to Shannon’s lips as he grabs the small table she’s carrying. “Naw. At work, we’re fine because of the loud music—it’s impossible to hear the whole exchange. We only ever hear Ingela’s replies.”
I burst out laughing. Ingela’s back with an armful of potted plants. “What’s so funny. Me?”
“Always, sweetie.”
At 3 p.m., most of my stuff is at Leon’s place. My heart hasn’t stopped racing in anticipation of what he’ll say. Whenever I doubt this decision, I send one glance at Kat, who beams back at me. She’s not unpacking her own belongings back at my apartment yet. She wants to help put everything in order here before she leaves.
“Do you mind if I stay to watch my brother’s reaction?”
“Of course not—you deserve it,” I instantly say, and Ingela claps her hands excitedly. “We’re staying! We’re staying… Me too, right?”